Hi maifleur, my wife whom I'm separated from has gardenship of the girls, as I'm not Blood relation to them Here in Missouri they stopped the parenting grand parents program, but we get medicare on them and $200.00 in food stamps to help feed them, that is all we get. If we were foster care parents we could get a lot of help. I love the girls as if they are my own and will not turn my back on them, no matter how bad it gets. I was at the V.A. Clinic and did my monthly weight program and had my Blood taken to see if My blood sugars are where they need to be, they wasn't and I ganined the weight back I had lost from walking. They set me up with some more light stretching exorcises and said I should stay with the cane for balance, so that my upper back and neck will remain strong. I had my depression medicine incressed from 150 milligrams to 300 milligrams and was given a new medication to help with pain at night and help me sleep better. I had my primary care doctor, look at my bruise hip and back and had a couple Xrays done on it. Its still sore along with the muscles that I pulled when falling and the abrasions are starting to heal. I used the neck stretching device every other day for three months and all I got from it was more and more neck pain and Migrains, so now I do a few light neck stretches and hope that will help some. They did have me on a lot of exorcises at first when they found out that surgery was out of the question do to the bone disease, many of which I couldn't do, but some did help a little and I still do them as they help me walk better. As Medicare says I make to much money to get most of the help my wife does which house care and nurse that comes in to look at her feet because she is Diabetic and so on, also if she has to go to the Emergincy Room that is all paid for, My Medicare just pays a little over half of any emergincy room visit. I'm still paying on the last one as my share was $563.00 the total was close to $2,000 so I was luckey there. I don't see how they figure I get to much SSI money as a $1,000 isn't very much to begin with and then I cut that in half to give to my wife ,because we still care for each other, but just can't live together, do to economic reasons and the fact I suffer from bad dreams from the War and can get real mad for no reason at all, so we get along so much better since we parted and I take the kids for the weekend or when ever she needs me to, although having them is really stressful, I do yell some, but most of the time I'm in control. It helps if we all take a long walk while they are with me. I have even salvaged a old computer for them to play on although they won't be able to use the internent. George W. Z5-6 Mo

DD50, I'm so sorry that you are having so much trouble finding good in-home care. I wish I had more to offer you other than sympathy. I cannot even begin to imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. Here you are, trying to do what's right; using the resources available; all so you can keep your husband at home. It sounds like the system is actually working against you. What a shame! Although my situation wasn't as difficult as yours, I went through some similar things when we had my mom living with us. We got in-home care from a reputable agency so I could have some free time and to ease the physical burden. I found, like you, that I was spending too much time training the new caregivers and monitoring what they were doing. As we added more & more hours in the hopes of alleviating my burden, the costs became even more than what we had been paying for an assisted living facility. Eventually, I moved my mother into another AL. If you go the NH route, don't become overwrought with guilt. You've done your best. Sometimes you just have to face reality. Your kids need you too. And you can't wreck your own health. If you do, who will take care of your children and your husband? Believe me, just because your loved one is in a NH or assisted living or memory care unit, does not mean you're not their caregiver. You are still looking after their well being. The only difference is that you can go back home and get some breaks. Take care of yourself and always feel free to join in on the forum discussions here. This place has many lovely members who either are going through or have gone through circumstances similar to yours. It's a great source of encouragement and help.

I had to go through this same thing with my mother a few years ago. I have practically become a self educated Medicaid guru. We had taken care of my mother and supplied over 50% of her income for well over 20 years when I realized that at some point in time she would have to go on Medicaid. The first thing we did was stop listing her as a dependent a because I discovered the 5 year look back period and never wanted that hanging over our heads if and when we might need her to be on Medicaid. Once she was on Medicaid I kept meticulous records of all expenditures for her from our income as well as from hers. After the initial application, you still have to fill out annual income reports but if she is already in LTC, then they will do it IF her income is going straight to them. After approval by Medicaid, she will be allowed to keep assets of a total of $2000 max. THe LTC facility will take all of her income minus the $2000 and she will be allowed to have $50 a month stipend (at least in my state) but she can never have over $2000 in assets at any given time. What is a nightmare is if the person comes into money once they are already on Medicaid. THen you have 30 days to spend that down adn the records/ receipts have to reflect the expenditures were for the Medicaid recipient. . My mother was not in a LTC facility at the time she received $12000 from a pension plan we knew nothing about and I had a month to spend $10000 or go through the entire hassle of reapplying for Medicaid. I managed to spend it all on her in that time period as there were some things we needed desperately to better manage her care but it was a real headache. Had she already been in a LTC I would have done what has been suggested to you from others here and that is to just use it for her LTC charges until it has been exhausted. Then the LTC can aid in applying for her and will make it easier for you. While you can have an irrevocable burial plan, you can not use her funds for a lawyer- at least I was told that wasn't allowed in our state (CO). You also can not prepay for anything for her save for the burial plan. Do however, take her to the dentist if she needs dentures for instance and get those, take her to the eye dr, get her needed items to make her life easier in the LTC- a smaller easy to see TV, a DVD player, a cell phone or phone for her room, personal care items she can use there- perhaps a recliner or better walker or wheelchair, any clothing she may need, the nursing home supplies Depends and such so don't invest to heavily in those, a small dorm fridge, a stereo for her room, a laptop computer anything that will make her feel more at home in the LTC and that she needs as long as you keep receipts proving w/o a doubt it was for her and her only. Keep in mind also that the LTC you have her in now, may not keep her once she is on Medicaid, they allot only so many beds to Medicaid residents and could tell you you'll have to find another LTC facility once she is on Medicaid. Hopefully she did not give any great sums of money to her children, grandchildren or relatives in the past 5 years - otherwise the state may request/ require that money be returned or they can deny Medicaid coverage based on that. Applying for Medicaid for people who have any/ had any assets in the previous 5 years is a slippery slope at best. If you or your husband were in charge of her finances, you will also be under scrutiny until they approve application and afterwards if you continue to be in charge of her finances. Once my mother went into LTC, I turned all her financial dealings over to the LTC- made life much easier for me. I wish you all the best. as I know how difficult it is to be a caregiver. I was caregiver to both my parents for 10 years and then solely to my mother for the past 14 (total 24 years of caregiving - started when I was 32) and for a few months also cared for my MIL at the same time. While your parent is living in a LTC is not a perfect answer, staying sane and healthy yourself and keeping your marriage stable and happy as well as having a relationship with your children is also of utmost importance. I did not realize how tired everyone was and how much I had missed with my husband and children and how much time and effort I had actually put into caring for my mother at home as long as I did until she had been in LTC for about 4 months and I realized she probably should have been in an LTC much earlier. While I can't see her everyday any more, the fact that she was forced to go to LTC due to a health issue I wasn't equipped to deal with at home nor were the funds available for 24 hour care, I realize that may have well saved not only her life, but perhaps my health and marriage as well. I am still her primary health care advocate and fight for her rights every day. i check up on the nursing home and her two- three times a week. They never know when I'll be there or what time. Keeps them on their toes. Just be very very careful with her finances and assets.You don't want to get a personal bill for everything you have. Medicaid has done some terrible things to caregivers in the past. Medicaid can be ruthless when it comes to finances.

jkom, Thanks for that article and link. I agree that adding home care greatly increases the premium, but all things considered, I think it's worth the extra premium. I had a quote a few days ago for coverage (both skilled nursing facility as well as home care) for both DH and I. The coverage was $200/day, 4 year max, 5% inflation coverage (compounded) and a 90 day wait period. The premium for us both was $5000/year. The company was one of the big ones. We'll probably go with a $150/day coverage to get the premium down a little. In our area, the average cost is about $175/day. We can handle some financial pain, but not the catastrophic costs of a long term stay in a SNF. I need to ask about the tax qualification of the plan we're looking at, but we have so few deductions that it won't be long before it won't even be worthwhile to itemize, so for us, that isn't a major consideration.