Step Grandma

10 years ago

Hi there - I do not post questions very often but I thought the crowd here would have a good response. My very dear Step daughter just had a baby son. My DH has 3 additional GK - they are my Step GKs. The 3 older Step grands call me by my first name - which is fine by me. My step D asked me if I wanted to have a different "title" - more grandma-like. I do not have any grands of my own...yet & probably for not the next 8-10 yrs. I suggested that the baby "name" me & I would go by my first name until he names me.

Can you give me any guidance?

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Comments (16)

mary_c_gw
10 years ago
Why, yes I can!

I'm step grandma to three. My stepson asked me what I wanted to be called, since they have a multiplicity of grandparents. I suggested GrandMary, and it works perfectly for us.

Babies might well try to name you, but if you continue to say "Come to ____, or whatever, they will catch on and use at least a variation of that. So name yourself, and use it with the baby.

After all, it's how a baby learns "mama", "dada", etc. It's because the name is used!
Adella Bedella
10 years ago
My kids call my step-mother "Grandma plus her first name." My mother is also called"Grandma plus her first name," My mil chose to go by "Granny" so she is "Granny plus her first name.
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I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I also don't think that, even taking into account the history and relationships, the other lady is being silly to feel hurt. I don't think too many of us would, in her position, think, "Well, after what's gone down all these years, I don't deserve to be called Grandma, so I'm just fine with this." It has to be painful. She must feel rejected by her daughter. (I don't think it was so smart of her to make a point of saying anything, though.) Whether it's her own fault or not is not the point. She feels what she feels. I don't think you get anywhere by resorting to statements like "It's the mom's choice," either. That's not going to change one thing about how anyone feels, and I also think you are correct that it could all lead to the other lady's trying hard to marginalize you. As for this inspiring her to be a better parent and change her attitude ... seriously? I strongly doubt it. Honestly, I think the smartest thing for you to do here is to tell your stepdaughter that you are very touched and honored, but that as it obviously causes her mom pain and embarrassment, it might be better all around if you are Nana or Meemaw or Granny or Bubbie or something else. We will probably have grandchildren in the next few years, and as Grandma, Bubbie, and Nana are already in use, I predict that we in the next generation will end up Safta (the Israeli), Abuela (the Mexican), and I suppose I'll ask for "Granny" --because it's the only one left I can think of! But I don't think about it much, because, and this applies to you, too, this whole argument may well be a waste. The first grandchild gets to name the grandparents. No matter what anyone decides, you could both end up being "Kiki" and "BingBong," you know. I have one friend who is "Happy." If your stepdaughter insists on it after your saying this, then you have an entirely different problem on your hands. Don't let her use you as a weapon against her mother, for your own sake most of all. Do you have to step back? No. Does her mom have the right to insist? No. Is she being petty to make a thing of it? Yes. Shouldn't the mom get to choose? Sure. But relying on rules or logic rarely solves problems like these. Rather, I would ask yourself what is the best way to maximize everyone's comfort, dignity, and relationships, here, not least the grandchildren to come. What will make you most confident you are behaving like a lady and a grownup? You aren't the one with something to prove. You can afford to be generous. I'm sure you are going to be an excellent grandparent, and if, for whatever reason, you end up as "MooMoo," someday you'll get a crayoned card that says " YOU ARE THE MOST WONDERFUL MOOMOO IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!! WE LOVE OUR MOOMOO!" Would that really be so bad? :-)
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dances_in_garden
10 years ago
Do you have a problem if the child calls you Grandma? We also do the first name (or a last name) addition to keep it clear which grandma is which.

Dances.
pam_25f
10 years ago
My step children's children call me Grammie, their father's mother Nona, and their mom's mother Grandma Lastname. They call my mother Grannie Annie. We called my own grandmother Nana, and I loved her so much I sometimes wish I had chosen that name. But there is nothing like the sounds of their voices saying "Grammie." I think your stepdaughter was sweet to ask you. I would definitely urge you to pick a grandmother like name. I think she is honoring your relationship.
nanny98
10 years ago
When my first grand came to live with me at 6 mos. old.... I was too young to be a Grandma anything.... wife of the Capt. on a very small Military base with all those younsters around..... so I called myself Nanny. (happen to be in Scotland.... so Nannies seemed a good name). Now that the grands are all in their 20's, I am thinking that I need to go back to my OWN name.... that grandson is 37 and just had his first child, our Great Grand# 1. (BTW she is adorable, but will not be living close and I will be Nanny to her....also, I really loved being a Nanny to all my grands and their friends.).
maddielee
10 years ago
My friend, a wonderful step grandmother, did not want to 'step' on the toes of the other grandmothers by using a name too much like a grandma, nana, gram, etc might use.

she is Mimi, to her steps...fits perfectly.

ML
glenda_al
10 years ago
My grandson has a sister, by marriage of his mother to another man.

His little sister adores me and I suggested she call me Ms G. She loves that.

My son and his wife, have two foster young teens, nieces of his wife, and they call me Ms G as well.
trixietx
10 years ago
My DH, who is a step dad, granddad. The grands call him Tommy Dad, his first name and dad. They call me KK, my name is Karen. Just let them name you .
wifetojoeiii
Original Author
10 years ago
I REALLY appreciate the responses! Ideally my own daughter's kids could name me first but that is a LONG way off if at all!

Pam25_f - yes my step daughter was wonderfully sweet to ask me. I cannot be called Grandma or Gramma, even with my first name - it would step on the toes of my step D's mother (my DH's ex) and she has VERY sensitive toes...

My MIL (great grandmother) is Nana, the ex is Grandma & and the other grandmother is Noni.

I like Nanny & maybe Granny; & trixietx - my name is Karen too & I like KK also.
susie53_gw
10 years ago
It was sweet of your stepdaughter to ask. It is clear she wants you to be an important part in her childs life. Pick a name and tell her. I am Mamaw to mine and the other grandma is Grammy. Grandchildren are wonderful.
ghoghunter
10 years ago
I am called Nana by both my step and my daughter's children. My own mother was also called Nana and it makes it very simple.
Joann
grandma_bonnie
10 years ago
Memaw is also used by some - I am Grandma Bonnie to my step grands and Grandma by my own.
ruthieg__tx
10 years ago
Several of my Grands were already of an age where they knew me as Ruthie when I married their Papa (but I had also been around for a number of years) and they already had a Nana so they continued to call me Ruthie and it was so cute it never bothered anyone, especially me...It was rather special to me...They knew I was the other Grandmother and introduced me as such...even as a 4 year old....so I think they will call you really what ever they feel comfortable with...They were used to hearing me called Ruthie and that is what they felt comfortable calling me...
chisue
10 years ago
Unless two grandmothers have the same given name, can't each be "Grandma (Given Name)". It's what we called our DS's grandmothers. I think there was more formality in earlier times. My grandmothers were "Grandma (Surname)". Using given names eliminates the confusion in a re-marriage situation.

Our DIL's family is of Polish origin so I am "Grandma", and DIL's mom is "Busia".
patti43
10 years ago
I'm Mimi to my step-grands and grandson, too. Katie named me when she was about 16 months old and bumped her head trying to kiss herself in my mirrored coffee table :-) I did something to make her laugh and she thought it was so funny, she started saying, "Oooh Mimi, Oooh Mimi!" I just love it.

I didn't want to step on toes, either.
lindaohnowga
10 years ago
I'm Grandma2, meaning Grandma too since my grandkids have two grandmas. I'm GiGi (for GreatGrandma) to my greatgrandkids.

Step Grandma

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mary_c_gw

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