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How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Posted by anovaguy (My Page) on
Wed, Jan 25, 06 at 12:53

I don't know if this forum has ever had one but I figured it might be a good idea to have a thread for jokes that we can share with each other!

Here is the first one to start the ball rolling:

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Testing Sperm Count

An 83 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done.

"I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and bring it back the following day.

The next day the old man returns with an empty bottle.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well", the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out...

We never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

An old married couple goes to the doctor one day.
"Doctor, We're having a few problems in the bedroom" says the wife."
"We'll have to run some tests" says the doctor."
A week later, the couple comes back to the doctor's office.
Well, says the doctor, We can try some medication, it'll cost about $100 a month. So the couple go home and get the prescription filled.

A month later, they're back at the doctor's office.
"Doctor", the wife says, "the medication is not working at all!"
Well, says the doctor, We can try a small procedure, it can be done right here in the office, and it will cost about $2000.
So the husband has the procedure that day.
A month later, they're back again at the doctor's office.
"Doctor", the wife says, "the procedure is not working at all!"
Well, says the doctor, We can try an operation, it has be done in the hospital, and it will cost about $20,000.

The couple quietly talk and the wife says: Doctor we need to think about it. A week later, the wife calls the doctor. "Docter, we've thought it over and we've decided to remodel the kitchen"


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Blonde joke alert.

A man is sitting in his seat on an airplane, reading the paper and waiting for take off when a blonde comes and sits in the seat next to him. She glances down at the headline on his newspaper, "Ten Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She gasps and whispers to him in horror, "Just how many IS a brazilian?"


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

I don't have a text joke but this is good for a laugh.

Here is a link that might be useful: Pair of mugs


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A creative excuse can work ............

A 50-something man in Texas bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind flowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down the Texas Interstate.

He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. The more it is sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the one that is most sheer, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife says to herself, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return the lingerie tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!


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Watch out what you wish for

A man, followed by an ostrich, walks into a cafe.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Little Johnny Perelli slips into the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest says, "Is that you, Johnny? You have committed a grave sin. Tell me who this girl is. Is it Victoria Martinelli?"

"Father, it is me, and I can't tell you her name."

"Johnny, I must know. Is it Tina Menchetti?"

"Father, I cannot say."

"You must tell me, Johnny. Is it Theresa Volpe?"

"Father, I can never tell."

"Johnny, you must reflect on your sinful ways and repent. You must say 50 Hail Marys."

"Yes, Father," Johnny replied.

He slipped out of the confessional and into a pew in the back of the church.

"What'd you get?" asked his friend Nico.

Johnny replied, "50 Hail Marys and 3 great leads!"


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a [nasty dog] on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."


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Dear Dr. Ruth ..............

Desperate situations call for Dr. Ruth


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

I know we are not supposed to talk politics but I've heard the "brazillion" joke told....and it's much funnier without the blonde.

A man and a woman were driving in a car and saw a rabbit. They heard a thump and the woman told the man to stop the car to see if they hit the rabbit. The man knew that they had hit the rabbit and said so. The woman said that she had something that could help. So they get out of the car and go to check the rabbit and see that it's dead on the ground. The woman goes to the rabbit and pulls something out of her purse. She sprays it on the rabbit and the rabbit gets up and hops three times, turns back and waves; hops three times, turns back and waves; hops three times, turns back and waves.

The man is dumbfounded! He askes the woman "What was that?"
She replies "Hair reviver with permanent wave!"


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Here's a visual:

Math Test for blondes
Image hosting by Photobucket

Just to let you know that I'm blonde and was a Math major.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

A duck walked into a drugstore looking for chapstick and asked the pharmacist to put it on his bill.

groan


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Police Alert

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

An old woman goes to the pet store because she is so lonely and wants some companionship. She sees a lovely parrot sitting quietly in a cage with a sign that says:

MUST GO -- NO REASONABLE OFFER REFUSED.

She asks the shop owner what's the deal with the parrot.

"Oh, uh, we over-ordered on parrots. Make an offer."

"Five bucks."

"Sold!"

The old woman takes the parrot home and soon finds out why it was such a bargain. The parrot's got a filthy beak.

"Damn, nice house you got here, b--ch" says the parrot.

"We don't swear in this house, I'm going to put you in the refrigerator until you learn your lesson" says the old woman. After five minutes, the old woman takes the parrot out of the refrigerator.

"S--t, it was helluva cold in there!" says the parrot.

"Now I am going to have to put you in the freezer for a stronger lesson, we don't swear in this house!" says the old woman.

She puts the parrot in the freezer.

After a while, she let's the shivering parrot out of the freezer and to her surprise the parrot is wonderfully polite and uses no bad language.

She tells the parrot that she is sorry that she had to resort to such desperate measures but hopes that they can start anew.

The parrot says, "Yes, maam, I have learned my lesson and you can be sure that I will not use any obscenities again. But can I ask you one question: what exactly did the frozen turkey I saw in the freezer do?"


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Mary and Louise are two elderly ladies who have been friends for years. They take their weekly trip to a neighboring town about 20 miles away for a shopping excursion, with Mary behind the wheel.
They're driving along for about five miles and come to a traffic light. The light has just turned yellow and Louise (who's in the passenger seat), sees a car approaching the light from a side street, but says nothing, figuring Mary will slow down. Mary looks straight ahead, goes through the now-red light without blinking an eye. Louise thinks to herself that she must have imagined that the light turned red, and says nothing.
They continue for another five miles and come to another light. The traffic light is red for them, but Mary doesn't slow down. As they're crossing the intersection, Louise sees a truck coming from the side street who swerves to avoid them. Louise gasps, looks at Mary for a reaction, but again Mary is looking straight ahead and says nothing...no reaction. Now Louise is convinced she's imaginig things and is getting a little concerned about her own sanity and says nothing.
They continue on for another five miles and come to another traffic light. The light is red for them, and once more Mary goes through the light, looking straight ahead. Only this time they almost get broadsided by a tractor trailer, who is honking his horn like crazy. Louise is so shaken up, she turns to Mary and yells "Are you blind? Are you crazy? I know that I'm not imagining things this time! You almost got us killed! Didn't you see the red light? Didn't you see the tractor trailer?". Mary slowly pulls off to the side of the road, turns to Louise and says "You mean I'm driving?".


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Lawyers should never ask a Southern Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answers.

In a trial, A Southern small -town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you. Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more that a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Do a search on THS for johnny99. He's hilarious. Here's one of his stories, he calls "The Illegal Toilet".

Before we bought our house, it sat vacant through the winter. This would have been fine if the the water lines had been drained, but since they werent, we were left with a few pipes in need of repair. When the toilet was running for no reason with some leakage below, I found hairline cracks at the bottom of the bowl; another casualty of the sub-zero temperatures.
I went to see Lenny at the hardware store who said the damage was irreparable and I would need a new low-flow toilet.
"I just want the same model," I said.
"They havent sold those since 94. The government decided to save water, making them illegal. The best you can do is a 1.5 GPF"
"GPF?" I asked.
"Gallons per flush. Uses less water, but doesnt pack much of a punch," he said.
"Do you know any dealers that might carry the old toilets?"
"That would be illegal for me to even suggest such a place," he replied.
"I understand. Ill just have to check out the junk yards"
"Hold on," he said. "It would be illegal for me to suggest a place; however, if you happened to find a card on the floor?" Pulling a card from his pocket; he let it fall to the ground. When I picked it up, Lenny was gone.
I found the place in a bad part of town. It was an old dilapidated building with broken windows. A shady character smoking a cigar sat behind the counter.
"Im looking for an old toilet," I said. He got up, closed the door, and pulled the shade down.
"What makes you think I carry illegal merchandise?" he asked, blowing cigar smoke in my face.
"Word on the street. Look, I dont want any trouble, I just need an old toilet."
"How do I know youre not a cop?" he asked.
"Hey, Im not here to play games. We can forget the whole thing, Ill just go"
"Calm down," he said. "I did a nickel stretch in Quentin for illegal toilets and I have to be careful."
"I understand. So, can we do business now?" I asked.
"Follow me," he said, walking to a heavy metal door in the back. Opening a padlock the size of a car battery, he pushed open the door and threw on a light switch, illuminating row upon row of gleaming toilets, lined up like soldiers.
"These first three rows are all 3.5 GPF," he said.
"Gallons per flush," I said.
"You know your toilet abbreviations," he said. "Im impressed."
"Who do you think youre dealing with, some kid?" I asked.
"Im sorry I misjudged you," he said.
Now that I had his respect; I could negotiate a better deal. I saw a small section of toilets near the back.
"What about those?" I asked.
"You do know your stuff! Those are top of the line bowls, with a 6.5 GPF"
Upon hearing this, it was difficult to remain calm, but I didnt want to blow this deal.
"Ill take one," I said.
"Theyre pricey, are you sure you dont want"
"Enough talk," I said. "Lets do the deal!"
I couldnt show any weakness now; I had come too far. He went back, disassembled it, and packed it in a box, marked: "Government approved, Low-Flush toilet."
Driving home, I kept my eyes on the rear-view mirror, making sure I wasnt followed.
Back at the house, my knees buckled as the shock of what I had done sunk in. I had seen a side of me that I didnt know existed. It took a 6.5 G.P.F. toilet to bring out the evil within, just to have a bowl that could suck down a basketball.
There are drawbacks: I can never allow a guest in my home to use it. The risk is too great they would call the government toilet hotline and turn me in. The rest of my life, I will be looking over my shoulder, living in a constant state of paranoia. Am I sorry I did it? No. Would I do it again? Probably not, I heard the government just enacted a new law:
"Three flushes, youre out!"
I wouldn't want to end up on a chain gang.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Friendship
Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. Being of a suspicious nature, the man called his wife's ten best friends. Not a single one of them knew anything about it.
Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. Of a likewise suspicious nature, the woman called her husbands ten best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Three women-- one German, one Japanese and a Hillbilly-- were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The Hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm gettin' a fax.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

These are allegedly real ads that appeared in newspapers

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for five years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for five years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but b*tch since you got here."


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Showering Protocol - Women vs Men

How to shower like a woman ...

Take off clothes and place in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing dressing gown.

If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out tummy, complain about getting fat.

Get in shower, look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah, and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 addedvitamins.

Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner and enhanced natural crocus oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until redraw.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.

Shave armpits and legs, consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes the toilet and water loses pressureand turns red hot.

Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Mr Muscle.

Get out of shower, dry with clean fluffy towel.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest signs of spots, attack with nairs/tweezers (if you can find them)

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How to shower like a man ...

Take off clothes while sitting on the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to bathroom, if wife seen, shake willy at her while shouting "Whey hey"

Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of willy in mirror, scratch b-lls and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.

Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower. Wash balls and surrounding area. Wash ass, leaving hair on soap.

Shampoo hair, do not use conditioner.

Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo, pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Pee in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower, fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of willy again. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel round waist, if you pass wife, pull off towel, grab willy and yell "Yeah Baby" and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday's clothes.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:

----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
------- --------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------- --------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
---------------------------------------- ------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------------------------- --------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Very funny thread! Those church bulletins reminded me of these medical bloopers, all of which supposedly appeared in actual patients' charts:

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.

Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. X to dispose of him.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.

The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Since she can't conceive I've sent her to a futility expert.

I saw your patient yesterday, who's still under our car for physical therapy.

Ive asked him to call and let me know who he's feeling this week.

Social history reveals this 1 year old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.

Patient called and left word that he had expired last week.

Both her old and new noses have been placed in our album.

His prognosis was poor, having a massive cerebral hemorrhoid.

Patient is to remain plastered for the next 6 to 8 weeks.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease."

"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

PRICELESS........

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, and I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".


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RE: Your collar is backward

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priestlooked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and 2 grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said:
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the stories of a few people who did:

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing fortwo days and a very embarrassed news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? We had a news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

ah eve, moving on to true stories, here's two more embarassing moments:

My friend Mary takes up golf and one vacation day she decides to work on her game on the chipping/putting green of a nice course. Every once in a while she thinks she hears something, looks around, sees nothing, keeps pitching and putting. Finally she hears clearly "Hey, lady!! Get off the green!!" There up on a ridge are many angry foursomes backed up. It wasn't a practice green, but the 18th.

My dear friend Jay is courting an upscale lady, a general's daughter. He has a formal dinner with her family and is on his best behavior. Unfortunately he gets a piece of meat gristle in his mouth, and needing a moment, he distracts the table by saying, "Wow, look at that!!" and pointing out the window. And he cleverly disposes of the gristle. But then he realizes the family is now staring at him uncomfortably. He looks out the window and sees two dogs feverishly humping in the yard.

Both true.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t."


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof! In the blink of the genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Pooooof! Again, in the blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".

The genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out. It's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!


 o
An interesting take on a traffic sign!


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

I know you WOMEN will love this next one!!

Out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the
ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her
and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know
where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," ....I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the
Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "OH .. I get it!" she beamed,"So if you
don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.


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Guys will appreciate this one for sure!

Many is the time when I have thought of sending this response to the numerous spam emails I have received on this subject


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Ladies, this one is for you:


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Drunken lady

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits
alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs
the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we
divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My
God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS THAN WITH A
SINGLE JEW"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Philadelphia.
Most would be outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory
st atement.
One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would
be marching on this business, and that the National Guard might have to
be called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times, one might be tempted to let the
proprietors simply make their statement.
We are a society who holds "Freedom of Speech" as perhaps our greatest
liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what business would dare post such a sign?

Goldberg's Funeral Home


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

I work for the Mathematics and Business Education Coordinator for our local school district, so this is appropriate...;o)

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man to be a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult", Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names, like 'x' and 'y', and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosocles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

My Dad sent me this:

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Craig, the computer guy, to come over. You know the type; thick glasses, unshaven, pocket protector full of pens, pencils and Sharpie markers. Craig clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that..... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ..... I D 1 0 T
I used to like Craig.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Two women were playing golf One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great but......

......................................................
......................................................
.......................................................
........................................................
........................................................
.........................................................
..........................................................
...........................................................
...........................................................

....... my thumb still hurts like hell."


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Baby Boomer Music
Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits
"MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"

The Bee Gees
"HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"

Bobby Darin
"SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"

Ringo Starr
"I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"

Roberta Flack
"THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"

Johnny Nash
"I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"

Paul Simon
"FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"

Commodores
"ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"

Marvin Gaye
"I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"

Procol Harem
"A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"

Leo Sayer
"YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"

The Temptations
"PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"

ABBA
"DENTURE QUEEN"

Elvis
HEARTBREAK HOSPICE

Dylan
LIKE A KIDNEY STONE

Queen
WE WERE THE CHAMPIONS

Beatles
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY MEDS

Dion
LIMPAROUND SUE

The Rolling Stones
LIMPING-JACK FLASH

Tony Orlando
KNOCK THREE TIMES ON THE CEILING IF YOU HEAR ME FALL

Helen Reddy
I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME SNORE

Willie Nelson
ON THE THRONE AGAIN

John Prine
PINK CATARACT

John Denver
ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH (FIBER)

Lesley Gore
IT'S My PROCEDURE AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the middle east. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from
each litter and continued to breed them together.
They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against
the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs woul win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and
swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief.
"We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

Subject: Senior Exercise

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then 50-lb potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

I think we need to bring back some forum fun by resurrecting this thread.

Finally A Good Blonde Joke!

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "No, Sir. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."


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RE: How about a thread for jokes - just to lighten up the day!

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.

"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now, find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.

The pastor and his wife was very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.

One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog.

"HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed 1 paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"


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Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus...

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and it was almost like he was not there.

I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

************************************************************

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.


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  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


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