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Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Posted by pickyshopper (My Page) on
Fri, Sep 6, 13 at 17:19

I have 3 children in their twenties. My two sons are unmarried and live in a larger city almost an hour from me. My DD lives near us and is married with a new baby, who is the joy of our lies. My SIL works, but is looking for better employment, possibly across the country.

Being my only daughter, DD and I have always been extremely close, I suppose because we are both female and share many interests in common. I adore my two sons just as much, but neither are 'telephone talkers' and being single and involved in their own lives, we maybe only see them about once every 6 weeks or so.

My DD has told me and DH (who will retire soon) that she and our SIL would be thrilled if we would consider moving out west if she does and hopefully we'd find a home somewhere in the same city. She wants her children to have a close connection to their grandparents and not being across the country from them would afford us to be an active part of their lives.

I know it will be heartbreaking if they move so far away, as visits will be too costly for more than once a year. It could be years until and if my sons marry and had children. But I still worry I'd feel like I abandoned them if we went out west to be near our daughter's family, especially once they have families of their own.

The problem is, if DH and I moved, DH said it would be permanent as he doesn't want to be moving across country more than once. So if my boys marry and have children, I would ALWAYS be very far from them and would never know their children as well as I'd know my daughter's kids.

Realistically, my sons and their families may visit their wives' families more often than us, as is often the case when sons marry women who are close to their parents. So I don't know exactly how MUCH interaction with my sons' future families I'd be sacrificing, for the surity of lots of interaction with my DD and her family. Have any of you moved far away to be near one child with children, but then later regretted being so far away when your other children had kids?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Hmm, that's a tough one. I don't have any kids yet, but I do notice that you have a lot of assumptions and/or hypothetical situations built into your dilemma. A lot of the things that you are worrying about may never happen, so I would make your decision based on the present and worry about the future when it comes.

That being said, I grew up in California with my grandparents in Delaware and I only saw them once a year. I would spend every summer with them and they are by FAR my favorite memories of my childhood. We were (and are as I am lucky enough to still have them) extremely close no matter the distance as they made me feel loved. So it's very possible to have a wonderful relationship to grandchildren you don't see very often, because it makes those trips so special.

I was in my 20's when they sold their house and moved to Florida, and I cried like a baby. :) I loved that house...so many great memories.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

I do not see anything wrong with you moving close to your DD~~~I would wait and see if your SIL gets a job out west. then visit several times for at least a year. You may not like it where they move. I just think it is not something you would just do~~without really checking it out. You could end up living and loving it somewhere and your SIL has to move to another job??


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

I think you should keep all your options open. Remember that if your SIL is moving for a new job now he could very well have to relocate again and that would leave you out there with no family nearby. I don't think I would move away like that especially since you have two other children to think of. That is my opinion but of course you may do whatever you think best. It is all just conjecture at this point anyway. You also haven't mentioned anything about your friends and interests where you are now. There are those to consider too.
Joann


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

I hear you. We moved to southern California and raised our 3 kids here. Our daughter moved to San Francisco and had her first son there. They moved back to the area to be close to family and to live in a warmer climate. She is an hour away now, and I drive up once a week to help with the boys.

Her older brother lives a few minutes from her, but he too is our quiet one and we hear from him infrequently. He married a year ago and is not ready for a baby yet. The youngest lives in New York City and is single. We hear from him every week or two.

We still live in the home where they grew up. They all like to come back here, especially for the holidays. They know where everything is and find it easy to get around here as opposed to the metropolitan areas that they now live in. We can all cram in for holiday nights, putting the grandsons on the floor of their mother's bedroom, and be quite comfortable.

Living out West covers a lot of scenarios. If it were a move to southern California, you would find the prices of homes, and even apartment rents, shocking. I would go slowly and see what develops, and I would give the SIL time enough at the new job to be sure he likes it enough to stay in the area for the next ten years. That is difficult to guess, but at least don't be too hasty.

We talk of whether we would move to a condo in the city to be close to the kids if something happened to one of us. I am not so sure we would. Living here in a 5 bedroom house is cheaper and more comfortable than any small condo would cost us by far.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

It sounds to me as if your daughter and husband are the ones choosing to "abandon" you. What happens if your daughter and son-in-law don't like it there or he continues to climb a corporate ladder in other locations? (I hope they have no plans of moving first and then looking for a great job?) I would not even indicate that you "might" pick up your life and move also. That will likely make it easier on them. Maybe..just maybe...you might want to "re-visit" the option AFTER they have settled where they are going AND you've visited a time or two to try it out. Just be glad you're living in this computer age where it's easier to stay connected. Can you even imagine what the pioneers who settled the West felt like when they left their loved ones probably NEVER to see or even talk to again? . Are you prepared to just give up your two sons and any of their future kids?


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

At this stage there are no guarantees that your SIL will find a job that he likes quickly which gives you some time to mull things over. I wouldn't sell my home and relocate until your DD and SIL are settled in their new place and have a sense that his job will be permanent. In this economic climate I'd wait a few years before relocating.

There's also the possibility that your sons may move for work reasons. But it also seems that you're assuming your boys might spend more time with their in-laws if they marry. I don't think you should base this major decision on something that might not happen. Their future wives may not have living parents, or their parents may live far away or be aged. Again, playing the 'what if' game - perhaps they'll marry and the wives want to work after having children - maybe they'd look to you for help with child care.

There are so many variables it's easy to see why you're torn. I have a lot of sympathy for you.

Maire


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

We have always had difference between us and our kids. From ND to No Calif to Michigan and we manage to keep in touch. Because we did much traveling with a RV we managed to see them at least once a year or more, but they always like to come ""HOME" where we were. I would not move right away---as many offered what could happen and yes I have seen those things happen. It happened to a friend of mine -she moved from CO to TX to be close to a son and a year later the son moved to another state. She had bought a very expensive home, the RE market fell, and she ended up with a upside loan which she just sold at a big loss. And her health is not good.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Now is the time you and DH should be thinking of how YOU want to spend your retirement years. How you are connected to your community where you are now with friends, church, hobby and lifestyle.... or where YOU might want to live. Children 'move on ' in their lives, just as we did while our kids were growing up; Grand parents are the EXTRA blessings in their lives while THEIR parents and friends are where they have their daily interactions. When the time comes that you or they 'need' you close, that will be an option open to you.

Our society is so mobile these days.... nothing is permanent. We moved to Oregon to be near one child... #2 child and DH moved to this state as well. Both marriages have now failed and the only thing I know for sure, is that CHANGE happens, and one has to be prepared for that. Cherish the years that you and DH have for now...write down your "bucket list" and consider doing that while you allow your DD to work out her life with her DH and Child. It's nice to be able to spend time with them.... that is what summers are for, and having Grands on your territory, (I believe) gives you the best opportunity to create the Best memories for you and them. That is my experience, at least, with 2 of the 4 grands we have. We did live within 150 miles in the young years.... but followed up with them living half the continent away.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

I got a divorce. With it came the opportunity to move ANYPLACE in the world.... more or less.

I could have gone back to Germany... but all my friends are here in the US.

I could have moved to one of the many fabulous places I have traveled through, but my daughters live, one here, one in New Mexico.

I could have moved to New Mexico and been closer to my grand kids.

The other daughter isn't married, and prolly never will be.

I stayed here. My friends live here. One of my daughters lives near.

My grand kids will grow up with, or without me... Yes, I would like to be near, but I would have had to start all over, all by myself... cause, after all, my daughter, son in law and the kids are well established and have a life or their own...

So, I stayed. I visit as often as I can. I see them here once a year, when they come to see her sister, and her dad.... and me. :)

Also to toss in to the mix, is living expenses. Way cheaper here.

It was a tough decision, but I am happy with it.

Moni


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

I have several friends who live 6 months in one area and 6 months in another. Some to be close to children and some to escape the cold in the winter and heat in the summer. Mostly they have a small house in one area and a condo in the other. I agree that your SIL might make several career moves and not be in the new location long-term. That's always a chance you take when you move to be close to a child and don't want to move again if they do. Personally, I would want to live where I was happy and would work at keeping in close touch with my "away" children via skype, etc. unless I had a need to live close for support, etc. You could make numerous visits out west for the cost of moving.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

I feel for you, I really do. My husband and I have talked about this and we both agree that we would not want to make a move just because of our daughters.
But, they are not married and I don't think we really know how we will feel if grandchildren were involved.
I don't know your finances, but would it be possible for you to rent your house and then rent a small apartment for yourselves in the area where your daughter might be?
In my area, the rental market is excellent, so this is something we might consider down the road.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Tough choice; I can't fathom being away from my grandkids. But like someone else said, they will eventually grow up too.....not sure I would pack up & follow my daughter's family, but not sure I could live without seeing my grandkids on a regular basis either....I'm not much help, am I? :(


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

No, I wouldn't just move away from my home, especially not following a young working couple. You can't know how long they'll be in that new location. Are you going to chase after them with every move?

I'd also worry about what message you would be sending your sons.
"I love DD more because she has provided grandchildren." Really? That's not a message I'd want to send to any of my children.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

You would need to give careful consideration to the sky high prices of homes anywhere in the west. Home prices there are unbelieveable! would you want to sell your large home and live in a one bedroom apt. just to be near the grands?


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

It's good to think about this, but I think you are trying to make a decision before anything happens. Wait until you see if they are actually going to move, then decide. That said, I think it makes sense to be near the "child" you are closest to.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Thank you for all your very helpful responses. For certain DH and I would never move at the same time as DD, if we move at all. It would be after they already are well settled and only if we knew for sure that our sons were fine with it. It's true that change is the only constant and I just can't predict how things will play out, as far as when and if my sons will marry and have children and where they will live. One son loves his current city, so he might be there for years. The other son is still finishing graduate school there, but could end up moving far away for his career.

As mentioned, it's impossible to know how often I'd be visited by my sons once they have their own families. DH and I feel we would be able to adapt to a new city and meet new friends, so that isn't a strong issue for us. I have told DD that if she ends up moving across the country she must do it with the knowledge that we may never move there, to ensure they don't make any decision on that basis.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Here's the alternative we picked, keep our home that we have and is where all our doctors are, and friends etc., and buy an RV travel trailer. That way you can travel to spend time together with them but still have your own place to stay in, you can rent spots for weeks or months. Go back to the house when you are ready, see the boys. Plus you get to enjoy the travel, see new places. Then if some day you decide to move go ahead then you can use the RV to go back and visit your sons wherever they end up.
It has been one of the best decisions we ever made. And of course many people are full timers living in the RV. You can always rent one and try it out. There are many used ones that are extremely reasonably priced.

I personally would not move across country with out much consideration of many factors. Health being a big one since you mentioned retirement. Things can change quickly as we age.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

3 kids here and one 3 hours away...we're really lucky...I do miss my 3 dgds, but have 6 here in town...

and it would depend on where in the west...so ca? no way...couldn't stand the weather and smog...


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

As Nanny98 said, "Now is the time you and DH should be thinking of how YOU want to spend your retirement years. How you are connected to your community where you are now with friends, church, hobby and lifestyle.... or where YOU might want to live."

I will be retired by this time next year, and hubby will retire in 2016. We have already started to think about where we want to live once we're both retired.

Currently we live in California, and I am adamant that I do not want to stay in California. Hubs has been in California since 1960, and I've been in California since 1962.

Sales tax is high in California. Income tax is high in California. Property tax is high in California, unless you've owned the same home since about 1978. California doesn't tax Social Security benefits, but other retirement income is taxed, and California has perhpas the highest tax rate.

So, before you move, do your research. Unless, of course, you are independently wealthy and taxes won't affect the big bucks you'll be able to spend when you're retired.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Nope, I wouldn't because today kids change jobs , move up the ladder or are transferred. Then you'd be stuck in a strange part of the country with no one. But I see your quandary. My daughter and husband lived in VA Beach for a few years , and I never thought they'd move back to PA where they both lived all their lives, but they did over 20 years ago. They live five minutes from me, and I see them all the time and go to grandson's sports events. In fact we all had dinner at Panera tonight. My son lives fifteen minutes away and we see him not as often but for all birthdays and any other holiday. We talk on the phone but sons aren't as in to that as we girls are.

But daughter wants to buy a home in Costa Rico and spend part of the year there. I hope it doesn't happen.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Stay put. *Eventually* you might want to be closer to DD and her family -- if your health becomes fragile, or if she needs help. You want to have your own lives, and you want her to have hers too. A little distance can be a very good thing!


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

linda, I guess I should have mentioned I'm in Ontario and my DD might possibly consider moving to Alberta if her hubby finds a great job out there. The taxes are a lot lower there, so our standard of living would not suffer if we made the move.

Mary, when my DD and SIL broached the idea with us and said that if they ended up out west, they'd love us to think about moving there after retirement, they told us that as Alberta has many more job opportunities in my SIL's field (engineering) than here in Ontario, they will likely never move back to Ontario if they ever move west.

Regardless, DH and I would never attempt to 'chase after them with every move.' As I mentioned earlier, DH would only move across country once, so if DD settles out west, then moves again, we'll be staying. I do have lots of family there as well, so we'd never be just stranded by ourselves, so to speak.

Also, I know my sons would never in a million years think that I "love DD more because she has provided grandchildren." Our SONS feeling abandoned was never my concern, in fact, they'd probably laugh if I told them that. They are so busy with their own jobs/studies/social lives that DH swears they wouldn't even noice we had moved, lol.

I originally posted that "I still worry I'd feel like I abandoned them if we went out west to be near our daughter's family..." because I was thinking about later, if they have children. It would obviously not be possible to have the same kind of relationship with their children, due to the distance. So for sure, DH will give a great deal of consideration before we ever decide to move across country.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

We did this twice in 6 years -- 900 miles, then 1000 miles, with 2 shorter moves in 2 states involving rentals. We recently moved 3 times in 15 months. The 1st move was for the 2nd sons family (4 kids) and the 2nd for our daughters family. For the 1st move, our oldest son already lived there and our daughter moved there 3 months earlier and our 3rd son moved with us. For our 2nd move, we left oldest and 3rd sons in that city (2nd son and family had moved 1000 miles away 8 months earlier.) 3rd son felt kinda abandoned and asked me, "If I have a kid are you going to move back here?"

Anyway, through all the hassles of moving, selling and renting and buying houses, I would do it all again. I had 5 wonderful years watching the 4 oldest grands grow up from 3-7 yr. olds; (they visited last week, now almost 11 to 15!) and now I'm with the 2 and 1 year old grands 5 days a week. This is what I and my husband want to do in retirement: be a significant part of these kids lives. I feel blessed that we have been able to make these moves, to follow the grandkids.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Here is something else to think about, "out of the mouth of babes." When our Sons family moved 1000 miles away, our DILs parents moved to be near them (they'd always lived 5 minutes away, from the time the oldest was 3 mos. old.) Lauren was 8, recently moved 1000 miles away from us and made this comment to her Dad (after we moved 1000 miles to be near her infant cousin. She was missing me and told him, "We have Nana and Papa here and Audrey has Grammy and Gramps there and that's a good thing. Because kids need grandparents. She hit the nail on the head. Kids NEEED grandparents.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

DH and I only have 1 child and she lives 6 hours away. She's already been taking us to an area of her city she "thinks we might want to live" when DH retires in 5 years. She's not married yet, but is in a serious relationship. It's certainly something I would consider (especially once there are grandchildren)... but our big reason for staying where we are is that both of us have elderly parents in the area. If we moved it'd be like we were abandoning them.

Lots of things can change in 5 years of course. Better for us to just wait and see than to start making plans.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

pickyshopper - my answer would be No. I also live in Ontario and we did move to Alberta (Calgary) several years ago. We both hated it as did many other people from the east. Re cost of living we did not find it cheaper - during boom times housing costs are as high if not higher than in Toronto and supply is limited. The air was extremely drying and I was born with dry skin. The available food was not good and it was expensive. Things have improved since we were there, but the cost of living I am not so sure about - and it seems to be an area of bust and boom - much like most of the world these days - but oil is king out there. I would speak with a lot of people who have moved from the east to Alberta to get different viewpoints. Many people from the Maritimes had moved to Alberta when we were there and couldn't wait to go back.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

eccentric, we currently live in Toronto, so I know the housing in Calgary is comparable, but not pricier than where we are now. My niece (who moved to Edmonton last year) has told us it's very dry out there compared to here, as you mentioned. We've also heard about the food being costly and that the choices are less, especially regarding fresh produce. I guess the taxes being lower and of course the cheaper gas would be the main draw, other than the pleasure derived from being able to be near our grandchild.

drewsmaga, I envy that you have been able to move about and have been able to optimize the moves to spend some years seeing each of your grandchildren grow up. I would love that, but DH just isn't up to zigzagging back and forth if we have some children/grandchildren in Ontario and some in Alberta. That is why I would agonize about moving, if my DD ends up there, because if my sons have children in the future, they may always live in Ontario. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that SIL will find an engineering company he's happier withright here and this will all be a non issue.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

The "experts" say it is not a good idea to move to be closer to kids because about the time you get moved, they get a transfer or lose a job and then they might need to move again.

But since you still have your mate, and I assume friends, where you now live, I would say to stay where you are....but if one of you pass or for your health reason, you need support, then I would say to move....provided you are retired and can afford to live where your children live.

It is a tough call.....so best of luck!


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

If I had it to do over.....I would "rent" for awhile and NOT sell our house where we'd lived for 46 years. We moved out of state and have been in our new house almost 6 years...and..."I" still miss our "old" place!! Just my opinion. Try to make sure you want to move !!!! : )


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Hi pick-up shopper,

Eggs take a while to hatch.

Don't be in a hurry ... life is usually full of surprises.

A number of useful suggestions have been offered.

One of mine lives nearby ... the other has a partner who rents out motorcycles in Cozumel. Used to live in a nearby city for a while, but developed itchy feet.

Came back for a time, several years ago, when her mom was rather seriously ill: not for that reason, it seems to have been a fortunate co-incidence.

ole joyful


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

I am very close with all 4 of my children and live no more than 6 miles from them, one is only a half mile away. Would I move, probably not. I would really have to think about it.

Sue


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

I think before moving, I would rent a condo in the area and see if we liked the area... During my hubby's career, we've moved 3 times.. I like the RV/travel trailer idea if you both enjoy seeing new places.. plus when you visit, you're not constantly under their feet...


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

abandonment?

Someone up there suggested that your daughter and husband are abandoning you. That is so crazy imo -

It's about raising families, doing what's right for the core family (Him, her, and their kids) and grands are extra. Long visits can be particularly special - I loved the twice a year visits with my grandparents.

I think it is so manipulative and even abusive to make grown children feel badly for choosing a career over remaining put to please their parents. I don't read you doing this - but when someone else mentioned who was abandoning who it really triggered my own feelings from experience.

By the way, we know how your daughter feels - how does your son in law feel about the idea of you following them?


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

this is such a boom time from what I understand, but oil industry is so uncertain...had a cousin who made the "big move" to Alaska..bought a lovely home and not 3-4 years later, was out the door....he too, was a engineer...

talk about career change? he and his brother now run a extremely good cleaning service in the phoenix area!


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

I understand what you're saying. I can only tell you from the other side of the coin. I will preface this with, mom didn't move farther away, but she moved closer to my sister. I had been planning to move closer to her and then she popped that into the equation. I was kinda hurt. But it really doesn't matter in the end. I still talk to her all the time. We meet at the movies, the pool, whatever and wherever. I felt a "twinge" of her having turned her back on me, but it was fleeting and really, I just had to get over it. She was just moving to a subdivision she thought was beautiful. Now, sister is moving! so life is fluid and things change. We all adapt. And it is all fine. She loves us equally and was never choosing. It was silly for me to feel that way even if it was fleeting and only a twinge. I'm a silly goose (or as Buddy says in Elf, "I'm a cotton-headed, ninny-muggins". That fits so well)!

Who knows, maybe your sons would move there too?! Wouldn't that be a hoot?


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

amy, I totally agree with you that it would be ridiculous to think DD would be abandoning me if her and SIL move out west to further his career. Our children have to do what is best for THEIR family, even if it moves them far away from their parents.

It was actually my SIL who came up with the idea. He knows that DD and I are very close and loves that she has me to turn to if she needs any help with the baby, while he's at work. SIL had both sets of grandparents living near him when he was growing up and he said he'd love it if his children had the same. However, his parents still live in the same city where he grew up, along with his siblings and their children. SIL says it's very unlikely that his parents will ever move away from two of their children, both sets of grandchildren and all their lifelong friends. So SIL is hoping that if he and DD end up moving across the country that we might consider moving there after DH retires next spring.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

Praying that your SIL find a local job that he loves.


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RE: Would you move far to be near 1 of your kids? long

I think it is so manipulative and even abusive to make grown children feel badly for choosing a career over remaining put to please their parents. I don't read you doing this - but when someone else mentioned who was abandoning who it really triggered my own feelings from experience.

Not sure if it was my post that you are referring to or not... but in my case we wouldn't be moving for a career... just moving to be closer to our daughter. We WOULD be 'abandoning' our parents, my DH's mother will be 89 in a couple weeks, she depends on me to do her weekly medications and her laundry and to take her for doctor visits, DH mows her grass and keeps up with her household repairs. My own parents are doing well for now, but who knows what the future will bring.

I certainly didn't think my DD was abandoning me when she moved away for a job. I was jumping for joy that she actually found a job in today's market!

I think It really depends on individual circumstances.


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