Samkaren good for you! You're a big girl and can make your own decisions and for that I applaud you. As long as you are happy is all that matters.

It's 2014 and a much different world as far as relationships go. Couplings that 15-20 years ago would be unthinkable to me have become the norm in our society or at least in my world. I have many people around me, myself included, that have dabbled in arrangements that are pretty unusual.

Yep.

When I was about 14, I wanted to get my ears pierced, only you had to have a parent's signature.

When I approached my mother with this entirely reasonable request, she nearly passed out.

She said only tramps & white trash had pierced ears.

When I asked my mother about getting my ears pierced ....she said if God
wanted you to have pierced ears you would have been born with them.

Wow just about the time I think I'll introduce myself and join the " old biddy" group I come across this post. I'm backing away from this" table" after reading some of the most vicious , hate comments I've ever encountered from this group! May your lives all continue to me perfect and give you all the right to judge! I'm out of here,hoping other new posters read this post before they wade in.

Justplaincountry,

Come over to the biddy thread and introduce yourself. We're not all alike. People in groups in general are not fungible.

Be all you can be. Be a GWOB.

For those that are so offended by SK's lifestyle, why do you keep coming back to read more and make comments? Living vicariously maybe???
;~)

Ladies and Gents.....it is NOT my lifestyle!!!! I just happen to be separated and not divorced. I'm dating a guy that has the worst work schedule ever and I just happen to have a friend that we both enjoy each others company (YES in bed too)!!!!!! And just so you know my husband does date as well and I am happy for him!

So is it so wrong for me to go to Match to find someone who might want to go out once in a while and maybe...just MAYBE. fall in love with ME?

I think not!!!!1

But everyone of my friends here know that! Thank you to those who understand what I am about.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

SK - I hope you find what you are looking for. Also, maybe you should join the gym. There's lots of good looking guys at my gym and if I was looking, I'd consider trying there. They are all different ages and not all are the muscular into themselves guys. Some are there not only to work out but also to meet women. Trust me, I've seen it happen. On the plus side, you would get fit and would likely meet other female friends. I've met lots of my friends at the gym. For me it was female but if I had a boyfriend, it would get much more complicated for me with my DH. LOL. Anyway, I'm not trying to be snarky. I"m being sincere that sometimes you can meet a good guy at the gym.

Please come back and post about your life. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Thanks, justplaincountry. I was excoriated over a different topic (spoiled and unfeeling daughters in law) and I won't post again and be attacked.

Ladies and Gents.....it is NOT my lifestyle!!!! I just happen to be separated and not divorced. I'm dating a guy that has the worst work schedule ever and I just happen to have a friend that we both enjoy each others company (YES in bed too)!!!!!! And just so you know my husband does date as well and I am happy for him!
So is it so wrong for me to go to Match to find someone who might want to go out once in a while and maybe...just MAYBE. fall in love with ME?

I think not!!!!1

But everyone of my friends here know that! Thank you to those who understand what I am about.

SamKaren
your resident DJ
Perfect !

Kudos to SK.

Just be the best that you can be!

SK, I haven't chimed in here. Your choices are choices that some would make, some would not. From my standpoint, I can't imagine myself sleeping with 3 (4?) men concurrently (boyfriend, FWB, and someone I meet on Match; I'm thinking that you're probably not sleeping with your estranged husband).

But that's me. Only you can decide what works in your life and feels good to you; it sounds that you're doing that. I wish you the best as you seek what you're looking for.

Suzieque

SK, you sound like a very nice sweet person. Do what you want to do and what is comfortable for you. Be happy.

To Plaincountry-------your sentiments are exactly why I do not post on this forum. A coffee neighbor of mine introduced me to this forum when she was a Lurker and they were doing the same ol' thing as now, kicking someone around when they were down. Ugh! Going back to Lurkerville.

This post was edited by thistledew5750 on Wed, Aug 13, 14 at 22:28

SK, you sound like a very nice sweet person. Do what you want to do and what is comfortable for you. Be happy.

To Plaincountry-------your sentiments are exactly why I do not post on this forum. A coffee neighbor of mine introduced me to this forum when she was a Lurker and they were doing the same ol' thing as now, kicking someone around when they were down. Ugh! Going back to Lurkerville.

SK, you sound like a very nice sweet person. Do what you want to do and what is comfortable for you. Be happy.

To Plaincountry-------your sentiments are exactly why I do not post on this forum. A coffee neighbor of mine introduced me to this forum when she was a Lurker and they were doing the same ol' thing as now, kicking someone around when they were down. Ugh! Going back to Lurkerville.

I swore I was staying out of this, and I am...as far as SamKaren's life goes, it's her business.

My question is this: Why, if you agree with someone are you a kind hearted, loving person? But if you disagree with their choices/lifestyle, you are an *sshole? The people calling other people judgmental are the REAL judgers!! (both ways)

A person doesn't have to agree with everyone to be compassionate and caring! If we all had the same mindset this would be a pretty boring world!

Not choosing a certain lifestyle for yourself is one thing;
blasting someone else for *her* lifestyle, condemning, judging, criticizing, conjecturing about her psychological health, recommending a vibrator, etc is not 'disagreeing'.

It's being an *sshole.

This has been an interesting thread, to say the least.

I have gotten to "know" SamKaren through her posts. If I am correct, she has always struggled with being social. Men aside, it is very difficult to make girlfriends when you are an adult.

If you have raised children, you may still have some of the friends you have made while they were growing up. But, how many of us has made a new friend in the past few years?

SamKaren, you have the perfect opportunity to approach potential friends. You are new to the area, so it is not unusual to not have friends. You might be able to cultivate friendships from work, but I would tread lightly there. It would be awkward working with someone if a friendship doesn't work out.

I think you need to concentrate on finding outside interests.
I think Match.com can work as I know a few people who have met their spouses on that site. But, I think this will just complicate your life right now.

Sylvia.....and others who are cheering SK on.....

If YOUR daughter had a husband (albeit separated), a BF, a FWB and was now looking for men on Match.com, would you really be saying "you go girl!".......I doubt it!!

And if SK were to go on Dr. Phil with this I can just hear him saying "what the he!! are you thinking?"

That being said, I think we all agree SK can do whatever she wants......I think most of us just wanted her to take a step back and slow down and not seem so desperate to have men in her life.

Just because some are questioning her choices, it does not make us "a$$holes." Juellie said it perfectly.

There is a big difference between giving kindly advice and calling someone names. If people had politely offered differing opinions, suggestions, etc. I doubt this thread would have blown up. Instead, labels like adulteress were thrown out, OP accused of breaking sacred vows, criticism, sarcasm, and judgement were offered with the only excuse being that she opened herself up to it by posting.

Many responses were kind even if the poster did disagree and those aren't the one that made people upset. It's the ones that were unnecessarily mean and judgemental while expressing their differing opinions.

And I don't think anyone believes that everyone who posted just wants the best for SK. Some, sure, but not all. I think some won't be happy till she has a scarlet "A" attached to her clothing.

Just like everyone here, like me, like you, SK is a grown person, & it would be extremely inappropriate as well as invasive to try to put her into a "if she were my daughter" box.

She isn't.

She didn't ask for motherly advice.

She also isn't likely to appear on "Dr Phil", & to conjecture that she would, as well as to conjecture what Dr Phil would say, is likewise overstepping & intrusive.

It's insulting as well as worthless.

"Questioning" isn't what's been going on here, & neither is maternal concern;
it's been a piling-on, a witch-hunt, a disgusting display of female beechiness, ugliness, & mob mentality.

just like when old biddies gang up & peck the smallest chick, or the one that's brown when all the others are yellow, to death.

ugly, vicious, & disgusting.

& they enjoy every minute of it.

This post was edited by sylviatexas on Thu, Aug 14, 14 at 11:18

in my mind: "respond, no don't respond, respond, no don't respond".....LOL, nope, not gonna respond.

Sylvia.....I didn't say SK WOULD go on Dr. Phil for heaven's sake....I said IF she WERE to go on...and yes, I think he would say something like that...I've seen shows where he has done just that.

OK....substitute Daughter for Best Friend....would you cheer on your best friend who was juggling 3+ men in her life?

I think there has been genuine concern here. I think we all want the best for each other, even if maybe we don't word it in the best way.

If I were someone's best friend, I hope I'd have enough sense & respect to keep my nose out of her bedroom.

She invited people into her bedroom ...

"If I were someone's best friend, I hope I'd have enough sense & respect to keep my nose out of her bedroom."

You should also hope that she would have the sense to not post daily details on her Facebook page. I think that's what's lacking here.

I think it's deliberate, an unhappy person trying to attract attention from an audience of grandmas. It's sad.

If it were my daughter or my best friend and they were asking for my advice I would not hesitate to give it, but I would NOT do in the manner that some on here have. I was disgusted by many of the comments and I have a feeling that some who posted the comments here would not do the same to their loved ones. I think the manner in which you would do it would be much more respectful, certainly not name calling.

omg...sk you're one of few women who is lucky enough to have an X-dh that is still friendly...my dd2's x is horrid...and if it weren't for the kids, she'd never see or hear from him again..

what I can't imagine knowing where you work and not finding friends to go out to dinner ect, with...and do you really need another friend or could you do like my mother did and went on trips she always wanted to do, on tours?

Now, there, ya see, you're still doing it.

""She invited people into her bedroom ...

nope, you barged in when she said she'd been busy & yet she wanted some romance & mentioned in passing that she had 3 men in her life & hadn't had time with any of them lately.

She did *not* ask for a critique of her lifestyle, much less opinions about what goes on in her intimate or sexual life.

I've known samkaren for many years through the Kitchen Table, & never have I thought she's an "unhappy person trying to attract attention".

& if I did, I wouldn't post that on the forum;
doing so would have made me...what?
a snotty person looking down my nose at someone else?

definitely not a person who was just good-heartedly trying to offer well-intended advice to someone I liked.

As for the claim that it's all done from the goodness of the hearts of the posters, the same as they would say to a loved one of their own, let me quote matti:

"I was disgusted by many of the comments and I have a feeling that some who posted the comments here would not do the same to their loved ones."

If advice really is given (*after* it's been requested!) out of a good heart, the first criterion is that the person giving it not hurt the person who asked for advice.

The mud-slinging & ganging-up on this thread is blatant & ill-intentioned.

It's meant to strike a pose of moral superiority at the expense of hurting someone who's never hurt anybody here.

Sylvia,

I believe this is the word you are looking for......

ar÷ro÷gance
noun \ÃÂer-ÃÂ-gÃÂn(t)s, ÃÂa-rÃÂ-\

: an insulting way of thinking or behaving that comes from believing that you are better, smarter, or more important than other people
Full Definition of ARROGANCE
: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions.

At least that's the word that keeps coming to my mind as I am reading some of these responses.

You have a very good vocabulary, Magic! Thanks!

Sometimes, positions become so adversarial that it is difficult to take a second look, reconsider, and change.
Here is more vocabulary: Redemption

As in,for anyone who feels they might want to reconsider what they have said here "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings SamKaren. I want you here and I want you happy. Can we start over and talk, and understand each other, and support each other even if we disagree?"

LOL! I'll bet this is giving that "other" forum a good time.

The use of the word "redemption" sounds a little religious to me. Bet that "other" forum has their ears glued to the wall on this thread.

ekk i didn't read most of the responses after awhile LOL I just want to jump in and say I look forward to your updates! I have not had time much this yr to look in at the KT, or much last yr for that matter but I do I always look for your posts.

Considering that your life has completely changed in a relatively short period of time you seem to be doing awesome! I think you are still finding your way in this new style of life people lead now (damn that makes me sound old LOL ;-)). I admire the fact you recognized you needed to make a change, you figured out what you wanted and you went out acted on it AND accomplished what you wanted!!! I used to be more adaptable to big changes in my 20's (I thrived on them) and I'm trying real hard now to get back to that.

Thanks to someone wayy up at the top for the suggestion of Craigslist friends I didn't know about that and will look into finding local friends! ~ liz

ps yea ginger is back!

I'll remember to bring up this thread the next time
someone pompously says:
"If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say
anything at all."
If I see that spouted here one more time I think
I'll be ill.
SK, I wish you the best of luck in finding what you're
looking for.

i dont know if i want to cry over the joy i feel for my true friends here or the hurtful things said by those who dont know me. either way im just spending another weekend alone.

Just remember alone doesn't have to equal lonely. You can be very good company for yourself - who could be more interesting. Kiddo, it may not be what you thought you wanted for yourself, but life has lots of phases and if you are healthy, it's all good ;)

Ditto what Morz8 said! Plus it's better to be alone than to be with the wrong person.

SK have you thought about volunteering? I do alot of volunteer work and have met some wonderful people. I know you love cats, so how about spending a few hours a weekend at a shelter?

Matti I have been thinking about doing that. I need to do something to get out of this funk I feel I am in.

So I was honest with boyfriend last night. since we couldn't see each other (again) I told him that I was going to Match to see if I could find someone who would like to hang out and maybe go bowling or something. His comment was "good luck with your search". Feel like crap but I will not spend the rest of my life waiting around for him to decide if he can spare the time to see me. I'm better then that! But I am sure I will now get blasted for being honest with him.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

SamKaren, let's be honest. What you were hoping for was your BF to come to his senses and turn things around. I think you need to read the book, "He's Just not That in to You."

I am wondering too, if after his infatuation wore off, he is not interested on sharing you with other men. Although accepting at first, this may have become a turn off and you are no longer a priority. He has now made his feelings clear, no doubt about it.

You should not be sitting home the entire weekend. Start looking in to things you can join. Food pantry, is there a local bowling club, a lunch bunch, where singles meet for lunch? Don't forget too, that making friends with other women often leads to more of a social life and possibly men.
You like cats. Is there a cat club? Volunteer at a shelter?

Are there young people in your building? If you are basically shy, it's hard to put yourself out there, but try to strike up conversations so you get to know who your neighbors are. This could lead to one friend in your building.

The truth is, some of us have to work really hard to have a social life. Others are magnets and are included in more things than they can handle.

I remember years ago when my youngest was in grade school. She realized that she needed to make friends and so we went through her class list and arranged play dates. It was interesting that no one refused, yet these same girls just didn't think to invite her first. Things greatly improved when she realized she didn't have to sit back and wait for things to happen.

SamKaren, you are still relatively new to your area. Conversation can start with where is the cheapest dry cleaner, or the best Chinese food etc.

Don't give the negatives here any thought. When you come here, it is what often happens. I have asked advise here and was shocked at how many people took the opposite view. I thought I was clearly right and came to vent! Yet, if so many agreed, it was time for me to see things differently. Some come across in a mean way, or one person couldn't understand why I posted the problem at all!

Nothing should be insignificant. Again, for those of you offended by whatSamKaren might post, do not open them!

We are not just about photos, recipes and talking about the weather!

Have you tried Meetup.com~~~you can find like minded people. People that want to get together for a movie and dinner, bowling~~hiking, running, knitting. I went on looking for Spiitual healers in my area~~ I get messages from MeetUp all the time. I am amazed at the groups folks form. So far none of them are not in my area, I guess I could start one.

Stop looking for someone and live your life, do what you love to do and that is where you will find someone. I met my husband of 35 years at a fund raiser picnic;)

My younger DD read 'He's Just Not That Into You' and swears by it, she has given my DGD two copies. DD kept dating the wrong guys and wasting time trying to make it work, broke up with them and 'always' went back with them and ended up leaving them in the end for the same reasons as the first break up. I sat her down and told her what I was seeing and did she not realize the mistake she kept making? Quit going back to them!! I told her she needed to weed these guys out faster and quit wasting her time~~~the red flags are there, very early on. You can not fix a person or change a person, just move on! She quit dating for a year, met a wonderful fellow teacher at her school and they have been together for 4 years now.He is the best man she has ever dated~~~he came along when she was not wanting to date or looking for anyone ;)

Just enjoy your life, a happy SK is going to attract a happy man~

Agreed on "He's Just Not That Into You." It's harsh but it's the reality. For many years, I kept finding men that were almost just right. I tried desperately to get them to like me as much as I liked them, and there were always excuses, and it was obvious (especially in hindsight) that I just wasn't a priority. I kept thinking that something would change in time and they would see me differently and see how perfect we were together. If I was just patient enough, and gave him enough time and space.

It wasn't till I met my future DH that I saw the difference. Immediately, he would call me when he said he would. After each of our dates, he would set up the next one. We would set up a date well in advance instead of a last minute, nothing better to do type of thing that I was used to.

So yes, you will have to kiss a lot of frogs. I've done a LOT of online dating, and my advice would be to go out with a lot of different people, but once you hit 3+ dates with the same one, to make it exclusive. Even if you don't want something super serious, I've found the initial relationship tone usually sets the tone for the whole thing so it's good to take it seriously. I was dating a few guys when I met DH (just early stages - the vast majority of online dates will fizzle out) and broke it off with them after the second date with him as I knew it was different.

Good luck. And it's always better to be honest!

SamKaren, I'm so glad you finally talked honestly with your BF about this. I'm sorry that it didn't work out for the two of you, but at least you won't be wasting your time any longer.

I think YogaLady had good advice, "Stop looking for someone and live your life, do what you love to do and that is where you will find someone."

Maybe taking a short break from dating/looking for someone would help. Like some of the others have said, get involved in some things that you enjoy. Volunteer somewhere or take some sort of class.

I also second YogaLady on Meetup.com. I've actually considered joining groups that share interests of mine, but don't seem to have time right now. That would help you meet new friends and find things to fill up your time. And you never know who you might meet. Good luck.

Put me in the group who support SK, I pity the people with closed minds and feel it's okay to throw stones. I've never seen such mean spiritedness and hope never to see it again in this forum. Long time member and I find SamKaron to be an upstanding, truthful and forthright person catching up with her friends here who are interested in her happiness. Her reaction is one that many may not have been able to muster, she reacted with dignity, it's a good lesson to learn. SK continue to succeed in your life , your friends are easy to spot now. Good luck.

Yayagal
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you and the others here whom I consider my true friends. yes I did tell BF that I was going to match and he was a little mad at first. But after talking with him he understood my reasons and said that he was sorry and I shouldn't stay home every weekend because of his crazy schedule.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

SK, i feel so strongly for you, don't let empty words have any effect on your outlook. keep your eye on the prize and make it happen, my brother just met a wonderful woman on match and we're all overjoyed. pardon my typing, broke my wrist this week.

SK - I'm staying out of this.
Just dodge the flack.
You live your life, girl.
Not one person, on this forum has any say in your life.
Good luck on Match.com.
It's a good spot.

Sk, glad you talked with BF, but given his response it doesn't sound as if he is planning on making more time for you. You deserve so much more! I am glad you are going to continue with Match. As I mentioned in a previous post, it is better to be alone, than to be with the wrong person.

I have known several people who have been successful with Match. Although my nephew was not so at first, only because he came across as too desperate. It took several dates and some tough feedback, but worked on himself a bit and is now in a great relationship through a different dating site.

Hugs!

To quote Robin Williams:
"It is better to be alone than to be with a bunch of people who make you feel alone."

Looks like you've started making strides in looking at yourself from a positive position and realizing that you're worth a heck of a lot more than you've been credited with by people you have allowed to make that decision for you..