Ok. well Texasone, I just read your most recent post. That sheds a completely different light on it. Now it sounds that it is, for sure, a point of contention; I didn't get that from your first 2 posts. And it doesn't sound like a particularly happy, trusting marriage as I'd mentioned previously.

So - if you feel more secure with that $32,000, in case you divorce or otherwise need it to protect yourself, my opinion changes.

I would consult with a certified financial planner before doing anything. You don't have many liquid assets and are at the age where you need them. If he really wants to pay off the land, there are other ways to manage it.

Personally, if you have any doubts, say no. This isn't the first and it won't be the last request for money. Stay fast to the decisions and do not let anyone guilt you into handing over money "to keep the peace".

I inherited a nice amount from my Mom and we put in a new kitchen with my hubby doing the work. I surprised him with $500.00 when he was finished for a power washer he had been wanting. I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him. He inherited a ton more then I did when his Mom died. In our state he could have put it in his name only and I could have never touched it. There was no question that he put it in both our names. We have always been a partnership from day one. I trust him, he trusts me. Neither of us would spend any of it without each other knowing. That's just the way our household is.

Conflict is so hard on me emotionally and I usually do anything I can to avoid it. I never learned to stand up for myself like I should have and detest someone close to me ignoring me or finding fault in things I do because they are mad that they did not get the answer they wanted. Since he has paid most of our married life does that automatically mean that it is my turn now? That is one line he says. He's a seller for sure.

I did not read all replies.

My ex, and I both inherited money. He from his mom, me from my dad.

Unfortunately I let him put mine in to investments we had, and unfortunately I got only about half of it during the divorce.

I was like others, and thought, OURS!

He spent his.

Life goes on.

Moni

No, the fact that he has been the primary wage earner does NOT mean that it's now "your turn". You have also worked hard and done important work (raising your sons! and keeping track of the house etc.); you just didn't get a salary for it. If you had gotten a salary for all the child care and home management, you'd have a lot more money than that inheritance saved up right now! All of the work you've done has benefited him; he doesn't get to act like it doesn't matter now.

I'm sorry he's pressuring you so much. If he has trouble managing money, it sounds like he may be someone who just feels like he has to spend money if there's money available - otherwise it feels like it's burning a hole in his pocket. If that's the case, then his arguments don't really mean anything except that there's a pile of money and he's itching to spend it.

It sounds like you're not going to be able to convince him to see it your way because the reasons and arguments he's giving aren't really the underlying issue - it's just that it's hard for him to see money go unspent. I think I'd quit trying to counter all of his arguments and just say, "Honey, that money isn't available, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. Let's talk about (another topic)." Maybe if you refuse to get drawn into the discussion he'll stop trying so hard to convince you.

I can't imagine being so selfish as to keep any inheritance to myself!

Maybe you would if money burned a hole in your husband's pocket and there was nothing saved for retirement.

I don't think being responsible about money is "selfish" at all. Too many people are of the mind' "if we have it, spend it" and deal wiith the consequences later.
If he is constantly reminding you that he has "paid most our married life" and "what he has done for me all these years", that doesn't sound like much of a partnership, or marriage, at all! You just lounged around on the couch and ate bon~bons and watched TV for 27 years while he brought home the bacon, took care of the land, took care of the home, raised your children? Sounds like he is already slowly guilting you into making withdrawals, were those for the household, or for things just relative to him?

Sometimes people get it in their heads that "what's mine is mine & what's yours is mine too", & it drives them crazy when they can't get the other person's money.

If you hadn't gotten this money, your husband wouldn't be beeching about what you've done during the years of your marriage...
but you'd also have nothing saved to take care of yourself in the future.

I once went to the closing of a home sale in which the homeowners, who had been married for close to 30 years, were getting a divorce;
the house was community property.

Husband had had a paying job all those years, & wife had raised the kids, including 2 of his from a previous marriage, & had done everything else involved in family life.

At closing, husband was absolutely smouldering.

He finally lost control & blew up/threw a fit/exploded, & yelled at her that she shouldn't get a dime, since he had worked all those years while 'you sat on your @$$!'

Head down, eyes downcast, she almost whispered, "I'm sorry, John, but I have to have something to live on."

The two of them had agreed that she would keep the homefires burning, & she had done it.
If she hadn't been legally entitled to that money, she wouldn't have gotten it.

*He'd have left her without a dime* & maintained that he'd paid her way all these years & she was on her own now.

Even if your husband were or is a model of loving kindness, you just can't give him money.

With a financially reckless spouse, you need to secure your own future, & maybe his as well.

That land was bought based on the plan that it would be paid for out of his salary.
If he can't budget for it, the land needs to be sold.

If it will bring a profit now, then now is the time to sell it.

You might check with the bank & find out what the actual increase in payments will be.

If it isn't much, don't worry about it;
he'll come up with the money.

If it's an uncomfortable increase, sit down with him to see where the money can come from *out of your budget*.

If it's too much, sell the land & the cattle & put the proceeds of sale in a safe, monetary investment.

View this as a business & financial decision, not a personal matter of giving in or having an argument.

As silvercomet suggested,
"Honey, that money isn't available".

I am so sorry that you're going through this, & I wish you the very best.

Don't give him the money.

For those who talk about selfishness, or trust or being married and becoming "one" - what a bunch of emotional claptrap.

I have been happily married for 30 years but I am fully aware of both mine and my husbands good and bad points. We are two people, not tied together and when it comes to inheritances those are tied to our respective families, upbringings, etc and it is up to each of us as to what we do with it. I would never presume to tell my husband what to do with his and I certainly don't expect to share in it. If he should decide to throw it into the joint account that will be completely up to him. If he decides to directly pass it on to our children that will be up to him.

I shared my small inheritance. Used it as a down payment on our first house.

However, if you have no liquid savings for an emergency or if the marriage is less than ideal, I would be very careful to protect it as a lump sum for an emergency.

I'd do some of all of the suggested. I'd save some, put some towards the land, and keep/splurge with some. But it boils down to... it's your choice. Not his, not ours.

Well said, Blfenton...
I would never presume to tell my husband what to do with his and I certainly don't expect to share in it. If he should decide to throw it into the joint account that will be completely up to him. If he decides to directly pass it on to our children that will be up to him.

Another thought....a bank, or any other lending institution cannot, under law, raise the interest rate, or call it loan in ...just because a lender comes into more liquid assets (money).

He's selling you a story...and don't be surprised if you buy this story, and he comes to you for more.

Is there a balloon payment due or something like that? And then he wanted to borrow against the land again? Like the others, I can't imagine why the bank is raising the interest rate.

I would take myself to the bank and ask, alone. Get the real story.

When my MIL died and DH got his inheritance, it all went into our joint account at the brokerage firm. When I eventually inherit, the same thing will happen, assuming our marriage is like it is now, but he's the smart one about money in our household. I might keep some out and put it into a separate account so I could have some "fun" money, but it won't be a huge amount. We usually buy whatever we want, within reason, anyway.

Texasone, I too stayed home with the kids for their growing up years, finally getting a part-time job when it was appropriate. It was the agreement we had, he worked at a paying job, I took care of the kids and house. Just because I didn't get a paycheck doesn't matter (it's a 24/7 job, right?).

If you give up the money, you will be betraying yourself, and you are going to feel sorry you did it. I can tell you treasure that little nest egg. I have a feeling if it were not the land issue, there would be some other reason he wants to get his fingers in your money. Some people just cannot let money sit and grow, thinking it is made to be spent. See if you can work out some sort of compromise with DH. If the payments go up a bit, could you kick in something each month to accommodate that change?

Best wishes, follow your heart. You've gotten a lot of good suggestions and thoughts here. Follow the ones that feel best to you.

Thank you..I felt many heartfelt answers and I appreciate it. I know it is hard to give an answer without hearing both sides. I suffer from depression off and on and I am so fearful that sometime in the near future I won't have money to get the meds I need to run a smooth life. That's a BIG fear for me because without the meds I simply cannot get out of bed and my husband does not know what to do with me and cannot handle something he cannot fix himself. He's an aquarius and doesn't show his feelings and we hardly ever show affection besides in bed(this part of us is good). I wish I felt closer to him intimitely and I would feel better sharing my money but it doesn't seem to bother him as it does me. That's how aquarius men are. They don't long for intimate close relationships and I do.

I really think you need to decide what would work best for you and your husband. No one else can tell you what to do. If you have been married any length of time you should know how this would work out in the end. If you have any doubts, both you and your husband together should discuss this together with a financial counselor.

"That's how aquarius men are. "

Perhaps marriage counseling might help. I've never seen a marriage counselor ad that excludes Aquarius men because 'that's the way they are'. I think that change is hard but that there is always room for better understanding.

Texasone -- This isn't just about your relationship. Please set that aside while you deal with this *business* matter. IMO you need more savings, not more land.

Call the bank, What is the status of the loan? Call an appraiser and find out the current value of the land. If you sold the land today, what would you get for it? (Deduct paying off the loan and any closing costs or commissions.)

This would keep your inheritance intact and growing and also provide some liquid savings in both your names. Land can be a good investment, but only as a small part of a portfolio of investments, and seldom if it's held for a long time. Investors put money into real estate in anticipation of being able to turn it into more money *in a short time*. They don't want to own it outright, preferring to leverage the cost of holding -- with a loan -- it until it can be sold at a profit.

He says he wants to pour more money into land. And you say, "We have everything in property now. We have no savings. I want to sell that 30 acres to establish some actual savings *for us*. My inheritance is far too little as it is. Where's *our* emergency and retirement savings?"

I'd be nervous too. I can't live gambling on some 'angle' without backup in the bank.

I hope your call to the bank doesn't reveal any surprises.

We need this 30 acres to put some of our cows on....that is why it was purchased in the first place but we also knew that with city water, cleaning up the land and fencing it that it would be worth much more and it is. We were not looking to sell this land anytime soon but if something happened to him I would have a piece of land that was paid for and I could build on if needed. I have no plans to stay in this hick town after he is gone. I am 30 miles from a wal-mart out in the sticks. Our farm is absolutely beautiful thanks to my husband's hard work and him being a little OC about everything. He is a hard man to work for because there is only one way and that's his way. My son's tried and finally left because they could not get along with him. He picks everything anybody else does to death but then complains because he gets no help.His mom told me 27 years ago that he would be a hard man to be married to but of course I was in love and didn't listen. We moved to the country because he had a bad drinking problem with "the guys" after work and knew if he didn't get away from that he might kill someone on the way home. Out here he has plenty to keep him busy and hasn't drank a drop for 15 years.. It just seems like you just pour money into a hole when you farm..especially getting set up with tractors,barns, fertilizer, hay, feed for the cow, chicks etc.Just how it looks to me. I spend my time sub teaching at the HS and reading. I have no close friends out here and no family at all..

This post was edited by texasone on Wed, Sep 24, 14 at 19:13

" I just don't know if I have it in me at 57 but my
money makes me feel a little safer and things have been
tight around the farm these days"

This said it all for me. Land and cattle prices fluctuate but what you have in the bank is secure, SAHM is invaluable. I beleive the average cost to hire someone to do what you have done for years without a paycheck is in excess of $60,000. You have done your part.

Sweetie, your DH is just using 'emotional blackmail' to get at your $$. I would not give it up~~~it is your retirement $$ and it makes you feel happy and relaxed. That is why your parents wanted it for you.

I think some type of counseling for you would help out a lot. If the counselor wanted to bring in your DH, OK, but you should do it for yourself.

Knowledge is Power, do as other posters have said, find out what is going on with that land. Whereever your $$ is at they should have a financial advisor you can talk to about you $$.

Best of Luck~~~Stand Strong

Do you plan to retire toghether....i.e sell the farm and move elsewhere or back home and buy a small home? Your $$ might be better spent saving it for retirement.

Is it possible to pay a little more each month or double your payment to get the land paid off sooner?

It sounds like you have already given him $30,000 or so if you are down to $140 from $170. I would tread very carefully with the rest, especially since you said your husband is not good with money. Agree--go talk to the bank alone and find out what the real scoop is on the land mortgage...that's your first order of business.

57 is not to old! I got a divorce at 57. I was a SAHM and had no assets of my own, including my inheritance cause he "invested" it.

If you are so unsure, please go for counseling, and make up your mind.

I am 60 now, happy alone. I never would have thought this would be possible.

Moni

No, it is your security, anything can change in a marriage, keep it separate.
If your husband had been left an inheritance would he do the same for you (share), I doubt it.

Been there!

Wish you the best1

That money is YOURS! Do not even consider giving it to him. From reading most of your posts, it does not sound like your marriage is very solid if you have considered leaving him before....in fact, this might even be adding to your depression. We women usually out-live our husbands and you might need it to live on if you do not have a retirement fund of your own.

Good luck in your decision but do not be bullied into doing anything you are 100% comfortable in doing.

I would tell my DH that I don't completely understand the terms of the loan, and that I'm sure the bank is used to explaining things like this. Then call the bank and ask them to give you the details on each and every outstanding loan for which you can legally be held responsible.

Why would you go along with adding to the farm -- buying land supposedly for you when you don't want to live there now, let alone later. If your DH wants to provide for you in future, let him stop adding to his herd and start saving money. He doesn't have to *prove* anything to anyone but you. He's not his brothers.

How about telling him that that money is for OUR retirement. It will never, ever be spent on anything. That's OUR little nest egg should something go wrong with the farm or you should get sick. That's OUR back-up. It makes me feel secure. I will absolutely not spend it on anything so don't ask and don't bring it up again. That way you have included him but if something should happen in the relationship, it really is still your money.

Is the farm/cattle operation income producing operation? Do you depend in income from the farm to support your family or is it a hobby farm only? Does this land add to the farming operation and therefore your families' ability to produce the income? I think that makes a huge difference. If your husband's job and your household's income depends upon a livestock operation, the land may not be an unnecessary extravagance.

But, like others, I'm also a bit concerned with your husband's stated reason for needing the money. His interest rate argument has some holes in it. He is either financially unsophisticated or hiding something or both. The "untaxed" stocks and bond sales you mention also sounds a bit questionable. How informed are you on the farm and family finances? Is there other debt that he may be paying? After the land loan is paid off will you and your husband own all the land free and clear? Chisue's advice on going to talk to the banker excellent. Both spouses need to be fully aware of the families finances.

Do we share inheritances? Our answer has been a combination. DH has inherited more liquid assets and I have inherited more income producing assets (farmland). Income from my family farm goes into the household kitty along with our income from employment and it has allowed us a good many luxuries and grow joint savings. It also will fund a significant portion of our retirement. DH has used some of his inheritances for family purposes but the rest has been invested. We are both professionals, both still work and each also have our own 401ks and smaller "mad money" separate savings account. Bottom line is that we hold title in inherited assets separately, but consider them joint in that they all are used for family purposes or to fund our future retirement and we coordinate our finances so that we keep a balance.

The terms with the bank don't make sense to me. Is there a balloon payment due that he's worried about? If so, the bank will refinance at that time. How much longer is the term on the loan? Even if they raise the interest rate, it's only $32k, not $320k. The interest that you would save by paying this off would likely be very negligible.

It sounds as if your DH is trying to guilt you into paying off the land. If you want to share your inheritance and do something that your DH wants, that's up to you. But it should be because you want to do something for him, not because he made you feel guilty.

I agree with Katlan and Juellie. I don't understand marriages where everything isn't "ours."

If the money was given to you, then you have no obligation to do anything with it that you do not want to do with it. I wish you luck and ease with making your decision.

" I don't understand marriages where everything isn't "ours.""

People get married for a variety of reasons. Sex. Money. Security. Pregnancy. Arranged marriage.
Those pairs of people do not necessarily automatically love each other.
They are not necessarily pairs of good people. The individuals can be abusers, bigamists, thieves, murderers or on a less dramatic scale can be bad with money, dishonest, or out for what they can get.

There are marriages where both people love and trust each other. But only those who are extremely naive think that all couples have that kind of relationship.

Even if/when the partners married for pure passionate love, if one of them wastes money, the other one had better control as much of their money as possible.

Land & cattle sound good, they sound solid, they sound romantic, in an old-west kind of way.

They are not.

They are dangerous, volatile, & heartbreaking, & no experienced investor would put more than he could afford to lose into land and cattle.

Land & cattle are just like roulette;
the odds are so bad that experienced gamblers do not play that game.

If you can make a profit now, especially if the bank loan must be renewed at a higher rate, please look at selling.

Consult an experienced broker or your banker, or somebody, to get some professional insight into your best odds.

Lucille, I get what you're saying. I just don't understand it. Not personally. Everyone has to make their own choices for their own reasons. How other married couples choose to live their lives together is their business, and others do not have to understand. I am positive lots of people don't get me and my husband. :) Also doesn't mean that I can't wish all parties involved well and to be able to make the best decisions for themselves.

Call the bank. Go over your family finances to see where the money is coming from and where it's going. Do you have a CPA who does your tax returns?

Are you saying your DH is licensed to sell muni's (tax-free bonds)? Are you sure he isn't playing the market as a day trader?
I like the "OUR Savings" thoughts posted by georgysmom. For one thing, it's absolutely *true* if you have no savings other than what you have inherited.

Your DH sounds driven. Sad. Dangerous. And nothing you can 'fix' by depleting your savings.

Texasone, you must go back to your last post and remove the geographic locations. You must be careful about sharing too much here. Please....go now to do it.

I didn't read all of the updates, just kind of skimmed through them, but I am thinking that if you are uncomfortable with the situation, maybe you should discuss it with a lawyer or a financial planner, rather than getting a mix of all of our personal opinions. Just a thought.

Inheritance is who is named to get it.

Its between siblings, spouses, partners, etc. who ever it is can do what they want with it and its theirs only.

I know my friend inherited and her husband told her its all hers and put it in her own account.

I agree with that, unless you going to lose the roof over your head,emergencies, its yours to do with it as you please.

Many spouses, siblings, etc. won't agree but that is okay as its yours.

There are different circumstances and only you know what to do deep down in your what is best.

We don't know fully, what the land looks like or where it is and is it good there,etc.

We have some debt so what we make on the farm is only going to that pretty much. My husband cut up some credit cards and wanted to get this piece of land paid for as we are paying the bank a big sum of interest on this land along with the payment. He also had 4 telephone lines in his office and he had 3 disconnected to help save. In a couple of years we will have to refinance our house and he said we needed to get some of these debts out of the way before the refinance. It is true we needed to regroup and work on some of this and paying off this land that we need but is worth much more than we paid for it is one way to save some money (interest). I agreed to pay off the land since it would be pretty easy to sell and we can work on getting other things paid off. I just wish he was a little more appreciative but he said you aren't giving the $ to me you are giving it to the bank and your name is on the title too. I told him I felt like I was giving $ to a stranger and that I didn't feel close to him and that was bothering me more than anything. He said he has been so tied up trying to figure out the best way to handle these finances he hasn't had time for anyone. He said he wished we didn't have to take the money out either.....don't know if that was for my benefit or what. I plan to stop by the bank and ask about this particular bank loan and see if the amount he said he needed is indeed what the pay off is. I so want this to work but I am so afraid of finding out something off key....but better late than never. Thank you friends again and I will keep in touch.

Good luck. My gut feeling is that you have a lot more problems than whether or not to spend this inheritance.

In MY marriage, I would be HIGHLY insulted, offended, furious, mad, etc. etc. if DH considered any inheritance to be his alone. It would be a deal-breaker for me. We are a share-and-share-alike couple. Both our paychecks go into ONE account and any large expenditures are discussed beforehand.

Actually, DH did receive a small-potatoes inheritance about 20 years ago. By mutual agreement, we used it as a down payment on some raw land - what a coincidence! We sold that land this spring for 4.5 times what we had paid for it. That worked out well.

Paycheques going into one account and large expenditures being discussed beforehand has absolutely nothing to do with inheritances. Money earned during a marriage by each party to the marriage can split the earned income or join it together how ever they like.

An inheritance is not earned during a marriage. That is money earned by an individual spouses parents and some of that will have been earned while the spouse was a child and it could be that spouse was part of the earning power as well either by contributing to the family income or perhaps in an advisory capacity when that spouses parents were older.

To assume that one has a claim in any form to a spouses inheritance is arrogant. Perhaps in some states it automatically becomes community property but I don;t know. In our case, as I have previously stated, when my DH inherits it will be HIS choice as to what he does with it. It is HIS family's money earned by his parents and I had nothing to do with the growth of that money.

It doesn't mean that there is trouble in my 30 year marriage - it simple means that I have zero claim on that money. In our case, however, I do have claim on his paycheque because I do contribute to the earning of that, but I have certainly never contributed to the earning of the inheritance and have therefore no claim on that.

To Texasone:

"I agreed to pay off the land"

It was your decision to make. I hope you prosper and that things go well,and you are always welcome here. Marriage is not a one-size-fits-all, so each of us has given our own perspective.
I hope that you will try to keep your remaining funds as a hedge against the uncertainties of life.
You might consider making that trip to the bank to check on things before you actually write out the payoff check.

I agree with stopping by the bank to check things out before paying it off. Do you know how much interest you're paying monthly on this loan? I would insist on knowing that, because you can't make an informed decision otherwise. Unless you have a VERY high interest rate, the monthly interest on a loan that size shouldn't be very much.

You say that your husband is not very good with finances. Paying off the land to save on interest may or may not be the best way to go. In some cases, depending on the interest rate, the time value of the money, if invested, may be more favorable. For some people, it's just a peace of mind issue. They would rather have the debt paid off even if they might come out ahead to invest the money. That is certainly an individual choice.

I wish you the best, but I would investigate and proceed with caution. I have seen situations where a spouse steps in to help out the other and ends up getting burned. In one case, a lady cashed in her entire retirement account to help her husband pay off some things. It wasn't long before they were back in debt again thanks to his spending.

Let's be clear; an inheritance isn't earned by an adult child anymore than the adult child's spouse. It is a gift, an honor, a blessing that the parents left for their child. And if it is earned, my husband earned it just as much as I did because we have been together since we were 17 and he helped and loved my parents just as much if not more than I did.

No one suggested there are problems in anyone's marriage if they don't share. I'm not arrogant and I'm not naïve, just in a loving trusting sharing relationship. (Thank you God!!)

There are many things here that don't add up to anything good.

Why is a woman who is depressed enough to be medicated for it living isolated on a farm, far from all family and any potential friends? Where are her sons (who couldn't stand working with their father)? Why does a farmer need four phone lines? Why is she pressured to deplete her only potential source of independence? Why would she trust money to someone she knows can't handle it and who has reached age 57 with no savings and heavy debt?

Can she make an appointment with her doctor and get a referral to a licensed psychologist? She says she subs in a school; anyone there who could refer her to counseling?

She needs some help and support before she will face whatever is going on here and stop allowing herself to be manipulated. She'll want to stop just *reacting* and start making some self-directed decisions about her future.

I agree it sounds like there is more going on here than how to spend an inheritance. It sounds like you don't trust him...and maybe you shouldn't....I don't know. It seems he's asking you to bail him out of some poor financial decisions he has made.

Why will you have to refinance your house in a few years?

Simply put, I shared my inheritance and DH shared his. We have joint accounts. We are a happy team. We are family.

Thank you, chisue, for putting it into focus.
Husband sounds like a manipulator & maybe a narcissist.

texasone, please please get some expert *outside* help & guidance.

Your husband's behavior is overbearing & his motives are suspect to say the least.

Please get someone on your side.

I wish you the best.