I solved such issues by not buying anyone anything! Who the heck needs the stress of trying to buy for someone that they have no idea what to get them. Christmas should not be about some stupid "stuff" we get anyway. Petty!

Giving one partner a nice shirt & a $50 gift card & giving the other partner a candle (???) & 2 dirty bowls does send a message.

DIL is a grown woman with children;
she knows what dirt is, & she knows how to clean it up.

& OP's husband reacted with shock when he saw the "gift" OP received.

& I wouldn't give anybody the satisfaction of letting her know that her "gift" hurt my feelings.

Ask her if you want, but what answer can you expect?

"Heh Heh, yeah, I really zinged you that time, didn't I?"

The only answer you'll get is that DIL tried so hard to get something special, & now your ingratitude has hurt *her* feelings.

truth or not, if asked, that's the only answer anybody would be likely to offer.

I my own self would probably think in terms of limiting my risk for further hurt feelings by declaring that shopping & buying has become too burdensome & Christmas gifts are now to be for "children only".

Stop giving them """everything""". Sometimes when you help out too much, they do not assume responsibility. Out to lunch/dinner?? Tell them ahead of time separate checks part of the time. Can't pay bills? Whoops, time to evaluate what they are buying by them, not you. No is a wonderful word! Use and and mean it again evaluate the situation. We did and still do.
If you still feel like you want/need to help the kids, start a bank account for college.

Many years ago I read "Jenny", a biography of Jenny Randolph Churchill, Winston Churchill's American mother.

I can't quote things well when I've just read them, so this is by no means exact, but the author quoted from a letter one of Jenny's sisters wrote to their other sister.

It was something like,

"I do everything for my boys, & they don't give me the time of day. Jenny does *nothing* for her boys, & they adore her."

(Of course, Jenny really did pull a lot of political strings for Winston when he was a little older; this was when he & Jack were children.)

Well I tell ya, two can play that game too ya know! If that DIL truly is being a jerk then just don't get her anything but some old worn out used stuff too, maybe a half empty bottle of perfume(HA!). One year my MIL was POed at my SIL and all she(MIL) gave her for Christmas were some plastic refrigerator magnets that cost about $3! But you gotta ask yourself...if MIL is so wonderful and giving, why is DIL being like this to her? I truly do not buy Christmas present anymore except just for my husband.

In my original post, I stated
"In the grand scheme of life, I know this is trivial."

I never said we did "everything" for them. We don't and we won't. I'm thankful for my kids & their spouses.

The rest of Christmas has been grand.
Good food and fellowship!

Thank you all for the various perspectives.

I agree with who ever said if she hasn't done something like this in the past..I doubt that it was intended to be hurtful.
I'm thinking she bought them at an antique store and forgot to wipe them out? grasping for straws here..maybe wanted to you know they were antiques? grasping for straws again. LOL

You would know her personality better than anyone here though.

I think I would just box them up and store them away somewhere and when/if she ever asks about them, tell her "oh, I must have forgotten about them as they needed cleaning" lol! And who knows, she may say she never noticed that they were dirty being in a hurry to wrap them! If she is horrified that they were dirty than it wasn't intentional. :)

This post was edited by mary7060_mi on Tue, Dec 25, 12 at 20:39

Stop enabling her, you are encouraging her to use you and you allow it.
Paying for everything too, she needs to start paying her own way when you go out for meals or whatever it is or pay for hers and yours.

She is getting away with it and maybe that is why she has trouble with her own family due to they won't allow it and won't let her stomp all over them and make them do for her.

You can love them unconditionally but it doesn't mean being slave and doing all the time, they are adults and she needs to take consequences big time.

I know its a touchy thing being a dil and you love your son and don't want to cause trouble but that is what she is doing to you all and needs to stop.

She does have money if they bought for your husband $50.00 gift for him.

She knows she can get away with you big time and do what she likes as you don't say anything at all.

I, too, would be upset, she can wash them at least, doesn't matter if its old or used but clean they should be and also mentioned at the time that they are old or used but you love chickens and so I bought them for you, that tells you its caring that way but the way she did it doesn't at all.

Its okay, I'm not saying you shouldn't pay at times but not all the time when you go out with her, tell her ahead its dutch and tell the waitress immediately that its dutch and you both get your own bills to pay. Make it plain you aren't going to be stomped all over and you won't pay all the time.

Also remember one day you and husband won't be there and can she survive as you and husband won't be there enabling her all the time. Teach her tough love.

Are you doing it because you are afraid of her? I mean deep down if you don't do what she demands, then you lose seeing the grandkids and your son???????

I'm not understanding why anyone would take the time to be retaliatory or baiting over a couple of bowls.

Yes, you could try to embarrass her, retaliate with a deliberately mean gift, or confront her with your "feelings" about how deficient you thought her gift was.

And risk losing a relationship with your grandchildren and possibly your son. Unintentional hurt is one thing. Deliberate hurt is quite another.

I would like to think she bought something second hand that was difficult to find because she knew you liked chickens. That they came dirty may have the condition they were shipped to her in, and she simply didn't check.

Glad you had a good Christmas and are grateful for everything else. Give up the gift giving in the future and spare yourself further disappointment from which you have to be gracious over.

Tally, you nailed it.

I think there's obviously a much deeper issue here. I can't see anywhere in the original post that indicated that buying dinners, etc was expected from the daughter-in-law.

My grandma is like that. Even though I'm nearly 30 now and I have a very good income, she always pays for everything. Dinner out, movies, everything. Of course I always try to pay, and I offer and sometimes steal the bill and finally I just stopped because it was causing such a problem. I could tell she just really wanted to and she would get upset if she wasn't able to because she saw it as a nice gesture she was making because she loves me and wants to take care of me. I would be horrified to know she was resenting me because of it or thought I didn't spend enough on my gifts to reflect her generosity.

So what I'm trying to say is that maybe the OP has "trained" her son and DIL into thinking she always wants to pay like my grandma has done with me. I know it gives my grandma joy to do it and maybe the same is assumed with your relationship, but obviously someone is assuming incorrectly.

There are a lot of passive-aggressive responses suggested here that I think will do nothing but damage what seems to be a fragile relationship, so my suggestion would just be a nice honest conversation about it. No hints or snide comments but just honestly presenting how you feel your efforts aren't being reciprocated.

As for the bowls...the fact that she found something in a theme that you like is WAY more personal to me than the gift card that your husband received.

Try to see it from her perspective. Maybe she's feeling that no matter what she does, it's never good enough. I'm sure she's not equating Christmas presents with the rest of the year's expenses so maybe she just tried to get you something she thought you would like. I'm sure she could tell that you weren't happy. I hope you're able to work it out.

This post was edited by chi83 on Tue, Dec 25, 12 at 22:32

Forgot about the edit feature...

This post was edited by chi83 on Tue, Dec 25, 12 at 22:33

Let's face it, we all have different opinions of just what "clean" is. Maybe her standard of what clean is may just be a tad lower than yours!

Accept that this was a thoughtful gift period, whether you like it or not, or whether it was clean or not. Stop trying to read things into her actions.

If you like it, just wash it up and display it. If you hate it, accidentally-on-purpose drop it. Either way, end of story.

Ever thought that maybe she put a lot of time and effort to find the right gift, she probably ordered it off Ebay "new and in box" and never even thought to inspect that it wasn't as the seller reported (has happened to us a lot of times!). Candles...well what does that mean? A Walmart $5 candle or one of those crazy expensive $50 candles...AND do you LOVE candles or do you never burn them? Too much is left out and the story is too one sided to determine anything. As one person said, finding bowls with a theme you collect is more personal then a gift card...there are also many people out there that are offended to get a gift card(crazy as that sounds!)...so some people there just is no pleasing them!

I reread the post and what I see key here is that the OP USED to collect chickens. She is no longer interested in this hobby and so I think that added to the disappointment. Dirty bowls aside, I might want to tell DIL that you are no longer collecting.
Sometimes when people think they found just the right thing, you will receive it over and over. My dear SIL thought I liked candied ginger because she once offered me some and I said I liked it. For the next few years she sent me a pound of it. Not only was it expensive, but it was expensive for her to ship. I would give it away. Finally I just had to tell her I was no longer interested in the ginger. I felt guilty having to give it away. I think she might have felt a bit hurt, but things are fine. That said, if I find something that I want to repeat, sometimes I ask the person, "...do you still like the....?
It seems like there are some issues that need to be cleared up. I do hear resentment on your part for treating your DS and DIL so well and this is the thanks you get!
You might slowly have to back away from treating them all the time. I get it if they don't have the means. I see this happening with my DH. He is very generous and so often times people will "step back" and let him pay. I am trying to get him to understand that it is fine to split the bill, or even allow others to pay for us. Most people want to do their share. For those that don't you need to stand firm, if indeed this bothers you.
I think if this keeps happening than you should put a stop to the adult gift exchange. I would instead offer to treat them to a family outing with all of you going. The zoo, a movie or local attraction.
As parents, we still do love taking care of our kids. Sometimes this means treating them. But, when it becomes expected, and expected always, I think we need to reevaluate the situation.

I would watch future behavior. If she contined doing things on this level, then it might be passive-aggressive. If it was a one time thing, it's an oversight. A careless oversight, but at least, it might soften the blow to know she wasn't up to anything.

I also see "score keeping" going on here. In the OP I noticed the comment that I though was very telling that "it wasn't all they could afford". I've said already that I don't buy presents and it has absolutely nothing to do with what I can afford. I mean I could buy them all cars if I wanted to...sheeeesh! Besides that, Christmas shouldn't even be about keeping a score of the best presents you get and who gives the most expensive presents. I think you all have totally lost sight of the meaning of Christmas.

OT: Sylvia -- What an interesting quote! (But we know Winston turned out to be an obsessed-with-attention alcoholic. Not that Papa was a great influence! Maybe his fussed-over cousins were happier men?) I've known men with distant mothers who searched for love for the rest of their lives -- from "Mother" and from a procession of other women.

How horrible! I think I would just wrap up those bowls& Candle and give them to her next Christmas! I wouldn't go out of my way anymore for any of them.
That really stinks! Are they know for this type of behavior?

Big hugs for you((((((((((((((pudgeder )))))))))))))))))

"Winston turned out to be an obsessed-with-attention alcoholic."

never heard about the alcoholism, but, yep, he could have been seen as attention-obsessed.
or maybe it was achievement-obsession.
& he suffered from depression as well.

& he still managed to save England, & he & his friend Franklin Roosevelt led the free world to victory in WWII.

It's really interesting how people seem to be divided so dramatically on the subject. Some see it as an incredibly rude gesture while others think it was a thoughtful gift.

In regards to how people feel divided about this.....I think any time someone gives me a gift, I think it is thoughtful...whether it is something I particularly want or not, but I don't try to read into it any ulterior motives. If I don't want it, I give it away or donate it to Goodwill. I feel nothing in the way of disappointment. It is not in me to dwell on these kinds of things. I am puzzled that anyone would.

I would not do anything, esp anything mean. I would maybe rethink things, I give or do for them, put up a few bounderies to protect my feelings in the future, but nothing to damage my relationship with my son and grandkids. I have a SIL and a DIL that I have had to go to counseling for, to learn some grace and wisdom on how to be around them, but not get wrap up in any weirdness or to cause any harm to my relationships with my children. And it worked~~~it is best to do nothing, take a breath relax and on another day you will feel differently.

It is all about Peace and Harmony

From some of the replies here I see that many of you are sizing me up to be selfish and petty. Whatever.

I KNOW the meaning of Christmas. I KNOW there are many people who hurt and suffer over greater things than this.

For those who understand where I was coming from, thank you.

We don't over-indulge and we don't bail them out.
Helping now & then is different than over-indulging and bailing out.

When I said they could afford more, I was clarifying that they aren't destitute and that was the best they could do. I don't expect them to lavish us with gifts,and would never want them to either.

I was taken aback by the dirt in the bowls. You couldn't miss it. It looked like someone had used one of them under a potted plant. There was literally potting soil in the bowl.
It's all water under the bridge now.
(Or perhaps, dirt down the drain. ;-) )

The bowls are all cleaned up now and I'll use them, simply because they were given to me by my kids.

Pudgeder....yea! Very nice conclusion to a 'sticky' situation. Do you happen to think that is exactly what is was used for, and what your DIL thought you'd use it for ~~ sitting a potted plant in?

Don't really matter now, does it, nice to see that you're grateful for having received it.

Good for you pudgeder. Being a mother-in-law is not always easy.

You've got that right Jkayd!!

This whole issue is absurd!

EDITED from what I really meant to say but others are too one sided.

This post was edited by arkansas_girl on Wed, Dec 26, 12 at 19:00

I ususally don't contribute to the on going bickering of these types of posts, but for pete's sake arkansas girl; did you read what she just said before you posted?

Pudegder, you sound like a great mil; your dil is lucky to have you as her shoulder to cry on and help her in her role as a mother! Merry Christmas!

Ark girl...that was an insensitive, stupid comment.
I suggest you practice using the new edit feature.

Sorry but I feel like this is a ridiculously selfish thing to be worried about.

But I'll leave you to wallow in self pity now....have fun.

This post was edited by arkansas_girl on Wed, Dec 26, 12 at 19:02

Thank you ark girl.
We all have everyday annoyances.
In the big scheme of things, many
are not really that earth shattering.
Everybody should be able to vent on this
forum without having to validate how
important it is compared to "solving
world peace".

Good Lord, arkansas_girl - how rude to belittle someone's feelings that way. Incredible. You owe pudgeder an apology. But I'm sure she won't hold her breath waiting for it.

Pudgeder, I get it. I get that you weren't making it a big deal here, and just thought that AMONG FRIENDS here you could be honest. Guess not, huh? So sorry about that. And if it were I, I'd feel the disappointment, also. I'd be disappointed that she didn't think enough of me to clean up the bowls before she gave them to me. I would've interpreted it all as a lack of caring.

The old saying "it's the thought that counts" is fine and I agree. I'm not saying it's necessarily true in this case (maybe, as some of you think, the DIL really did think this through), but I've been the recipient of a gift from someone close where it was obviously that there was zero thought put into it. So, if the thought counts, and there was none, disappointment and a bit of a hurt follows.

It's not a world catastrophe, nor did pudgeder indicate such.

For Pete's sake ArkGal!

For someone who claims this is too trivial to deem worthy of comment, you've posted 6 of them offering your personal armchair analysis of the situation.

And let's not overlook your suggestion about deliberately inflicting hurtfulness by giving a half used bottle of perfume, while the other side of your mouth chastizes everyone for being petty and losing sight of the true meaning of Christmas.

You seem more agitated about this than anyone!

Good Lord, we are talking about a couple of bowls, is this really that important?

terilyn, my sentiments exactly.

UGH, please get over it already! There are families that don't even HAVE their loved ones with them this Christmas due to illness, death or worse yet, murder.

Did Connecticut teach us nothing about the frailty and importance of life?!?

Your logic is flawed.
"Don't be upset because you burned the roast...
....it's no biggie...remember CT."
"Don't be upset with your DIL...some people
don't have loved ones...and...remember CT."
We're not going to stifle the emotions from
our lives because of all the tragedies in the world.
You're not being realistic.

I get it and would be upset too! Very harsh statements by some here. To leave dirt in the bowls is just not right.

Well put Lindakathy. Grammy Myrna, do you always stop and consider the world's tragedies before venting or voicing an opinion about anything? If so, you must be a perfect person!

Hey man, I know exactly where you are coming from. It is the thought that counts, at least you got something, yada yada. And we feel bad for feeling slighted because we KNOW we are not supposed to feel that way and should be honoured to get anything at all.

Yet when we unwrap, oh let's say a pair of pajamas that have shopping cart skidmarks on them and are size 3x - and told repeatedly that if they are too small we can get a larger size even thought 1x is a good fit thank you - it does hurt a little.

When we are told "Due to a busy year we aren't doing presents this year, just for the kids" then sit there while present after present is handed out "Oh, I meant we are only buying for FAMILY" when the other in-laws were included...well, we aren't allowed to say our feelings are hurt because it makes us look selfish and petty. No, it is not about the presents.

A heartfelt present that misses the mark is an entirely different thing, and yes I have had that happen to me as well, when I gave something I thought was perfect and could see in the eyes of the recipient that I had been way off. Usually though I explain my thought process and we all have a good laugh. I have relatives that give oddball presents with no ill-intent and we have a light-hearted laugh about that as well, and the items are cherished all the more.

Anybody want a tableau of chocolate dipped tropical fruit, including the two items I am most allergic to and did I mention that I am diabetic? But it was the thought that counts.

(((Hugs))) to all of us that sometimes need to just pout and be reminded that we all have moments when we are less than perfect and need somebody to say "Yep, that was a bad present".

Dances.

Dances...how I've missed you and your posts! :)

I do think we all need to be reminded from time to time that the reason why we come here is to vent about things that we might not want to in real life. It is great getting many opinions and I know that when I post and get a majority, well, it it something I would consider and then reevaluate my own thought process.
I don't think we come here to get judged on how unimportant or silly a thread is. That to me is the reason why I come to a site like this one.
I think we all have to be mindful of what we post. Because we don't really know each other, some things can come across as really mean spirited. I know that my sister and I can say the meanest things to each other but then laugh about it because we have a history and love each. Here it is different.

Groan.....once again I was going to stay away from this post and here I am, hahaha.

I've read all the posts. Some were harsh for sure. I think I will just say, I agree with Dances post. I think she hit it right on.

Somebody had mentioned that the OP should get over it already, but the OP stated, about 50 posts ago, (LOL) that she was. We are the ones that keep bringing this up. It's interesting to hear different points of view - but it also seems we are giving this post life, not her.

Dances, I think your comments are exactly the same as the way I feel! It's good to see you posting again!! By the day, can I interest anyone in FIVE Boxes of gourmet cocoa mix, a large plate of assorted cookies and a HUGE tin of gourmet cookies, non of which are sugar free???? I, too, am a diabetic and these came from close relatives and friends, one of whom is a doctor! Yep, I can smile about it, but I also understand the original poster's being a little "irked". LOL

Thank you Dances, you nailed it.

Where is the Delete/Remove button for this thread???

Please - there's no need to Delete/Remove. Just because people are disagreeing (and in some cases, being disagreeable!), doesn't mean that a post has to be removed. That's net-nannying.

And - I agree that the OP has handled this circumstance and this thread well. I also find it interesting that this circumstance has received several responses chastising the OP for being petty, while the thread about the other poster's thoughtless gifts from her husband is mostly received with "isn't that cute"-type responses. I don't think that OP is being petty (I think her husband's thoughtlessness, or cluelessness, are appalling), but it's ironic that she's not being alleged to be while this OP is.

I just have to butt in again, I just think from pudgeder's post it was done on purpose. It was mean & rude. You don't go giving a nice gift to one person in the family then a dirty/used one to another. Yes, any gift is welcome normally but I think this was intentional. If I am wrong I'm sorry and misjudged the situation.

And............if we can not voice our opinions here where can we? She was hurt as I would have been. She just wanted to know how to handle disappointment.

BTW.... I've gotten something used & very dirty before but it was done very lovingly and meant no harm.