All hair removal methods have tricked women with their

promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair

And now... wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight.

Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next

few hours:

Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of

hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get

warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else)

and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I

mean,

I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other

stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I

get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of

smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak

back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my

bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to

the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a

long strip) I inhale deeply and

brace myself ....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the

strip. CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and

spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing

drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me

so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the

glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch.

I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is

now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up

on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what

to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse

the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture

prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together

is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in

scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied

myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone

put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some

secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -

"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of

the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal

but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly

where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks

or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown

and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off

with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered

in

hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then

dry-shaving the sticky wax

off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm

pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this

event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....

the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY

GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief

and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Now that's funny . NOT!!!