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For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when laughi

Posted by loves2cook4six (My Page) on
Mon, Aug 4, 08 at 21:40

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair
And now... wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
few hours:
Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of
hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get
warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)
and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to
the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a
long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself ....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch.
I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up
on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what
to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone
put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of
the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks
or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off
with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Now that's funny . NOT!!!

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when la

TOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNYY!!!!!!! Are you for real?
Did you notice the advertisement for HAIR GROWTH for bald men in the right hand column (on my computer any way) ?????

RE: For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when la

You have got to be kidding. Sorry, I know there must have been all types of physical amd psycho pain going on. But can't stop laughing. Although I was waiting for you to continue the story with having to call 911 and an experience in the emergency room. Thankfully that didn't happen. I'll be sharing this story for a very long time.

Can you even walk now? And on a serious side, make sure you use an antibiotic or something to soothe this. Nothing with perfumes, etc. in it. I'd hate to hear something worse evolved.

RE: For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when la

Very funny; although I remember reading this years ago, I don't know if it was here or over at BHG. Lovestocook - where did you find it?


RE: For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when la

I howled with laughter...sorry...but Holy Cow! That was ...sorry dang, hysterically funny!!!!!

RE: For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when la

I read this a month or so ago and believe it was one of the funniest things that I'd ever read.......I was just imagining each move she was doing. I sent this off to many, many galfriends and I had so many tell me the same thing. Who ever wrote this certainly had it down to a "T" I think!!!!

RE: For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when la

loves to cook so this WASN'T you?? thank goodness cause I didnt want to bust out laughing everytime I look at your kitchen photos!!! OMG that was the funniest thing.

RE: For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when la

God no!! It wasn't me!!!

I'd about die of embarrassment and NEVER NEVER NEVER have told a soul if that'd been me :GRIN:

RE: For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when la

Just ran across this while searching for "dry wax" for soapstone! Oh my God this is hilarious. Reminds me of a post I read on a blog about a "Brazilian method" I think. It is amazing the lengths we women will go to for hairless skin, isn't it. Thanks for a good laugh.

RE: For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when la

Hilarious! Thanks for sharing the hoo-ha hee-hee!

RE: For us woman only - get a kleenex or a box if you cry when la

So funny! My DH just asked me what was so funny and I was laughing so hard I couldn't tell him!

Dang! Now my "laughing asthma" just kicked in...that's a sure sign of a great story! I think the last time I laughed so hard was when I read the story on eBay from the woman who was selling Pokemon cards her kids had secretly added to her shopping cart!

Here is a link that might be useful: Adventures in Grocery Shopping (on her blog) from 2007

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