It's not quantity, it's quality. This is a timely post for me. I am at the crossroads of a friendship that I have had for almost 50 years.

I agree with all your criteria. I do not have a good relationship with a SIL because she isn't honest and I can't trust her with personal information.

My friend is different. She has become rigid about when she wants to talk on the phone and is just not available as I think a real friend should be.

It is difficult making friends as we age. Maybe that is why I am having a difficult time letting go of this particular friend.
I am not sure what the answer is for you. You don't want to lower your standards, yet at the same time you want to expand your social life.

Respect and acceptance I base on the following list.

These are traits I look for in a friend & I don't think I'm asking a lot, but I am(lol):

1) Stand on YOUR own 2 feet, don't expect me to constantly cheer you up, motivate you or ask "me" for money. You are not my new full time job.

2) IF you say your going to be somewhere, you are. Say your going to do something , you do.

3) You don't have to mirror me or my likes or my life. I can sit and read a book while you work a puzzle.

4) Don't try to intimidate me or lord over me, arrogance is not a friend to hang out with.

5) I don't care if your lying, if your stories are interesting, it's called embellishment. Why would I care if your entertaining. I'm not trying to make you accountable for your humor.

6) Accepting yourself the way you are , or making changes is a must. Like yourself.

7) Don't sit and judge, unless those people are "in your face" and won't go away...live & let live. Don't launch attacks.

I have more....but ..........lol

two.25acres, to answer your question, I would ditto exactly what you wrote...each.and.every.word. Having my guard up with people has been bitter sweet, and very rarely proves me wrong in terms of my judgement of character.

I agree, ellendi, that it IS difficult making friends as we age, though, it seems the older we get, the more important they are.

I do not trust any of my 4 sisters, therefore, I've dropped some from my life and keep the others at a distance. I often wonder how I was born from the same parents.

This is thought provoking. I have plenty of people in my life whom J love but can't fit rigidly into those knds of criteria. For example, I have a dear friend who is loving, giving, caring, funny, generous in all things.....but I know better than to confide a secret to her!

I have other friends who may have wonderful qualities but might be clingy or negative or judgemental or lazy or less than honest in their dealings with people....yet they have important qualities. I can still love them and they enrich my life.

I draw the line with bigotry, meanness, stealing or other criminal behavior, etc. I was with a friend, for example, who found an envelope with a large amount of money in the parking lot of the bank we were going in. She squealed with excitement and started to put it in her handbag. When I told her that we needed to report it to the bank, she offered to share it with me! Finders keepers, you know.

Arguing with her proved futile, so I called the police right then and there and said that 'my friend ' and I had found over $300 and what should we do? She was stuck with doing the right thing at that point and furious with me. End of friendship....a mutual decision.

I can't trust most of my family members with private thoughts, so I just accept it and love them, anyway. My life would be pretty empty without them.

My husband is a man of wonderful qualities ; I admire and respect him. BUT! He can be something of a gossip sometimes, lol.

Ellendi, I don't like to talk on the phone....don't know why, but I don't. If I'm not in the mood, I won't answer. :-(

honesty and loyalty

Rhizo, I have a sister who doesn't like to talk on the phone. She only wants to email. My other sister (We are three sisters and one brother) was hurt by this. The interesting part is that when you call her, you can't get her off the phone. I emailed this sister and told her how our other sister was feeling. She sent us back an email saying this is how she is. And she pointed out that her son was the same way. As if that could justify it.

My problem is this. Yes, you don't have to talk on the phone if you don't want to. But if someone is reaching out to you, that is supposed to be important to you, don't you think you should compromise a little? Say, call once a year? The human voice is not equal to an email.

In my friend's case, it is different. She has an overwhelming job and a very difficult husband. She will never admit or talk about her husband's shortcomings. He is severely OCD and often very inappropriate socially. We stopped going out as couples because my DH had enough. She has lost many, many friends and I know it is because of him. Yet, to her, it is always the other person. So, I know things are difficult for her.

She started to only call me from her car on the way home from work. This is when I am preparing dinner but I would but her on speaker etc. Then I realized that she would never answer her phone on a weekend. Days later she would get back to me on her drive home. I confronted her and she told me that this is the way it is.

Fast forward, I had major surgery and although she called and send flowers, she never came to see me. I felt hurt by this.

Long story short, we just sent a few emails back and forth,
She feels I was rude by saying that she is screening her calls. I said that statically speaking she should be answering her phone sometimes!

We are now at a crossroads. I do feel awful. She doesn't understand why it is a big deal for me that we only speak on her way home from work. I said that this only started to bother me when I realized that she was no longer available when I felt like talking at other times. This all seems crazy to me and I feel she is taking on the traits of her husband.

My question to all of you is, keep the friendship or "kick it to the curb?"

I agree with Rhizo in that I think there is room in your life for different kinds of friends. Some will be strictly social friends with which you share a good time or some common interest. Some will be part of a couple that you share with your husband or partner. But there are only likely to be two or three who are so close that you trust them with everything. If someone is mean, negative or unreliable then I am not likely to want them around at any cost.

Ellendi, just going by what you've shared with us about your friend, I felt very sympathetic towards her. She may not feel the freedom to talk on the phone with her husband present. Do you think that she might be in need of a good friend through thick and thin? Does the friendship need to be on her terms for awhile?

One of the most important characteristics for me is a sense of humor! I love those rare times I laugh so hard that it hurts.

Two.25acres, I have had lots of acquaintances over the years whose company I enjoyed, but I would never rely on them or trust them without reserve. I have two true friends that I know I could call at any time and they would be there for me. I don't think it's necessary for every person in your life to be valued at the same level. I don't think you've missed anything as long as you don't limit your social life to just your close friends.

Ellendi, I don't think you have to give up your friendship, but you may want to attenuate it. Friends have phases in their lives, just as we do. Sometimes those phases are in sync with ours and we are very close; other times we are not.

Honesty........ I will not tolerate being lied to.

Honesty is a big trait for me too. Responsibility and trust are important.

A sense of humor. Intelligence. Those are the two things I can think of that all of my friends possess. I have never thought about honesty being one of those traits that I require in a friend, because I have never had a friend that was dishonest. Maybe subconsciously I choose honest friends.

Ellendi, your friend sounds like my DD. I can understand your frustration that she only talks to you when it is convenient for her. I know that my DD is a very self-involved individual and I love her anyway. Maybe you can get past her selfishness, I don't know. I won't disown DD for her faults, but it is a different situation entirely.

I have not read all the replies.

I would expect everything spoken of in confidence to not be spread around at all.

I read this and my first thought was "I don't demand anything"; then I read the post and all the follow ups. I approach friendship in a different way. When I meet someone, I let them show who they are while treating them the way I would like to be treated.

I am not a gossiper - just don't have time for that. You start chit-chatting, that's fine but it tells me to keep things close.
I am not a fan of drama and don't have time for it; you bring drama into the friendship and I'll move away from the friendship.
I will help but don't take advantage of me and certainly don't ask for money. Like blood from a stone, there's no money here.
I don't need to talk to you every day and sometimes not even every month! Our friendship may mean a lot but if the bonds are weak, it will fall apart.

I think that's about all I can say right now. I guess friendships will change over time. Sometimes they just may not last and that's ok. I treasure the friends I have, the friends I've lost and the friends I've yet to meet.

Ya, I don't demand anything from anyone. People are what they are. If they have redeeming characteristics that I find intriguing I take the bad with the good. I learn a lot from people and their imperfections.

I'm with Dee. I don't "demand" anything from friends. I don't think the OP meant it the way it sounds. Most of my friends I've met because we had the same interests and met while doing them. I don't have many new friends but I'm happy with my old ones :-) I've never known them to be dishonest or gossipy. There are many people at the KT I think would be good friends if we lived closer.

I am happy with acquaintances and prefer not to get to that BFF stage. I have that with my neighbors and it works for us.

Acceptance, I guess. Don't make demands on me that are unreasonable. I am not a phone person. Don't expect an hour long phone chat every night. I don't have any tolerance for drama, "needy" people or anyone that drones on and on about their sad "lot in life", when they won't make any effort to change their, self inflicted, situation. I also have no tolerance for bigots or prejudiced people. I was friends with a woman for years and never saw any tendencies ... when her son started going through the process to adopt a baby girl from China, the vileness that came out of her mouth APPALLED me! I never spoke to her again, and I have to see her regularly at social occasions.

I don't think I have huge demands but I do expect to be treated with respect and with fairness.

But what makes a friend and a friendship vs an acquaintance or are they same thing and am I splitting hairs?

I have a friend that I have known for 50 years and we see each other maybe 2-3 times a year for a walk and lunch. When we get together we can't shut up and we have such a good time and 4 hours later we are still talking but we are not confidants. I have another friend that I have known for 20 years and we are confidants - we share feelings, fears, successes, and we have been there for each other in emergencies..

But the qualities that they both share are they like to make plans with me, they show up on time and ask nothing of me except my company and I am the same.

And then I have 3 running buddies and I have been running with these women for 15 years, 3 times a week in the trails. Yes, we chat while running and we have the occasional cup of coffee together but I wouldn't count on any of them in an emergency.

I have learned from my MIL how not to treat people. She is a mean gossip and is critical of people different than she. I avoid her.

Ellendi, I feel like I need to weigh in on your friends behaviour.
2 observations:
The first is, I used to have a very demanding position at work. I often used my driving time to catch up with family and friends on the phone. Because when I got home, my feet hit the floor running and rarely had time to relax. So I guess I can relate to your friend.

2nd is perhaps DH has become very controlling of her at home? I have seen this behaviour before. It would also explain why the flowers and no visit. Her time is not " her" time. If I am right, its easier for her to maintain what she can of her friendships away from DH.
You may want to gently ask her sometime...but be prepared - even if its true- she will probably deny and defend him.

But on a side note...I have very few friends. I value our honesty and diversity of lifestyles. Most of them I only actually "speak" to or see a few times a year...one more often. I do have a bunch of sisters too...

I do wish I had a friend that has never met my SO. I want badly to air out my anger sometimes, but would never disrespect him to my family or friends. (they of course would side with me, without ever getting to hear my faults)

I also don't demand, only that those I call friends respect my likes,"quirks" and dislikes as I do theirs.

Salgal, thanks for your thoughts. Yes I agree with both your observations. My feeling is that things have shifted.
For me, a friend is someone who is there for you when needed. Even if what you are saying is true about her DH, I can't imagine that she can't find some time every six months or so.
In my friend's case I am guessing that it is not that he is controlling, but needy. With all his OCD tendencies, he has all of one friend. My friend threw him a surprise party and all the guests were really all her friends except for one man. I think if she accepted calls at home it would be very blatant how he gets none at all.
I think I will probably have to let this friendship go. I will however send her a card saying I hope we can reconnect at some point. This way the ball is in her court if ever she wants to get in touch.
Salgal, a good therapist would be helpful for you to be able to work through your angry feelings.

Honesty is paramount
Openess is up there

Put the two together and I find that I get trust and respect, so all of those.

I have only written off one friend completely and utterly, and nothing they do will ever "win" me back. Weirdness, but it has nothing to do with the four listed above. It's not that I expected anything from her, but after having helped her and her family out after a hurricaine, Hurricane Frank, I believe, I thought she'd have found me after the historic flood that hit where I lived and where she'd grown up. Not a word. I emailed her through facebook to let her know I was ok. She emailed back to call her. The end. Unfriended her in every way possible.

How can someone you've known for decades, same high school, car pool, after school activities (which included away football games, trips out of town...), best friends forever!!!!! before there were BFFs, sleded together, played cards, was a roommate at university, and you kept connected after communications were difficult for her and her family... refuse to call you? I would think they'd want to call you. Not that it'd be an imposition. That really wounded me beyond repair.

I had a neighbor, who offered for me to use their phone the day of the flood (mine was DEAD!!) and come in from standing in the water. We'd only said hello before. I had friends I'd only known for months who offered to pay for a rental car because mine had been flooded. Work paid for all my groceries. Other loads of huge and small ways of wanting to help and not even one stinking call unless I made it? What kind of friend is that???!!!! She never called either (it's been four years, I think I can say never). She did try to friend me on Facebook later on, but now she's not on at all. Wonder what happened to her? Oh well.

Salgal - I think I get what you mean. I'm not angry with my DH but boy do I get mad at him sometimes (and given that I know I'm not perfect he gets mad at me as well) and it is nice to have a friend to just vent to/with every once in a while. And that's what my friend and I do. We vent about our kids (we both have 2 boys the same ages) when they do stupid things - as they get older that happens less frequently, occasionally vent about our MIL's and about our DH's. There is a lot of laughter when we're doing that because we realize how silly it can all be but so frustrating at the same time.

I have only deliberately ended one friendship and that's because this women suddenly became very critical of my Dh and my son. My son is the same age as her son and they went through school together. They still hang out together but I no longer see the mom. Nobody get's to criticize my family except me. ;-)

I have had 2 friends that were so clingy that they drove me away. I couldn't' go through a day without numerous calls. I couldn't go anywhere with other friends without them getting mad. I finally had to end the friendships. Both have problems with having more then one friend at a time. Funny thing is I found out they were friends at one time. I bet this was cozy!!!

I am one that enjoys my friends but also my alone time. I have children and grandchildren I want to spend time with. Neither of them get along with their families. They often go months and months without seeing them or hearing from them. Some grandchildren they don't see until Christmas rolls around. What does that tell you?

Do I miss them? Absolutely not. Life is way to short to have people that want to control your life. Life is what you make of it.

All of you presented excellent ideas for us to think about. Nicole presented some great thoughts. I cannot demand anything thing from anybody, but I too have lost many friends because of my behavior and have made a concentrated effort to change ME. Only ME can do that. I have noticed that after DH has passed away some of the couples have sort of dropped me, but I also remember reading several times that unconsciously they are ""afraid"" that a single person without a spouse Might want their spouse, so I have backed off going over to visit. If it is a family, less stress, and truthfully, some old men and old women do get strange ideas. Just my thoughts.

I'm one of those who hates the phone and will avoid answering it unless it's family. I have severe hearing loss and it's so difficult to listen with out seeing lips as I depend on lip reading. All my friends know this but they forget and call. I email them back and say what I just stated and they do it again. Just today I've had four calls. No one has dropped me or even mentioned it annoys them. We have to overlook little flaws, they're not mean spirited but can be irksome to others. I see no problem with a person calling on the way home from work, heck the purpose is to connect with another. From the point of view of the question posed, then I should be the annoyed one as I'm the one with the difficulty and even my husband forgets. Having a great sense of humor can get you over these little quirks people have and as long as they respect you and hold you in good esteem, well that's all that's required in my book.

I hope you don't mean me? I didn't really give all of the info. I did ask her more and she clarified she wasn't about to call me. Nor did she email me, or text me, snail me, or wanted anything to do with finding out if I needed anything, how I was, how my family was... that's not a friend. In any way whatsoever. I made really sure that she was saying what she was saying. It was more than irksome. This was several back and forths. Yes, I didn't tell you all of it, but what does it matter? since that's what it boiled down to. Too bad she wanted nothing to do with me, but since that was her choice, I accept it. I am really really easy to find too. She just didn't want anything else, and that is fine. Why make any efforts. I forgive her, but relationship? Nope.

I wish, with all my heart, that my mom would do what you do. She is really hard of hearing but refuses to go to texting or email. All of her friends were emailing and texting me all day yesterday. So if her friends do it, why she won't, especially since she cannot hear one dang thing... I don't know. I'd love to accommodate her, but I just don't think I can talk any louder or her hear any better, hence, my wish for writing it somehow. Oddest of all, she'll email me all day long at work. Not at home?

Thank you for your time and contributions. I'm the only girl in a family of 6. I have 5 great brothers and often wish I had been born a boy as well. Happy though that my dad got his wish for a girl and I was in his life until he passed away when I was 13. Growing up I spent most of my time with my brothers doing "boy" things and I really enjoyed it. I tried having "girlfriends" but all they did was hang out with me because they had crushes on my brothers. When I did establish a "friendship" those girls stabbed me in the back with lies and name calling. I've had really great friends as I grew older, in my late teens I had two really great friends that I knew I could trust with anything. One moved, married and had kids - we lost touch with one another, the other one passed away. More friends and more dissapointments as I grew older. A week before my wedding a "friend" called and said she wouldn't be going to the wedding and our relationship was over. I didn't get that. A couple years later when she wanted to be friends again she apologized and said she was jealous that I was so happy. At 38 it was my first marriage, she'd already been married and had a son. I let her back in my life slowly. Her son died unexpectantly and she attempted suicide. I tried to help her and did all I could for a couple of years but eventually had to get out of that relationship as it was wearing on me both physically and emotionally. Another friend who was married with kids was truly a unique individual. I really treasured what we had until she started having extramarital affairs and expected me to remain quiet about that. I had to back out of that relationship and to my surprise she passed away last year.
I've concluded that growing up with 5 brothers and no sisters that perhaps I don't understand women. I have no patience for gossip and lies, for manipulation and so many of the qualities I've seen in so many women over my life. I tend to tell it as it is but I would never want to offend or hurt someone with words or actions. I try to live an exemplarary life both socially and professionally. I do have standards. I don't like bad language and will ask customers that come into my office to refrain from using bad language in front of me if they are swearing. I do it tastefully and have never had it backfire on me.
I could go on and on about "friends" but I won't. The reason I pondered this question in the first place is that I had learned something on Monday about my former boss who I'd been friends with for more than 20 years. A man this time. I worked for him for 11 years when he retired in Dec. of 2013. The whole time I worked for him I never questioned his actions or motives etc. I had a great deal of respect for him and I knew I could trust him just as he knew he could trust me. A few of the last years we worked together our agency earned a bonus. When the bonus was announced he sat down with me (and Hubby - we both worked for him) and said that he would split the bonus with us because he wouldn't have gotten it without us. So to make a very long story short we recently found out that the bonus amounts weren't exactly split. We were led to believe we were receiving 50% when in fact it was less than 15%. We are talking 100k in bonus. I never questioned his generosity with sharing the bonus with us and to how much the actual take was. I knew he was trustworthy and wouldn't screw us. Boy was I wrong. It's money and when you work hard for someone for 11 years and trust that person the way we did, this was hard to swallow. I haven't decided if this friendship is over or not. He retired and will travel this year so it's not like I will see him. I stay in touch with them through facebook but nothing else for the time being.
Friends just keep dissapointing me and sometimes I just don't see the need for it. I think I need to focus on this some more.
Thank you again.

Yaya, it's not just the car calls, it is also my friend never answering her phone other than on her way home in the car. Like Rob and her friend, we have known each other over 40 years and have confided in each other on many occasions. I think I was also shocked when she did not visit me after major surgery. And I can relate to Rob again in that it hurt more seeing others who stepped up and showed caring and concern, and they were coworkers or neighbors, not a life time friend! Her response was why did I let this fester for a year? Instead of admitting that she dropped the ball by not coming to see me.

How things stand now: I emailed last telling her to call me on her way home, then I tried actually calling her but she was on another call and I left a message. She is extremely upset with me because I called her on the fact that she was screening her calls. She is! One time I was so frustrated after yet another call to voice mail, I called on a private line right after. She answered that call, but I hung up. I have not told her this. What I did say was that , statistically it's impossible to never be able to get through.

For her to deny that she screens her calls is ridiculous. We all do it! But the difference is we call back within a reasonable time frame.

The more I write about this, the more I see how ridiculous I am to think I should save this friendship. I hate leaving things on a negative note though. So, I have to come up with something I feel comfortable with.

I kinda accept my friends as they are. I understand and appreciate the differences between us. I've had some of my friends for close to 60 years. I hope they accept me for who and what I am as well.

I kinda accept my friends as they are. I understand and appreciate the differences between us. I've had some of my friends for close to 60 years. I hope they accept me for who and what I am as well.

Been married for 52 plus years to my BEST friend. I KNOW he and I pretty much accept each other and each other's quirks.

This post was edited by redcurls on Wed, Feb 26, 14 at 13:58