I have been on disability for over 14 years(?) now.

I was in my mid-30's - maybe around 33 yrs old. I had a massive panic attack one day at work (a Friday morning) - out of the blue. (My office full of paramedics and some other group - there must have been at least 15 people swarm into my office that day. I don't remember, as all I could do was keep my head down on the cool desk. Even to try to speak raised my adrenaline (sp) and heart palps.)

"They" tried to take my purse from me. I wouldn't let them have it.

(My hubby's Mother had a heart attack once in middle of night - hubby and I were there that night. All emergency came - asked what, if any, meds she was on. They were given meds, and those meds DISAPPEARED! (Expensive heart meds). Hubby's Father had to call around - eventually the meds showed back up - someone "accidently put in their pocket" and supposedly "forgot".

So, even tho I was in midst of something I had NO clue about and feeling very horrible, I remebered that episode of Mom's meds MIA. I didn't have any meds. I DID have all my personal info and some CC's in my purse.

I was hauled off on gurney to hospital. They stopped along the way to draw blood. Wasn't till MUCH later I realized they wanted to search my purse for possible illegal drugs.

So I end up in hospital emergency - a little tiny room alone. Nurses came and went. Blood pressure sky-high, heart "jumping out of my chest", adrenalin rush that won't stop, feeling disoriented, etc. All the while not knowing WHAT is going one with me. As bad as I was, they even made me get up to pee in cup.

I thought I was going to die.

After awhile, they released me. I'm still feeling bad. I ask Doc on way out: "What's wrong with me?" He only says "Maybe you have some problems, and cut out the caffine." (A whole lot of help THAT was!) I think they only waited for lab results to rule out DRUGS, and let me go.

Well heck! Now I'm miles away from my car (still at work in parking lot). Son at school and only 15 - barely has learners' permit (which didn't matter since he didn't have car anyway), closest relative a 2 hour drive away - which happened to be my elderly parents. So, I call my friend (now my "hubby") at his work for a ride.

I sit in waiting area - waiting for him to arrive. Still feeling horrible. I almost collapse a few times walking to hubby's car. Couldn't even get my car at work - still feeling so bad I had to lay down in HIS car till he got me home.

Once home, I lay on couch with phone next to me. Hubby had to go back to work. Son would be home in a couple hours, and "hubby" would come over after work.

It was dreadful awful.

We HAD to get my car that evening. Where I worked - there had been numerous cars stollen from parking lot - I couldn't afford to lose my car. After son and hubby were there, we went to pick up car. I STILL felt too horrible to drive. Son drove my car home (YIKES!), and I had to ride in car back with hubby.

This "THING" lasted ALL weekend long!

I managed to get appt with my regular G.P. for following Monday. Called into work to let them know I wouldn't be in - going to Doc. Got "the 3rd DEGREE!!!" - "Why didn't you go to Doc FRIDAY?!!!"...

Managed to get to Doc on Monday. He immediately told me sounds like a "Panic Attack". I started laughing. I had never heard of such a thing! He gave me a paper to read about panic attacks while he stepped out of the room. I was amazed. Everything on that paper made sense to my symptoms. He later told me that he had a patient who has been having them for over 5 years. I was shocked, and told him "that won't happen to me".

Well, guess what?

He immediately started me on drugs that aren't even heard of much these days...Pamelor, Klonopin or Chlorazepate or?

Well, the "Pamelor" was the anti-depressant. Big capsules. Naturally, I overslept for a few weeks. (no matter what time I took them in the evening, I STILL never heard my alarm in the morning.) People from work would call and WAKE me at 9 or 9:30am - I was supposed to BE AT WORK at 8am.

I finally got over that, but the panic attacks would still kick in whenever.

Doc finally put me on Xanax. That helped a lot with the panic attacks - didn't completely stop them, but the panic attacks were less severe. (Most times, anyway)

I eventually stopped taking the Pamelor on my own - was keeping me up at night with really bad indegestion/heartburn.

I've been to numerous "therapists", Docs, etc., over the years - to no avail. I've had numerous tests (including checking for "Mitral Valve Prolapse" - which can mimic symptoms). Brain scans, EKG's, Holtar Monitor...

I had a therapist who wanted to "try" hypnosis. Now, I don't have a problem with THAT, but she was obvously "new", and...well it just didn't work. LOL!

Everytime I've had to change Docs, they IMMEDIATELY feel the "need" to try me on some different meds. I've tried almost every anti-depressant out there. I'm extremely sensitive to even the lowest dosage of anti-depressants, and have horrible side-effects. (I've even tried taking 1/2 dose of MINIMUM dose)

Also, the more I see these therapists, the more screwed up I become! (I keep thinking about my past now - trying to figure out what went wrong. The more I think about it - the crazier I become. It's like I can't move forward - I'm dwelling on past, and I don't know how to stop.)

I'm only on Xanax now. Low doses: normally .5mg 3x per day. On REALLY bad days (RARE) I will take up to 5 ea .5mgs.

(I had a doc once who prescribed 8 mg/day! YIKES! I have NEVER even taken a total of 3 mgs /day! That's scarey!)

Now, I've recently realized I've had a change in personality. Some good - some bad. It took me years to realize this. I THOUGHT it was due to "worldly" things. I'm only beginning to realize it must be related to the drugs.

Also, I always LOVED driving - especially long distance. NOW, I won't even drive two blocks. (I WANT to)

I'm VERY outspoken in public - never used to be...

There are many things...

I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!

I want to be able to go to work.

I want to feel comfortable driving again.

I want to be able to make "committments" - and KEEP them.

I want to be able to enjoy the Holidays again.

I want to do those big family "get-togethers" with lots of food again.

I want to be able to clean my whole house in one day.

I want to be able to run those last minute errands - grocery store, bank, P.O. - ON MY OWN!

I want to be able to get into shower or bath without having to "monitor" how I feel or wait for someone to be home to "check on me".

There is SO much I want to do that others take for granted - that "I" used to take for granted!

NOW - for last few years - been "doing the p-menopause" thing. More problems with that, and anxiety/panic/heart palps worse!

Does this just never end???

I want off Xanax! I don't wan't any more prescription drugs! (I'm even more worried NOW about trying to go off Xanax. Not only the potential wdl, but the p-menopause on top of that.)

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

Anyone in the same situation?

I've read horror stories about weaning off these drugs.

(I DID try Valerian root extract for anxiety. Didn't work)

Please - if you've been in this similar situation - anxiety/panic attacks/RX drugs/on disability for a very long time - and now p-menopause - share your stories.

I KNOW I'm not the only one!