Good advice here. I agree that she's probably rather depressed and probably needs a nudge from you. My mom had to move in with my sister six months ago and it's been hard on her mentally. She very much appreciates not having to go to a "home," but misses her house terribly. She is much frailer and older than your mom, but my ds and I tried to get her to go back to her exercise class which she had loved for years. She went on Monday but wasn't happy; between the embarrassment of not being able to do hardly anything--she used to be very good at it--and the physical tiredness, she decided she won't go back. Might your mom be interested in one of these classes? Of course it involves you driving her there and back.

I also think it might be a good idea for you to speak up and ask her for help well ahead of time, assuming the request you made yesterday that was ignored, was unusual. Perhaps she doesn't realize you need help? Having an extra person around who doesn't pitch in can be difficult! Try to have a little heart-to-heart chat with her, if possible.

Thanks for the input so far. Yes, I'm frustrated and I try to be very careful not to impose that on her. I should have also mentioned that mom does not drive right now but when the weather breaks (were in Wisconsin) I will resume teaching her so that she take can take short trips to the nursing home. We are in the middle of nowhere and she's not real comfortable once she gets into traffic. Yes she goes to church on Sunday. One of my brothers takes her and they have outreach programs but my mom has never been one to take part in them. It's another thing that has always frustrated, the good christian she is but that's another matter. I've suggested she has her friends over for lunch but she finds some reason to not do that. I've also suggested she start a monthly bible study, she hasn't done that. She has lived with us since Nov 2012 and hasn't had one friend over. She is not a social butterfly unless it is with church people but I don't see her attempting to make any effort. She tells me she feels alone in caring for her husband, he's not my dad. They married in 1999. None of their friends go see him or come to see her. She doesn't make any effort to see her friends and my thinking is they wouldn't make the effort if she didn't. I wish she would volunteer especially at the nursing home but mom is not a caretaker. I took care of her mom for the last year of her life, mom didn't wan't any part of that.
I wouldn't even entertain the idea of depression or suggesting she talk to her doctor, she hates doctors and won't take their advise. Her doctor has tried to put her on meds (cholesterol) for 2 years now, she refuses. Hates taking pills but takes about 20 vitamins a day.
We've all talked to her about her inactivity and she promises to do more but I just don't see it. As for when the weather breaks I've tried to encourage pot gardening for her. We have a couple of acres, I have 8 large beds that I tend and for her I've done some pots on the decks so that she can help and get some fresh produce for herself. She won't work in the beds, we have snakes and she is deathly afraid of them. We also have a pool, purchased a very large set of steps last year because I wanted her to try and get in. She has allot of problems with her legs, very very tiny and the the muscles started breaking down ages ago. She wouldn't even try it.
I know I can't force her into doing anything she doesn't want to do but certainly I can encourage it. We have a very large family, she has 6 kids, myself and 5 sons. She has 16 grandkids and 3 going on 4 great grandkids. I thought it would be nice if I could find something that she could make for gifts. She loves homemade pot holders that a friend makes, crochets them. I found a small loom that she could make them herself. I think I may purchase it and give it to her to make some potholders. If she doesn't like to do it then worse case scenario I will have another project that I can work on.
I've never treated her as though she is a guest. As a matter of fact she was very upset with me for the longest time because she didn't feel as though I had rolled out the red carpet for her to move in with us. That's another story though.

I am 5 years younger than your mother, live in our house where we raised our kids with my DH. I find I have little that I have to do with the kids grown and out on their own.

Now that I have more aches and pains, I avoid doing some things to avoid increasing the aches and pains. I am sure I appear lazy to people who do not know my situation. Until recently, when I was rear ended on the freeway by a texting driver, I was doing rather well. I loved to knit or crochet a few hours every day, and usually while I watched a favorite tv show that I record.

I like to make baby clothing and blankets. I will make things for back up gifts for surprise birth announcements, and my kids know if they need a baby gift, I love to supply them with the results of some of my favorite patterns or new experiments.

Perhaps at church, there is a charity knitting or crocheting group she could be a part of. Can you help her find some books that interest her too?

I would guess she is a little depressed to be living with you and not out on her own, no matter how lovely the accommodations are that you provide. It can be depressing to get old. As Helen Hayes used to say, "Old age is not for sissies!" Is she eating a well balanced diet so that she is feeling her best?

I find I forget things I had intended to do, or get distracted by another little chore these days. I suspect that is part of aging too. That could be happening to her too.

Try planning menus for dinner with her, and asking her to make the salad or prepare the vegetables for cooking later at her own pace during the day. Ask her to make a favorite dessert that you remember, but not one that is elaborate and involves lots of steps.

You are a kind and loving daughter to see her needs as you do and to try meeting them.

I am a couple years younger, will be 75 in the spring. My husband passed away a yr and half ago, and I live on my own. Quite honestly, I would never want to live with any of my kids. I think I would feel the same way as your mom, if most of my independence was gone. I want my own home, and my own stuff, and my own life. I just finished taping and mudding ceilings and walls in my hall, dining room and kitchen after new sheetrock was put up. Then, sanded, primed and painted. I also babysit 3 great grand kids, 4,2,1 several days a week. Living with one of the kids, would take away all that independence, and I am pretty sure, I would get depressed too. I think it is wonderful, you have a place for your mom, and are willing to have her with you, but, is it what your mom wants out of life??

Has she expressed to you that she is bored, depressed or that she feels the need to have something to do...It sounds to me like you were a little annoyed at her yesterday and now want to improve her life to keep her out from under your feet....

I would suggest that if you want her help on Sunday ask her to come down early and help you...She may not be aware that you resent that she doesn't help. I know with my girls, I sometimes feel like they would just rather do it themselves and am hesitant to get involved..

Another thing is that I am going to be 75 soon and I have pretty much done all of those things including volunteer work and am not interested in doing more than the things that I have chosen to do...I admit that I am very active but still don't want anyone telling me what I need to do....Perhaps you should just leave her be and let her decide...I feel I have earned the right to do just what I want to do and as selfish as that sounds.....it's my time and I want to enjoy sometimes just doing nothing...

My MIL lived with us for a number of years and she also didn't have much interest in doing anything...She did watch tv and she had her bible study things too but she was happy and I felt it best to leave her be. I reached a point where I was not comfortable with her helping with the meal because I felt like I needed to make sure that she used a clean dish or was sanitary with her help...

Maybe you just need to relax and let her live her life as she sees fit...

Does she belong to or has she joined a church in your area? When I think about it, almost half of my mothers activities (will be 87 this April) involve her church. She goes to a bible study group Thursday mornings, and there is 'homework', studying from that requiring some hours during the week to prepare for the next class. She helps by setting the tables for memorial lunches following funerals there. Service on Sunday mornings - she used to go to the evening service too but her contemporaries have quit that service, they no longer drive after dark ;) Choir practice, and her choir sings at about a dozen of the area assisted living places weekday afternoons during the year, there are rehearsals for that. She sometimes volunteers at the food bank through her church, repackaging bulk foods....but not as often any more, it means long hours over a counter and she does have osteoporosis in her spine, some pain. Her church hold a senior dinner occasionally where younger members pick the seniors up, drive them to a buffet dinner so those who don't get out very much at least have that opportunity.

Other than church: She belongs to a ukulele group and they both perform & hold regular practices. She swims at the Y, water aerobics, 5 times a week. Belongs to two lunch groups for seniors, one where they meet and bring a sack lunch and another where they have lunch out at a different place once a month.

She is driving, locally only, no highway driving and little after dark unless she's gone to evening swim. There was a period of 6 months last year where she was not driving though, and with senior (to her door and back) bus service, volunteers picking her up, she missed just a few of her activities - it is possible to be out and active even if not driving a car. Another story, but we had her evaluated by an occupational therapist and her driving skills tested by him to see if she could or should drive again, he gave his OK and took that responsibility for us, it hasn't come to 'my daughter won't let me'.

It's not perfect and she isn't always happy. She is in her own home and probably should not be, her nutrition is awful and worries me constantly. Frozen meals heated in the microwave.....but that's another story too. I'm two hours away so can't supervise it daily.

Not knowing how social your moms personality is of course, but it sounds like an awfully isolated life for someone just 77 years old when she could have more productive things to do?

Oh, I'm sorry. I got interrupted by a phone call before I posted my suggestions and now I see where she does belong to a church but hasn't shown interest in their activities. All I can suggest is that you encourage her, gently, to try. I wonder if it would work if you could put the focus on 'they could use her help with her health as good as it is', that she is needed, not that she has needs. I wish you luck, I know how frustrating wanting better for them can be.

two.25, I was just watering some houseplants and thinking about you, remembered I hadn't mentioned....

You said you would resume teaching her to drive. I wonder if making her a little less dependent on you where when you do have a little free time she is right there alongside, you had thought of paid lessons. Most cities have a driving school. It's not unusual to have seniors there for one on one personalized training with the school in my mom's city. Give her something to do for herself independent of you....

The occupational therapist who had made the recommendation my mother could drive did that with a condition, he asked that she take two brush up classes first to refresh her skills, then he would state in writing she was fit and capable of driving. She contacted her local driving school, one of the instructors came to her house and drove with her at the wheel twice as was asked, but it was not terribly expensive, charge was by the hour and I think it came to about 4 hours before the instructor was satisfied he'd covered a couple of areas where she could use some improvement. Like keeping both hands on the wheel, she had driven one handed for the therapist in her test ;)

Mom enjoyed the attention and the fact she'd aced a couple of classes, her self esteem isn't always what it could be.

Lots of good ideas. You mentioned she takes alot of vitamins and could this be a problem? Most people need only 1 vitium, but add some food supplements, such as extra Vit c etc. Has she had her Vit D level checked. Many people especially in the northern tier states run low. I know mine was. As for activities, could you talk to the pastor of her church? or some of the other people? Maybe if they asked for help that would make a difference. I know us seniors do kind of resent our kids asking us or offering help at times. We don't want to let go. So far I have a ton of activities I do since DH passed away but I do miss certain things. Just having someone outside the immediate family makes a difference. Maybe changing Doctors would help, meaning finding someone who would blend better with her.

Mom chose to live with us, I opened our doors and she came in. She had a condo about 1 hour away from us but she got to the point that she was scarred staying by herself. The nursing home her husband was in closed and they had a facility in my town, that is why we brought him there. At the time she couldn't drive, she couldn't see. That really forced the issue to move in with us to be closer to her husband and have the opportunity to visit with him. I take her on Tuesdays and my husband takes her on Friday's. I understand that she probably resents loosing her independence and having to move in with us. My concern is really two fold. I'm concerned for her health and most of all her mobility. I can't stress to you how small and tiny her legs are. I just bought her a new outfit for Christmas, I went to Chicos and got size 0 for the pants and 3 for the top. She's always carried extra weight on top and at this point she's having a hard time getting around. When she was younger she could always double cross her legs. If she doesn't become more active I'm concerned she will end up on a cane/walker or in a chair. This may sound selfish but that would put more work on me and it doesn't have to. Her mind is good, memory so so but it is what it is. I just worry that if she doesn't wake up every morning looking forward to doing something that she's really going to regress and for no other reason than laziness lack of desire. I know that sounds harsh but physically she is good. She is diabetic, not insulin dependent. She eats very healthy. Lots of greens, veggies, very little red meat, no pasta, very healthy bread, natural peanut butter and no preserved foods. She sees a nutritionalist.
I don't know, maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill but I'd like to see her do more for both herself and me as well. She was so excited to move in with us and told me she was going to make so much easier for me. That hasn't been that case and I don't expect her to make things easier for me, I do hope that she will just find more to do for herself. Sitting in a chair reading and watching Hallmark movies/waltons etc. isn't enough. She'll end up a veggie before we know it and once that happens there's no going back. As for her doing what she wants, I don't have a problem with that. I just wish she wanted to do more.

I'd be wondering about all those vitamins, as well. Does she really want to learn to drive? Do you feel she would be a safe driver, able to quickly turn her head and jam on the break if needed? Reflexes do deteriorate with age... Do you have a bus or taxi service in your town that would come out to your place?

Though you didn't ask, I'm kind of thinking you might need to ignore your mom a little bit more. I know that sounds mean! Sometimes, and this may not be your case, older people get a bit cranky and like to feel they're controlling things, which means being dis-agreeable with family members. She's just not gunna do what she doesn't want to do, even though keeping up her strength depends upon more activity. Other than walking the hall a couple of times a day, my mom does almost nothing, but will help, if asked and able, with small chores like folding laundry. Have you asked her to do very small things like this so she doesn't feel overwhelmed? Do you tell her you NEED her help? I hope I haven't offended you in any way. I tend to speak/write without filter sometimes. :)

Maybe ask earlier, a day or so ahead, whether she'd like to make a salad, a cake, etc. for Sunday dinner?

And call/remind her some time before she'd need to start, to get her mind working on it, then again just a bit before she'd need to start? You'll know whether these latter suggestions may be indicated.

Would she be interested in helping with dusting, etc. if, with her permission, it were scheduled and she knew that it was coming?

Some mentiooned swimming ... would she be interested in such, if it's available? That makes a substantial workout.

ole joyful ... thankful to still be in charge of running his own show (and I first hit the "f" of "funning" but thought you might figure I was making it up)

Our local Y has exercise classes for seniors. That might be some help if you can figure out how to get her there.

I love my daughter but I sure don't want to live with her. Is it at all possible to find her a small (like 1 bedroom) apartment in town or close to the nursing home so she could go visit her husband when she wanted instead of depending on when you want to/are able to take her? 77 is not that old--and I say that because I live in a 55+ community and see how active and how much fun 70+ people have. It's a shame that her last years seem to be so unhappy. I think you'd all be happier apart.

I also want to say I applaud you for taking her in and trying to make her feel at home. It isn't easy--we had my mother in her mid-stages of senile dementia and, as much as I loved her, she sure could pull my strings sometime.

2.25 - Do you have any family members near? I know you mentioned you had several brothers. I wonder if they could have Mom come and visit more often.

Since you work could you ask her to set the table and make a salad before you get home? That would help you out and give her something to do.

My Dad moved in with us when my Mom died. He was in his 80's and he wasn't in great health but was able to care for himself, make his breakfast and lunch and he even drove for 1 year - but we had to take his keys away when he left on a short errand, got lost, drove around for hours, ran out of gas and never thought to use his cell phone to call us.

Since he had been the sole care giver for my wheelchair confined Mom ( who was incredibly demanding) he was happy to give all that up and he spent his time watching TV, reading the paper, doing crossword puzzles, listening to music, walking around the yard and then telling me where the weeds were hiding (lol), napping in his chair and talking to the dogs and feeding them Raisin Bran out of the box. Dad didn't do anything to help me out and it never occurred to me to even ask him. But I didn't have a job and that made a big difference. He honestly seemed very content with his routine.

We tried to get him to go to the Senior Men's club which was only a mile away but he wasn't interested. He did attend church every Sunday but that was his only activity outside the house. My parents had lived over an hour away so he didn't know anyone when he moved in and didn't have any desire to go to social activities.

Our 3 kids are all out of the house so when Dad moved in my DH moved his study upstairs to an empty bedroom so Dad's bedroom could be on the first floor. We also had a full bath right off the kitchen that he used.

Even though my Dad was unbelievably low maintenance and easy to get along with I still made sure that he spent some time with my brothers. They were the ones that had to be reminded that Dad had 3 kids and just because I was his only daughter that didn't mean that I inherited ALL the responsibility. They thought they were helping but they really did little. Are you getting support from your siblings?

The vitamins seem to be excessive - have you spoken to her nutritionist? Perhaps you could ask the nutritionist to talk to your Mother about getting exercise.

I hope some of the suggestions that have been posted here will help. Good luck.
Maire

I'm wondering if you could possibly hire an elderly woman to be her companion or social outlet for a few days a week. They could play cards or games, or write cards to servicemen or do crafts to take to the nursing home where her husband resides. It may pull your mom out of her possible depression and get her to thinking of things beyond herself.

Is there a library in your area? Does she enjoy reading? Perhaps she should be told that one afternoon a week Is library day and she needs to go there. Perhaps there is a book club she could participate in.

Or is there a child care center in the area that she could go and read books to the children? It seems that more than anything she needs a reason to live and something to think of outside herself.

Just a thought..... Even tho her husband is a victim of Alzhimers , she may be missing him and feeling some anxiousness about only seeing him a few hours a week.... and perhaps not in private. Maybe 'that' depends on the relationship that they shared. I just turned 79 and do not get around well. I am more dependent on DH and DS than I am really comfortable with... but, DH and I have been together more than 60 years. He is so much a part of me, knowing that he is breathing beside me or watching tv in another room, or that he will pop thru the door is (and I expect would be)the high point of a lonely day. (Ala the "Notebook). The older I get, the more my memories 'bloom' at the sight of him (well, my heart has always skipped a beat at the sight of him)... or the things that remind me of him in our most young and hearts bursting with love for each other.

This Alzheimers business is so tragic. Your Mom could be in some stage of grieving for her 'lost' other half. I will confess, that path of life scares me, as MY body protests this aging process, while HIS mind becomes worrisome. I don't think I could or would love him any less.... and a few hours a week would never be enough. Would I tell my caregiver adult child that? Maybe not.

So... do encourage the driving lessons... I just had the cataract surgery and just got my DL renewed. I dislike having to depend on others to take me places.... and our small valley is not hard to drive in. Getting my walker or elec cart out of our car is my worst handicap in getting out and about...but do-able. A small apt. or living space nearer to DH might be a consideration too. She might even find herself filling a 'need' for others at the nursing home that would give her a sense of being useful.... and some insight into how others are coping with the disease. My heart goes out to your Mom and You. Nanny

I'm afraid it's all in the personality of the person. I'm almost 85, live with my daughter, am alone most of the day as everyone else in the house works. I really enjoy my time on the computer, read many news sites, blogs and forums and Facebook. I also read on my Kindle, do a few kitchen chores, make a meal once in awhile, in the summer using a walker take the dog outside. The only time I sit with the family is meal time and while we watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. I have a lift chair and computer, desk and chair in my bedroom and am perfectly happy with the setup.

I know this might sound drastic, but I was going to suggest getting her a dog. It would give her a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to have to go out when she takes the dog for a walk, and it would be a daily companion as you go off to work. Some other thoughts I have…..I'm just a year younger than your mother and have friends older than she is. One of my friends is 86 and still volunteering at the hospital. There are lots of volunteer jobs that don't require care giving like working at the hospital gift shop. If I were living with my daughter (that will never happen) I would feel like I was overstepping my bounds to do anything around the house so if you want her to do something you might ask her if she would mind folding the clothes or dusting or making a meal one or two nights (you miss her cooking and it would be such a treat). Most of all, if there is a retirement facility, not a nursing home, near you, that just might be the answer. There are so many things to do in those places. They have all kinds of activities groups and provide transportation to go to the grocery and other stores. You might want to look into something like that. There are many places that are not the stereo-type "home" that everyone is afraid of. You might check out a few of these places on your own and see if they offer some kind o trial living arrangement. You would just have to explain to her that you think she would be happier there because there would be people around at all times and she wouldn't be so lonely and if at any time she's not happy there she could always come back and live with you.

I;m getting older (61) and I'm fighting these issues myself.I live with my disabled husband. I retired in 2005 due to health issues. Hubby is confined to bed and needs a full-time caregiver (me). Our two daughters live in apartments in the same town, so they stop by every few days. I make it a point to go out every morning for breakfast. Two organizations that provide activities I can do are my church and my local public library. I've taken various bus trips, done crafts, done gentle yoga, belong to a weekly rosary prayer group and a monthly book discussion group. Contact your church and library for activities that might appeal to her.

I got to the point I resented my mom...she refused to drive (and had lived in las vegas with all sorts of traffic) and it broke my heart I had to give up caring for 2 of my grand dd's...I ended not being able to anyplace alone, including the simple shopping dh and I did....I sure hope you can find a solution among all the wonderful posts here...as it was,
she did become ill, and ended up in the local nursing home. again I was the only visitor (and her grands live in town) I guess I could have told them to go, but never imposed, sigh...

bless you!

You say your mom is diabetic, so I assume she is monitored for that and does see a doctor. I also assume that you are on her list of people who can exchange info with the doc. I would suggest that you call or make an appointment with the doc and tell him your concerns about your mom and see if he might suggest that she might need an antidepressant, and ask that he be a little more firm with her about what meds she needs to take, (the cholesterol med also). Does she allow you to be there when she sees the doc or the nutritionalist?

As long as she does have contact with a church, maybe that is another place to look. You say that she doesn't get involved with outreach or other activities on her own, so maybe you can urge that they are the ones that do the asking, rather than you suggesting it.

Maybe a heart-to-heart with her, (or as my father used to say, "a Dutch uncle talk) with her is the last option available. Tell her of your frustration and concerns.

My thoughts are with you in your endeavor to help your mom. As I mentioned, I'm the same age and have no family here in my town to be as kind to me as you and your family have been to her. Would you adopt me, please? I do love Wisconsin.

P.S. The suggestion of a dog may be a good one, if you can tolerate it in your house. I'm sure there are places where you might be able to find an older dog, a small dog, not an outside dog, but one that is more a lap dog, something that your mom can invest her time and attention to.

I do have a friend, not in the same situation as you, but her husband seemed to have early dementia and had to take a sudden retirement and became pretty depressed. They got a small dog (they had outside dogs) that her husband immediately became attached to and took his mind off himself and his problems. That dog would sit in his lap and he spoiled it rotten.

My widowed grandmother lived with my mother and me from the time my father left us when I was three. My mother supported herself, her mother, and me. From my perspective, you can be grateful that your mother isn't a suspicious, misanthropic old lady! (I know how my grandmother got that way, but it didn't help having to live with someone constantly under a black cloud.)

Your mom needs a physical. Now. Don't ask. Tell her to choose an MD or you will make an appointment with one that you choose. There is no way I would encourage her to drive without getting that done first. What is she avoiding? A 'nutritionist' and no MD? Really? Diabetic or not, she needs a physical and a blood workup.

DO your brothers and their families keep in touch with her? Do they need prompting (pinching)?

As I read all the responses here, I am struck by the benefits for Senior couples who move into supported living *before* one of them needs nursing or monitoring care.

In a three-stage facility, your mother could walk down the hall to see her husband. She could be 'in company' at meals -- or live more to herself in her own studio apartment. There would be encouragement to participate in activities on site -- and transportation to the grocery and entertainments. She could invite *you* to dinners. She would be living among her peers.

My MIL was much happier once she gave up her apartment (and the revolving door of caregivers/maids). The graduated-care nursing home she lived in gave her some other people to think about -- fellow residents and staffers. The home's MD prescribed a mild anti-depressant too. Her RA could be observed and treated with more fine-tuning. We were ALL happier.

(Note to Self: Remember this.)

Sorry, I've been busy and haven't back since yesterday. I do so appreciate all the time you all have given me on this situation. One or our challenges is that we are very rural. Going to town is about a 20 minute drive. As for the driving, I think mom is afraid to drive and figures if hubby, my brothers and myself have everthing covered then she really doesn't have to. Yes, brothers help. The ones that are local anyway. Two brothers take her once a month to the nursing home, take her and her husband out to lunch (outside of the facility), they will go to a drive thru and eat in the car. Another brother takes her to church on average a couple times a month. He's a long haul truck driver and not always possible to be home on Sunday. Another brother gives me a break and has mom stay with him and his family for a few days at a time. Dog, not an option. Mom is not an animal lover, we have 8 cats as well. She tolerates them and we actually keep them in the basement when we are at work. Tripping hazard.
We've checked into independent living, she gravitates towards and then pushes away. She is not a social butterfly and really only associates with church people. I've tried to encourage volunteering at the soup kitchen, shelters, anything to keep her moving and to focus on others but she isn't interested. She did tell me she is going to start working at the healing rooms one Saturday a month with a lady from the church.
Mom has a primary doctor and sees a cardioligist as well. They run test, make suggestions, prescribe pills and she refuses to take them. That's the way it is and I'm not going to change that. She takes medication for the diabetes and really is a very healthy eater, hasn't had too many complications with the diabetes. She does have nerve damage and we have to be very careful with her feet. Mom prays for everything and gets her answers her way. Most of the time the answers she gets are the ones she wants but that's another story. I am fighting a losing battle when it comes to prescription drugs/test etc. I will have the conversation once and that is it. If something happens as a result I have come to the conclusion that life is about choices and she has made her choices. I'm ok with that.
I guess the thing that brought this on is that this past Tuesday because of the weather we couldn't go anywhere and that is not the norm. I saw firsthand how little she was doing for the entire day and that is what concerns me. I will take your advice and try to get her more involved in Sunday dinners. Weekly dinners aren't really an option. She eats around 4 pm, we don't get home till 5:45 and dinner around 6:30. She is in bed at 8. I started coming up with some small tasks that she can do for me on a daily basis, I'm going to present her with that this weekend and explain to her that it would help me out. I've tried to avoid this kind of thing because if you think about it in the long run it will be more work for me and more for her to resist. I'll update you as we go. Thank you again for all your time and thought.
Maxmom I'm sorry, no adoptions right now. My hands are full.

I volunteer 2 days a week at our hospital and I've never had such fun--mainly b/c I work with some fun, wonderful people, and it makes me feel so good to help someone. There are different areas of volunteerism if she's not computer literate--I work the front desk and find patients for visitors and often carry someone to the ER whose patient has been airlifted in, or come by ambulance. A lot of these people have never even been to Tyler and they're upset first of all, and don't have a clue as to what to do. So, I take them and stay with them til they are called back to join their patient. We have some volunteers that have very simple jobs b/c they are physically impaired and the jobs are very simple almost to the point they're not necessary, but these people enjoy helping anyway.

I have volunteered at schools for years--mainly listening to them read. I have friends that volunteer at the library reshelving books, the Salvation Army always needs help. The dog pound has volunteers, the nursing homes have them, our police department has them.

When I really help some scared family member find their patient, and I take them and they don't have to look for their way around, I feel so good. I think it makes me feel better than it makes them feel. I also deliver mail and sometimes will open the card and read it to the patient depending on their condition. If I stayed cooped up in a house I've be a raving maniac.

Ah-hah! She does have an MD, but won't do as she's told about meds. I gotcha. (What a pain!)

You know, I would just let her poke around as she wishes and forget about trying to 'help' her improve her mobility or have outside interests. She Doesn't Want To Do It. Perhaps if you let up completely, she will decide on her own...or not. At least you won't be beating a dead horse. Expect *nothing*.

Glad your brothers do some of the Mom Care.

I had to come to terms with my own MIL. I decided to just honor her AS my MIL, but not get drawn into any of her dramas. It was funny; once I settled in my own mind how far I'd go -- to be a good DIL -- she stopped having hissy fits. It just didn't unsettle me any more.

If she is that tiny and inactive there is a good chance she has osteoporosis.

I would seriously think about a first floor bedroom. A broken hip from falling down the stairs is often the beginning of the end. At 77, several trips a day up and down the stairs might be risky, especially when you are not home.

Do you have kids that might be able to encourage her to become more engaged? Nothing excites my mother more than her grandchildren.

Good luck.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and suggestions and for taking your time to comment. I've decided I will just let things be and try not to get too upset with mom's inactivity. I've made suggestions, asked for assistance and have determined that she is just going to do what she wants to do and she resents in her own way my suggestions and request for assistance. Tomorrow is my day off and she has me booked solid with doctors appointments and errands. We will be seeing her primary doctor and another appointment is for a bone density test. I've asked her 3 times to write down for me the appointment times, locations etc. so that if there is time allowed in between or after that maybe I can get some things done that I need to do. She just won't give me this information, she tells me that while I was driving us to my soon to be grand nephews baby shower that she told me everything and that she didn't need to write it down. It's really not that difficult a task that I was asking but clearly she has a problem with the fact that I asked.
Sunday I told her I would have dinner at 4:30. We'd start with a salad and I'd make a pork roast, parslied potatoes and carrots. I would wash all the veggies for the salad if she could put the salad together that would be great. Well she came down at 4:45 and asked if there was anything that needed to be done. I grabbed my plate and left the room. The thing that annoys me most is that if one of my brothers had asked these things of her she would have done it in a heartbeat, no lip, no hesitation. Heck, she probably would have offered to do more.
Mothers, love them lots and I certainly respect her but this is very difficult.
Moving her downstairs right now is not possible. If the time comes we have it figured out that she will take the office and we'll have to do some renovations to our half bath which will include losing my laundry room so that we are able to accomodate a bath/shower etc. Financially that is more than I can handle right now and truthfully I think if we did that she'd really become reclusive and even more innactive. We don't have children and she has 16 grand children and 3 great granchildren. Let's just say she is a better mom than a grandmother. She's really not into that grandmother thing.
So like I said, I will grin and bear this. I will continue to ask for assistance but if I don't get it, I'm not going to sweat it. It's just not worth getting upset over.
Thank you again and have a great day.

Sounds to me like you have a lot of issues and your mother is just a small part of the issues...

you said...
she .is just going to do what she wants to do to me that is just the way it should be...

.If she isn't helping to your satisfaction then you should just handle that on a case by case situation...You could have called her down before the appointed hour and asked for her help right then and there...Mom come down and make the salad for me, instead of a day or days ahead of time..........

as I said...I think you have lots of issues...not necessarily all about what you are discussing here...

I think if you work on yourself some and maybe cut your Mother some slack you might not be as uptight with everything...I think you need to think back and remember the number of years that your Mother did for you...

Your remark, I will continue to ask for assistance but if I don't get it, I'm not going to sweat it. It's just not worth getting upset over. is a very wise decision...

My daughter's (biologically and otherwise) have always been kind and considerate and there for us but honestly when I read posts like yours, and I see them often, it makes me dread the day that I might be dependent on one of our children...I know it isn't easy, I had my MIL for a long time, but I read a whole lot more into this post than what you are actually saying...I think you have your own issues you need to work on that don't involve your Mother....

I think you're doing the best you possibly can, Two. Again, some people as they age and lose independence can get a little difficult; perhaps it's a control issue? Maybe when a person doesn't have much control anymore, he/she takes it where she/he can find it. I wish you could talk to your mom about this, but she might pretend to have no idea what you're talking about. If one is away from the situation it can look a little funny, and frankly you have to take your smiles when they present themselves. I do think you should get those bros more involved!! Be a little bossy. :)

I have written so many responses to this thread.... none of them could I post. I feel very sorry for Mom.... having given up and had taken away her former life. She has LOST her husband... not to death, but something worse with no 'end' for awhile.... a sort of grief that we, as a society, have not learned to deal with. Then she took an 'option' that has not been as loving and nurturing as she had expected.

Who wants to eat 3 meals a day ALONE.... Who wants to rattle around 'upstairs' in a 3 bedroom suite ALONE. What makes a family meal once a week... with tension about who does/does not do what. What makes mealtime (once a week) an event to anticipate... look forward to, prepare for and participate in?

Even a nursing home recognizes that people need interaction with people... especially at mealtimes. Your Mom is in a new environment.... some miles from former friends. YOU need to invite them into YOUR home. You need to include your Mom into YOUR life and make it OUR LIFE TOGETHER for these few years while she has good health.

So sorry to be so blunt and harsh... but MY story came too close to the one your Mom is living. I hope you "get it". And, I really am sorry that this milestone in your life has started on the wrong foot. Gosh, this is so painful to think about... it must be very painful for all involved. (((((HUGS))))) Nanny

First off, mom does not have it all that bad. Tuesdays are spent with me running errands, seeing her husband in the nursing home and shopping if that's what she wants. Fridays, my husband takes her to see her husband and errands as well. Monday, Wednesday or Thursday she is usually out with a friend that takes her out for more activities or dr. appointments etc. that I can't do. She pays her for this. Saturday's she's home with us and Sunday a brother (if he can ) will take her to church and lunch. She never asks him to take her to the nursing home to see hubby, she see's him only on Friday and Tuesday but that is by her choice. I know she's hesitant to see him more than that because she fears the bad days when he doesn't remember her or he's pacing the entire time.
Mom stays upstairs because she chooses to. When I come home from work I need to get dinner for my husband and I, change and get comfortable and numerous other things that have to be done. Mom goes to sleep at 8 so she has to eat early and generally does around 4:45. We get in at 5:35 to 5:45 which is too late for her to eat. I have asked her to come downstairs when we get home so that I can catch up with her but she doesn't want to, instead she insist that I drop what I need to do and go upstairs and check in with her. There's just no give and take and that's the difficult part of this. Nanny98, mom makes certain choices to stay away from us. We invite her to watch movies with us, go to functions etc. I work full time, I only have so much time right now. My mom is perfectly capable of inviting her friends to our home, I don't need to do that. If I did, she'd be upset and feel that I was controlling her life. You see from this perspective you can easily get caught in that catch 22. I have asked her to host functions weekly or monthly but she chooses not to. She has full run of our home 3 days a week which is more than I have. Yes, she has given up allot but she has had everything she wanted in life and living with us has greatly reduced her workload. I do her finances and keep a nice, safe roof over her head. If she needs something, I take care of it. She's healthy for the most part and is capable of making choices for herself, if I start making them for her now she could easily come to resent me. I've done this before with her mother so really, I'm familiar with the challenges.
All I wish is that she would be more active and contribute some to the household things that need to be done. Even the family has noticed she doesn't do much and they are also concerned that if she doesn't do more she will become non-ambulatory. It doesn't have to be that way and that's why I get frustrated. The Christmas decorations are still up in the dining room. At some point I will end up putting that away because she hasn't. It's really not that difficult a thing to do but for some reason she won't do it. I don't believe that she would just assume I do it but she knows that I will eventually.

Is it possible that your mother is trying to cover memory problems? She appears to be *hiding* -- limiting interactions with you and with others. It would be very frightening for her to think that, like her husband's, her own mind is going.

The mother of a childhood friend could put up a convincing 'front' if a conversation was not prolonged. She had quite a 'patter' on the telephone if she answered when I called my friend. I was unaware for a long time that she had no idea who I was and would frequently forget to tell my friend about calls.

You might call ahead and ask her MD to include some memory tests at her exam tomorrow. Anyone treating geriatric patients should be able to work these into the conversation as "routine' parts of the visit,

I would just leave her be. If it helps, just think of it as payback time for all the meal prep and cleaning she did for you while you were under her roof. :)

Or you could play hardball and stop doing her dishes or her laundry or cleaning her rooms/bathrooms or any of the other things you do for her that she won't help in. Explain that you're happy to help her but you won't do it for her as she is perfectly capable of helping. Maybe phrase it as her "rent" so maybe she won't feel guilty about being a burden.

You could even tie it to all the things you do for her (taking her to visit DH, taking her to the store, etc) if you really need her to help out. Refuse to take her if she won't help. It's a little harsh so it entirely depends on your relationship and how frustrated you are.

I wonder if the stairs plays any role in it. Maybe she won't admit it as it makes her sound weak but I'm only 30 and I hate my stairs. I hate carrying laundry baskets up and down and if I hurt my back or foot it's awful using them to the point where I will avoid chores. If she refuses to come downstairs to greet you then that very well could be the issue. She may figure you're the more able-bodied so you should come up to her. Sure, she can come downstairs to feed herself or to leave the house but if it's unpleasant she may avoid it where she thinks it's unnecessary.

Also, in case there are memory issues, maybe when you ask for something at a specific time, you can give her an alarm clock? Then when you hear it go off, you can call up and say "remember that we agreed to make dinner together now?" It seems reasonable to give her a reminder if you agreed to it several days prior, but it kind of sounds like you wait until she decides to come downstairs on her own and then get angry that she didn't remember to come down earlier to help.

I've considered the memory loss especially since we've dealt with it with her husband these past few years and as a daughter I'll admit that's hard for me to even consider. Mom has always been one to "hide" things or only allow so much information to be known. It can make things rather difficult especially when dealing with finances or medical issues.
I know much of this is my doing as well and that I have a big part in what goes on between us or doesn't. I'm 52 and doing the change. That hasn't been easy. In the past couple of months I have been told my boss is closing the business, selling to a new agent had to worry whether or not my husband and I had jobs ( we work together). Covered for old boss for the last month of his contract as his appendix burst and he had a bowel obstruction. He was within hours of dying by the time he went to the doctors. Transitioned old boss out, new boss in. Hosted 30 for Thanksgiving and another 24 for Christmas. Maybe I'm just tired and the fuse is short. I think I do better in warmer weather when I can be outside in the garden, on the tractor mowing or in the pool. Our winter like so many others has been so cold and nasty.
Thanks again for all your thoughts and those of you looking at having to possibly move in with one of your children, just remember your not a burden and in most cases you could be a great help.

Have you considered having a family meeting with your brothers to discuss your concerns but also to discuss finances? As I mentioned above my Dad moved in with us for 4 years after my Mother died. When Dad moved in we had a family discussion to cover these topics. We also met with an attorney who specialized in geriatric law who prepared new Durable Power of Attorney papers, along with a medical one and instructed Dad to add me to his checking and savings account and he updated Dad's will and made me Executor.
He also gave us valuable advice about taxes, probate and what might happen if Dad needed assisted living or a nursing home and what the financial implications would be. We all agreed that Dad would pay me a monthly fee to cover his living expenses - room and board, trips to the doctor, running errands etc.

I just couldn't take money from my Dad even though the attorney and my brothers insisted and I put the money into a separate account in the event Dad needed it in the future.

You mentioned that it would be a financial hardship to alter your half bath to accommodate your mother. It's possible that at some time in the future that might become a necessity. It might be helpful to discuss this matters with your family. You shouldn't have to bear all the burdens and costs yourself.

I'm wondering if your mom is afraid of going up and down the stairs? She may be afraid of falling, especially when you're not home.
I would cut her some slack..her life as she knew it has come to an end. Honestly, reading this makes me sad. Sorry, I do wish you and your mother all the very best.

We've taken care of all the trust issues, accounts, DNR, wills, living wills etc. Mom and I had a very frank conversation about that as well as her wishes. We have shared all that with the boys. I insisted that I was not to be the only one to make decisions but that one of the brothers also had to. I did not want all that on my shoulders. I take care of her monthly stuff, help her pay her bills and balance her accounts. I also do the annual paperwork for Medicaid which helps her with her husbands nursing home bills. I'm comfortable with the way we have things figured out for now. We've discussed one of the chairs that's glides up the stair wall if she ever needed it. She would pay for that. Moving her downstairs though would mean making structural changes to the house to accomodate a larger bath that she could access from what would be her room. We'd also have to construct a laundry room that would be built into the garage. It would need to be drywalled and insulated as we are in the midwest. That would cost about 16-20k and we've made financial arrangements with mom should it come to that. For now, it doesn't have to be that way. Mom does her laundry and leaves it for us to carry up and down which works well. She know's I don't want her carrying things up and down even though she insists. She has a stubborn streak but I ask her to refrain for her own safety. She's working on that.

I now believe that you are between a rock and a hard place... and I do wish that all these words, helpful or not, could really be helpful. You are a really good person, and you have taken on a challenge that most of us would refrain from doing. And it does sound like you both have covered much of the concerns of her living with you.

I can only wish that your 'family bond' finds a less bumpy road ahead. Perhaps she has just 'given up' on living and her life isn't about her physical needs anymore... but her mental needs instead. Maybe her minister/paster could ask her how her life is going.
Hugs to you both. I know I could not "do" the challenge you have set for yourself. (((((HUGS)))))

You say that you have a large family. Maybe its time for mother to visit with some of the others. If she spent a week with each of her other children with time between trips, that could occupy a considerable portion of a year.

She probably feels obligated to visit her husband, but that doesn't have to be every day. A little time away on occasion could be good. Convince her that she should see other memebrs of her family while she still can and enjoy each other's company.

The anticipation and planning for a trip can be invigorating. It gives one something to look forward to.

She may feel guilty about taking some time for herself away from her husband. If she does, take this new activity a step at a time. Have her take one trip of a few days. Depending on the severity of her husband's condition, he may not notice. If he has a fair level of cognizance left, he may understand his wife's need to take a break.

I have read through these posts and find them informative...'cause I could be your mother! I lost my DH, but I think that she feels has lost her DH to his world, and his world is not her's anymore. I truly feel she would be better off in some assisted quarters. If her DH is some place that offers that, it would be wonderful...she could go and see him when she wants to and does not have to depend on someone to drive her. She would be offered a variety of things to do to keep her mind occupied and meet some friends instead of having to spend all day by herself. This is what I intend to do when the time comes....I NEVER want to live with my children....no house is big enough for two women!

You say she has no problem with arthritis, etc...that is wonderful. My old joints are what is keeping me down...I have lost interest in doing anything because with each and every step, I have pain.....so it is just best I not go. I have withdrawn from so many things I used to do...and fearfully becoming a recluse~~ We had some nasty weather and that also is keeping me in the house.

Although I just built a new house, I have kind of lost interest in it....and that is sad. Last year when I was building, I had no problems...but this is a different story.

I think your mom and I are both depressed....she will not admit it to you. The days are long and without our DHs, life doesn't seem to be joyous anymore. She has lost her identity....her husband, moving, living with daughter...so many life changes.

Does she do computer/Facebook? That is the way I spend most of my time. But I think the key would be for you both to go check out where her husband is and see if they have some assisted living in the same quarters.

Good luck and sending hugs to both you and your mom!

Last Fall we got a stair chair climber for DH. He hadn't been able to go down to the basement in three years. Because it was "L" shaped it cost a lot more than just a straight design. We also got a heavy duty quality one. It has made a huge difference to our lives. I use it a lot too. Anything heavy gets put in the chair and I send the chair up and down by remote. I still do the climbing myself because I need the exercise but it sure is nice not having to carry things. As a senior, I have to admit my balance isn't as stable as it used to be. Some of my friends have fallen downstairs while carrying laundry. Well worth the purchase!

Yesterday was my day off and mom and I ran some errands and saw three different doctors. The first is her foot doctor who takes care of her toe nails - diabetic care. That went well. Next dropped her off at the nursing home to see hubby and I ran to Wally world for stuff we both needed. From there to the next doctor for a bone density test. She has Osteoporosis, not real bad. She measured a 2 on the 3 point scale. Those results were then transmitted to her primary doctor which was our last visit. Doctor had a long conversation with mom and asked how she was doing, if she had any concerns etc. She explained to him that she was concerned about the muscle mass in her legs and the weakness as a result. He talked to her for about 10 minutes about her history which includes a stroke, heart attack and the diabetes. He also reminded her that he has tried for 6 years to get her to take a prescription for Cholesterol and explained to her how the muscles are fed by the blood that can or cannot flow through. My mom refuses to take the prescription. Says she has prayed about it (she has) and the answer she keeps getting is no. It amazes me that she always gets the answer she is looking for through her prayers. That's another matter though. He then turned to me and asked me directly what I was concerned with. I told him I thought she was too inactive and unsociable. That I was concerned about her being by herself too much and not being physically active. I was also concerned about her hearing and her moods. He asked if she was depressed, she wouldn't let me answer the question. He could see there was a conflict between mom and I and explained to mom that perhaps some of what I was trying to relay to her was for her own good and that she should give it some thought. She said she didn't have bad moods and was generally very happy. I had to remind her of the time just last month when she went off on me, got so mad that I wasn't sure if she was going to hit me and eventually threw some of my stuff down the stairs. Mom has a temper but I know she gets that way when she needs something and doesn't necessarily know how to express it. She is lonely and I recognize that. I can't honestly say that it is all about missing her husband. They've only been married since 1999. Yes, I'm sure she thought when she married that since he was younger than her he'd be there to take care of her and it didn't turn out that way. More than anything, I think she's a bit angry about that. I know my mom. I married for the first time in 1999 as well. Up to that point we had lived together for most of my life. She announced the marriage less than 60 days prior to my wedding and I had never heard of him. She never spoke of him until there was a ring on her finger. Many in the family think she married because I was getting married.
We are going to start some in home physical therapy. That will help me to know what kind of excercises will help her and perhaps keep her motivated. Her nutrionalist say's her vitamin d level is low and has increased her dosage.
We have checked into assisted living, I told her if that is what she wanted it would be fine with me. We looked at units but she has decided against it. I think being alone although surrounded by other people did not thrill her. She says she feels safe in our home. The stairs are getting harder so I did discuss the stair mover chair, she wants to think about that which is good. We just had a electric reclining couch delivered and she loves it.
I am fortunate in that if I need a break I do have two brothers that take her for a few days to give me that break. Mom is generally ready to come back sooner rather than later. The boys have kids, dogs and alot of things going on their homes and that gets to be too much for her. She takes trips as well. Last year she took 3 trips and I encourage her to do more if possible. Most are through her church.
We will keep trugging along, it's nice to be able to bounce things off of everyone here at the table. I'm surrounded by men so I don't get much feedback from them.
Thank you again.

So, your place looks pretty darned good to her after she stays with the bros for a few days, huh? :) Again, I think you're doing the best you can, especially considering you're working full-time--no small feat! And you have taken all our suggestions very well, without offense. Anyone living together will have their moments and I'm really glad your mom didn't hit you. You're a good daughter for looking after and trying to accommodate her. I used to visit my mother's friend in her various assisted living homes and she was so stubborn about socializing; basically, she wouldn't. But her children weren't nice to her and she pretty much died of a broken heart--she stopped eating and drinking. There is almost always a sense of loss as we age, and I'm sure your mom is feeling it, especially the loss of independence and purpose. I hope she will come to realize you are doing the best for her that you can.

My dh was on a cholesterol drug for slightly elevated levels and it made his legs ache and made him very tired. You might have to try out a few to find one that suits her. Hang in there, two.25!

I know this sounds like it came from "left field" but my cholesterol needs to kept under control...I was given meds, but my legs really hurt badly while I was on them. My cardiologist took me off of them and told me to take 4 Red Yeast Rice tablets a day, plus fish oil. He said that he would always happy to give something other than "drugs". Good news, last check up was normal! You might check with her doctor, but if she would rather take vitamins and supplements, she might take these....good luck!

PS. Dr. Oz had this on his show about a week after I started RYR.

You're really a saint. As someone else said, you find yourself between a rock and a hard place.

I think you're doing more than your share of the heavy lifting. Why do you have to lose your own day off to drive her around? You have brothers around (and other family members), I hope this responsibility is shared.

As things evolve, think about what's in your best interest as well as hers. She can bring her own life down but she really has no right to do the same to you. I also think there's more to know about this story on her side. Things that you may or may not ever know about.

I wish only the best for all concerned, remember that you don't need to be a hero.

keep posting and get your frustrations out here!!! so funny about your mother marrying the same time you did...one-up-man-ship for sure..

just as long as you and dh have time alone...that's a must!

2.25 You have my sincere admiration. You didn't post here looking for praise but I honestly believe you're handling a difficult situation with grace and love.

susanjf made a good point - it is important that you and your DH have your own time too. Please remember to treat yourself to a little pampering ....whatever you need to do to refresh your batteries.

Physical therapy is a great idea. I hope your Mom cooperates with the therapist and is able to improve her mobility and strength.

And remember - we're always here in the event you need to vent.

Maire

Take her to visit an antique mall! I'm 71 and have a space, and while I don't need to be there on a day-to-day basis, go in to re-organize and bring in new things. I cannot tell you how many 'older' women stop to talk to me, and ask me about something they might be interested in. She also may enjoy seeing things she can relate to, and take her back to her younger days. If she's lucky, she may make a friend or two there~ I've made several. Having a common bond is the most important thing in a friendship.