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lavender_lass

In-laws at the holidays...UUGGHHH!

lavender_lass
9 years ago

I don't think there's a kitchen style that is going to make this any better! Wouldn't it be nice, if we could find the 'perfect' kitchen plan and style that would make 'family' time a little easier?

Another holiday...and another PITA with the in-laws. I always liked my husband's family, before he got sick. Now, not so much. Does anyone else have this problem? My MIL is actually great, but the sibling...yikes!

So, any holiday tips on how to get through another awkward holiday??? :)

Comments (41)

  • Evan
    9 years ago

    Bloody Marys in the morning, martinis in the evening. In laws are far more tolerable with a nice buzz

  • lavender_lass
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    LOL! That's an idea :)

  • ILoveCookie
    9 years ago

    Husband and I are invited to his sister's passover dinner. Sister doesn't get along with most of the family members, including us. But husband feels like we should go, so we are going. I am glad at least husband agrees that we should drive back same night (hope the dinner finishes by midnight but who knows).

    If your in-laws plan to stay overnight, maybe consider booking some room(s) in a hotel ahead of time, and having them stay there instead?

    My MIL sometimes books hotel for us, and I find it relaxing not having to be with her all the time, even though she is a wonderful and thoughtful person. Nowadays husband and I just book hotel ourselves when we visit her.

    This post was edited by ILoveCookie on Wed, Apr 16, 14 at 14:18

  • annkh_nd
    9 years ago

    How long will they be staying? Will they stay with you?

  • gabbythecat
    9 years ago

    Can you invite lots of people? Even extras - neighbors, etc - to help spread the "problems" around. Also, can you put a time frame on this event - you have plans in the evening, but you'd like it if they could stop by for dinner (dessert?) in the afternoon.

  • crl_
    9 years ago

    In laws stay at hotel. I am very, very busy when they are in town. I set up things they can do with the kids without me--puzzle to do with dd while I cook dinner, take ds out for ice cream while I put dd to bed, etc

    Last night my neighbors needed me for emergency child care right at dinner time. Best thing ever! I got very busy adding to dinner so the vegetarian kid would have something to eat. And their kids totally diverted everyone's attention. Then their mom came to get them and I got her to stay for dinner too and she chatted with the in laws. It was great. Invite more people over. People who aren't family.

  • annkh_nd
    9 years ago

    Do you have old family photo albums? They can look at old pictures and reminisce.

  • Mgoblue85
    9 years ago

    I agree with the above suggestions - invite others...lots of non-family members and make it more of a party event than a family one - with a specific end time. If they need to stay over night, book hotel rooms for them. And, ensure you, at least, have adult beverages at hand to sustain you until the end.

  • lavender_lass
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    Lots of great ideas! Thank you :)

    Mostly just venting about my SILs and BILs and wondering how my husband can be so wonderful....and they're, not.

    We're supposed to go see THEM, but my husband is still using a walker (cane in the house!) and they don't want him to upset his mother. She still doesn't know he was sick. So, it's don't come or use the cane and pretend you twisted your ankle. It's so inconvenient to them that his nerves don't grow back on THEIR schedule.

    That being said...my husband is getting much better and the warmer weather is GREAT, since he can walk up and down the road, with his walker. Lots of exercise and helps with his balance. This drama, however, does not help....

  • annkh_nd
    9 years ago

    LL, so great to hear about DH's improvement! It does sound like you got the pick of the litter...

    It's too bad you have to be secretive with MIL. We did the same thing with my in-laws when my son was struggling with depression and anxiety. It was just easier, especially as they lived far away and didn't see us often.

    Hugs to you for the smoothest sailing you can get, and more lovely weather.

  • lavender_lass
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    Ann- I can see that would be easier...and living far away, there's nothing they can really do, anyway.

    We live 15 miles away and his siblings are saying he SHOULD go see his mom, because her health is bad and she's worried about him. But, he should say he twisted his ankle and if he can't pull that off (which he won't be able to do) then he should (and I quote) 'man up' and do more therapy. They know it's his nerves, not his muscles...they just don't care.

    Meanwhile, MY brother works full time, goes to school full time and has come out the last few Sundays, just to visit and joke around with my husband. He brought pizza last Sunday and they had a great time!

    My brother also started watching the Seahawks this year (my husband's team) and came out to our house to watch the playoffs and the SuperBowl. None of my husband's FOUR brothers or FOUR BILs came to see him. My brother is just a much nicer and more considerate person! :)

  • plllog
    9 years ago

    I'm so sorry! Maybe the sibling is just upset about your husband's illness and doesn't know how to cope? If that's it, maybe some gentle suggestions about what would help or please your husband, or maybe you can assign another family member to talk to the difficult one? Y'know. Like at a wedding?

    One thing that helps, though it's really hard when difficult people invade one's home, is to be forcefully kind and gracious always, and never rise to the bait. It might provoke worse behavior until that person realizes you're not going to react, but it can help. Avoid direct answers to antagonistic statements and questions. Find something in what was said to comment on, instead of answering directly.

    It happened to me once, where the in-law was trying to start a political argument just for the sake of polishing swords, so when I was put on the spot, and couldn't deflect totally without being obviously rude, about a generality, I chose the name of a head of state, whose country was part of the discussion, and whom no one much likes, and said, "We can agree about Mr. X." and refused to be pulled in further. By not disagreeing, and not refusing to make any answer at all, I left the relative with nowhere to go without making it obvious to all that the point was to start an argument rather than have a current events discussion. Shut 'em up nicely. :)

    Even though I've been feeling yucky and regretting the mobs coming this weekend (almost no one declined!), I do feel better now knowing that they're almost all pleasant, and even the worst of them is merely slightly annoying (the person mentioned above lives far away--that's the other secret, if you can swing it!). I'm sorry to be benefiting from your problem, but you have made me feel better. :)

  • annkh_nd
    9 years ago

    I love your brother.

    Do you and DH agree that his Mom would be upset if she knew what was going on? To the point that not telling her is the lesser of two evils? At this point it would be difficult to explain why you haven't said anything. What a pickle.

    "Man up"... this must have been said over the phone, because you haven't said anything about a trip to the ER to mend a broken hand, after you punched someone in the face. I'm so disgusted and hurt by that remark, I can only imagine how it made you and DH feel. Arrrrgh!

    Maybe you should get a nasty case of something highly contagious before the weekend, and call the whole thing off?

  • lavender_lass
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    LOL! It was in an email today.

  • leela4
    9 years ago

    LL-I think I live semi-close to you. I'd be happy to come over and run interference ;-)

    I hate secrets in a family, especially ones like this. While I don't advocate always making everyone in one's immediate family privy to everything, something like a serious illness of one's (even adult) child maybe *should* be the mom's business? I surely would want to know.

    But that's another topic, so all I can says is good luck. Your own brother sounds wonderfully compassionate.

  • Fori
    9 years ago

    Oh how awful. MIL should know, especially since he's on the mend!! And because it would be less stressful for you and DH if she knew, which would probably help him improve faster. And (extra little bonus) because the awful sibs don't want her to know!

    Would it be too much to just call everyone the night before and say you've developed a nasty contagious stomach bug? Or--even better--say you are going to see MIL and thus must cancel.

  • magsnj
    9 years ago

    I threw a party right before i finalized the layout of my small small kitchen. i was trying to decide if i should knock down walls to open up the kitchen and make it bigger. The party showed me that only two to the people should be standing (let alone working) in my kitchen at one time.

    I kid you not, that party convinced me to keep my small small kitchen. I figured i could always have at least one person i like run interference in it with me. And all the people i don't like?? As long as there not in the kitchen with me, who cares where they are.

    My guess is your in laws have more their own best interest at heart and less your mother in laws

  • bpath
    9 years ago

    Forgive me for being forgetful, but didn't you say MIL is coming to live with you? Won't she figure things out? And, BTW, one could choose to use a walker with a twisted ankle. Maybe you could come up with a house emergency, like the water main broke, so you have to go the others'?

  • FamCook
    9 years ago

    Oh boy, that is . . . Complicated. Sorry, no real advice, but lots and lots of empathy. :)

  • sherri1058
    9 years ago

    Obviously I don't know your MIL, but I cannot image that not knowing is better for her health than not seeing her son. If you agree, can you and DH confess that you were sworn to secrecy to protect her health, but now believe it's no longer in her (or DH's) best interest to be kept in the dark?

    If all else fails, I say arrive late and leave early (and pour yourself a large glass of wine in-between).

  • Gracie
    9 years ago

    If he hasn't seen his mother since he got sick and she is in poor health and is worried about him, he needs to go see her, pretending he had an injury if that's what it takes. She's already worried, so how is this protecting her? The poor woman.

  • eam44
    9 years ago

    Lavender Love, you just need a mantra. May I suggest, "Thank God I'm not related to these people." Repeat as necessary through clenched teeth.

    Well all be thinking of you and your husbands hard-won recovery.

  • magsnj
    9 years ago

    Personally, I would've given serious thought to "accidentally" letting it slip to my mother in law. She's not a child. I'd want to know if I were her. And I wouldn't worry about your in laws getting mad at you.... it doesn't sound like there's any love lost there for you.

  • Iowacommute
    9 years ago

    Bpathome, It's LL's mom that will move in with them. I feel weird for knowing that, but I lurk a lot in the small house forum. :)

    This is a pickle. I would want to know if baby (okay she's 3 now, but she will always be my little baby) was sick. I hope our relationship is never so lost as to keep something like an illness from me even if she thought it was for my own good. I think it's really up to your DH (and depending on their relationship), but I would tell him it's his mom too. If he wants to tell her then he should.

    If we were close to you LL my DD would bring her tutus and put on one of her song and dance shows. She has also gotten into jokes and telling long stories and will stop to ask for your full attention.

    Good luck and know there is a pushy broad (my friends call me 'opinionated' ha) on a farm in Iowa always sending good thoughts your way. By the way if you ever need a quilt I would love to send you one. Just email me. :)

  • new-beginning
    9 years ago

    LL - if you are not already a member of the WellSpouse Association, you really might want to consider joining.

  • flwrs_n_co
    9 years ago

    Lavender, I'm so sorry to hear you and DH have been put into this situation by his BILs and SILs. I have to agree with the others about reconsidering and telling DH's mom about his illness. I'm approaching 60 and my 3 boys are all grown, but I would definitely want to know about a serious illness--no matter what my health.

    The nerve of them to suggest DH should "man up". I would send a carefully but definitely terse email back to the sender letting them know what a quality person DH is and how hard he is working at his recovery, and that their negative comments and vibes are not appreciated or in his best interest. Therefore, until they can become compassionate and caring human beings, contact will have to be a bare minimum or terminated. Life is too short to put up with such negative and uncaring creatures.

    Arrange to see DH's mom separately from the rest of the clan. That way you will enjoy your visit with her and she will have your complete attention.

    Whatever you decided to do, you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I'll be sending lots of positive vibes your way. :)

  • plllog
    9 years ago

    I'm sorry, LL. Your post with the details went up while I was posting mine. Cherish your brother. What a good guy!

    As to telling mom, I'm in the never lie to children camp. They feel betrayed when they're lied to. And, unless there's a particular cultural bias against the truth about illnesses (some cultures have them, but not basic American culture), why lie to Mom? Why can't your husband visit her as he is, and just say, "Y'know, mom, I didn't want to worry you, but I've been sick, and now I'm doing great and on the mend," and go to see her already? Once he's done so, the rest of the brood can't pressure him anymore.

    But what I said holds true for dealing with them. Be unfailingly kind and polite, and TELL THEM, come visit on this day at this time to do that thing. He really wants to see you. Give firm and detailed instructions. If they can't follow them, I'm out of ideas.

    I have a problem with a couple of friends (not like brothers at all, I know, but same principle): They've been very ill, need company, but I'm told I can't go near if I could have the slightest thing that could be contagious, so I stay away. Then, when I'm sure I'm well enough, and we make a date for me to visit, they aren't up to it or need to cancel due to an appointment. And they never call me and say, "This is when I want to see you." But then, I end up being called the louse because I haven't been to visit. This is why I say to just tell them what you want them to do. Firm guidance can be very useful. :)

  • LE
    9 years ago

    I would call off the charade, especially since it obviously wasn't your idea, nor did you agree to perpetuate it into eternity. And especially since he's getting better. I would ignore asinine comments from siblings and silently repeat this mantra: "I am not the jackass whisperer." (I read about someone having a reminder sign with this phrase and I love it.)

    You can't fix them, but you don't have to buy into their nonsense. And be glad it is not a weeklong holiday!

  • Annie Deighnaugh
    9 years ago

    I don't know the people involved, but I have seen instances where the siblings or other family members want to blame the sufferer for their illness as it implies it's in their control so they have the power to avoid it. I believe it's the same thing when the young blame the elderly for their issues...it gives them a false sense of security that they have control so those issues won't befall them.

  • CEFreeman
    9 years ago

    Hun, are you more afraid of disturbing an all ready worried MIL, or the anger of the siblings?

    I can't imagine the hurt and probably some anger when MIL does find out DH has been struggling. They might have health items to discuss together. Actually an element siblings can't share, which might be a jealousy thing, too.

    I have to admit I've said frequently, that I am SO glad to have unloaded my in-laws with my divorce. The twisted [ahem] "logic" the lies, the incredibly juvenile competitions for attention, the anger-motivated behavior? Who told whom what or whom wasn't told what?

    I might be one whacked out person, but I believe myself to be reasonable, annoyingly logical and optimistic.

    Don't let those and their twisted conspiracy crap suck you in. YOU two decide your relationship with HIS mom. Not them. Let them mind their own relationship.

    Sorry. This type of thing annoys the crap out of me.

  • romy718
    9 years ago

    "Man up and do more therapy"? What is wrong with these people. And there is something wrong. I guess I'm suspicious but why can't Mom know he's been sick, especially now since your husband is improving. Are the siblings worried he would get more attention, sympathy, help financially from his mother if she knew what you two have been through? She's the mother of 9 children (4 brothers & 4 BIL's)? She can't raise 9 children & be too fragile to know her son has been sick.
    On top of that, you have to host eight families for Easter? And DH has to pretend he's healthy? It's too much.
    Prayers for you & DH, Lavender.

  • scpalmetto
    9 years ago

    Wow, this is a sticky situation and my heart goes out to you. Your original motives seemed like a good idea at the time but look what happens when you try and keep secrets. I am in my 70's and believe me, us oldies have seen it all and little rocks our boats anymore. I am betting your MIL is a lot stronger than folks are giving her credit for. It is disrespectful to think she is too weak to learn the truth. She might freak when she learns one of her children has been seriously ill but she has survived much over the years, give her credit for that. This crisis too will pass. The stress of not knowing is far worse than the truth. If I am reading this correctly she had 5 children, that alone has prepared her for whatever comes along. This is between your husband and his mother, do not let the sibling bullies interfere. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

  • lavender_lass
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    Thank you all for the thought you've put into my situation...and sharing your own relationships :)

    Iowa- You're right, my mom is moving in with us eventually...my MIL is not. She probably should be living with someone, but for now she wants to live independently.

    I was NOT on board with lying to MIL. I am like Plllog and others here...a lie is never a good idea. It's one thing to not offer every detail, but another to make up an outright lie and deny a mother the ability to know her child is sick and in the hospital...for months. My mom knew the entire time and visited my husband.

    If it were up to me, I'd tell her right now. I would have told her several times, but some of my husband's siblings think they know better than everyone else. With nine kids in the family, there are some (to me) strange relationships there...but on my side, it was just me and my brother. I was oldest, I told him what to do. No problem! (LOL) And then he turned 5 and those days were over :)

    Seriously, I do appreciate all your input and I will just have to see what happens. My husband will have to decide when he wants to see his mom and how he wants to tell her. The least his sibling could do is be there to take ownership of their 'story' but that is probably expecting too much.

    And for those, who suggested I frame a stern but polite response to my BIL....well, that ship has sailed. I grew up in the Air Force and now live on a farm and while I can be very polite, have worked in some very 'polished' businesses and have taken diplomacy classes in college....I was not diplomatic in my response. I think they understand Exactly how I feel and I don't think there will be any more demands for my husband to Man Up.

    And this will be one Easter we will not be spending with his family....

    This post was edited by lavender_lass on Wed, Apr 16, 14 at 13:34

  • romy718
    9 years ago

    I was able to boss my little brother around until he was physically stronger than I was. Then I learned exactly how far I could push him.
    Seriously, I'm so glad your brother & your Mom are there for you & DH.
    It sounds like your husband's illness has brought your family even closer together. It's unfortunate about his family. Their loss.

  • a2gemini
    9 years ago

    Way to go LL!
    I am in your camp that the lie should never have started.
    It is so hard to undo the inevitable hurt from the lie.

    Lavender- I am so glad your DH keeps improving. Hold your head high as this is not your pickle. Invite your MIL to visit without the siblings to help right this issue.

    A few years ago, a good friend had a a recurrence of her breast cancer. She chose not to tell her parents right away as her mom was going to have surgery and didn't want her to worry. My friend had her first treatment, slipped into a coma and passed away. She never had a chance to say goodbye to her parents or friends(she tried to hide it from her husband but he figured it out). Her parents did come to the hospital to say goodbye while she was in her coma but the grief she tried to avoid was worse in the end. I miss my friend.

  • sjhockeyfan325
    9 years ago

    I hope you get this resolved in a way that let's MIL know what went on (past tense) and that things are fine now. But I agree, a lie is a lie. Many years ago, my mother's best friend asked my mother to lie for her to the friend's father when she went in for surgery. She came out of it fine, but her father never spoke to my mother again.

  • annkh_nd
    9 years ago

    Lass, I hope I speak for everyone here when I say we care about you. I personally love your posts, and the thoughtfulness that goes into them.

    Reading this thread from your perspective, you may feel picked on or guilty, even if the responses are well-intentioned.

    I want you to know that I understand that it's a heck of a lot easier to tell someone else what to do than to do it yourself. I also understand how incredibly difficult it is to disrupt the status quo - even if the status quo makes you uncomfortable.

    Big hugs, my friend, as you muddle through this weekend.

    Ann

  • sjhockeyfan325
    9 years ago

    Ditto what annkh said. I wasn't picking on you, I hope, just hoping you'd take all this in, and "come clean" so it won't hurt you and your DH in the end.

  • lavender_lass
    Original Author
    9 years ago

    Oh, I didn't think anyone was picking on me, at all! I appreciate all your comments :)

    I would tell my MIL right now, if it was up to me. My concern isn't just about the lie...but I do think it was the wrong thing to do. What makes me so frustrated is that my husband is now between the proverbial rock and a hard place. The one person, who was out of it and didn't have a thing to do with this lie (two of his brothers and one sister started all this) is stuck having to deal with it.

    If he tells his mom the truth...and she has a bad reaction and ends up in the hospital...he'll blame himself. If she doesn't see him...and continues to worry and ends up in the hospital...he'll still blame himself. And of course his siblings will blame him, too...although this is not his fault. And to make it worse, his siblings are insisting he visit his mom, continue lying to her, convince her he's fine and somehow that will magically make her feel better.

    This is like a really bad made for TV movie...I told my husband that he is in a no-win situation and none of this is his fault. He got sick...it happens! His family lied to his mom and now she's going to find out. They're going to have to deal with it. She's been in and out of the hospital the last few years (heart trouble, high blood pressure, etc.) but she's also dealt with DIL's cancer, BIL's cancer (both doing well for now) and her only great-grandchild being born premature and spending a couple of months in the hospital.

    The woman is tougher than they want to admit...and isn't it odd that everyone else can tell her about their dramas, but they lie about my husband's illness. This only worked because we live out of town on our farm. My husband calls her, but he's running out of excuses as to why he hasn't visited for the holidays. As I said, she's not my mom...but my husband shouldn't have to be the one to take the blame for their lie. He's got enough on his plate. Add a few colorful phrases...and that was basically my email to my BIL :)

  • lam702
    9 years ago

    Yes, nothing ruins a holiday like the inlaws! If your husband is not up to visiting, by all means don't have them over, or go! If your husband needs a cane, or a walker, why is it you have to hide this? How is he supposed to get around without it? I bent over backwards trying to please my inlaws for years, and they still gossiped about me behind my back. Finally, I realized that I really didn't care what they thought, and stopped worrying about it, which was very liberating. Do what is best for your husband and yourself.

  • Iowacommute
    9 years ago

    LL, your in-laws are poo. I can't believe how selfish they are. Man. To be honest thought that is why I moved seven hours away from my side of the family because there are many like that. It's sad, but that was really my main reason for finally giving into DH and moving to his family's farm. We are so much happier up here because his family is super nice and thoughtful.

    There have been so many people in my family close to my 90 year old grandma die I thought she would die of heart break. She's a tough lady though and keeps on keepin' on.

    I hope your DH is able to come to terms with what to do and have the energy to do it. Personally I would tell them to '$*@' but your DH sounds classier than I. ;)