My cousin built a gorgeous in-law apartment onto his home for his parents. Then his dad developed dementia and some physical problems. My cousin was able to pay for aides to watch his dad, because after a while my aunt simply couldn't keep up with his wanderings and her health was suffering because she never had an uninterrupted night's sleep. Then Cousin had to hire physical therapists and home nurses to fully take care of his father's needs. He kept his dad at home for 5 years after the dementia (not Alzheimer's) developed. During this time, my aunt, my cousin and cousin's wife were very involved in caring for my uncle. The difference in their lives once Uncle was in a safe nursing home was dramatic and immediate. My cousin's wife had always looked tired. She never came to showers or birthday parties or just "the girls" get-togethers. Within a month, she looked 10 times better--better rested, more cheerful, able to take the time to come to small family get-togethers. My aunt looked rested and relaxed for the first time in years. My cousin seemed happier, although he felt very guilty about "putting his father in a home." Their kids were able to make a little more noise around the house, without having to be constantly shh'd for making too much noise, both inside and out. I've seen similar reactions. I always knew one good friend's grandmother as a shy, mouse-like person, always clinging to her husband's arm. Once her husband died, it was like night and day. Because she no longer had to help him walk, and stand guard so that he wouldn't make inappropriate comments, and watch that he didn't eat the wrong thing, in short, once she was free to actually live her life instead of spending 24/7 caring for her husband, she returned to the vibrant, interesting person I'm sure she was before her husband got ill. Caring for an elderly parent is hard. There is no shame in admitting that you can't do all the work yourself. No shame in deciding to do what is best for the entire family, not just one member of that family.

A good marriage is a democracy, not a dictatorship. I'm sorry to say, if your wife is making all the decisions, either without your input or in spite of your disagreement, you really don't have a marriage at all. You're in a position right now, to stand up to her and state, "Look, look where your last bad decision (allowing sister to move in) has landed us--we've all be exposed to TB, and have months of treatment ahead of us. Our lives, our children's lives could be at risk because of this. Before you make another decision that could have long-term effects on us as a family, we MUST sit down together, discuss it, and decide what is the best for us and our children." There is NO WAY I'd allow anyone to move in for free--even a family member (mind you, my dd, once she was out of school, working, and still living home, paid us rent--it's how you teach people to be responsible rather than encouraging them to freeload). If her parents do move in, it should only be if they are willing to follow YOUR house rules and pay some amount of rent and board. It's not your responsibility to support your wife's entire family. But honestly? Your relationship sounds rather disfunctional, and I'm not really sure you can put your foot down, nor that your wife will pay you any attention, even if you do. It might help to have some sessions with a really good marriage counselor--at least then, you'll know you've done all you can to fix the marriage. But if I were you? I'd be starting to squirrel some extra money away where my wife couldn't find it, so I could get out if that became necessary. Good luck--I think you have a tough row to hoe there

Lone, I had the same reaction...I just forgot to post. So thank you for reminding me. Once someone has seen a hungry, appreciative child... it's hard to forget. PO1, again... I don't spoil my child. My parents, who were uber-poor to the point of making me give away the few toys I had to kids who had less... accuse me of being too hard on her, of not giving her enough. You cannot tell me you've never had an issue with your child where you had to explain the way things are, and why. When your child does not understand, by lack of experience, that others are not as fortunate? I don't buy nice things. I rarely buy myself things and I've only taken DD to buy clothes twice in her life. She wears hand me downs. She could care less what she is wearing and I had to force her to the mall to buy new pants this last weekend because she outgrew her old stuff. Kids need computers these days in order to be competitive. DD's computer was purchased for $100 and revamped by my husband. She has a flat screen, bought at an office going out of business sale for $25. That is not expensive. I feel like you don't listen at all. I don't think anyone here is saying they spoil their children. I try very hard not to spoil my child. Especially since I grew up with nothing. And by nothing, I mean I got my clothes from the free bin. I went barefoot. I had a great education and absolutely no material possessions. Let me tell you, there are many ways to raise a child and purposeful deprivation does not work any more than spoiling does. Have you ever seen the garbage pickers? In India? I showed DD a YouTube of them tonight because I wanted her to understand that school is a priviledge. Did you know that they work for a "few rupees" a day? Do you know how much a rupee is?????? 0.07 USD. F-me. I was bawling my eyes out. DD GOT IT. This is the kind of thing I'm posting for. Ideas of how to help our children realize more about the world around them. I tend to be harsher than necessary. I can't help it, my parents had no boundaries between adult/child. I want my child to have the opportunity to be a kid, but I'm conflicted because I never experienced that and at her age already knew way too much. So I ask for help. Not flippant condencension. I work for my money too PO1. I worked hard for my education and I continue to work. I have been working since I was a small child. Your assumptions are so incredibly insulting to me I can't begin to explain how your ahhaahahhaa's make me feel. This is real. I am trying to raise a little being to the best of my ability. I know I don't get it right. Who does?? Many only get one chance. I know I do. I get a full chance at DD and a hope for a slight influence with SD; who is spoiled and materialistic beyond my wildest dreams. And yet crushing their little souls won't work. Insulting them won't work. I want them to see light. I want them to realize how fortunate they are without seeing that little boy with no shoes tipping his little face up to say "milk!" and grabbing the jug and RUNNING like his little life depends on it back to the house EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES SYLVIA (darn you anyway!! :) Does that make sense? I don't want to sear the horrific knowledge I have onto her little brain. I had that done to me. I want her to have a childhood. I am conflicted.

i'm glad there wasn't a scene for you to deal with on christmas eve! i have a few thoughts for you... christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of a certain baby, who was sent to give the world a second chance. why? love. so christmas is really about love, whether or not you believe in that baby that was born in bethlehem. that's why we give presents to people we love--to show them that we love them. sure, it's a consumer thing nowadays. but say you'd lived back on the american frontier and had NOTHING to spare but a few scraps of fabric, think of all the time you'd have spent secretly sewing that fabric into dolls or whatever for your children. THAT is the true spirit of christmas, which is why i say you shouldn't cave today or tomorrow, and get her something for christmas anyway. give her a hug, and tell her you want to bake some cookies--or do any activity you can with her where you have time to talk to her. (if you're doing something, she'll be less likely to leave, but it'll also take some of the direct focus off the difficult things you need to say.) tell her you love her, but that her behavior was unacceptable. set a ground rule now and KEEP IT. tell her that christmas is about love, not about manipulating her birth mother into getting her what she wanted AND doing it in such a way that she just knew her mom would come over and throw it in your face. i bet you made her birth mom mad when you mentioned money because she didn't think about whether she could afford the stereo--she was probably told a version of the story calculated to make her so mad at how her daughter is being "mistreated" that she would act before thinking everything through. i don't think this means your daughter is particularly "bad" or anything, but i do think such behavior is likely to continue now that she's seen that it works. that is why you need to stick to what she said and not get her anything. teach her that she cannot issue ultimatums because SHE is NOT the one in charge here. she is still legally a child, and, well, she's behaving like one. i think it's very important that you connect these things verbally for her. tell her straight out--but try to do it gently so that she'll listen--that her behavior caused this whole situation, and her behavior is the reason she is not getting anything from you for christmas. she might not care much for the example, but tell her about one of the origins of the myth of santa claus, about the orphanage children in germany (?--i think) who were so happy to find oranges and nuts in their stockings on christmas morning because they were so poor that fresh fruit was a luxury. you need to teach her that kindness and love are the reasons we give presents at christmas, NOT to pacify a selfish little girl who knows how to make trouble. and when she says "well, if you loved me, then you'd give me something," then you say, "it's because i love you that i'm making sure you learn this lesson. you will not be able to get along with others throughout your life until you learn what sorts of behavior are acceptable." the goal is to make her understand that she caused a lot of bad feelings in your family just to get a stupid little stereo. if you do it right, that stereo will give her a sinking feeling every time she looks at it for a long time. you have to make her see that manipulation is not acceptable, nor are ultimatums. it's a hard lesson to teach her, but if you succeed, you'll be very thankful when she's older that she isn't the legendary witch of the family! also, i think you need to get with birth mother and talk about this if it's at all possible. tell her that you don't like the way the girl manipulated everyone, and that you want to get together and set some ground rules for behavior. she probably won't like hearing you say that her daughter manipulated her, so if you can say it kindly the first time, that would help. but make sure she knows that the girl DID manipulate her. this is not about finances, though it's a good time for both of you to talk to your daughter about that, too. if she's old enough to play you all off against each other, then she's old enough to understand "we can't afford it." you three parents are all going to have to be mature enough to block her when she tries to play you off against one another, and that means making sure that birth mom checks out the stories she hears before she goes out in a rage and does exactly what princess wants. in order to do that, you three will have to be on good speaking terms. it might help to say that you want to do what's best for the daughter in the long run, though it might mean being deprived of a monster stereo in the meantime. she'd have survived a lesser model just fine, and if her attitude had been better, you could have suggested that she could upgrade to a better stereo in a few years. one last thing--if her behavior improves, you should reward her somehow, but try to do it in a way that doesn't directly involve money. instead of taking her to the mall for a new outfit, tell her she can invite a few friends over for a slumber party--or "movie night" if she's too cool for slumber parties. ;) you'll spot them for movies, brownies and popcorn, and let them have fun. sure, you'll have to flash some cash to pull that off, but in the end, it's more about the activity with the other girls then about what they got. after all, the movie goes back (don't buy her a movie for this!), and they ate the food. oh, and she also gets to help clean up afterward, but try to minimize that, though don't let her get out of it. sorry this was so long--i'm up with a sore throat and can't sleep! i hope something in there is helpful to you. :)