steve2ski, I liked your post deerslayer, "The subject may be a bit off-topic but I find it more interesting than another "I have a $1,500 budget, which tractor should I buy" thread." Amen to that brother! lkbum, Jenn and I just arrived at our lakehouse. It's been 6 weeks since we have visited and while I wasn't thrilled to drive tonight I'm sure happy we're here! The ride accross the lake was amazing with the moonlight reflecting off the water, the stars bright and wisps of fog curling around the running lights as we skimmed over the water. Tomorrow we'll wake up and have coffee, blueberry pancakes, bacon, juice and some fresh garden tomatoe slices while sitting out on our deck in what should be a sunny morning. Want to come over for breakfast? :^)

My advice is for you to ask him about it. Have you sat down with him and had that serious discussion with him?

While at the doctors office I talked with my husband and explained how I was feeling about tonight and his leaving. He was at first a little upset- I think more out of frustration and feeling conflicted. After a few minutes he called himself an inconsiderate bad name which I corrected. I just told him he wasn't thinking through the whole situation. We ended up waiting a little longer for the doc than I usually do and my husband came back to being himself and then read Green Eggs and Ham to me ...yes, out loud in the waiting room :) There's just something about a loved one reading Dr. Suess to make things feel ok. I am now on the good drugs again(the wonderful doctor made up for his taking a little longer by giving me a new script and a referral for a fertility specialist) We came home a little bit ago. I'm going to take a little nap now that the drugs are kicking in and the boys went to the park for a little while to fly a kite. They are then coming home to cook dinner. My step son wanted to make dinner tonight. For those who were wondering, he is ten. I told my husband that I didn't mind them wanting to do something for a little while, I just didn't want them gone all night. He changed their plans to the kite flying (and the weather is perfect for it). I feel much better about the whole situation and am thankful for all of your support and advise. As you can all relate, things get crazy in this step family world. I count myself lucky for my health (even with this set back) and that my husband 'got it' this time. I have to admit, he really tries. He just needs a good kick sometimes. Thank you for your advise and support. I used some of the things you all said when I talked to him. I think that helped. I also appreciate all the well wishes.

Lots to answer, so here goes - ~I can totally agree that 4 homes do not provide what you would think of as stability, unless of course those 4 all stuck to a similar parenting style and A__ had the same expectations at each. Since we all know what isn't the case I think it can be agreed that shuffling back and forth is not stable, no matter how long it's been going on. I know before SD's mom/family and our family agreed on some common rules and expectations it was hard on SD to remember how to behave in just 2 homes. His ADHD only makes this more important, IMO. I agree that we shouldn't judge, who are we to say what is stable blah blah blah, but when it all comes down to it 4 different homes/sets of styles it not the way to raise a child. Sorry, but it just isn't. I've never agreed with him being dumped off on g-ma all the time, but that's just me. She already raised her kids - mom needs to step to the plate and quit having her mom to her job. ~I think it is a great thing that BM doesn't involve A__ in her love life. SD'd mom would involve her boyfriends after 1 or 2 dates and start talking about what a great guy he was and how they would all be so happy together. 6 months later she's telling SD what a jerk he is. What kind of message does that send? I also agree that it is good for him to see how a loving relationship works, and it sounds like he gets that from you and BF. ~More quality time is NEVER a bad thing! The reservations: ~First off, it is healthy and good to admit you have them. Do not think less of yourself for it. I had reservations before deciding to have bio-kids, so this is natural. You are being honest with yourself and BF, and that is awesome. ~You can still have some freedom. 2 out of 7 evenings isn't a ton, so perhaps you can schedule around them? It's also okay for you to have plans one or two A__ nights as you don't want him to feel like your world stops when he is there. To model a healthy family relationship is to model real life, and in real life you might have to do something on a Friday night. It's okay. There have been nights I have had a late client lunch and not wanted to eat with the kids. I still sit at the table, have a glass of milk and chat about their day with them. No harm in that. ~I don't think BF's shifts are that big a deal. SD'd mom works retail and has a different schedule daily. SD (and us) never knows if mom is picking her up from school or our house on her days until mom calls to let us know. We deal, and I see no affect on SD. A__ will see you and dad as a team, so which team member picks up and drops off isn't that important as long as the team plays by the same rules. My kids enjoy nights when dad has to work late or is away - we have certain meals we eat dad doesn't like and dance around with the music turned up. It's a special time we enjoy, and you can make those types of routines with A__ as well. ~You are right in that the longer you have A__ the easier he will be to deal with. When SD was younger the first day or two after a mom weekend was always drama, but by Wednesday morning she would be fine and stay fine until the next mom weekend. I have a habit of running out of cleaning supplies pretty much every Saturday afternoon, thus requiring a run to Target for more. I certainly hope no one ever finds my stash of Windex in the garage and figures out I just wanted to get away for a little bit. There is a Starbucks in Target - it's my own 45 minutes of Heaven. Funny - now that I think about it DH almost always is missing one thing to cook Sunday dinner and needs a trip to the grocery store . . . :-) As for me~ Oddly enough, I really didn't have reservations about fighting for custody of SD that I can remember. I think that is because I was so angry and outraged at BM's behavior that there just wasn't a question - SD needed to be with us. That probably overrode any hesitations. My DH has always been very supportive and appreciative of the role I play in SD's life and my level of involvement. I wouldn't hesitate to talk to him if I was worried. I hope you can feel the same with BF. ~I think I've already touched on your other questions, so on to BM. If she is already dumping him off at g-ma's, and g-ma isn't thrilled with it, to me it seems she wouldn't care much who it is with as long as it's not her. Unless she is the vindictive type like SD'd mom who would hire a babysitter for a weekend rather than send SD (3 at that point) up to stay with her dad while she was on a business trip (before he got custody, obviously) then this changes the dynamic. I'm going to assume (hope) that because you've said she's pretty cool that this isn't the case. I think the 'speech' you've outlined is good. Perhaps getting into g-ma needing a break would be helpful? Would g-ma even admit to this and be willing to say to BM that a few more days of A__ with dad would be good for all? Is there ever a chance of mom and dad splitting the time 50/50 so A__ doesn't have to be at more than 2 homes each week?? Now about you~ I think it is great you are this involved and care so much. I will echo the concerns voiced above about the possibility of losing contact with A__, but you can't spend all your time worrying about what might happen. Whatever you do, make sure that you are 99% behind the choice - making these decisions if you really don't support them can only hurt both you and A__ in the long run. Take this time while BF's house is getting done to think it over and talk to BF. Whew. I need some more coffee now . . .