Been there, been there...you have my sympathies. When we were building our house, my dh with support from his custom builder friend, would say, "It'll get done when it gets done," and I was the one trying to deal with the bank and the insurance company, who had DEADLINES. He'd say, "What are they going to do if it's not finished by the deadline?" I didn't want to find out!! I knew it would mean $$. And my nerves were raw from 2 years of living in a 900 sq ft, quickly deteriorating mobile home, with 8 kids. Like your space, there was stuff everywhere.

We are now on year 3 of living in our house, and my kitchen isn't quite done yet! But it's been usable for that time, so that's what I'm happy with.

As far as encouragement goes...Really, it does no good to get aggravated, because as you know, it doesn't necessarily result in the action you want, and it only hurts you. And if the kitchen takes a month or so longer than you'd planned, soon after you're in and using it, the aggravations will be a distance memory and you'll wonder why you gnashed your teeth over a few weeks. Time flies, but only when you're not having fun. :-) Take heart! You'll get there!

Thank you for sharing your story rhome! I can't believe you were able to live in a 900 sf home with 8 kids. I thought we were tight with just the 2 of us and our puppy!

I'm sure the end result will be totally worth it, I just can't wait to get there!!

All I can say, based on our DIY project, is that when we rush, we make mistakes. Not that we wouldn't make mistakes if we dawdle, but we seem to make dumber ones when rushed. Your results may differ.

Tell your DH to quit whining - he could have a wife like me! I'm a real slave driver. My husband has told me that if I ever want to do a major remodel on a house again, I need a new husband first.

Though he does not complain too loud as he knows I'll be working right beside him.

BTW- we started back in 2004 - at this point I'm not sure if we would know what to do if we didn't have a building project to be working on.

Waiting a few extra weeks (or months, for that matter) to have a working kitchen probably won't do you any harm in the long run. Damaging family relationships by putting extra strain into the job with arbitrary deadlines just might. Let the cabinets installation wait if it needs to. You'll get there.

**Waiting a few extra weeks (or months, for that matter) to have a working kitchen probably won't do you any harm in the long run. Damaging family relationships by putting extra strain into the job with arbitrary deadlines just might. Let the cabinets installation wait if it needs to. You'll get there.**

I totally agree.

Also want to mention that it might be worth figuring out if some of this work can be hired out... like, bring in an actual electrician for the lights, etc. If your budget isn't so close to the bone that an extra few hundred here or there would break you, hiring out some of the work in a sensible way can be a great compromise: hubby gets to not have so much on his plate, you get your kitchen done earlier, and there's no nagging/fighting about what hubby is or is not doing.

When I say "in a sensible way" I mean, for example, take whatever the hubby least wants to do and hire someone to do it. Or take whatever hubby's skills are the most borderline at (say, electrical or plumbing, as the case may be) and hire someone to do it.

We have been working on our DIY kitchen basically since 2007. This is how I handle the stress of both the remodel and the husband: I load a PEZ dispenser with Xanax and my Tic Tac container with Valium.

What kitchen? :^p ;^)

(Let's just say I can totally empathize with you!)

good point florantha. So far I can't think of any major mistakes that we couldn't adjust to and move on, but now's not the time to start!

lol macybaby, that's funny about needing a new husband.
I'm a great assistant and if I could do more on my own I would.
This was mostly DH's idea, and after this he wants to install new windows and reside the house. I'd better start praying that tyvek siding comes into fashion in the next year or so :)

oh yeah, and then there's the deck he wants to install, the bathroom he wants to put in upstairs and the pool he wants to build. fun stuff :)

Quit nagging your husband. It sounds like there's no urgent deadline - your cabinet maker seems fine with the delay. The only issue is your anxiety. Have some wine and relax. It'll get done when it gets done. A previous poster was right - if you rush things, you'll likely make mistakes.

Over 2 years working on it. There have been financial delays, physical delays, psychological delays, holiday delays, stubborn moody delays, I'm not going to be owned by this project delays, I'm going hunting delays,... get my point?

There is some truth in the it'll get done when it gets done comment. If I knew how to physically do it myself or had unlimited funds and could surprisingly hire out the work... I would have by now and it would have been done.... but "whatever". "Whatever" is really really helping me cope.

Thank you for the ideas and the perspective mnerg and ideagirl. DH saw that I was on here and asked what I was typing and I told him I was concerned that he was getting burned out and we weren't going to be ready for the cabinets. I told him I didn't want to get aggrevated and make mistakes and regret rushing and he agreed and said it would be best if we pushed back the installation by a week. I'm terribly disappointed but I understand it's for the best.

And if we hit a wall again I'm totally taking shelayne's suggestion :)

so true weissman. thanks.

remodelfla, I think the "I'm lazy and going to sleep till noon on my day off" delays are what have set us back the most.

And he doesn't want to hire out any help. This is his project and he'll do it and I just ahve to relax. it'll be fine

Sending empathy and good wishes. We're in the same boat. Have been cooking in the basement since June and have many months yet to go. DH is doing everything himself except the tile. Making new cabinets in a new layout using the original gumwood panels for the doors and drawers. I just don't want him to get stressed as he is overwhelmed without my adding any of my own anxiety. And as Florantha says, rushing leads to mistakes.

When we did our bathroom (using a contractor) it became a huge debacle. It just halted and then we had to find a new contractor. Took well over a year from start to finish. But I just love it now and try to hold that thought when I'm standing there in the basement trying to remember where I put something . . . .

We started September 13th or so and had a working kitchen by the Saturday after Thanksgiving. DH has every other Friday off and took off a week so we could get a solid start. I think if he didn't do that, it would be a long time. We completely gutted, rebuilt stud walls, new subfloor and floor, new plumbing/electrical/roof flashing for brand new vents and on top of all that, we bought Ikea cabinets we put together.

I am honestly surprised it didn't take til Christmas. We're not quite done (he's making shelves, putting in molding and backsplash) but we've been able to cook atleast.

Best of luck to you! Perhaps you should blog, we started a blog so I could show him when he was frustrated how far we've come.

Good luck to you Sayde!! Did you have any idea it would take that long? I think it wouldn't be quite so bad if I had any actual prep space and more then a toaster and microwave to cook with. My mom lives 4 miles away and my grandmother lives across the street so we don't have to eat out constantly but I cannot WAIT to cook again :)

igarvin, that's roughly the same scale renovation we're doing as well except the cabinets. We have a roughly 13' x 18' space and it was all plaster/lathe, so that had to all come out. The load bearing wall was removed and the 5' deep sunroom came off and was rebuilt (all but the roof) in a weekend. All new windwos and back door were installed. The old subfloor is removed and the joists were leveled (sort of) and the new subfloor is done. The new oil burner and oil tank and tankless hot water heater (with new propane tank) are in and the old chimney has been removed.

I actually do have a blog but it's more a life blog then a remodeling blog. But we have come a long way in 2 months. We can see the light at the end of tunnel. I just need patience.

If you had hired a contractor to do it all for you, you might have ended up with even longer delays.

There are lots of threads on this forum sharing contractor nightmares. Endless delays, indifference, unanswered calls and emails, unexplained lengthy absences, shoddy and unsafe work, putting one project on hold for another, running through the money too fast and walking off are just a few of the contractor nightmares posted here in the last year or so.

If it really does drag on, get a few estimates for the things you need and then compare with the cost of waiting a few more weeks.

I agree with the others who say that waiting a while isn't the end of the world. We did a DIY kitchen and it took just shy of five months from demo to the last coat of paint on the pantry doors. There were points where a lot got done -- mainly long holiday weekends. But the rest was very piecemeal. Although we planned to do some work in the evenings after work, we found that we were tired, it was dark, and a few hours wasn't enough time to get much done. We changed focus and didn't work on the kitchen during the week, and busted it on the weekends. That "allowed" us to have some downtime where we weren't feeling guilty for not working on the kitchen, because it was planned that way.

I think that planning in the down time may work for you. Otherwise you will always be quietly pacing and seething when nothing is getting done, and your DH will be sitting very still hopin not to draw your attention or hear you open your mouth for fear of a conflict.

craftlady, neither of us had any idea it would take this long. May-be that's not a bad thing. If someone had told me I would be trying to make the annual Beef Wellington in a toaster oven in the basement I would have said "hold the phone, I'll learn to love the old kitchen!" (and believe me it was old -- circa 1978 appliances and cabinets original to the house-- 1927!)
It has been a learning experience on many levels. It bemuses us when people visit, and they cannot understand why it is taking so long. My DH is doing all the cabinets by hand. Although we're retired, one cannot work on this all day every day -- have to go to the gym and have a "regular life" or you'll go mad. I have to say one of the good things about DIY is not having to deal with contractors and subs and their schedule kinks and screwups. ( Not that we haven't had some of our own screwups along the way.)
I have no choice but to just let it take what it takes. We savor every inch gained.

Ha!!!! Yay, laxsupermom. I need to try your excellent solution :)

This is a thread I can totally relate to.
We moved in to the house Nov 2008. We originally planned to take the roof off and add another floor to the house. MAN am I glad that turned out to be too expensive. We're miserable now, I can't imagine how bad it would be if we'd attempted even more.

In March 2009 we started gutting. We had a workable kitchen within about 3-4 months, if I recall.......... BUT it's still not finished yet! We did not have ANYONE over during the holidays, either year, because I can't stand it that the first thing a visitor sees when they walk in the door is the wall of door-less pantry cabinets overflowing with canned goods and baking pans, and plywood pantry counter with Sharpie marker all over it... We even have the cabinet doors in the basement (and that was MY doing, DH said he was going to build them but I knew it would be years, so I bartered my time with a cabinetmaker for them over the summer) but they're still not installed. No toekick in the kitchen, nor trim, nor pantry sink, nor pantry counter,nor window trim, nor......

To be fair, we had some unforeseen issues we had to deal with... major drainage problems and a major mold problem that required gutting the master bathroom and re-doing it.... so intellectually I understand the delays, but it is STILL so frustrating.

DH works hard at his job all day. He never takes vacations (unless its to do house work) and he never sits around and watches sports or anything. He works REALLY hard for us. I really don't want him to have to be so miserable, but on the other hand I DO really want to just get the darn renovation done, already, so we actually CAN relax, sit around doing nothing, and enjoy living here.

Actually, over the holidays I did suggest that he just take it easy a couple of days, and I hadn't made any lists or plans for projects (no blue tape where the pot lights needed to go)... and it was great. In fact I think he actually accomplished more little house projects those days, because I wasn't saying, "Here's what we need to get done today!!!" He was able to spend a half hour at atime dubbing on the computer but then he'd get up and go find a project that needed completing. So that was effective. Still, I'm going to try laxupermom's tactic this week, I think ;)

Hang in there. In the end, you're going to have a beautiful kitchen, and it will be all the more fulfilling because you'll be able to say, "We did this ourselves!" ....and..... you WILL forget most of how awful it is now. (Not such a good thing, becaue then the next house you'll go, "Oh, we renovated the last one DIY, sure this one needs a bit more work but we can TOTALLY handle it!".... ask me how I know ;).....)

Cafterlady07,

You are not alone. I too have been in your shoes.
Renos are stressful. Now is the time to be good to each
other. Hugs, kisses and even a sense of humor about the
situation you are in. One thing that worked for me was
humor. This is your best friend and together you will enjoy
the finished product. When you can not laugh, and it gets
really bad, walk up to him, hug him and say.

"Can we just close our eyes, hug each other and
pretend we are standing in our new beautiful kitchen."

Because I would bet he wishes it were done too!
Lots of cyber wishes your way
((((((((((((((((((( Reno kitchen wishes)))))))))))))))))
~bp

I want to add support and good thoughts to this thread. I haven't necessarily figured out how yet... but I have good intentions.

My poor husband would be aquitted for in a court of law for just whacking me to death with a 2x4. I am a perfectionist freak and he is without a doubt the patient most gentlest greatest guy ever. EVER.

I love the little booger.

Too bad I also want to kill him.

There's a reason a major remodel is a relationship killer. I'm not done with my remodel, and can't even IMAGINE the light at the end of the tunnel at this point, but I know from my work with others that eventually the pain does end. It's going to get there. I swear.

laxsupermom - yup, there are ways to keep a guy happy. DH and I joke about which contractor I need to sleep with to get the project done (since he is all of them). The other day he was complaining about some electrical work, and I told him he should just be glad I didn't need to sleep with the plumber for that part of the project.

Had to laugh about the comment "I hope tyveck siding is in style" LOL - the front of my house looked like this for over a year.

And like this for most of the summer after that. Though this housewrap also says "MENARDS" in big letters.

We have a couple of arial photos of the place during different phases of the construction. I'm hoping to get another one this summer - the house finally is all one color siding and one color roof!

C

Well, I had a little cry about it last night and slept on it and this morning I woke up feeling much better about it. Just because the timeline is getting pushed back a week I realize that I'm lucky enough to even have a timeline.
Steff, you're soo right, at least we only have ourselves to answer to (and to blame). There is no way we could hire anyone to do a project like this. DH would end up ripping it out to do it his way anyway.

jakeabedy, I think it was very smart of you to realize early on that working all day and then working on the kitchen at night was not going to work for you. In the beginning we were both so gung ho about everything that we were able to get quite a bit done in the evenings and every day there was at least a little bit of progress. After the first 5 weeks or so DH would come home and be too tired to work on anything and admittedly I was pretty happy to just relax myself. And then he decided to take those 2 weeks off from work and made himself his own list of things he wanted to get done (I didn't pressure him, he wanted to be done with drywall by the time he went back to work). But that's a little hard to do when you sleep in every day to 11am (except 1) or take a 4 hours nap in the afternoon. I understand it's his time off from work and he deserves it and I didn't really expect that he'd be ready for drywall by the end of the vacation....but I also really wish he never would've told me that was his goal because it just ate at me the whole time. That's when the frustration began and it's been snowballing since then.

And I think all the planning is done except finalizing the paitn color. I'm afraid if I revisit any of the decisions that have already been made, things might start changing and that'll set us back or it'll just piss off DH and That's not something I really want to do either.

Sayde, I completely agree that the renovation work can't consume your life. And kudos to your DH for building the cabinets, that's a huge undertaking!

laxsupermom, thank you for your very candid response, I appreciate it! :) And you know, I think that is the very thing that needs to happen to get us over this hump.

Staceyneil, perhaps we're living parallel lives. When we moved into this house there were some serious discussions about removing our second floor and redoing it completely. Thank heavens DH realized that was way too much and we can live with the space we have, just make it better. There was a time he was considering making the cabinets and I was willing to go along with that....yikes! I'm not sure what stage we'd be at now if he had decided to go that route, but I can be darn sure we wouldn't be talking about a potential installation date for many more months. I truly hope you guys are able to start crossing off the to-do list items in the very near future! I have a strong feeling I'll be living without trim for quite some time, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

And Boxerpups - DH and I have done the closed eyes and dream thing on a number of occasions and it does work, thanks for the reminder. it's been a while :) And you're so right, he does wish it was done too. I need to remember he's not superman or a robot and when he sets lofty goals I really should speak up and try to bring him back down to earth I think.

And in the mean time I'll just keep repeating "it'll get done and it'll be worth it". and drink my wine out of a red plastic cup :)

laxsupermom,

I LOVED that. Very funny. I think a lot of times women harp on their men when their are two things they could remember...

#1 you can use a saw, a hammer and a paintbrush just as well as he can
#2 it's not all about the darned house, step back, take a break, I don't care how fast you want it done, sometimes you both just need to step away

nicely said and creatively handled on your part.

Rene

Thank you laxsupermom! Thank you! Someone once wrote "We read to know we're not alone," and right here is the living proof. Moreover, this isn't just about kitchens -- it's about dealing -- with frustration, anxiety, disappointment, elation, relationship dynamics --someone ought to write a book . . . .

I cannot tell you how many times I have read passages out loud from these threads to my DH, and how it has helped us stand back and look at ourselves and this whole process and just press "reset."

OMG I loved this thread, it made me feel so much better about everything that has gone on with my DIY kitchen remodel. the time it has taken, the tension with my DH, etc. I also love the sex solution!! I have nothing creative or pertinent to add, other than I am experiencing the same thing, and it sure nice to read about it from others and know I am not the only one.

Thanks for the support morgne - and I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel!

macybaby - Thanks for the visuals :) haha, I wouldn't care too much if I didn't live on a street of ...well no offense to anyone here, I say this with respect...old people(remember my nana lives across the street) and they all talk so I know we're the talk of the block this past month with our stove sitting out on the front porch. I can only imagine what they're saying :)

doggonegardner - you're very right on both points but
#1 I do use those tools and every time I tell him to sit down and I'll do it he just won't. He gets offended and pissy when I try to do it without him ,so it's better if I just sit and wait for him to do it. I've offered nicely, I've tried to just do it...it just doesn't work for us.
#2 Again, such a true statement and one I definitely needed to hear. I think I wouldn't have gotten quite as emotional about it had he not said his goal was drywall by the end of his vacation (which was pretty much the whole point to his vacation, granted he did get things done, but nearly as much as he wanted to) which did not get done.

Look at it from the other point of view, it could be worse. We started our remo/reno the week after Labor Day, and got countertops installed Dec 21st, and in the next two days I got all the appliances and sinks operational right before wifey's parents showed up for Christmas.

In my opinion, two months with DIY AND living in the space at the same time is quite fast. A week wont be a big deal.

That being said, I have spent more nights than I can count working from 9pm-whenever after wifey, 8 month old, and dogs have all hit the hay. I also got in an hour of work at 5am on the days when wifey was at the gym (she goes three days a week, I get the other two and saturday). So I can understand how you would be frustrated with your husband sleeping in till noon. I think my wife was able to keep from getting frustrated because I was always doing something, whether working on kitchen, making dinner, watching our little boy, etc.

I dont have a good suggestion for you, and it is probably too late now because vacation time is over and your husband is probably back at work.

From the male point of view, though, nagging is the absolute worst thing you can do. Maybe you can work with him and put together a checklist of things that are left, and try to put together a timeline of when and how it will get done. Assuming you have no other responsibilities (young children or odd working schedule), I would also encourage you to be right there beside him. My dad has come over and helped out some, and it makes everything so much more positive, just having someone to discuss things with and lend a hand, regardless of actual ability.

Wow! Thanks for getting what I was saying, everyone. I hesitated to put the story out there. DIYs are hard. Sometimes a question can be heard as a criticism and feelings can get hurt all around. Nobody wants to feel like the hired help or the slavedriver with the whip(unless you're into that kinda thing.) It's important to take a step back and remember why you picked this person to be your partner through the construction and beyond.

Craftlady, I hear what you're saying about him wanting to do things himself. We have defined jobs for every DIY. I do floors, tile, paint. He does plumbing, electrical, and most carpentry. Can I do light carpentry or install a toilet? Sure, but he'd prefer to do them so I assist, but take his lead on when those projects might occur. Could he paint? Absolutely, but I'd prefer to do those jobs to my exacting standards.

In my DIY, done in spare time, it was almost six months between demo and first cabinets going back in. Lots of structural work and three coat plaster repairs. Moving doors and windows, taking up and relaying the antique pine floors, on and on.
Tell him there's plenty of time to be burned out after he's finished!
Casey

**If you had hired a contractor to do it all for you, you might have ended up with even longer delays.**

Omigod I second that. So true. At least if it's a DIY delay, it doesn't make you hallucinate that you can actually hear your money being repeatedly flushed down the toilet.

najohnson, it is nice to know you're not alone, but it still stinks that we've had to be in the position in the first place. ::sigh, it will be worth it though:: :)

theballs, I know what you're saying about having someone there to at least be there to bounce ideas off of and generally have someone there to hand your tools or see if something looks right or not. That's what I'm there for :)
And I do try to keep the nagging to a minimum :) and I know that even if I think I'm not nagging, he's probably hearing it like I am. Let it be known that he's out with the boys tonight, going to a funeral tomorrow (obviously not a fun thing) and another night out with the boys again tomorrow night and I bit my tongue (as hard as I could) and will let it go. He doesn't go out often, and the party tomorrow night has been planned for weeks so I'm not going to make an issue out of it. But given the fact that he's going out 2 nights in a row I can be pretty sure nothing's going to get done Sunday either. SO, with that said, chances are good that the 1 week delay will surely turn into 2 or more. ::sigh, but it will get done and it will be worth it::

laxsupermom, the separare project responsibilities is a very good idea. I'm a great assistant (he will admit that) and he is better at all major aspects of the reno then I am, but I am the painter. :)

sombreuil_mongrel, haha, I laughed when I read your response (not the fact that it took 6 months, sorry about that) but that's exactly what I think too!! :)

ideagirl, I'm gonna keep that in mind, thanks! :)

Glad my "it could be worse" scenario helped a bit. We are DIY for 99% usually so I've worked around all kinds of inconvenience for way longer than I ever imagined. It's just the way it goes. I just think about how much I will enjoy the results when it's done.

Well I know *they* say everything happens for a reason, and I guess they're right :) My cabinets were originally scheduled to be installed today and we had a snow/ice/rain storm today. That would've been a yucky wet mess!

After my vent post here we're back on schedule and things are going smoothly in anticipation of the cabinets getting installed next week.

DH wired the last of the electrical boxes this morning and tonight we'll get drywall on the last wall (about 13' long with a doorway and some electrical boxes but that's it, easy stuff) and then we can start spackling. We hope to be ready for primer friday night and then we'll paint over the weekend along with installing the radiant floor heat panels and the cement backerboard. I think he's got a couple of buddies coming over again to help over the weekend so it should go relatively quickly.

I just wanted to follow up and say that my moment of freaking out has passed and things are all going to work out :)

I've also picked up the granite sample and picked out the paint colors and fabric for the curtains and the banquette seat cushion in the passed 2 weeks so that really did help me feel like things were getting accomplished!

Glad to hear things are looking up :)

This is one of my all time favorite threads. lax, your husband is a lucky guy (and I will *not* be reading this thread aloud to my husband, haha)

morgne, your post was hilarious -- classic statement on marriage (nearly every marriage):

"I love the little booger.

Too bad I also want to kill him."

Everytime I think about it I start laughing again. Thanks!

Crafty, I, too, am glad things are looking up. :-) Hang in there.

Hang in there Andrea! It's the end result you're looking for, no matter how long it takes! It will all be worth it in the end!! Sending hugs your way, girl!! :0)

I'm so excited for you, craftlady!! I can't wait to hear how your install goes and how much you love the cabinets!! I think, after all the drama, we are going to Blue Mtn Friday to rework the layout and quote. I am 99% sure I am going to get another position with my company (not sure if you saw my other post?), and we already have the money in the bank so we're going for it! Fingers crossed for both of us!!!

Thanks Stacey!
Kris, I know right...haha, this turned into a really great thread :)

Thanks Lisa, I know you're so right! :)

kngwd, I did read that thread so long ago and totally forgot to respond. I was so disappointed for you but I'm so happy that you have some good news! I'll certainly keep my fingers crossed for you, definitely keep me posted!

I'm glad everyone is feeling better... me too. That said...
laxsupermom = GENIUS!!

Yay! I'm glad things are working out. I think in every remodel, DIY or otherwise, there is a point where you wonder if prison is really so horrible. I'm glad you're through to the other side.

Hee hee. remodelfla, I've loved seeing all the progress going on in your kitchen. Glad things are working out for the both of you.

Hmmm...wondering if LAXsupermom's advice would work with my contractor??!!!!!!!!!

For your sake I hope you have a cute contractor!