If he is married, DON'T. The least whiff of something like that can escalate and ruin his career. Loose lips sink ships. Men move on faster than we do. I'd bet the church he doesn't think of you. Stay out of it.

Do a google search for his name and see if that sheds any light on his life OR talk to your mutual friend. You could also give the mutual friend a sealed card with your sentiments in it, but you don't have to sign the card.

You will have sent the message you have in your heart and he will appreciate the kind words - both of you will be blessed - you by sending and him by receiving, Tell your mutual friend to not say from whom the card came,

How would you contact him....phone, letter, Facebook? If you do, I would keep the mood light......"I was cleaning my dad's office and found pics of us from HS and they brought back so many memories. I heard a few years ago you had become a minister..so glad you were able to fulfill that dream. Hope you are doing well." You could add a few lines about your life. I would not mention the letter unless it comes up in a subsequent conversation...your contacting him to say hello demonstrates you have no ill feelings. Let us know how it turns out.

This is very timely as I have been contemplating doing the same thing for months and am on the fence.

Leave it alone! It's in the past for a reason.

Well, just to be clear, I have NO romantic feelings toward him, and I don't expect that he has any for me, nor do I want him to. I'm certainly not looking for anything like that.

I was simply thinking of reaching out like joaniepoanie said, and congratulating him on achieving something I know was very important to him. I hoped that doing that might let him know that there are no ill feelings any longer.

This post was edited by kittiemom on Thu, Aug 28, 14 at 22:03

I tend to agree that if he's married, keep your best wishes and memories to yourself. It really could be hurtful or disturbing to his wife. I know that I wouldn't be real happy if an ex-fiancee suddenly contacted my husband out of the blue.

I had a past love contact me at one time and it was very awkward and uncomfortable for me and my husband. His intentions were innocent, too.

This sort of thing is difficult for me to decide. I think we should be able to reach out and be pleasant in a platonic way, but people take all kinds of things differently than we mean because communication isn't 100% transferable. I wish you luck in your decision making process, and if you do contact him, I hope it goes as planned.

Let bygones be bygones is what I would follow.

Don't think I would contact him, but that's up to you if you just want to say hello. I would never in a million years mention "the letter" or anything about a relationship you two might have had. He probably doesn't even REMEMBER writing any letter.

yup, what redcurls said!

I was contacted last year by an "old love".... it was definitely awkward. And what's worse is he insisted that I had phoned him a few years earlier to profess my undying love for him. I have no idea who called him, but it wasn't me! :p

You never know what people remember, or what they consider important. As a minister, he may place importance on human, as well as divine, forgiveness. I think it would be nice to contact him.

Don't do it.

I agree with Lucille. I think our world could use more kindness and friendliness and fewer hard feelings and bad memories. If you ever do meet up, take your DH or son or a man-friend along with you, so if he's married, his wife won't feel threatened.

This post was edited by FlamingO_in_AR on Fri, Aug 29, 14 at 9:04

what flamingo said.

What if she addressed a letter to him and his wife, she let him know she forgives him, and then blesses their life (yes, their singular marriage) together? Would that cover it all? I think one of the things we go to the grave with are regrets, saying sorry, I love you, those things go unsaid?, those regrets. Say you're sorry. It'll be good for your heart and his mind.

Don't do it!

Men don't hang onto things like women do.....they "LET IT GO!"

Are you prepared for *every* consequence that could result for each of you?

Somehow telling a former love, "Glad you had a nice life," doesn't seem to outweigh the possible negatives. No reply or anger would be among the less difficult consequences.

I really like Joanie's suggestion and think there's no harm in contacting him, provided you keep it at that level. Keep the first contact simple and if no further communications ensue, let it lie. I don't see ANY harm in that.

I've had two different encounters with contacts from the past. I had a male friend from HS contact me. We hadn't seen each other in 10 or so years and were really good friends in high school but lost touch. He had no initial intentions of anything other than just getting back in touch but it turned out different. We've been together 25 years now.

I had another male HS acquaintance contact me via Classmates and wanted to thank me for taking the time to talk to him during HS. Seems like he thought I was the cutest girl he had ever seen and my sitting and talking with him during a basketball game provided him with confidence he used throughout his younger years. He remembered so many details of the one year we were acquaintances that it was kind of scary. But at the same time, it was heartwarming and nice to know that just being nice to someone helped them. There's something gratifying about knowing you influenced someone's life in a positive way.

"Let sleeping dogs lie" is an old saying for a reason.

What are you really feeling? Guilt that you never responded to that letter? As we get older, we do like to right the wrongs.
I do like Joanie's take on this. If you reach out on a public forum, it seems less personal and without a hidden agenda. A simple congrats that he accomplished his goal.

I agree that I would feel uncomfortable if an ex contacted my husband by phone or mail.

Are you in the same town? Is it plausible that you know how to reach him? You don't want it to seem as if you suddenly decided to stalk him.

I think even your comments are a bit melodramatic. As Joanie said, if you want to just say hello to an old friend, do so and leave it at that. Without mention of any subsequent info about him you have, that would seem creepy. I'd include something about yourself to make it clear the contact is not an overture to something more, like "I'm married and very happy, I hope you have happiness in your life too, best wishes" or something else you find appropriate.

I think the others are over-thinking the situation.

I can think of so many reasons for you NOT to do this.
I cannot think of a really good reason for you to do this.
If either of you has a spouse, what will be their reaction?
Are you willing to risk the fallout--whatever it may be?

'I think one of the things we go to the grave with are regrets'

yep.

unfinished business, kindnesses not done, thank-yous not said.

Keep it light, include best wishes to him & wife as a couple, but do it;
if you don't, you'll wonder & maybe regret.

added after preview:

I wonder what people must think both you & your friend lack in the way of logical brains & self-control that one or both of you would lose all inhibitions & go berserko over each other, even after the stormy break-up you had years ago & even in spite of your present happy lives.

There is such as thing as wishing someone the best without going all adolescent crush.

I must admit I really don't understand the POV of those who think the spouse would get all jealous if a well-wishing note came from a former GF. If one of my DH (of 31 years)'s exes sent an innocent sounding card, I wouldn't get all bent out if shape. Even if the card said, "I'm still in love with you and want to get back together" I still wouldn't be bothered because I trust my DH and am secure in my relationship with him. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't be with him, simple as that.
We still get Christmas cards from a former BF (and his wife and kids) of mine and I was matron of honour at their wedding. There's absolutely no uncomfortable feelings for any of us (frankly I think I dodged a bullet there :-) ).
So, I'd say go ahead and write something light as joaniepoanie suggested.

Not too long ago, out of the blue, an X-GF contacted my husband. I had only heard of her as being "the love of his life" that broke his heart yada yada yada. Imagine my horror when she showed up at our house.

DO NOT contact this man!

Your suggestion was mainly about a mere contact ... with a wondering about referring to his letter.

I suggest an informal, friendly contact as from a former friend, offering good wishes.

You didn't make any reference to anything like showing up unannounced at his home.

ole joyful

Sylvia -- I've seen "First Loves" instantly overwhelmed years later. It is *emotional* -- not logical -- and has nothing to do with having been being happily married for decades.

It happens at class reunions. I've seen it after adult adoptees found their birthmothers, and later, the birthfathers.

Sometimes it is about an abiding connection. It also has to do with nostalgia for one's youth.

I might be out of line and please tell me if I am but, arkansas girl, what happened when the ex showed up at your door?

â¦ducking my head and slinking away nowâ¦...

Hi ellendi, my husband told her basically to get lost in a few more words. He told her he was happily married and was not interested in reminiscing about the past. We have not heard from her since. Thank goodness!

You know, we both found it to be very disruptive. I have no idea what she really wanted and she wasn't given a chance to tell anything.

I'm trying to decipher what POV means that Colleen referred to. :D

POV-point of view.

OP never suggested surprising this guy by appearing on his doorstep;
she just wants to let him know that bygones are bygones & that she wishes him well.

I wouldn't have liked for my husband or boyfriend to talk about another woman as the 'love of his life', but that's hardly the woman's fault;
it's entirely the doing of husband!

& since he sent her packing when she showed up, my guess is that he either was remembering the past through rose-colored glasses, or he was playing a mind game with you.

Mind games are never nice, & you definitely owe your life partner more respect than to play them.

One good result here is that, if he ever again in this life starts reminiscing about the 'love of his life', you can fix him with a baleful stare & tell him to put a sock in it!

Bygones are already bygones. I just don't see the point of contacting him unless deep down you want something from him. After what? 40 years? I doubt your forgiveness means anything to him at this point because it doesn't matter. It's been over for years and you were children at the time.

I agree with Chisue. There is always "unfinished business" when it comes to past relationships that "ended badly". I also think that there is a desire to fix what went wrong or "what if" scenario here.

I just don't see the point. It is bound to bring up old hurts and old feelings, good or bad.

I got a letter a few years ago from a very long-ago boyfriend, and it just plain felt creepy and like a stalker.

Don't do it.

You did not say what your own relationship status is. If married, what does DH think?

I would not contact him. You have no idea what his marital status is. If married, she may not be the most secure person and something like this could cause problems, even though it is not your intent. You mention not only wishing him well on acheiving his goal, but to also discuss an issue with your relationship. The latter would defintely not be a good idea.

If you absolutley have to write something (as it kind of sounds like you have thought about doing this before), a congratulations on his career would most likely also show him that you harbor no ill will against him regarding your break up.