Wife cheated Entire Marriage, do I stay? - Help

9 years ago

I found out after 4 years dating and 10 years of marriage my wife had been sleeping with her ex boss the entire time on and off. According to her she slept with him once before we met when she was 18. We then met and started dating and she started sleeping with him again after we were together a year and a half. She continued the affair throughout the rest of our time together including 9 weeks before we got married and 1 week after our 10 year anniversary. She was caught by the man's wife 2 months later. She lied and lied for 9 weeks before I got a lot of details(not sure if I have the whole truth but she claims I do). It took weeks of information from his wife and me confronting her to get the truth.
She claims the reason she did this was because she was raped by her aunt when she was 6-7 years old and she was just acting out. Then she said it was to feel good about herself because I didn't tell her she was beautiful enough. Somehow I am blamed by her now because I wasn't a perfect husband and she needed to feel good about herself. She claims he would tell her how beautiful she was and she liked it so would sleep with him. Funny thing is they were having sex at the job, a Shoneys, and literrally having sex on tables and on the floor in the kitchen so not sure how that made her feel better. Anyways, they continued the affair the entire time we were together and she hid it incredibly well. I never assumed anything. She admitted they never used protection and she would come home and sleep with me after being with him the same day, To me there is no lower form of disrespect for another human than that but she justifies it by saying he made her feel good then she wanted to come home to the man she really loved. I don't get it.
She swears she never had any emotional connection with him that it was just sex yet it carried on all those years. She swears she has always loved me yet she is able to have sex with him 9 weeks before we get married. I am really confused by this. We went to marriage counseling for a year and the counselor seemed to always have her side. He said it was more normal then I thought to have a woman have an affair with 1 other man for this amount of time. I am having a really hard time believing this and hope someone can give me their opinion as I can't believe this is true. I felt like the counselor was saying whatever is necessary to keep us together. To be honest, the only reason I am still with her are my two daughters 4 & 7. I love them more then anything in the world and never want anything to hurt them. The problem is I find myself more and more stressed out every day I am around her. She continues to put blame on me for her infidelity and tells me I should already be past it. I have anxiety every day now and it is difficult to act normal at home. I need any advice as to whether I should go ahead and leave or stay for my daughters. When I am with them I can smile and play as they make me happy and I love my time with them. It is hard to imagine not spending every day with them and the last thing I want to do ever is hurt them. Only problem is my sanity is in question as long as I stay with her. What do I do?

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Comments (11)

emma
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You leave. In a marriage like that staying together is not going to benefit your daughters.
sylviatexas1
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
The consellor never said anything about a woman who had been abused as a child becoming involved with a powerful person in her life who uses her for sex??

This sounds like a new counsellor is called for.

While it doesn't sound like a very fun marriage, I wouldn't say "leave" until you have tried a new counsellor & until you know who would have custody of the girls.

I wish you the best.
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"his wife cheated on him first, and apparently also has a lover, according to joe." ick. ick ick ick. This is just nasty. Since Joe lies to his wife, why does the girlfriend believe him? & why does the group believe him when he says his wife is "having an affair"? & if she is, why does that justify his behavior? The right thing to do, if there is such a thing as the right thing to do, would be to terminate one relationship before becoming involved in another one, & he isn't doing that. In effect, he's running around on his wife with a girlfriend & running around on the girlfriend with a wife. & your whole circle of friends is enabling him. Nobody, not your hubs & not your momma & certainly not a "friend", has any business putting you on the spot by coercing you to do something or to support or enable something that you believe to be wrong, something that makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable or ashamed of yourself. Tell hubs if he wants to cover for his lying friend, he'll have to do it without your help.... & you might ask him if it's just a "guy thing", if he covers for Joe, Joe will cover for him. ick ick ick. The person I feel sorry for is the wife: I'd bet that she isn't having an affair & that she doesn't know that all her friends are involved in keeping her from finding out about her husband's affair. I know conventional wisdom is not to say anything to the spouse, but in this day & age, the spouse can get more than syphilis or some such: AIDs will kill a person. I wish you the best.
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bnicebkind - thank you for your accurate and kind depiction of how it feels: "walking on eggshells, unsure of what to say, for fear that she will pull away again". I have no one to blame. I don't consider myself a victim. It is how it is. There is something important here for me to learn. My wife hopes to work out her emotional problems - may be soon, may be in a few years. She says: "I appreciate your patience, but if it seems like too much for you - do as you like. I can't promise anything. I live one day at-a-time". Naturally, she is trying not to burn bridges and to keep all her options opened. She had suffered earlier in her life being in a long relationship with a married man (an oligarch). Perhaps, as a single mom, she felt she had to stay in this relationship longer than she otherwise would. She mistrusts men. In a way, now situation is a mirror image to what sheÂs got accustomed to. There is still suffering, she still, as before, is both alone and in a relationship, and, as before, is unable to make a decision about the relationship. Except now she feels more in control. She says that I invoke an uncontrollable reaction in her (the root of which she is hoping to uncover with the therapist). Hypnosis produced evidence that she perhaps was abused by her father. Her latent father and I have lots of similarities (I never saw his picture). As an oldest child she felt she wasnÂt loved enough by her parents. Trying to win their love she became an overachiever. Her relationship with her mother is strained. It seems, an aggressive opposition of her self to what she perceives a hostile world outside is a major part of her defense mechanism. The root, perhaps, is in her own opinion of herself: "I thought that I couldnÂt be useful to anyone anymore in this life. My daughter is a grown-up now and no longer needs me, and I havenÂt learned to do good to anyone else. I donÂt know how to love; I bring suffering to others and suffer myself. But suicide is not an option either Â for the price for that is worse than that for the useless existence". So, perhaps, she is afraid that the ÂtruthÂ about her will get uncovered by those who get close to her. She doesnÂt want them to neither know nor suffer. She is proud. But I love her because I see the inner beauty in her. She is a neglected woman-child for me.
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There is something so very wrong here, I don't even know where to begin. "A year ago he didn't even like her, now she cries as soon as he goes to correct her so he back pedals and pats up the drama" That is so very sad to me, a year ago her own father didn't like his own child. So naturally there are going to be bad behaviors, but the child is still being blamed. Whats more the way it was said lends to the problem being that Dad doesn't treat her as if he dislikes her anymore, as if that is the entire problem. eyeroll..this is terrible. I'm pretty sure ANY child that has one parent that openly dislikes them is going to have some major behavior problems. So disturbing that the child is still being blamed.
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nancylouise5me
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
That "counselor" sounds like he/she has a screw loose. Dump that quack. Your wife has never taken responsibility for her actions. I doubt she ever will. People are not "made" to cheat by any action of their spouse. It is a conscious choice to do so. She chose to have the affair. Nor do I believe she will change her ways. You are not setting a good example for you daughters to follow. You wife is a worst example. Get a divorce and get custody of your daughters. Stay single for a while and just concentrate on yourself and your kids. The sooner you are free of this person the sooner you can start a better life for all involved. NancyLouise
jewelisfabulous
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
The only way a marriage can get over an affair is if the perpetrator accepts responsibility, feels deep remorse, and strives to make amends day in and day out from there on out. Your wife is not only NOT accepting responsibility, but she's blaming YOU for her failure to uphold her wedding vows. I see no way for your marriage to survive given her mindset.

Save yourself and your children.
scarlett2001
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You have to be critical of a counselor who takes that position. I wasted 3 years of marriage counseling on a quack like that before I wised up. She did more harm than good. I'm all for counseling, but it has to be quality counseling, not nonsense. Your common sense should tell you that she is wrong.

As for your little girls, well, I can only say that I grew up watching my mother cheat for years and years and I was very confused and had problems about marriage and fidelity for a long time. Kids look to their parents as role models, right or wrong. You may want to include them in counseling, as well.
sylviatexas1
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Counsellor's enabling behavior would be understandable if counsellor is grooming her for a sexual relationship.
tete_a_tete
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think a new councellor is needed as this one seemed to side with your wife. A councellor should not side with anyone.

I'm hesitant to say you should leave. I don't know if it is because I am siding with your wife (because I am female) or if it is because I can imagine the things she says are true. Yes, I suspect that many an affair could be like that between your wife and her ex-boss (the fact that it went on for so long). Yes, us women need (maybe not straight away but sooner or later) to feel beautiful and desirable.

So, my thought is that perhaps a new councellor should be found and see how you both feel about that.

And, yes, I think that your wife has to start seeing that she is 50% of the equation (not nil) but perhaps she feels guilty and this is her way of handling this guilt.
gardenandcats
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You make up your own mind about this..What do you want to stay together or divorcee?? Do what you can and will live with after you have made a choice>
brodyjames_gw
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"To me there is no lower form of disrespect for another human than that....."

I think therein lies your answer. Are you willing to continue to be disrespected?

Also, ask anyone who comes from a divorced family. It's never better when the parents stay together with this much disharmony. You think the kids don't hear your arguments or feel the negativity? They do.
izolah76
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Can you forgive someone who's lied to you everyday for 10 years?Can you ever trust her again ? If not then leave her. Don't drag out this torture. Its not you . The fault is hers.
Christopher_H
9 years ago
You must ask yourself this question: "Am I better off with her or without her?" It's not an easy question. It takes some soul searching. But once you decide what the answer is, you must act on it.

Wife cheated Entire Marriage, do I stay? - Help

Comments (11)

emma

sylviatexas1

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