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joseph_corlett

Dear Travertine

Dear Travertine:

I know our relationship has been rocky. You've been the way you are for billions of years so I doubt you'll change for me anytime soon and you couldn't if you wanted to. They keep making you do the things for which you are not suited, that happens to the beautiful ones, and I keep trying to make things right.

Before I go any further, I need to apologize for those things I said about you and your metamorphic cousin, Marble. Oh, I told no lies, but doesn't everyone already know about the scratching, etching, and staining inherent to your types? Forgive me for bringing up my exes again, but what do you expect from a guy with a solid surface and engineered stone background? I'm not making excuses; I'm just trying to understand my own behavior. When they ask me about you, I'm obligated to tell the truth. I can certainly be more discreet.

With that said, and since this is just between us, this is what you looked like the other morning:

I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but when the customer first telephoned me she called you "concrete"! She got you with the house and just didn't know. Later a girlfriend told her you were engineered stone, so when I arrived you can understand my trepidation. I was gentle with you behind the refrigerator panel and you responded enthusiastically the more aggressive I became. I spent nearly two hours with my Festool in that 14 square foot corner, but kept your dust down and finally got you to pop with the MB 12 on a white pad and just in time too. Ms. Homeowner came home and I called her over. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed, "It's beautiful!" I never tire of hearing that. You and me babe; we did it.

I hate the way you make me trade between effective dust collection and time, which is money. I'm never going to get your worst etches out with the Festool. I've got to get even more aggressive so I run my Viper 3-step pads on my knuckle-dragger (Makita polisher) without dust collection. The huge range hood is sucking up all the dust and I've cut our time together by a third at least. Even that wasn't enough for the left side of the sink. You needed a 70 grit even before the Vipers. You do like it rough:

Then there's your drinking. One little splash next to the sink and you sucked it down like a floozy in a sailor's bar:

Fortunately you were just as thirsty for the Tenax Proseal I covered your tops and edges with after polishing. And while I know my stone restoration peers will flip if they ever find out, your behavior improves markedly with a coat of clear paste wax. A little more Proseal as a chaser to remove the excess wax and I finally had you sated, judging by the water beads on the bar. You could probably even turn away some orange juice or red wine now, but I didn't want to push it. Yes, your worst etch, the one in the first picture, has disappeared:

I'm sorry I didn't have the time to pretty up your previously repaired blowouts; maybe next time. Ms. Homeowner never said anything about them. I'm not being cruel because I know they're your nature, but they really didn't show up until after polishing. This is the bar; lucky for you I didn't photograph the cooktop edge. Let's keep that blowout our little secret, 'nkay?

Speaking of cooktops, it looks like the cleaning people let go of a slippery burner to the tune of $1,200.00. That's what I should have charged for your makeover. I digress, but I'm glad I didn't get the blame for this:

Where is our relationship going, Travertine? They can't resist your beauty, no matter how educated they become. When we invent technical solutions to your shortcomings, they accuse you of "looking like plastic". They can't have it both ways so I say let 'em pay. Do I appear as a whore to them or am I a pimp for you? Or both? Or neither? It doesn't really matter. As long as they pay me, I'll keep you looking good and performing well and we'll all keep struggling along.

All my love,

Joseph

P.S.:

This post was edited by Trebruchet on Mon, Oct 13, 14 at 11:55

Comments (29)

  • carree
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Treb, you are fabulous.

  • Niki Friedman
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Beautiful, just beautiful. Brought a tear to my eye.

  • ardcp
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    if i ever move to Tampa area i know who i will call!
    you are a laugh riot and a genius!
    note to self no travertine counters:( that looked awful before your artistry

  • PRO
    Joseph Corlett, LLC
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "I see a publication coming, "Fifty Shades of Tre""

    Now that's funny right there.

    Thanks everyone.

  • SaraKat
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    OM-TRE. I'm glad I didn't go with the Trav in the Master Bath. They tried to get me to do it but I had already read about "issues". Went with granite. But I do love me some travertine and used it on the flooring. Gorgeous. Great job AGAIN!!!

  • OOTM_Mom
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I keep looking for a like button.

  • marcolo
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Epic.

  • avntgardnr
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Epic is right. That was fantastic.

  • chispa
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Someone on the bathroom forum is redoing their MB and showed a selection of several travertine tiles they were going to use ... I wanted to tell them to run from those choices. I hope they read this forum too and that it isn't too late to change some of their choices ...

  • Ivan I
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My money is on Trebuchet and Marcolo being third cousins.

  • bicyclegirl1
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Beautiful....the letter & the final product! Great job Tre!

  • amck2
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Love to be educated while being genuinely entertained. Great morning read - Thanks, Treb!

  • heidihausfrau
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You do have a way with words! Made my morning!

  • patriceny
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    This was awesome. It made a crappy Monday morning just a little easier to bear.

    Thank you!

  • CEFreeman
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    [snicker] [chortle] [choke & coffee spit] [LOL]

    and a final

    [head shake]

  • plllog
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Do I appear as a whore to them or am I a pimp for you? Or both? Or neither?

    I believe the word is "beautician". :)

  • lazy_gardens
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    ::: fanning myself briskly :::

    My, you do enjoy your work. Maybe a wee bit too much.

  • bicyclegirl1
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Perfect plllog!!

  • christina222_gw
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm glad you're in FL Treb, just in case!

  • lucybcstx
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    How do we get him to Texas??

  • PRO
    Joseph Corlett, LLC
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thanks again everyone. From the comments, it sounds like we've got some clever writers among the group.

    At the risk of sounding spammy, my article on kitchen sink rod replacement will be published in the November 2014 issue of the Journal of Light Construction, a 50-year-old trade magazine. My monthly column is at www.countertopiq.com

    Here's a link to my creepier side. I murdered my brother-in-law to win an online fiction contest, but I had a really good reason:

    Here is a link that might be useful: The Overlook

  • crcollins1_gw
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Your ode to travertine was entertaining but The Overlook makes me happy none of us ever really pissed you off. Good reading, both. Thanks for sharing.

  • Karenseb
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Trebruchet, What an amusing ode to travertine.
    I've always loved travertine and recently moved into a home with a travertine shower which is in need of "restoration".

    How do you go about finding a competent person to restore the the travertine which I love?
    Can I do anything myself to clean it and should it be sealed in the shower? I squeegee after every shower, but I can see after one year it needs more.

  • blfenton
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    We have travertine in our shower as well. I don't squeegee it unless I'm in a real rush. I wipe it down every morning with a micro-fibre cloth and after 4 years it still looks good.

    Love the story with the accompanying pics. So entertaining.

  • PRO
    Joseph Corlett, LLC
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "How do you go about finding a competent person to restore the the travertine which I love?
    Can I do anything myself to clean it and should it be sealed in the shower?"

    Karenseb:

    My customer contacted me through www.homeadvisor. It's free to homeowners and you can read the ratings of potential contractors. You must be a contractor customer to write a review and contractors are unable to remove a poor review and can only respond in writing. I highly recommend them.

    Truthfully, I got a little spanking on my review on this job. She loved the work, but the vent apparently didn't suck as much dust on the island as it did next to the stove. Even though your kitchen becomes a fab shop for a day on a job like this, I offered to reimburse her cleaning expenses. I'm going to do more protection, and charge more for it, on the next one.

    You can get a one pound box of MB 12, the stuff I use to make it shine, for $29.95 at DeFusco Industrial Supply as well as Tenax Proseal in a pint. Ventilate well, the MB12 is pretty stinky during application only. The Proseal not so much.

    This post was edited by Trebruchet on Tue, Oct 14, 14 at 14:41

  • PRO
    Joseph Corlett, LLC
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Your ode to travertine was entertaining but The Overlook makes me happy none of us ever really pissed you off. Good reading, both. Thanks for sharing."

    I can see it now:

    Note to self:

    1. No Travertine countertops in Kitchen.
    2. No camping with Trebruchet.

  • plllog
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Re the dust, I'm sure you did a great job of cleaning up, but the finer dust stays in the air longer and then settles when it gets cooler and time has elapsed. It's inevitable. Put a dust warning on your contract and talk over "after care", including dust removal with the clients. It can take a month or more for the finest dust to settle (been there!). That the gonzo hood helped is a boon to them, not a ding on the quality of your job. Though, of course, keeping them happy by paying for the cleaning is good customer relations.

  • firstmmo
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Trebuchet, you are a poet and an artist!!! I always enjoy your posts.....but will not be a travertine homeowner. However, when you do the Ode to Marble, I can easily be one of those vilified homeowners!!!