What a wonderfully thought out house. I like that the guest room can accommodate a health aide, in the future. Something like that can extend the amount of time one can maintain some form of relative independence in one's own home. We're also building an empty-nester house & we could have reduced the footprint of the house by putting all of the "guest" bedrooms in the lower level (unfinished, for now). However, we chose to generously size the room and include an en suite bath so that whoever may need to stay there for a more extended period than the occasional guest would be comfortable. Even if we don't have a health aide, there may come a time when one of us needs extra equipment (hospital type bed, oxygen, etc.) so it will be nice if the other can rest more comfortably in another room while still being within calling distance. Tell your kiddos, "Well done!" You have every right to be proud and thank you for sharing. Jo Ann

Unfortunately the holidays bring forth reminders of family issues, interpersonal conflicts, and historical baggage. Not everyone in everyone's family gets along, not everyone does what others expect or desire, yada yada. It's too bad but for most people, such issues aren't new issues and at some point, when remediation efforts have failed, it's time to move on from letting such problems be a downer. The fault isn't always with the kids, nor always with the parents, as an example. Some of you have told stories of having had cruel or indifferent parents, others about having problems dealing with kids who seem to not allow for mutuality in relationships. Among all the situations some of you have mentioned are probably all the possible permutations. People don't get along and act nice to one another simply because they're related, you all know that. Sometimes, it's the family relationship itself that can lead to jealousies, conflicts, etc. Relationships that are built mostly on feelings of guilt or obligation, or expected to be so, are rarely successful.

minipadv -- The symbiosis of child with mother is recognized as existing until around the fourth month. The neonate mental state is autistic. Separation from the mother then is experienced by the child as the loss of a part of oneself. It's not The End of the World as long as other needs are met, but it's not optimum, and it affects different babies to a greater or lesser extent. We know that absent early security, a child has a difficult time with trust -- and with claiming himself as a separate individual. Sometimes adults only start noticing the self emerge when a child is mobile enough to venture away from Mother a few feet, then back again, then out further, back again, etc. We all can *hear* the individuation process once the child can talk. We call it the Terrible Two's, when a child asserts and strengthens his self by opposing Mom. Individuation goes on through life, even into adulthood.

Different people use the word "friend" differently, so a lot of this is semantics. I tend to extend "friend" much more broadly than my husband, who has zero people he considers friends. But the lesson is what is necessary to be successful in group situations--manners and civility, which seem to be on the wane in today's society, but I don't think that is a good thing or something I would want my kid to emulate. I have this argument with my husband all the time, knowing what is and is not appropriate to say in group settings. I grew up in a small town, I learned early on to avoid gossip and trash talking anyone, ever. You never know you might be speaking to their cousin or brother-in-law!! :) My grandmother survived in her tiny village in Poland during World War I because she could get along with all sides in the conflict and smuggle resources into her town to keep people alive . . .Hence I grew up with an emphasis of not making enemies although also was taught to have principles and to stand up for them . . . just do so in a way as to not alienate those around me . . . easier said than done . . . Look at all the people who are suffering because of snarky things they have said publicly. I am in the camp that says best to err on the side of civility which is not the same thing as agreeing or supporting things that clash with your values. It's just a matter of knowing how to chose your battles. A good life would not be a constant battle ground, but it is for some people. I would definitely want my child to learn to find some ways to develop inner strength/peace/serenity or whatever the right word is. It's a life long struggle. My Mom's mantra was the "Serenity Prayer." But of course no matter how many times we discussed this concept, it never totally went away because that's life. However, my mother was quite successful professionally because she learned to overlook certain things and just keep moving forward, not get bogged down by drama. As a teacher and person who gives public program and raises money, I had to learn to never, ever speak ill of anyone, it just isn't worth it, life is long, people and circumstances change, one never knows. On the one hand. But on the other hand, if the hitting bothered your daughter and she asked her friend to stop and she didn't, they you daughter has every right to distance herself from that behavior. I would just advise your daughter not to rush to put people in the "friend/not friend" category. Just treat all people with dignity but also you can detach from the drama that troubled people might bring into your life. This is not the strong suit of a teenager, but a good skill to develop. Otherwise, your life could be much more stressful if you don't learn techniques for tamping down interpersonal drama in your life. One has to be able to do what my Mom advised, not make other people's problems your own. You have to be able to be in this world, experience the drama, but not get pulled into it. A good technique is to focus on projects and actions, not personalities. A tough balancing act, one that teenagers have to learn to navigate and it can be tough even for adults. Trust is tricky. There's a whole other dynamic too, being liked vs being a doormat vs being mean and unlike-able. It's just a balancing act we all have to perform . . . Detachment has not been my strong suit, and I've often wondered if it is possible to develop more of it or if it is just in your genes . . . vs passion . . . and then when to hold it and when to play it ???