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Our minor dilemma has to do with the two little girls that live next door. They moved in with their ne'er do well parents several months ago, to live with their grandfather, our neighbor. The girls are 4 and 6.

Our problem is that whenever one or both of us are outside, the girls appear out of no where to shadow us. It's non stop questions and non stop "look at me". It's the most annoying when we're sitting outside on our back patio, enjoying the evening or having supper. That time is NOT meant to be shared.

It was my habit to sit out back in the morning for a few minutes, drinking my tea or water and watch the birds. Not since these two moved in!

I've gone from being friendly to them to polite to civil to barely acknowledging them. I hate being put in that position.

Add to the situation that they are starved for adult attention and seem to be left to their own devices to roam at will.

I need to find a way to give them boundaries but do not want to be "that mean lady".

Comments (30)

  • monica_pa Grieves
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Shouldn't the 6 year old be in school ?

  • rob333 (zone 7b)
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I have such a soft spot in my heart for kids like this. I shower them with so much attention and love! When it gets to wearing on me, I just say, I don't feel like doing that right now. They seem to get that. I'm sure you don't want to disappoint them.

    Could you give them a sort of secret code? That's it's ok to come over and visit when ______ (the red flower is out on the deck, or something silly fun like that), but when it isn't, you are doing some "adult things" and they need to stay in their yard? Something like that. Allow it some, and be up front. They're smart enough to get that. At least any kids I can think of. Even if 4 years old.

    Purely a suggestion. Kids are smarter than you think. Keep it clear cut and they'll stay where you put them, most of the time.

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  • grandmamary_ga
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I like rob333's answer. I love kids and I would never be bothered by them. They are better than the older-lady who lives next door to me. Maybe they are hungry. I would just tell them you want to be alone right now and kids understand. Teach them about the birds you are watching and tell them to be very quiet. Might make them love birds when they get older. Good luck.
    Mary

  • Elmer J Fudd
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Little kids are fun. They don't have the same understanding as adults do that what they do can affect others. (As I write this, I realize some adults can be self-centered and inconsiderate to others, though they should know better) Maybe they're hanging around because they want to be friendly and get to know you, or they're bored, or something else. If it's uncomfortable for you, believe me, they don't realize it.

    I'd enjoy them when the time is right for you. When it's dinner time or the cocktail hour, why not suggest that it's your private time, they should go home for awhile and they can come back in an hour?

    Kids can't choose who their parents are and many have parents who are losers. It sounds like there's a guilt by association thought in your feelings about them.

  • Deeby
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    What do they look like? Well cared for or not? Clean, happy, unkempt? Years ago when I was a daycare provider the neighborhood kids would always come over and play. It was sweet, that the kids were happy to see the babies. One day a new little boy came too. He looked OK, but was too quiet and seemed to have something on his mind. He never wanted cookies. After a couple of days I grew suspicious as to why he didn't want cookies. It occurred to me that maybe there wasn't much healthy being served at his home. I made spaghetti and said that I'd made too much and could he help me finish it. He drank milk as though he'd never had milk. I called Social Services and was asked to watch and keep feeding him. I always had beef stew, vegetables, good breads and butter, scrambled eggs, etc for him. (Of course for the other kids too). In a few days SS came out, and removed him from the home. It must have been drug dealers because police officers dressed like hippies appeared from nowhere and got the adults to open their door. Undercover officers I learned later. My point is, there may be a reason why the girls are coming to you. Maybe missing their mother. I beg you to be careful, observant and patient. Above all, call the authorities now. RIGHT NOW. At least for someone to check out the situation. PLEASE. I'll be praying for the little girls and following this thread. Thank you.

  • rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    No, Deeby. I do not need to call the authorities; they are well fed, well dressed, the oldest is in school. Their grandfather is in his 70's and I'm sure that this family moved in bag and baggage was totally unexpected. He would never, ever put up with drugs or druggies in his home.

    They are simply little persistent pests, not just to me but other neighbors, too.

    I'll trust the advice to simply tell them to go away, come back some other time. I'll probably be more welcoming if they visit on my terms.

  • blfenton
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Maybe explain to them about invitations and about being invited to someones house to visit. Then coupled with rob333's suggestion, the invitation is there when the ~"red flower" is out on the deck or whatever signal you can use.

    At the same time explain private times and if the flower isn't there you are busy with private time. Give examples of what private time may mean but don't explain your specific private time all the time. Just refer to it as private time.

  • chisue
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Easier said than done, I know, but...it takes a village.

    Could you try being Villagers for half an hour a few days a week -- time to be agreed upon by all parties, including their parents and grandparent? Read a story? Have 'tea' with dollies? Weed? Draw pictures for Grandpa? Start an easy jigsaw puzzle? Water the plants? Play "I Spy"? Discuss current events (theirs)?

  • Deeby
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm relieved to know that they're OK. I am very protective of children, the elderly, developmentally delayed folks and animals. Proud of it too. You did describe the parents as ne'er do well types. Please, be gentle. Kids get their feelings hurt and can and do carry scars for years. I despise my kindergarten teacher to this day, LOL.

  • ellendi
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I totally understand where you're coming from. In my opinion, a four-year-old and a six-year-old orjust too young to be running around on their own without adult supervision. At that age, I would never let my two daughters be out in our backyard by themselves without me watching them.

    Can you talk to your neighbor and explain your concern about the girls wandering around to the neighbors without supervision? If you truly enjoy their company, but just don't want many unexpected drop in visits, maybe you can talk to your neighbor about planned visits with the girls?

    I do feel bad for these two little girls but certainly it's not your responsibility and I can see why you feel the way you do.

  • lucillle
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "I need to find a way to give them boundaries"

    You spotted the issue very well. Boundaries would give you some peace, and as well, they are critical for proper social development, so having boundaries would be good for the girls as well.

    As long as they are well cared for, set your boundaries firmly and fairly. They might thank you some day, and you will likely be happier after the inevitable 'break in' period where they will test you to see if you really mean what you say.

  • YogaLady1948
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I would do what Rob says, but only if you really want to start doing that. Otherwise just tell them you do not have time.

    My DH's aunt and uncle had a pool back in the day and they would fly a flag when it was OK for the neighborhood kids to come swim and a parent had to come along. The Aunt said it worked out great.

    Me, I raised my kids, I have grandkids and I would not like being bothered almost never. My kids had older folks they visited in the neighborhoods we lived in and to this day my kids still talk about how wonderful those people were and how much they loved them. It needs to b whatever you are comfortable with~~~

  • rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Robert and I have decided to get our neighbor over here alone soon, so that we can have a talk. We are on very good terms with him and have been ever since we moved here about ten years ago. He probably needs to let his hair down!

    I will tell him of our concerns about the girls roaming the neighborhood. I've even seen the little one running down the street all on her own.

    I'm childless by choice. I don't have that mommy or granny gene.....I never even wanted to babysit when I was young. So, I won't be setting up any play dates anytime soon, lol. My goals are that we can spend time in our own yard without being pestered, that the girls learn to modify their behavior, and that we can invite them over to chit chat, help me pull weeds, have some fruit (they like apples and peaches) without being held hostage.

    No tea with dollies, though. :-) That's just not gonna happen.

    I do feel like the whole neighborhood is watching out for these girls. An over the fence talk that Robert had with the neighbor on the other side revealed that many are concerned about their roaming and irritated by their willingness to open fence gates, to borrow a toy, to pick flowers or vegetables uninvited, you get the idea.

    Thanks for the support, everybody.

  • mary_c_gw
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Good for you Rhizo! - set your own boundaries. I would hate for little neighbor children coming on my property, and you are in no way obligated to entertain them. Tea parties with dollies?? Really?? Why?!

    You're gracious to even consider entertaining them on your own schedule.

    I'm not a "mean old lady", but I've raised my child and stepchildren, and I have no desire to interact with any more young children other than my own grandchildren. I would send those children home, firmly, every time they came over.

    This is not selfish on my part, but a matter of my energy levels. I have a limited amount, and I need to spend it with my family.

  • matti5
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think having a chat with grandpa is a great idea. The fact that these girls are roaming about is beyond frightening. Perhaps you can share with grandpa that many in the neighborhood are also worried about their safety. I probably wouldn't bring up the pestering, but focus more on the safety.

    Do mom and dad work?


  • littlebug5
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I was glad to see mary c's remarks - put my name under them, too. I raised my own kids (or as I call it, "did my time") and am not interested in raising someone else's. Or even babysitting someone else's. I DO make an exception for my grandchild though. :)

    I don't believe this makes me a bad person. I'm just not a kid-lover. I would absolutely detest being placed in the position of chasing away someone else's kids because the parents are not keeping an eye on them. It would make me feel guilty. And it shouldn't because it's not my problem.

  • rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    We have lots of young kids as neighbors and we both make ourselves available to all of them. But these kids are cut from a different cloth, or I should say that their parents are! Can't really blame the kids for their parent's deficiencies.

    I'll come back and post when we have our talk with the g'pa. The last thing I want to do is add to his burden.

    To be continued........

    This post was edited by rhizo_1 on Mon, Oct 20, 14 at 21:56

  • rob333 (zone 7b)
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    It was more than just kids visiting; got it. Sounds like you are doing it quite right. Makes a lot of sense.

  • chisue
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I see a little more information here. The kids have zero supervision. It isn't your job to supervise them, but you can insist that they ARE supervised.

    When you talk with the grandfather about the girls running around by themselves, tell him you will be calling the house to have an adult collect the kids. You could also walk the girls back to their door, ring the bell, and return them, so they can play safely at home, "where Mommy/Daddy/Grandpa can look after you."

    If the grandfather doesn't see the parents cooperating, suggest daycare.

    You can still be the nice lady next door, but on *your* terms.

  • party_music50
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    oh, rhizo, I hear ya and understand. I had a very similar situation to suffer with for just one year, and that recently ended. I did snap when she ran over and started ripping apples off my tree. lol! I had the best results by just trying to ignore her. I felt sorry for her, but it wasn't my job or destiny to be her entertainment! Good luck to you.

  • rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Here's an update on the situation for those who may be interested.

    I happened to see my neighbor in his backyard this morning and walked over to ask him if he wanted a hot cup of tea. So he came over here and after a little chat about the weather, the garden, etc., I just asked, "SO! How's everything going over there? " Lol, what a great conversation opener, right?

    I didn't need to say anything at all about the girls; he told me that a couple of other people on the street had complained about them, even threatening to call CPS. That's when I was able to gently tell him about them being sort of pesky whenever we were outside. I didn't need to add to everything the others had said...I just nodded in agreement.

    He talked to me quite a bit about the whole sad situation regarding his bum of a son and flaky DIL and he's fed up with the two of them. I told him that he needs to stop giving them money and perhaps they will seek employment. He (my neighbor) provides happily for the girls for everything they need. We talked for nearly two hours, and I

    Anyway, I saw the son outside with the girls this afternoon, big change! My neighbor plans on making one of them get up to get the girl ready for school from now on.....something that he's been doing all along.

    Anyway....that's the situation, greatly abridged.

  • Elmer J Fudd
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Bravo! Very well done.

  • lindaohnowga
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Sounds like things may change and I sure hope they do. Sounds like grandpa is being an enabler, instead of forcing the girls parents to find jobs, and he should set a time limit on how long they can continue living with him. Tough love is needed in this case. My heart goes out to those two little girls having parents like they have.

  • lucillle
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    It takes a village. I'm glad you are his neighbor.

  • matti5
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Glad it went well! It sounds like grandpa needed to vent a little and feels comfortable with you. I imagine this hasn't been easy for him since they moved in.

  • kathleen44
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Yes, alot of times that is all it takes is talking to someone like your neigbhour their grandfather. he, too, is passed his time on raising kids again but he loves them and seem to try but letting them run around is not safe, anything can happen these days. And they need to learn about rules and that is why they do what they do as parents are not there being parents to them.

    Also remember too, that other people are influences in their lives too and so when you are with them for things like pulling weeds or fun things like have you see this bird and show in a bird book and then maybe they will start looking out for birds and tell you about them later when they see you next time. Some will suggest certain day and time they are free and can plan but that also things come up and so might have to wait for the next time, they need to learn that too, disappointments and rules, and discipline, you can do that by if they do, do things, then they lose the privilege of coming over next time, things like that they can understand and maybe get them interested in getting their parents into things too like watching for birds,etc.

    Kids need and crave that. I know being a nanny long ago, I found that kids love just to be with you, doesn't matter what it is, they just want to be with you. One little boy, actually begged to clean when I cleaned as I would wait until afternoon when his little brother would nap and he was do have quiet time, finally I let him help out as I realized he just wanted to be with me and didn't matter what it was. I had them scrubbing the bathroom, both of them one day, the oldest said what can I do when I let the youngest put his swim suit on and clean the bathtub and I said how about the toilet and he was the best toilet scrubber ever and I praised him how good he is and that was his job from now on. I cleaned the rest of the bathroom, counter, sink and floor, by that time they were both in the bathtub in their swim suits have the greatest of time, they weren't cleaning much but it was again just being with them and having fun too at same time. I didn't mind one little bit. With kids you have to love being around them and putting up with them there and alot of times you don't want them there, need your own space. And you tell them as others say by either telling them its your time now and will let them know later to do with them. As long as you let them know you like them to be there here and there they will listen and understand and yes, do something so they can look out and see, oh, its out, we can go over now. Plan ahead too if possible and say next time we can do such and such together. How about cleaning stuff out? Garage, those things, again its all in fun and togetherness is what its all about, washing the car in fun too, simple fun tasks that are together time.

    And give them something to drink if its hot outside and something to munch on as kids eat little all day long, doesn't have to be fancy or anything, find out about allergies first though, maybe simple crackers.

    Or fruit or whatever you don't mind them having and it doesn't take from you and husband's budget for yourselves.

    What about seeing if the grandfather would buy some sidewalk chalk if you have sidewalks along the street, I did that with one family I nannied, the mom said there is some sidewalk chalk she had bought and brought it out and they kids in afternoon had great time drawing and doing what they liked and it kept them very busy and occupied.

    Watering the plants too is great fun if they have something light to put water into and put on the plants, show them out its done and let them do that section you tell them too and you work on what you need too.

    Kids are so flexible and eager, especially those kids since they aren't getting what they want from parents, all kids want is to be with their parents, they crave it and need it, sad when parents are too busy or don't want to parent at all.

    Keep us updated

  • rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Kathleen, I wish I could ship you down here to 'nanny' these kids! It's probably not going to happen with me. :-)

    Yes, he really needed to talk to someone. I wish that I had approached him sooner and I feel bad about that. We've not been as close since his dear wife died a few years ago, but that's going to change.

    I know that by the time he left my home, he felt like he had a plan. I know that Robert is relieved! (I told him when he came home from work.) Those girls were totally in his way when he was changing a tire on his boat trailer last night! So dangerous......he had to speak sharply to them before they would stay clear.

  • rob333 (zone 7b)
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You were worried about talking to him, but then you only had to listen? How terrific is that?! And you were a great listener. Sounds like it worked out wondefully. I'm well pleased for you.

  • chisue
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    High hopes for something better...eventually!

  • blfenton
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You were able to help with a problem that involved both you and your neighbour without creating an issue `- and all just by listening. There is a lesson in that I suspect.

    I hope the little girls will benefit from that conversation - it sounds like there is some caring in the home and that's always a good start for any child. It might not be coming from the correct source but caring is caring.

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