"Right direction according to whom?" That depends. Parents who will be able to support and care for themselves until death have every right to do exactly as the please. However, if they end up needing the support and care of their children then they need to take those children into consideration when making decisions about their future. I have a friend who's 80yo parents decided to up and move 800 miles away because they wanted to "go back home." Friend warned them that he wasn't going to be at their beck and call if they moved so far way. They depended on him for home repairs, errands, etc. Parents said they didn't need him - don't worry about it. Well, now mom and dad constantly complain that he doesn't visit enough and what's going to happen to them if they get sick? They can't afford to move back and are very upset with the situation they have found themselves in. My friend has stuck to his guns because he wanted to teach then a lesson. Kind of mean but I also understand his side. He says, in the end, it they get sick and need help - he'll have to drop everything to travel away from home to take care of them, possibly jeopardizing his job. The "right direction" according to ALL involved.

Not sure about the mental illness, but it's a great possibility. I have a BIL and SIL who are bipolar. One worse than the other. Another SIL is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. She did things like your daughter does. She also had abortions and is divorced. I asked two woman once who had had abortion how they felt. If it was painful. They both said physically it was okay. Emotionally it was hell. Maybe your daughter feels like she doesn't deserve to be alive after having so many abortions and losing so many children. Maybe she's trying to destroy herself because of the emotional pain she is suffering because of her choices and then, when she's sober looks for hope, and then gets down again. Up and down! Up and down! Not getting into a long story but one that relates very well with your granddaughter's life. She should be in counselling NOW. My brother and his wife are raising their son's 2 sons because the mother is a drug addict who has caused so much emotional damage to the eldest since he was 4 (now 8). He had a counsellor from Children's Aid come over to the house and she did some "play counselling". It really helped him. He'd do well until the mother would call and say all kinds of stuff to him to turn him against my brother and SIL. They have now decided to cut all ties with her for the kids' sake and resume counselling. It was destroying them. They are dealing with the courts right now. It's not good for your granddaughter to be subjected to her mother's emotional outbursts and all the stuff that's going on. It will only destroy her too, so PLEASE get her into counselling now! Don't mean to sound unfeeling or whatever, but I don't think there's anything you can do now to help your daughter because she NEEDS to want to help herself. BUT.. what you CAN do is make sure your granddaughter doesn't suffer emotional damage because of her mother's actions. She needs to know and understand WHY her mother does the things that she does, and only a qualified professional knows just how much info a little mind can take at a time so as to not overwhelm them too much and cause more damage. Just my opinion. I wish you luck and strength as you go through this with your family. P.S. A friend of mine had a schizophrenic mother who did all kinds of things to her. My friend was 9 years old when she ran away, collecting pop bottles to get something to eat. After 3 days on the street, she'd go to the police. "They" would get the mother back on her meds, then my friend would go back (and her brother). Only this would happen over and over again. She ended up in a total of 40 foster homes. At 16, she was on her own. ONE foster mother gave my friend (aged 15)several books about schizophrenia and told her to read them all so that she could understand WHY her mother did the things that she did. It wasn't because she didn't love her. It was because she was mentally ill. My friend said that reading those books changed her whole world. She didn't hate her mother anymore. On her wedding day, she saw her brother for the first time in a very long time. My friend invited her mother to the wedding. When her brother asked her how she could invite her and still love her after everything that she did to them, my friend told her brother that it's called forgiving and understanding and she'd talk to him about it when he grows up! I have to say that my friend turned out very well. Never did drugs or hit the booze to numb the emotional pain of her childhood. It actually made her stronger. The brother, however, today, is bipolar and smokes drugs! The mother is now deceased, but my friend took care of her by arranging proper care when she was too sick to care for herself. She would also go pick her up to spend Christmas day with her husband and kids. By educating herself about why her mother did the things that she did, she didn't grow up with resentment, hatred, low self-esteem, feeling unloved, etc. She grew up knowing that her mother loved her in her own special way, the only way she could, and was mentally ill, and had "outbursts" when she was not on her meds, etc. Your granddaugther needs to know the same about her mother!

It can be difficult as we grow up to change patterns of how we have always interacted with our parents...and some of us get to a point when we recognize that old patterns need to be changed, because we realize that a parent does not seem to respect us, or respect the way we are doing things. We find that they may treat other family members (less deserving with more respect) even though that person has their own issues. And so, we begin to understand that changes need to occur, so that they begin to see us as an adult, and respect us. Read what you can find, or better yet, find books on DVD as you drive in the car. Make this a year that you grow and evolve. Ask for suggestions with a counselor on communicating as a grown up with your parents, instead of still being the little girl needing their help and advice all the time. I find myself falling into old patterns too, and I am working on it. Perhaps this is your time of personal growth. Perhaps now that you are in your 40's it is a time in life for you to begin to grow into the woman you are meant to be. You may try talking to them, and telling them that their negativity and lack of confidence in your decisions has reached a point where it needs to change. That they need to see you as the adult woman, wife and mother that you are. That you know that they are concerned, but that they need to work "hard" on putting a "POSITIVE" spin on their words, because it is necessary for your emotional well being...so that you can parent your children from a healthy state of mind, and not a discouraged, or angry, or upset state of mind. And that you need them to work on this, and that you are going to call them on it their behavior if they don't. Sometimes, parents too fall into old patterns of behavior, and may not even realize how they sound, or the effect of their tone, or words. Or their general attitude may need re adjusted to a much more positive one. Its a new year...a good time for fresh new changes for everyone!

I can understand why wry tried again..because I tried a few times to really understand my SD and her actions. All to no avail. So that's why I've come to this point of just cutting her off. I love my husband dearly..he means the world to me. And I would do anything, but I will not eat crow so he can feel like we're one big happy family..because with his daughter I am not. Happy, that is. I was treated so horrible by her that I know not how to trust her for any reason. To be honest...the things she said to me in texts when she got caught stealing here..let's just say if I for one second thought my wonderful husband had said those things - we'd be divorced today over it. They were not to be taken mildly nor will I ever do that. She purposely set out to try to cast some serious doubts in my head as to how she felt my husband did not care at all about me in the slightest - and had spent MANY days/hours telling her so. How he felt trapped with me and I had ruined him as a man...and he was only with me because he didn't want to be alone. That I was the worst mistake he had ever made and maybe one day I might just stop breathing...? How my grown daughter and I were 'morons' and that my husband found my daughter to be worthless and a pain in the butt. I treat him like total *&^# and his entire family hates my guts for ruining him. She hoped I was proud that I took such a good man and turned him into garbage waste. NOW..I ask you all..and please tell me seriously...I do respect every answer I get here. And I appreciate it beyond belief... In order for me to believe my husband - and I do - I have to also believe his daughter is demented and psychotic to try to create such damage in my marriage. How else am I to feel? What he is NOT getting is after all this from her, how do you just kiss and make up and not remember her hatred? She tried to come at me a couple months after this - with her fake BS - "Oh I just love you so much...!!" and the only thing I wanted to do was knock her teeth down her throat. THAT is what he sees...he sees his fake daughter act like she's a victim of circumstance..her mother is so awful..yada yada yada. She's old enough..married with a child..to know better. Bulls&&t. Seriously. And this isn't just due to her actions in stealing and being caught then verbally attacking me for it..over the past 2 years she has broke her neck talking of her father..how horrible he can be and trying to convince me is a continual cheater. She's tried to darken my name within his family but they have told me of the horror stories she tells them...and they are whoppers..let me just say. WHOPPERS. I'm just done with the fool. Again..if my husband wants this in his life, he can have it. I refuse to be crapped on then learn how to forgive her 50,000 ways like he does. No way in hell will I live like that. Thoughts?