I have a lot of stuff on my kitchen counters, but I don't consider it clutter as we use it, like the toaster oven, the can opener, the cylinder full of utensils, hot shot, etc. Clutter to me is stuff that has a place, but isn't in it. We have only a few corners of clutter where they're supposed to go...like on the desk area in the kitchen with bills, catalogs and junk mail; like coats hanging on the hooks in the mud room that aren't hung up in the closet; like stacks of papers in the in box(s) on DH's desk. For the most part the clutter is kept at bay. Mainly because we both like the look of the rooms when they're neat and it does keep it less stressful. But we also designed in places for things to go. When we run out of room, that is not the sign to add more spaces, but the sign to clean out the existing ones. To ellendi and others with a coat issue, I'd suggest a 2-point tackle...1) add coat hooks where it's convenient to the door so you don't have to open the coat closet to hang them up and 2) tip the dining chairs on their side for a few days after installing the coat hooks so they can't be used as an alternative to the hooks until the new habit is formed. My gf lives in a 4 br colonial with the basement level garage, which only has room for 1 car as the other is full of stuff. Then you walk into the hallway which is very narrow as it's lined with stuff on both sides, past the laundry area which is stacked with unfolded laundry and around the corner to get to the stairs that go up. I never say anything, but every time we go through there, she makes a comment about needing to get to it, or about who's stuff it all is or whatever. I know it eats at her and stresses her out. She certainly doesn't need more stress in her life. I'd even offer to help her clean it up and organize it so the simple act of coming home doesn't cause her such fret, but I'm afraid she'd take it as criticism. Mind you, her adult son is living at home post college so is strong and capable of helping her with the heavy lifting. But somehow...an issue common to women?... she feels as if, as the mother, it's her responsibility and she doesn't enlist her children's help. And that is really the point of reducing clutter...the simple act of coming home should be welcoming, not stress inducing. Here is a link that might be useful: Why mess causes stress

I've been having a lot of symptoms of peri-menopause since July. I've been doing research and my dh is a physician, so I kind of run stuff by him a lot. Anyway my symptoms started with that weird "out of sorts feeling" like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Then I started having anxiety attacks in the most unlikely places, like the grocery store. I talked to my obgyn about it and they said "we could prescribe an anti-depressant" but I knew I wasn't depressed so I said no. (Hate the side effects). I said what about anti-anxiety medication just in case this happens at work or if I feel really out of control. She said "well, anxiety is not clinically associated with peri-menopause so you will have to ask your internist." But the weird thing is that on every menopause forum (like this one) women talk about anxiety. So at least I didn't feel crazy. I only found one clinical study that associated anxiety with hot flashes. To make a long story short, I went to my internist and asked for Xanax for anxiety. It was hard to do anyway and she wasn't eager to prescribe it so I felt like a jerk. I wanted to say "look lady, I'm not a drug addict." I just wish there was more help for us in this phase of our lives and I'm sorry for all the women on this forum who have to go through it and feel humiliated to boot. So anyway, that was about a month ago and I have taken the Xanax 3 times, at night when feeling anxious to help me sleep. It's been a great blessing. I know it's not a natural remedy, but I tried everything else and it hasn't helped much. I just think the best approach is to tell our docs that we are having anxiety attacks and not blame it on peri-menopause because they don't believe it's related.

Thank you all for your helpful comments. I forgot to add that when SS decided to go live with his mom 8 months ago and was spouting off that he didn't like me, that I wasn't nice, DH asked what specifically he didn't like. The only concrete thing he could come up with was that he didn't like my stupid rule that he had to let me know whether he would be home for dinner! sminnc, son actually wasn't included on the calls. It's a very different therapeutic model they use at this place (SUWS of the Carolinas). The parents write assigned letters (impact letter, feelings letter, etc.), which the therapist shares with the child, who then writes responsive letters, which are posted to their website and discussed by the therapist and parents during the weekly calls. It's an intersting way to do this, but one can't help wonder how much the therapist unintentionally filters. Also, you can't immediately respond to something, and who knows, by the time the parents' response is relayed to the child, the child may have totally forgotten whatever the issue was that had seemed so important. Yes, DH did say that son is smart enough to say what he thinks people want to hear, that he may be pandering to his mom. My sister told me, "Look, Tamar, you are a really good mom. Your biological kids don't sing your praises because maybe they know they don't have to. Maybe your stepsons are always talking about how wonderful their mother is because they need to convince themselves. It has to be hard on some level for your SSs to see how much happier their dad is, and how good a mom you are to the younger kids." All this may be true, but it still doesn't feel good to hear your personality is a problem for someone else. Cawfe, I always love your no-nonsense approach. I am sure it helps keep you sane. Thank you so much for your advice. I especially like what you said about "not wanting to interfere with his recovery." I may just cut and paste! LOL!

The only way to make it to the other side is to leave this BF, which I hope you did. He is not appropriate for you and you are not appropriate for him, regardless. He can't make his 4 YO child go away and nor should he be expected to. You, on the other hand, clearly know you do not want to be a SM under any circumstances. Enough, already. . . time to move on. And, hopefully, you did!