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How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opinions

Posted by ck_squared (My Page) on
Wed, Sep 11, 13 at 16:26

We are in the middle of our remodel, getting ready to finalize our countertop choice. I have been researching everything in detail for over a year now and keeping dh informed though he hasn't researched anything himself. I've learned a lot here and elsewhere as I've narrowed down our choices. For the most part, dh and I agree on things.

However, Dh and I have a difference of opinion on our island slab. I'm sold on one slab, he's sold on another. I LOVE my slab. He is already conceding with his choice as he'd rather go in an entirely different direction for the counters. But his vision doesn't fit mine (which I've mulled over and visualized for a long time).

So what to do? Compromise and let dh have his island counter choice (which I like, but don't love). Or insist on my choice for island counter which fits my overall vision better?

After typing this all out, I think I know what the majority of you will say...

(Oh! I don't make myself sound very nice, do I?)

This post was edited by ck_squared on Wed, Sep 11, 13 at 16:40


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I say who ever does the majority of work in the kitchen gets to make the choice.

If it's equal, flip a coin:)

My husband tried in the beginning to say he wanted fossil granite (he saw this at Home Depot) on our kitchen island...in our 1910 farmhouse.

When I vetoed that idea, he was not happy and said he wanted the kitchen to reflect his taste...which is fossil granite...in our 1910 farmhouse.

Anyway, I am a stay at home mom and do 90% of the cooking. I said if he wanted to decorate my "office", I would come down to his work and decorate his. He gave in.

Now I lovingly stroke my carrera marble island:)


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

It is a tough one. I know we all get the "vision" in our heads and try to run with it. I have found that even though hubby doesn't do the research, he has his own vision. The less I let him add his vision to any room of the house, the less he wants to add his vision to rooms of the house (if that makes sense).

I think if he is voicing an opinion, you should listen. I have found that as we re-do our whole house our visions start meshing, he picks something that maybe I wouldn't have and we re-work something else to go with that- and while it is not my vision any longer, it certainly has become "our" style. I wish I could say all this has been done without any arguments, but hey we are still married and renovating an entire house from studs up so that is certainly not the case.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I've been married for 33 years .... so, of course, I capitulate.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Post both pictures without stating your preference. See the responses and then either concede (and bank it for the next time you disagree!) or show him the responses to prove he's out of touch.

(Going on ten years and I KNOW my backsplash choice would have been better. But she was right about the counter.)

This post was edited by foodonastump on Wed, Sep 11, 13 at 17:41


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Countless "favors";). We decided to each pick elements that we love rather than both of us compromising.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Limiting my thoughts to house renovation, not other parts of our life:

- First, we'd appeal to logic. Is one option more functional, less likely to go out of style, less expensive, more readily available, more long-lasting, or in some other way just a more logical decision? If so, we'd go that direction.

- Failing that, we'd consider who cares more. That is, who is the primary user of the item? If it were something in the kitchen, in the end he'd give in to me. On the other hand, if the issue in question is part of the master bathroom or the garage, I'd let him have his way.

- And whoever "gave in" would kind of have some credit built up so that when the next questionable item arose, the winner would probably give in graciously and let the last-time-loser have his or her way.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I'd likely keep looking until we found something we could both agree on. If that dragged out long enough, DH would likely throw in the towel and tell me to get whatever I want, just get it done.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Whoever feels the strongest about something, regardless of the item or discussion, usually gets their choice. It's something we agreed on when deciding to get married and I probably get my way more often but I have a defined sense of what I am comfortable with in terms of style - he doesn't.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

My DH and I have been at this build for just over two years now. We are contracting it ourselves and I have done all of the design work on the house.
When we started we agreed that we each got ONE thing that we could say veto on and have it our way. Only one. For the whole house.
Things have gotten touchy a couple times and we say "OK is this your ONE THING ?"; because we both know once we give it up, its over.
Neither of us has used our one things YET.
We did had one argument about hey I HAVE DESIGNED THIS WHOLE THING!!! YEAH WELL Í'VE HAD TO BUILD EVERYTHING YOU DREAM UP...
that was ugly and we did compromise. He got his interior doors that blew the budget...


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

We do all our own renovations on a 7000 sf + Victorian and this kind of stuff comes up often. When it does, many times we both just take a break and let time do it's thing. There were many instances when I was absolutely CERTAIN that my vision was correct, but in hindsight it was not and my wife saved me. The same is just as true for her.

Take a break, do more research, post your options here for feedback, and let time do it's thing. It will clarify itself eventually.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Shoot him and use the insurance money to get what you want.

Or, depending on the division of labor, tell him that you're going to go buy a lawnmower and he gets no say. Or other similar "it's MY space, and I get to have it MY way and I don't go poking my nose into YOUR stuff and tell you what to do there."

As long as he doesn't hate your choice and you love it, you'll work it out. If he does hate it, then I'd really reconsider. He may be seeing something that you don't. Occasionally, the other half can be right. They can have good taste too.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

My initial response didnt post...

I had said that I agree with the whoever spends more time in whatever area, gets more of a say.
My DH gives little to no input, so when he does, I want him to feel like I value his opinion. If he doesnt like something I have decided on, I come up with other options. If he likes something that I feel against strongly enough to not agree, I keep looking for a compromise. So often I'll look for something that we both can agree on, and I come back to what I initially liked. When I bring it up again, after a week or so to let him/me rethink, he usually agrees.
A lot of times, I have things decided in my mind, and occasionally, he chimes in the polar opposite direction, and it ends in, ' fine, do what you want, why ask me anyway.' Which then makes me unhappy. I try to build a stronger argument (lighting, painting, COST...thats a biggie :o) ). Up until now, all his choices (upgraded shingles...SHINGLES??!!, extra on the AV, security) are costing us.
Ultimately, its both your home you should do what will give you both the most satisfaction....even if it means giving in (you can always cover it up with something ;) )


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

A real conversation that I had during my reno

Husband "why can't I ever make a point with you?"
Me "because your points are always stupid"

And you worry about not making yourself look nice....haha!

and if you still want to hear advice from me after that little story, here is my suggestion. Try find out what it is that you don't like, that he likes about his choice and vice versa. Maybe once you identify what that specific is, maybe you could find something that you would both be happy with. If that still doesn't work, I discovered that my husband can't really see a "thing" and envision now it will work with the overall, so if I showed him pictures online he was better able to picture where I was going. He could then either change his mind or definitely say "no" to whatever I had selected.

Good luck, it's fun, huh?


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I agree with foodonastump.....post pics and let us referee...


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I believe that the person who does the research....gets to make the choices :)


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Good advice here. Foodonastump (I always read that as "Foodstamp")'s idea is good, because GWs love a vote.

My husband and I don't have very good conflict resolution skills with each other. He is measured and reasonable and not emotionally invested in non-emotional decisions. I, on the other hand, am passionate, impulsive, and nothing but emotions (and how is a total new kitchen NOT emotional???)

So yeah, we've had our conflicts. Still working them out. Currently, his desire for counter-height table. We have a plywood mockup that we are playing around with and we'll take it from there.

But if you love love love it and hafta hafta hafta have it, you should be able to make him see things your way.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I would keep looking to try to find something that both of you will be happy with. Can you post pictures without saying which one is the one you want. Maybe someone on here could help you find something that has the qualities you both are looking for.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Kitten and I have the same marriage...my husband is an engineer and attorney, so everythng is about the "logical", the "practical" and especially the cheap for him. I am quite the opposite. I have a gut feel about things, a visual composition that I can't quite describe but know in my head is "the vision". When we get into things over a house renovation (our third whole house renovation in one year!), I try and deflect him to things that I have assigned as totally his arena: the kitchen sink, the kitchen faucet, the exterior watering system and everything electrical. Our best process is when the decisions are already portioned out to each person. And even if I am not in love with his giant kitchen faucet, I'll try and understand his viewpoint. This was his one thing that he got to choose and he had a reason why.

This might not work for many couples because it means you use conceding as a decision-maker and almost never learn to negotiate. I found that we are not good negotiators--he has a very unforgiving nature and so he doesn't negotiate well--he broods--making my life miserable. I'd rather just set boundaries at the outset so that each person already knows where they will have to "let go".

However, I truly admire those that can talk things out and come to consensus...we have NEVER been able to do that. Even with something as mundane as picking a restaurant for dinner, we each are highly opinionated!

Use the process that works best between the two of you! Be successful by using what has the highest probability of success!!!


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Thank you to everyone who has responded. You have given me lots to think about. I thought you would all say I need to compromise. We don't have a lot of time. As I said we are in the middle of remodel at the drywall stage. Floors are next week, then cabs and counters so we need our decision by end of weekend.

I did post a previous message a few days go that has 3 counter choices in there however it will be obvious which one I prefer if you search for it. Google 'countertop slabs gardenweb' and you should find it.

Thanks again! I really appreciate everyone's opinion.

This post was edited by ck_squared on Wed, Sep 11, 13 at 22:59


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I agree with Lavender: the one who does all the research and planning should have the bigger say.

I stay up late at night researching, reading Gardenweb, reading reviews, making mock-ups, staring at my empty kitchen, pretending I'm having a dinner party and re-creating the work flow seeing how everything works, etc...

My husband (who has never researched a thing for our kitchen remodel) goes to Home Depot to buy light bulbs and comes home insisting on fossil granite.

I think my opinion holds more weight:)


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I have the same marriage as MrsPete, more or less. (Logic, followed by who cares most, then extra points saved up for the one who gave in.) I generally do more research, so I often care more. His taste can surprise me sometimes, even after almost 30 years, so when it does, I pay attention. I suppose we both have veto power, but it hasn't come to that yet. If I come up with something I really like and he's lukewarm on it, I generally lose some enthusiasm about that item as well. It helps that we are both pretty good at the Big Picture stuff. If one person likes a bunch of disparate stuff, but passionately, that could be a challenge!


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I have the same marriage as MrsPete, more or less. (Logic, followed by who cares most, then extra points saved up for the one who gave in.) I generally do more research, so I often care more. His taste can surprise me sometimes, even after almost 30 years, so when it does, I pay attention. I suppose we both have veto power, but it hasn't come to that yet. If I come up with something I really like and he's lukewarm on it, I generally lose some enthusiasm about that item as well. It helps that we are both pretty good at the Big Picture stuff. If one person likes a bunch of disparate stuff, but passionately, that could be a challenge!


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

We do our best to compromise. If he finds something he LOVES, we try to go with that. And vice versa. Then we try to incorporate those choices to the master plan. If it ends up not working out, we make another choice.

Have their been disagreements or arguments, sure. Nothing major though and we move on.

He fell in love with a granite I liked a lot. I fell in love with a granite that he was lukewarm about. I let him have his granite, since I had chosen the layout and will be primarily choosing floors.

We have a few disagreements left but we manage.

It's all about compromise. Without compromise, one party will be disappointed. This is OUR kitchen, not my kitchen.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I did post a previous message a few days go that has 3 counter choices in there however it will be obvious which one I prefer if you search for it. Google 'countertop slabs gardenweb' and you should find it.

Yep, I found the thread. For your sake I hope your DH doesn't! ;-)


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I found your pictures. They are all really nice. But I would want the first one it is so pretty. Maybe you could do what my niece did. She and her husband could not decide on a name for their baby so she got to pick the name and her husband got to pick any TV he wanted! It worked for them and they are both happy.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I think the Corteccia and FB are very similar. The Corteccia is more calming and would look great in a kitchen done with a waterfall. Also allows more versatility decor/color wise. The FB while a beautiful stone, would tie your kitchen to a very brown scheme esp with your cabinet color. It would force other decisions for you, like paint and backsplash colors to keep the kitchen from looking too dark. Whereas the Corteccia would still give some leeway. Does your DH not like the corteccia? Or does he prefer the FB over it? If all else fails, I just kinda mope around for a bit, and DH usually gives in....path of least resistance.
Good Luck.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

My DH has spends most of his day time hours in his garages. He restores cars and even though he is retired he is awake, showered, and in his shop by 7:15. I don't tell him what to do in his garages so I usually get the last say when choosing things for our home.

When we were looking at granite I was leaning towards a compact tight design like quartz. DH said "that stone looks like it is for a tombstone, if we are going to the expense of granite lets look for something that LOOKS like stone". Boy, am I glad he spoke because he made a good point with that comment. I chose Typhoon Bordeaux and I love it.

We are now redoing the living room and I wanted mostly fabric pieces and he wanted all leather. I told him we would do the sofa or two chairs in leather and the rest in upholstery but I told him to choose which piece or pieces we would do in leather. He chose to do the sofa in leather.

I picked two main upholsteries to choose from. I showed them both to him and he liked the dark one better but I vetoed that one. I only chose paint samples that I could live with so I narrowed it down to two and had him pick which one he liked best.

We compromise when it isn't all that important to me but in the end I do pretty much what I want in the house. Now if I could just sneak that George Washington picture out of the library...................


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Hmm.. no offense to anyone here, but after reading some of these posts and most peoples idea of compromise, I am really starting to understand the whole "man cave" thing.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I care a lot more and do a lot more work/research but do try to incorporate DH's wishes, especially since he's the one doing 90% of the cooking. For example, we have a giant fridge, but he wants a bar fridge, so I'm putting one in and trying to respect his wishes for workflow, etc.

Usually I do the research and present him with options, then we discuss the options. If he genuinely doesn't like my options, I tell him to research some that we can discuss. When it comes to actually doing the work he's less enthusiastic so we usually end up back at my options.

DH really likes things plain and contemporary. I also like this look but am trying to fit it in with the rest of the house (a plain sorta farmhouse style) as well, which he is now totally on board with. So we end up with "vintage" "40s" or "retro" type stuff instead of pure modern.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Imagine my poor DW living with a designer- no way can she do enough research to match (besides I'm the researcher), I care more than most, I'm do most of the more serious cooking, all the baking, though nowadays we share the cooking more. Fortunately we are usually close in taste but not always.

I was really curious to see how this thread played out. Naturally I run into it. Often comes a time where clients are arguing about something in the project, both, simultaneously turn and look at me to resolve it.
My standard response is "I don't do domestic, have had 2-1/2 marriages, you really don't want my help" the 2-1/2 usually throws em enough to calm things down :-) (the 1/2 was between, not the current one of 25yrs.)

To better do my job (cope with you people when you come in) I do try to understand what is going on-you know pschobabble. A lot of what goes on with women appears to be "nesting", there are other issues for some but not relevant here.
Guys took me longer to understand. Why is it that guys who don't cook and normally have nothing to do with design or decor are suddenly so interested- some of them become armchair architects- I see it most on new construction but also on kitchen remodels- much less on baths. I've come to "the house is his castle" and nowadays the kitchen is the throne room.

Bottom line is boh parties have a lot emotionally invested.

So how do we deal with it at home? Most often we manage to find something that suits both equally, eventually. Sometime, most often, DW wants to achieve something and I take on role of designer- helping the client achieve the goal they set. I'm better at that. Sometimes she just goes off on her own- I never do. Remember it took me 2-1/2 marriages to head Olddryers advice but I learned.

In our kitchen I mostly treated her as a client- here are the layouts, these are the compromises, this is what you must do with appliances with this or that one...When it came to style and finish we were close.
At one point, we were ready to order cabinets and the concept for the counter changed dramatically to a granite with a lot of movement but not yet selected. I held the order until we selected the granite and made the final finish choice then. We had 3 options and I was "ok" with any- we ended up with the one she liked best, I preferred another but they all "worked" In the long run that is what I care about the most- it works or it doesn't.

The detail matters less to me- I'd suggest that be given a lot of weight when choosing. I don't know if that is "male" or "designer" or both. It often appears to me that the "nesting" thing focuses more on the detail of how a single thing looks and then makes up reasons that it works. (now now just my experience don't get excited guys are not immune by any means )

Back to mine- there were two major disagreements. A section of cabinets in an adjoining room open to the kitchen. I wanted the same style but a darker color, she wanted a match. I gave in reluctantly, then painted the walls to make it work better.
The other was on the backsplash- I wanted a 1/2" high black border at the bottom of the splash to separate the counter form the field tile. She hated the idea- complet standoff. I put it in (I did all the work) because it did not work without it. Most clients do something I don't like, they're supposed to, only a few do something I tell them doesn't work. But I never stop them from it unless it is guidelines or architecture. In this case I was not willing to live with it doesn't work for years and be told I was right later.
BTW-she says I was right now :)

So bottom line(s)-
A-doing all the research just means you like or need research- doesn't mean you care more. I do agree if one REALLY cares more they win.

B-Being the cook doesn't mean you win unless you are willing to completely give up a say in the garage/workshop/cave/his closet..whatever space the other has carved out that doesn't get nested. (and tell the truth here- my missus simply can't resist messing with the garage workshop and nowadays the showroom/studio)

C-Focus on what works

D- It is far less painful to learn how to work this out now than needing multiple marriages to get it :-)


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Kali615: My husband had a man cave, but he just kept wandering out to see what I was up to in my "lady lair"... so I turned it into a craft room.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Rosylady said:

I stay up late at night researching, reading Gardenweb, reading reviews, making mock-ups, staring at my empty kitchen, pretending I'm having a dinner party and re-creating the work flow seeing how everything works, etc...

My husband (who has never researched a thing for our kitchen remodel) goes to Home Depot to buy light bulbs and comes home insisting on fossil granite.

Rosy, I am in the same boat. EXCEPT, my My husband (who has never researched a thing for our kitchen remodel) in endlessly tolerant and participative in my decor follies. It was he who said the KD was all wrong and totally changed the layout, so we could fit a kick-azz french stove instead of a cooktop and wall oven. It was DH who picked about the only non-white I have in my house. It was DH who designed a roof overhang for our garage, suggested a gable window, and standing seam copper. It was DH who picked my now favorite bleu-green-grey from 24+ samples. I hate to admit, but he has some kind of knack.

Shh, don't tell him. But once in a while, the guys are pretty useful!

And oh, if he didn't, I would get my way. Because he knows i care more.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Corteccia...will look very pretty with walnut cabs and has just the right amount of brown to tie in. .I think the FB has too much brown and will be too much on top of brown cabs..too busy. . The PW does not go at all IMO...does not have any of the walnut color and looks "cool/white" when i think you need warm. Can you post pics of the quatrz and your floor so we get a better idea of the whole picture?


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I feel so much better after reading this thread (kinda happy to know this is a struggle for many of us.)

I've had friends whose DH gave them carte blanche on any home decision. Their DH could have cared less, except maybe for cost. That is not my marriage.

DH and I both care about everything. This is bad. I mean, we both care about everything. Phillips head or slot head screws? Very pale beige, or a slightly more pale than very pale beige? Good grief. We are both somewhat creative and I think we both feel the need to protect our inner "artiste."

We have had some hum dingers of arguments, over brilliant things like which rock goes next in the line of rocks to line a flower bed. Ask our neighbors.

But I have to say, DH does have good judgement. And, sometimes I really goof. I insisted on installing a metal spiral staircase about two feet away from where it should have been. A spiral staircase. Huge hole cut in floor/ceiling. Totally permanent. Totally wrong. I remember that, years later, and it helps me reconsider my own opinion, when DH is insisting on his way. Remember the staircase.

We have both tried to "save points" to use on future decisions ("OK, if you choose the most expensive HVAC option, that means I get less grief if I choose a more expensive range") but really it never works for us. By the time we get to the later decision, the points have evaporated, and it's a whole new ball game, with both of us toe to toe, again.

I really don't know how in the world we get it all worked out, but somehow we do. 26 years. I just know it's not nearly as pretty a process as many of you have described. I'm in awe.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

"By the time we get to the later decision, the points have evaporated, and it's a whole new ball game, with both of us toe to toe, again. "

That's how we are as well. We don't save points. It's too much like score keeping for me. I know it works for some but for us each decision that wasn't unanimous was a separate discussion from all else.

The corteccia marble is stunning. For me the Fantasy Brown would have too much brown in it and with your cabinets there will be a lot of brown in the kitchen.

This post was edited by blfenton on Thu, Sep 12, 13 at 13:22


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Who was it a couple of years ago, who said she always got her way in the end (when it really mattered) due to her secret weapon? :)


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

We're still navigating this, a year-plus into our kitchen planning (yeah, there've been some roadblocks and periods of inactivity). Right now the main rule is: you veto something, you need to come up with a viable alternative.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

That's the big one for me and my husband as well. That's a huge difference in our personalities - I'm the yes lady and he's the no man. So big on vetoing and it used to irk me sooooo much as I'd put a lot of time into coming up with like 15 different things. Now I'm much better about saying, without TOO much snark, "Ok, I understand you don't like these 20 things, so can you come up with 5 or 10 other things we can pick from?" Again, he usually doesn't want to put the work end so we end up going back to the original choices. I've also learned that reverse psychology does work SUPER well on him: essentially he first sees the problems in every situation THEN moves on to solutions, so if I present a situation as very problematic, he starts coming up with solutions instead which I much prefer.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Regarding evaporating "points" : That really made me laugh even though I said we sort of used that system, in reality, it only works if the next vote is within about 24 hours, otherwise we both forget! Maybe that's the secret to a long relationship-- amnesia! Come to think of it, I usually forget to stay mad, too. No wonder I've had the same husband for 20-something years... 27, 28, something like that...

It has been entertaining to read about all the different approaches, though!


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Lavender Lass, I don't remember the person but I do remember the "weapon".

While many may laugh it really works. Remodeling is very stressful. Keeping your relationship in good working order, will really help.

Sometimes a poster will talk about how their SO insists on this or that or is uncooperative, etc. It becomes apparent that there are deep issues in the relationship that go beyond choosing fixtures.

OP, I DON'T think the above applies to you and your SO.

Secret weapon: "Frequently" ; )

I think I found the thread!

Here is a link that might be useful: secret weapon

This post was edited by debrak2008 on Thu, Sep 12, 13 at 20:41


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

As a guy, I've gotten a kick out of all these posts, especially the secret weapon, (it's not really secret;) Since I'm the cook in our family, my wife of 30 years knows the kitchen is my other "man cave", so she pretty much lets me call the shots on the appliances and working aspects of it. We do, very much though, confer about the esthetics and materials. Luckily, our tastes are much the same, but when there is disagreement, it comes down to picking ones battles. ...give and take


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Oh, that's the thread! LOL

I just read it (again) to my husband, who thought it was funny...and a very good idea :)


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Oh, if it were only one disagreement in my kitchen remodel, I'd be so happy. My husband didn't want it done in the first place so he is putting up road blocks at every decision. We are doing this on a VERY small budget, so its really more of a make over than a remodel. The biggest disagreement was over a drop ceiling. He thought my painting the cabinets white would make it look cheap but he wanted to keep the ceiling. His style sense is stuck in the 70's.
Eventually in my marriage I have come to learn that the argument is over much faster if I just do it. Otherwise we would have the same fight for years. So I took down the ceiling one morning and he was mad at me for about a day. Of course,he's used to coming home from trips to discover a room has been repainted or a wall removed. I wouldn't recommend this approach for everyone. A lot of husbands are not like mine. He'll fight forever and not compromise and we won't get anywhere, but he gets over things fast when I do it the way I want. For us, that means less arguments and a happier marriage in the long run. One day of being mad is better than years of the same argument. And there was no way I was making over my kitchen and leaving up a drop ceiling.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Annie- You have to know what works for you! My SIL did an entire remodel herself...and my BIL was not that supportive. Of course, once it was done (and looked great) he tried to say it was all his idea...somewhat tongue in cheek (LOL). What a goofball. Glad my husband is much more supportive :)


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

There are lots of great suggestions in the previous posts, especially the secret weapon. My adds are:
- try not to make joint decisions under a time constraint. It's too late this time, but if you've been working on the choices for over a year the counter should have been haggled out long ago.
- when I do the research (and I do) I only show him things that I like. He gets a choice because his opinion matters, so first we talk a lot about what would make us both happy, for our kitchen those were discussions about cost, maintenance, colors - then I take those discussions and come back with actual samples.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

Meet in the middle. Keep looking till you find something you both like.

He wanted dark hand scraped floors , I wanted smooth natural walnut with an oil finish. We ended up with a medium tone stained walnut, prefinished and mildly distressed. Giving up the oil finish which was
hard for me but he really, really, really didn't want anything that required routine maintenance.

I wanted walnut cabinets, he wanted something really dark but didn't like walnut. We ended up with natural cherry. We just each have to give up our pick if we can't agree and agree to compromise on something we both like, and then fact that we are both happy makes us both love our common choice.

Takes time, so we have to allow a long time to come to agreement, but it keeps us happy overall and gives us a house that reflects the work that we have jointly done.

Conversely, if we find something like a rug that we both say we like, I buy it in a heatbeat before either one of us can confuse the situation by finding another :-)

Put on plywood counter tops and live with them till you find a counter that makes you both happy.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I've sold a heckofalot of countertops in my day. I can't recall when a male has prevailed in such a dispute. Ever.


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

I can't help but read this again....this thread is so incredibly entertaining! I forgot all about that old secret weapon thread.....


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

******* update *******

Since this was resurrected, I'll give an update... first of all, thank you to all of you who responded. I did read even if I didn't respond to each and every one of you. Your advice was and is much appreciated.

Secondly, we have come to a compromise of sorts. I found a different slab that is closer in coloring to what I wanted but still the same "model" if you will as what dh wanted. So I think we are good. We are getting final quotes so now I just need to figure out exactly where to use it: only the island or island and perimeter...

Thanks again for all the advice!

eta p.s. Asked dh if he wanted to see the slab I saw today which was/is my/our pick and he said, "nah, I trust you." So I think another BIG decision is in the can.

This post was edited by ck_squared on Wed, Sep 25, 13 at 18:53


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

We back off and talk about the issue again later after we've both had a chance to think about it. Sometimes it seems like he conveniently "forgets" that we've talked about something if it originally didn't turn out in his favor. Example: the "do we drywall the inside of the garage" discussion. Drywalling the ceiling, not the walls (drywalling *log* walls was never an issue). We came to an agreement - in my favor. He kept forgetting that we'd had that discussion until the 3rd time around it went in his favor. Now he seems to remember.

But most of the good ideas have come from me. I'm not bragging. I hope. He's an engineer, tends to think logically and not creatively. In this house, since we want it to be special and a bit fun, we've needed to brainstorm. I like doing that. Some of my ideas we've tossed. Some have been worth the creative thinking, and I think we both really like them! :-) Or he's a really good faker!


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RE: How do you keep the peace when you and SO have different opin

This is an entertaining thread.
I've read all the way through, and realize that dh and I are extremely fortunate in that our tastes coincide on so many levels, and he's very agreeable after I spend hours researching agonizing over selections.
What I have learned though, after we built a home 10 years ago, is that it all needs to be done at the outset. Because after the initial construction is finished he is extremely resistant to more construction mess.
I had FREE labor offering to help me finish my sewing studio - no go. And the backsplash that we were going to finish after we moved in and lived with a kitchen for awhile - never happened. We sold the house 7 years later, and it was still ABB.
So this house, my studio has been an integral part of the plan, AND I just found my perfect backsplash. I can't join the ABB club, or I will forever be without a backsplash.
It's all just knowing your own particular dynamic.

I'm agonizing right now over which sink to put into the kitchen. I've asked his opinion - he said "get whatever you want"
We've gone over our plans with a fine tooth comb in the last week, and I found a few places where we could change selections or leave off, and he pretty much added everything back in.


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