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Is your SO considerate/thoughtful? are you?!

9 years ago

Is it a gender thing? (i.e., females are nurturers -- males are hunters)

Is the way you treat others due to the way you were raised?

This post was edited by party_music50 on Sun, Jul 13, 14 at 12:50

Comments (20)

satine_gw
9 years ago
I don't have a so but when he was still with me he was absolutely considerate. I could not be involved with someone who was inconsiderate, selfish, self serving. Part of the joy (for me) of being in a relationship is knowing you are part of a couple who care and take care of each other. Im not sure why a relationship without consideration etc would survive. Satine
lucillle
9 years ago
From accounts I have seen of gay couples, I don't think that consideration is hard wired biologically gender based, those couples seem to have good and bad relationships like anyone else.
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chisue
9 years ago
I think women are wired to be more observant of feelings -- or learn it. They are often better able to 'read the temperature' of a situation in order to better adapt or react to it. Men can learn to 'read', but it's not always natural for them.

I recall some "Ask the Expert" magazine article. It said that men take longer to process a new concept. It suggested bringing up a subject one day and telling him you and he will discuss it the next day.

This seems like preparing a child for a new activity. You tell him in advance what time you and he will leave the house for the event and tell him what will happen and what's expected of him at the event. You remind him about leaving in advance, and you confirm his understanding of the expectations as you depart.
ellendi
9 years ago
I think I try to be, and I know my DH does too, but I think we are both works of progress.

Depending on my mood, stress level or any number of things, I don't always behave or act as considerate as I should.

I have a friend who just naturally says the right thing. Or, she will put the positive spin on things.
ruthieg__tx
9 years ago
I think some men just don't necessarily think before they speak...my husband has said many times...Honey I would never say or do anything to intentionally hurt your feelings....and my response is always...but if I perceive it as hurtful, it doesn't matter whether you planned it or not...

Mostly my husband is very thoughtful and considerate ..but every now and then...he pulls a good one..
clubm
9 years ago
I'm on the outs right now with my husband. He did something I feel was inconsiderate of my feelings. :(
Elmer J Fudd
9 years ago
chisue, I've run into a lot of people over the years who think they're a lot more perceptive and insightful than they really are. Those like that I've seen are more often wrong as right, but don't try to point that out to them because they know better. The consequences and misunderstandings that result are sometimes regrettable.

The Golden Rule is always good guidance in dealing with others, especially SOs.
matti5
9 years ago
For the most part (not saying all) men have a narrow field of vision. As "hunters" they focus on the prey, not all the other things that can be gathered along the hunt to complete the meal lol

Woman being hunters will also gather along the way. Most are multi taskers which is why I think we focus on everyone else's wants, needs, happiness, etc...

I've learned early on that I need to communicate with my DH if I want something. I can not expect him to read my mind (Lord help him if he did haha) or expect that he will do as I do. He is not me. We've been married 33 years and he is still a work in progress :)
ruthieg__tx
9 years ago
One thing that I try to remain true to with my husband and my children is to remember that you can never "unsay" something....now I realize that "unsay" is not a word...but it should be...I have seen people have knock down drag out fights..and heard of fights our children have had and it bothers me to know some of the things that have been said because no matter how many times you forgive someone....you never forget what they say...If you say something to your mate that is terribly brutal and wounds to the core...he/she may forgive you, but that comment will never be forgotten...it will be tucked away in the memory somewhere and will work its way to the front of the brain every now and then and rewound from time to time...it's just a fact of life..so even at your maddest moment...don't say it...
Lindsey_CA
9 years ago
Excellent advice, Ruthie!

My husband is very considerate and very, very romantic. I know that I am very lucky that he loves me.
Alice_sj
9 years ago
My husband and I are very considerate and thoughtful to each other. I think I am more considerate and thoughtful of others, strangers in particular, but my husband is never rude or anything. I am likely too considerate of others, as in unnecessarily.

The examples Party wrote, those remind me of someone I know and her husband. Although she is not very considerate of others, and very much not considerate of her husband because he has all but zero consideration for his wife or others.
Orchidllauraga
9 years ago
For the most part Tony is a loving caring man, as long as he gets time to fool around on his computer, playing a game called EVE. He gets grumpy when he doesn't get to play.I think I am more open to his feelings than he is to mine.But I know he loves me with all his heart and would never intentionally hurt me or my feelings.,.
rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
9 years ago
Robert and I have a mutually respectful relationship. Coincidentally, we both grew up with the very worst parental examples......his father and my mother. We both grew up determined to NOT be like our respective parent.

One thing that we are both terrific at is the heartfelt apology....the prompt and heartfelt apology. There's no passive aggressive sulking or silences or the holding of grudges in our little family.

Kindness and thoughfulness comes easy. He's a sweetheart of the first order.....even when he's not, lol.
YogaLady1948
9 years ago
Satine I agree with you 100%. That is how my relationship with my DH is~~I want to enjoy my marriage not be nit picking at each other, life is too short.

I am a Dr. Phil fan (do not razz me). He says men are simple, just good ole boys. That really do want to please the women folk~~we as women just need to say what we want, hinting usually does not work.

I do not get grumpy with my DH anymore, it is too tiring;) Waste too much time and energy~~
Elmer J Fudd
9 years ago
I won't razz you, you should watch what you like.

BUT, keep in mind that a very high percentage of his audience is female. Let's just say the show is successful because it's mindful of its audience and puts a lot of effort into having guests and segments that resonate with the audience.

He not an authority, he's an entertainer. Be entertained!
chisue
9 years ago
I like rhizo's post about being ready to say, "Sorry," and mean it -- and then LET GO OF IT!

I find that most men are better at 'moving on'. Maybe they just 'rub some dirt on it' or 'walk it off', as they learn to do in sports. (Real men don't *sulk*.)

We are over-generalizing here. People of either gender are *individuals*. We can't talk about ALL men or ALL women.

DH and I sometimes call one another out as the SOC's (Selfish Only Children) we are. For instance, he will pour his coffee, but not mine, or I'll take a cookie out of the cookie jar without asking if he'd like one too.
PhillyFog
9 years ago
Someone please check me for a pulse, I actually agree with Snidely!

In answer to the question, I'm very blessed with an extremely thoughtful hubby! - but he also receives the same love from me. Could be why we've been married for 36 years! : )
renee_fl
9 years ago
Based on the "inconsiderate" examples provided the question may be are you overly sensitive, whiny and/or needy?

My SO has gone to the store and brought himself something back without also getting me something before. I have had a headache and he has left me alone. I don't take it personally. Would he have gotten me a candy bar if I had asked. Yes. Would he have given me a backrub if I had asked? Yes. He would drop everything for me at any given moment in time - there is no doubt in my mind. Does he respect me? Yes. Is he faithful? Yes. Is he a good man? Yes. Does he make me laugh? Yes. Does he love me? Yes. Do I love him? Yes. Are either one of us perfect? No. Does that matter? No. A relationship is not about keeping score and a relationship certainly is not about changing your partner to make him the perfect "thoughtful and considerate" man you want him to be.

You asked: And if your SO is not considerate/thoughtful, is there anything that can be done to change that? I am so disgusted by that question that I am not even going to respond other than to say that you are with the wrong person.
marilyn_c
9 years ago
I don't know what thoughtful and considerate means, exactly. My husband helps me often, even when I don't want the help. Like in the evening, feeding the animals...I'd just as soon do it myself because I am picky about how it's done, He thinks I do things too slowly.

He is very unselfish. Anything I want....anything....if I say it, I can have it. He doesn't ask for anything for himself. If he has good socks...no holes and not worn out...he is happy. I know he likes particular meals and the way I cook, so I always try to fix something I know he likes. No matter what I fix, he always compliments me on it. If I do the least little thing around the house, he notices and says something nice about it.

On the other hand, he can be a real ass sometimes. Like last evening he couldn't find a cigarette lighter to light the propane fogger we use to fog for mosquitoes in the horses' night pasture. He chewed me out for not putting it back some place where I could find it. I was running around for 30 minutes trying to find it...thinking I had used it last. Then I remembered....he had lit the fogger last night, so he had it. He had chewed me out for something he did. And he never, ever puts anything back where it belongs....which is why we only have one cigarette lighter....I buy them a half dozen at a time.

Most of the time he won't close a cabinet door, and he throws his clothes wherever he steps out of them.

I am very, very easy going. I have learned to not start petty arguments. I told him last night he is very lucky because out of all the people in the world, he gets to live with me. ;).
nicole__
9 years ago
35 years ago I had to tell him IF he's going to be late coming home, he should call me. He does. So he's trained. ;0)

We're very happy! So everything else falls into place.

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