Thanks for all the kind comments, you guys are so sweet. Eileen, I now have 5. Devin-13, Charlie 2.5, Nina 2.1, Jack, 8 weeks or so, and finally Anna few days old. Devin is out there by himself in the age grouping. I had to wait a long time for the new group. Of the last group, Jenny had the girls, and Mary Kate had the boys. Confusing enough? I hope to get a picture of the whole crew soon. Chelone, thank you for your kind thoughts:) Good point on the SS. I just wonder where they are all going to work, but I can't think about that kind of stuff or I'll have a panic attack, LOL. There is a reason people my age do not have children. I often wonder how with my worrywart personality how I managed to raise 4 normal kids. Hope you all have a good day! Drema

And she's lovely!!

Hi LisaMarie, It's nice that I'm no longer the only one who is FSM to a child who is not biologically related to SO. In my case, the guy who got BM pregnant (and then threatened to kill her) has been in and out of jail for the past decade and has never met "his" son. My BF started seeing BM when A__ (now age 9) was a month or two old and they were together for three years. BF is the only dad A__ has ever had. Just a little forewarning for you, there are occasionally people (both on the board and in real-world) who won't respect your connection to FSD, since she is not biologically your FDH's daughter. Ignore them. Anyhow, moving along... I was pretty alarmed to hear that she doesn't know FDH isn't her biological parent. A__ knows that "Mom had a different boyfriend when she got pregnant with me, and Dad became my dad when I was a little baby". I don't think he really understands genetics (considering that he's 9) but it's good that he knows. I don't think now (with all the other turmoil) is a good time to spring on FSD that her dad isn't her dad... But it's definitely something that will have to be addressed soonish. IMO, it's better to tell her when she's young enough that she has to get over it because she depends on FDH for food and shelter and the like. Maybe that's an odd viewpoint though. Anyhow, I'm also a motherless daughter (although I lost mine to cancer when I was 16). I was done with my first period, first boyfriend, and first breakup. I was about to start grade 12 and I was doing well in school. I had siblings I was close to and didn't have to move... and it was still really hard to figure out my place and learn how to navigate my life! I can't imagine how lost she feels right now! Even if her mom wasn't involved in her life, she has lost the opportunity to get her mom back, to have all of those things that mothers do with daughters. Another poster mentioned that you need to make a special place in FSD's life for her mom... And I totally agree! If you have photos or any personal objects, they could go into a few frames or a shadow box and up in her bedroom. FDH should sit down and write some stories for FSD about things Mommy did with her when she was a baby - anecdotes, worries, parenting style, etc - if you have some photos, get copies of them made and try to include a photo of FSD or BM with each one. FDH is her link to her mom now, and he needs to be able to talk about her mom so that she doesn't feel totally without. I agree with other posters about the "Big Sister" pin for the shower, and having her responsible for a shower game or something. She should get a little moment in the sun, but realize it isn't a shower for her. Oh, about always having roommates and such, my BF always had roommates too, so A__ shared his room when he was over, or more recently, slept on the couch. I understand that circumstances aren't always ideal, so don't feel that you owe anyone any explanations over that FDH wasn't able to provide a room for her previously. Housing is expensive and I assume FDH was doing the best he could. About how FSD treats you poorly... My guess is that she partially doesn't realize it, partially knows she can get away with it, and partially after lots of it, you may be oversensitive to it. I know I can be oversensitive when A__'s being a handful, or whips out some rude comment, and sometimes I just have to remind myself that I shouldn't take everything personally. My first question would be - what is Grandma and Grandpa's relationship like? Does GM do all the work while GP sits on his tooshie? If FSD is used to seeing GM get fresh towels for GP and her, and make snacks on demand for GP and her, etc, then she may think that this is just how relationships work and that the female adult partner does everything for everybody else on command. If that's not the structure of Gm and GP's relationship, my theory is out the window. As for GM's suggestion that you have to do fun things with her to make her like you, I say bullsh17! Personally, I think A__ and I bonded better on Saturday night when we wrote secret messages with salt water on black construction paper (the water evaporates and the salt crystalizes) than we did on Saturday afternoon when we were all at the arcade together. Little things, day to day things, are way more important, IMO, than "Disneyland" activities. I think you're better off to be going to her soccer practice every Wednesday than doing extravagant things every weekend. When I do fun things with A__, I tell him it's because I want us to have fun together. I have canceled fun plans because he pulled attitude on me and was rude all morning, so I said "The plan was for you and I to go have fun this afternoon, but with your bad attitude, I won't be having any fun, so I no longer want to go. We can stay home." I've used this on my multitude of nieces and nephews too, and it works extremely well to make them behave better to earn back the fun activities. I know that this is hard for everyone, but I think you've done most of what you can do (talking reasonably to FDH, talking reasonably to FSD, etc) and what she probably needs right now is time to get her head on straight while you're patient and try to help where you can. This isn't going to be easy, and I wish you luck!

To answer your question about how to get your name. Go to your houzz icon up in the top right corner of the page, and click on the little icon, and then click on edit profile, and then scroll down to Profile Information First name (publicly displayed) in that spot type in the name you want to use here as your name and save the changes. Hope that helps.