I'm afraid that 'clearing the air' would result in recreating the rift. Can you forgive and move on with out rehashing this?

I guess you have to decide whether clearing the air or renewing your relationship with your cousin....Perhaps somewhere down the line when you both are comfortable with each other once again, you can deal with it if it is important...but maybe right now it is better to just heal the relationship...I always give my family the benefit of the doubt...

IMHO, clearing the air means establishing rights and wrongs with associated apologies. If that's what you need, then you should pursue it. If you want to start anew, move past the past.

The relationship may be different but if you have a small family and want to keep it intact, that's the sacrifice you must make.

Most times going forward is the best choice.

Will you have the same affection? Will this new relationship have any real meaning?

How will you ever know if you don't give it an honest try?

The question is, do you want to try?

I totally agree with the others, ellendi. Let your cousin back into your heart with joy and without requiring that 'clearing of the air '. Meet with her without any reservations. Hopefully, you will both be comfortable with the relationship and enjoy your time together.

It might make a difference as a person gets older, Certain illnesses pop up and sometimes personalities change so slightly it is hard to recognize. Many of us do have various forms of dementia and we either forget some of the past or those thoughts and problems magnify without us realizing it. Maybe one day at a time, and remember to good parts of the past.

It seems as though she has set the terms of the relationship...from insisting on a break to only discussing what SHE wants when you are together. You either accept those terms or you can't have a relationship with her....pretty one-sided I'd say....but only you can decide if you want to continue the relationship under her rules or not.

I had a falling out with a cousin and I don't even know what I did. She is older, single and has never been married. We would talk on the phone a few times a year. Once in a while she would come visit over the years and vice versa..we live 2 hours away from each other. I stopped calling as often because 1) I was on the go constantly with my 3 kids and their activities in the days before cell phones and 2) the calls just got too long....she doesn't have much of a life and she would go on and on about the most mundane things. I would listen patiently, but the next time it made it all the more difficult to pick up the phone knowing I was in for more of the same. The only thing I can think of is that she got mad I wasn't calling as often...but she stopped calling me too.

I did invite her to my son's wedding last year. She replied that she was coming. A week before the wedding, I discovered she had not made hotel reservations. I must have sent 3 or 4 emails and left as many messages on her voicemail thinking maybe she decided to stay elsewhere. No reply until a message left Thursday night...."I hardly ever read my email or check my voicemail." WTH? She wasn't coming...no emergency reason or anything which of course I would have understood. We ended up having to pay for her as the count had already been given to the caterer. I was livid...so rude and inconsiderate. Even so, as usual I sent her a Christmas card, but did not get one from her...so that was it, I am done and I am not making any effort again.

It's sad, but that's just how it goes sometimes, family or not.

I would give it my best try. We all say stupid things at times, especially if we feel we've been hurt. If you never heard her say it then how can you really know how accurate the messenger was who came to you and, for that matter, why would this messenger come to you to tell you something that would upset you?
Clearly you were hurt, maybe she felt slighted in some way. Life is short, relationships where love is involved should be able to weather difficult times. Why carry this around with you and wonder why it happened, just go out to lunch, catch up and see what happens. At least you would have given it your best shot.

Agreeing to disagree to move a relationship forward works sometimes. You can give it a try to see if that approach will work for you. As Rhizo_1 said, open your heart and let the hurt fly away.

Thank you for all your considerate posts. I will make arrangements to go see her as it looks like she has various ailments that will postpone us meeting halfway. (We usually meet in the city.)

I agree,just bury the hatchet without rehashing it and let it go. :-)

I had a somewhat similar experience. Someone caused a rift between siblings, which caused a lot of bad feelings. No communication for a year between the sibs. At an family event this year, one of the siblings must have had a change of heart because, they acted like nothing ever happened. I was surprised, but really relieved at the action.

It may always be an elephant in the room, but at least it can maybe be ignored now, instead of causing trouble.
Let's hope so. And for you too. Life is too short to carry around grudges. It's heavy to bear.

My gut feeling is that I will never really be able to have the same affection toward my cousin that I once did. And, would this new relationship have any real meaning for me?

I haven't had that experience, but I have learned over the years that if someone has been known to behave badly toward others, or talks about them in a mean-spirited way, chances are he or she will do the same to me at some point.

I think you're correct in assuming your relationship won't be what it was before this happened. You've learned something new about this cousin, something unpleasant, and that alone alters the dynamic of the relationship. I would guess an element of trust has been damaged.

Only you can say whether or not the new relationship will have meaning for you. Perhaps the only way to find out is to give it a try. If it doesn't work out, you won't be any worse off than you are now--at least that's how it appears from here.

Although it sounds nice to open your heart and let her in with joy, I would personally be inclined to proceed with a little more caution. This isn't about holding grudges; it's about recognizing that this is a woman who has a history of cutting off friends and relatives, sometimes permanently.

Thank you Alisande, it's how I feel exactly.

Joanie, maybe we have the same cousin? Interesting that mine too would talk for hours too. She too did not have children. She's married though to a man 17 years older which for the past many years has been an issue. Thanks again for your input.

The fact that you're "keeping score" on who did what, when, tells me you really want ammunition and justification to cut off contact.

You're even keeping track about whether you meet halfway or not. That's being petty, I hope you don't look at things that way with your friends. I think you've already decided what direction to go with the relationship. Follow your feelings and move on. Good luck.

At least you *have* a cousin and could see her without a lot of effort.

I'm an only daughter of an only daughter. My father had sibs who had children. I hesitate to call them cousins -- although in fact they are that -- but after my parents divorced when I was six, I didn't have any contact with most of them and never met several. There was never much 'closeness' among our parents. (My grandparents set their children in competition with one another for parental approval.)

My eldest cousin was the only one to 'keep up' with me (Christmas and birthdays). She died a few years ago. I had a visit with two other female cousins ten years ago while DH and I were in the San Francisco to attend a wedding. We corresponded briefly after that, mainly about genealogy. Neither is married, and *they* are estranged from their brother.

To cut to the present, my now-eldest cousin emailed me a few weeks ago to say he was driving from the east coast to the west and would like to see me. I last saw him two wives, two children, and fifty years ago. (His younger brother died a few years ago, unbeknownst to me.)

I invited him to stay with us, and we had a nice visit over a long weekend, resulting in my feeling that I really do have THIS cousin.

Life is way too short! Stop, and just let the past be the past. You are lucky to have her alive and wanting to be close again. You never know what tomorrow can bring for either of you.
Drop it, bury it, move on and create a new relationship anew.
Imagine if one of you died tomorrow what would your feelings be? Because it could happen to any of us.
Each and every one of has faults.

Snidely, you really misinterpreted what I said. I meant physically meeting half way. We live an hour and a half apart, she doesn't drive, so we usually meet in the city for fun outings.
Not sure also where you got the idea I was keeping score. In short, my feelings were hurt and I addressed it. She then addressed past feelings about me, obviously I hurt her, but I don't recall specific incidents.

I personally would apologize for anything hurtful.

The way it stands, I'll visit her at her house and see where this goes.

Thanks Chisue and Raven for sharing your thoughts.

Good luck ellendi, I hope it works out. My sister and brother had a huge falling out about my mother's will and stopped talking for a few years. Then my sister extended the olive branch with a similar sentiment about never bringing up their disagreement again. But SHE was the one who brought it up, and it restarted their argument.

They stopped speaking for a few more years and this time my brother extended the olive branch. But within a short time, my sister brought it up again, so once more, they aren't speaking, because my brother just can't deal with her constantly trying to prove she is right. Clearly it only works if BOTH parties are willing to let it be.

Very true, picky.

My sister does the same thing to me, but on a regular basis. Never apologizes, just hides out for a couple of years, then starts hiding behind texts (never calling and talking) and if I "take her back" it's only a matter of time until she carps on me again. I have decided that there's no more next time.

I agree most with alisande's response: definitely go into the "re-building" with caution. Your cousin has a history of unilaterally cutting people off. There's every reason to believe she'll do this to you again in the future. Issues that are swept under the rug have a nasty habit of appearing again later.

Since your cousin seems big on calling the shots regarding your reconciliation, perhaps you should set a condition of your own: you'll agree not to bring up the original disagreement if she'll agree to openly discuss her concerns with you should she ever start feeling like she did previously. That way, instead of ending up having another break that may fully destroy your relationship next time, she has to talk over the situation with you so you two can try to find a middle ground.

If she won't agree to even that much, you may as well plan to get your heart broken because she'll toss you aside again at some point.

Sweeping things under the rug is DEATH to any relationship. If the goal is to be close you have to face the conflict. The goal has to be to share feelings and not end up combative. If you cannot tell her how you feel, how this or that made you feel...then what is there to salvage. You cannot build the trust a true friendship requires of you cannot let her know how it felt to be cut off. You may well have to agree to disagree...but you have to know what you disagreed about. How else can you prevent a repeat? Ignoring and moving on is just plain disrespectful, to you and her. There can be no forgiveness in the absence of the apology. You can ignore and pretend...but it will ALWAYS be there. You will never be close again.

I understand what you are saying Arcy, but obviously my cousin does not want to discuss the issues.

Arcy, your post is so true if both parties are mentally healthy and willing to work on the relationship. However, if one of the parties refuses to do so, it is possible to have an amicable relationship. That person won't be your closest confidante or most trusted friend, but you can be cordial and accepting of them.

We probably all have people in our lives that we feel ambivalent or neutral toward. Not every relationship has to exist at the same level of love and trust. Usually, you cannot change people, you can only change how you relate to them.

ah let sleeping dogs lie-life is too damned short to be bringing up crap-move on-be happy that she wants to be back to the "way you's were"....JMHO

Dragging it all out again serves absolutely no purpose. Are you ready to change YOUR stance on the "issue"...?? Neither is she. Forgive...and more importantly...FORGET. The two of you are basically just agreeing to disagree...nothing wrong with that!

I'm with Arcy, and with Fun2BHere.
Arcy is I feel right if as she says the goal is to be close. Without resolution, how could one trust that the same behavior isn't going to happen again?
But Fun2BHere correctly points out that one can still have an amicable relationship without resolution of past issues.
Amicable (to me) as in 'have a nice time but never turn your back'.

Here is an old timey story:

The Scorpion and the Frog

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.
The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back.

"I could not help myself. It is my nature."

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.