It is so sad that people can find ways to harass other people. I feel badly for your friend and her situation. I hope and pray that things work out for her very soon.

Shirley

Could she document what he is doing and go for a harassment conviction? Maybe by writing everything down, time, what he says, etc it would help.
Could she counter sue and how much is his current spouse contributing to the harassment? How old are the children and could they talk to a judge/attorney specializing in these matters. All you can do is listen and give her moral support.

She does document, but knows that her ex would love nothing more than for her to "declare war" against him. He has significantly more assets than she does and loves to drive up her attorney's costs whenever he can.

In fact, she said that she always anticipates he'll start his next round of legalities when he has estimated that she's finally paid off (or is getting close to paying off) her attorney's bills for the last round. It's like clock-work. You can bet that his current wife eggs him on -- after all, she fully participated in destroying my friend's marriage and wants to make sure her husband doesn't become nostalgic for his ex (little chance of that considering that sociopaths don't feel guilt, empathy, or love).

The children are old enough to speak to the judge, but since they don't see any of this (she NEVER badmouths their Dad to them) and because they love their Dad, they wouldn't say that they don't want to see him. They are, however, picking up on their own that Dad isn't "all that". He's made promises to come to their game or take them somewhere but fails to follow through. Slowly, but surely, they're getting the message.

Her goal at this point is just to skate under the radar as much as she can until the youngest turns 18 in six more years...

It's tough taking the high road, but your friend is so right in doing that. She would get nowhere by escalating things. Good for her.

My brother has an ex-wife that drags him to court for things that aren't true too and it bugs him no end because he has to pay to defend himself even though there is no merit to her accusations.

I don't think there is much you can do about a "tool" like that, but to thank God that you are rid of him and to know that yes, the kids are not blind to what goes on and they will see him for who he really is.

It still sucks, but she is right to do things as she is. It is too bad that you can't tell her what a jerk he is, but at least you know the truth!

But if you can post it here in public place, can't she find it here? Maybe you should edit anything which "might" get you in trouble?

I have to think the only reason I am not going through this sort of thing (to this extent) is because he doesn't have the money. But I really really understand where she's coming from. Pain in the rear guy who is projecting his bad behavior onto her. All while she plays as nicely as she can, and taking the high road. I'm right there with her.

Your friend should marry a divorce lawyer. LOL

Sorry you can't clue her in, she'd be thrilled, but hopefully his transgressions will bite him in the butt and maybe it'll slow down this doofus and make him spend all his time and energy getting it all taken care of.

6 more years? I bet she's hoping that time flies!

Rob -- I don't think there's anything in my post that would allow anyone to know who I'm talking about. However, if you see any identifying info or phrases that would make it easy to tease out identifying info, please let me know and I'll edit it out.

Hummmm, if I were your office, in the interests of the child, I would write to the primary custodial parent and request the information the non-custodial parent has failed to provide.

I don't see anything. But I just want you to be sure they can't "figure it out"? Glad you're ok with it! It's so hard to judge this stuff while you're in the middle of it. Been there/done that! Got a Facebook account a bit after divorcing and still haven't posted anything because I kept saying, could this be misconstrued? HA! I've only been divorced five years now. Should be ok?

;)

Jewel, stand strong and don't share the information. I realize how satisfying it would be, but she already knows he's a creep. What a miserable experience she's having. I feel sorry for her and for the kids. It's all so unfortunate--excessive and unnecessary legal bills, kids caught in the middle.

Rob--my opinion--forget Facebook. Nothing to be gained there.

Facebook is too useful when trying to find friends and family to forget it. Some people post updates for things like hospitalization info there so that it only needs to be stated one time, rather than 10 lengthy phone calls which wears out the family member there who is helping. Works pretty well for that.

What do you suppose he and his friends would say about her?

You need information from both sides to begin to understand the situation. You're halfway there, too soon to draw any conclusions.

Isn't there anything in the legal world that can punish him financially for filing what turn out to be frivolous cases? Esp if she's documenting what she believes to be the truth?

He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This situation is so common with people like this.

My sister's SIL has been divorced from one. He's just a sick piece of work who has conned an elderly man into signing over his house, stolen a Rolex from a patient, there are suspicions of insurance fraud, etc. He bribed their kids with things to lie in court about her. I've heard he claims to find a hair in his food at restaurants so he can get his meal free. No conscience, and he's influencing his kids in the worst way.

My best friend had the exact situation happen with her as your friend, and her ex still enjoys inflicting emotional damage on her. I've looked up info on the internet and found an interesting information on a site by a Sam Vaknin.

I read something about how to turn the tables on a narcissist without him even realize what you're doing. Can't recall if it was a book, an e-book or an article, but I've read a lot about these people. They project what they've done onto others, will never admit fault, and enjoy inflicting trauma onto others, and are paranoid others are doing the same to them.

Maybe, if she reads more about it, she can find other ways to cope.

Best wishes!

Yes, can't your office send her a letter requesting the info and include the attempts made to get the info from tool. He would not be able to dispute your documented attempts and it would give her some ammunition....not to mention getting the the info you actually need.

Here's what I'll never understand.....HE had the affair, HE moved on, HE remarried. HE got what HE wanted.....why isn't that ever enough for these people?!! If anyone has a right to sociopathic behavior it's HER! Kudos to her for taking the high road....the kids will figure it out eventually and it will change their relationship with him.

"What do you suppose he and his friends would say about her? You need information from both sides to begin to understand the situation. You're halfway there, too soon to draw any conclusions."

Actions speak louder than words, Snidely. I've had years to observe her actions in a variety of situations as well as his. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are believe them." I believe him and am very comfortable in my assessment of the situation.

This post was edited by Jewel654 on Mon, Aug 25, 14 at 23:01

You narrative is full of the same angry and subjective comments that I'd bet your dear friend uses. I'm also sure that being your dear friend's dear friend, you yourself probably wouldn't have insight, access or sympathy in any event for the ex-husband's perspective.

Words can be wrong and/or insincere, so too can be actions. I'm not much of a believer in acid tests and I don't find much wisdom in that quote (I'm not a fan of Angelou). What my experiences tell me is that people who are convinced they have someone figured out, and who then make judgements based on limited insights, are often making wrong judgements.

You could be right, you know one of the parties very well. But maybe not.

I'll put my trust in Jewel's assessment, for what it's worth. She's known both parties and seen the fall out every year. She's seen the vindictive behavior of the XH and how her friend has had to pay thru the nose to deal with his childishness. And through her job, she's privy to insider information that she has wisely NOT passed along to her friend, even though it would give that friend some sense of relief and satisfaction and possibly even legal grounds for some other action. Her friend isn't the one under investigation by her office, the MAN is and he isn't cooperating, to the detriment of his child. That says a lot to me and apparently, to the people in her office, too, since they're going to be taking some kind of action.

It's all fine and good to play devil's advocate, but it's kind of silly to argue that SHE doesn't know when obviously, she's immersed in it. I think it's safe to say that Jewel is a person capable of identifying a sleazeball (my word, not hers) without too much trouble.

And I always have to laugh- no matter what the post is about, some people just have to be the nay-sayer, even when they have less information to go on than the OP, who made the original statement. It's getting to where no one will even dare to say "wow, the sky is blue here today!" because someone else will come in and argue it with them. Sheesh.

snidely, it is perfectly possible that he is as awful as is being described. I've seen relationships where "she" is as awful as described. There are typically two sides, you're correct. But when when a person who is afficted with NPD (I agree, that he sounds like he is), you won't hear any truth about what they contribute to the problems. It's all about projection, deflection, and blame on the other person.

I'm not sure why you're being so judgemental about something that you too haven't seen up close and personal. Pot call the kettle black much?

I think the ex-husband's actions speak for themselves. A normal person does not fabricate lies and cause frivolous lawsuits just to be hurtful. How and why would you defend someone like that??

She needs to speak to her attorney. Or another. Or another. Find out if she can counter sue for costs if they find in her favor, or nothing changes.

It infuriates me when this happens. Whether it's the husband or the wife doing it. Such venom and hate.

I hope she can hang in there and not stoop to his level. All I can hope for her is that she will realize, bad karma baby. You can't do things like this and never have it come back on you. When all you put out is bad, all that comes back is bad.

Jewel seems like a pretty smart, fair person, and while I agree that "it takes two," I believe she's correct in her evaluation of this sad situation.

Snidely always likes to present a different perspective on things.

The only advice I can offer is for you to continue being her friend and offer a sympathetic ear. Do not get yourself involved in their legal/family issues. This is the fastest way to lose a friend. While you might provide some information that might prove helpful in some way, you would be amazed at how saying ONE thing could destroy your friendship. You need to figure out if you value your friendship with her enough to stay out of this.

The children will learn by example. If your friend is raising them to be kind, caring individuals, the actions of their father should have no impact. I believe this is her goal, since you indicated she doesn't speak negatively of her ex.

While it is difficult, my personal recommendation would be for her to weather the storm. There is nothing to be gained by trying to "get revenge" or "pay him back". The best thing for her to do is continue living her life, caring for her children in the best way she can while jumping over the hurdles put in her path. There will be a day when all this goes away. She just needs to keep her chin up and swim up stream.