For Leogirl

19 years ago

Your message under the 'Message of Hope' thread did not go unnoticed. Three months is a short period for grieving. Getting through the holidays is hard. This time of year many hospices (and even a funeral home here) have memorial services and seminars on Getting Through the Holidays. "When Holidays Hurt" is the name of the funeral home's program here. Call a hospice in your town and see if they have anything to offer, it's usually free to everyone, not just families they've served. Also the local mental health office may have something.

You need not pretend that everything is 'normal' -- it isn't the same as previous years. Start some new traditions with your daughter and grandchild. Make a laundry list of things to do. Check off the ones you get done, cross through the ones you can't do. Know that you're not going to have the energy you usually have, and take care of yourself.

You're not alone and we care.

Nell

Comments (4)

jacksmum
19 years ago
Leogirl *HUGS*
I'm so sorry for your loss and I know anniversary dates and special occasions can be extremely rough - especially the 1st ones. I'll be keepig you in my thoughts & prayers.

It's been five years since Dad's death & although we all feel the loss for my Mum it is horrendous. Dad was her whole life and she feels as if she is now only half living.

I hoped councelling would help Mum but she wouldn't consider going until this year and stopped after 3 visits, guess everyone copes differently but personally I'd think talking to someone experienced at handling grief is a great idea. Last Christmas she bought herself a puppy (at 69 it's her first pet ever) & just having another living thing in the house has helped her a lot but she still needs anti depressants.

Like Nell said there is no "norm" when it comes to grief just take it one day at a time and do what feels right for you. Three months is such a short period.

Yesterday was the anniversary of Dad's death so instead of taking flowers to the cemetary I took a hanging basket of flowers to Mum with a poem and although there were still tears there's also more smiles and happy memories too so things will get easier for you too.

This is the poem I wrote for my Mum:

Five years have passed
since Dad was by our sides,
and IÂve lost count
of all the tears weÂve cried.
But life goes on
and nothing can be erased
and Dad would hate to see
a tear stain on your face.
So take time today
thinking of times shared
and how much you are loved
and always knew Dad cared.
DonÂt dwell on feeling cheated
that he had to go away
instead rejoice we knew him
and cherish every day.
So on the anniversary date
of when he had to depart
I wonÂt go to the cemetery
because he lives on in my heart.
He would say flowers are for the living
so this bouquetÂs for you
my father is in Heaven
taking in the view.
Â© Sue Pitchfork 2004~
lulie___wayne
19 years ago
Sue! That poem is absolutely beautiful! And what a great idea to give your mom flowers and a beautiful poem from you!
I also loved the Message of Hope that Leogirl posted. I sent it to many people whom I thought would appreciate it.
Lu
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Catlady - I'm so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are suffering. Everyone handles their grief differently so don't feel any need to apologize if you aren't handling this the way other folks think you should. I'm sorry you had a bad childhood and that you didn't have enough happy time with your Mom before she had to go. 73 is not old - I am 45 but my husband was 19 years older than me. As a result I have made friends of all ages and I've known some 80 year olds that were a heck of a lot more fun and had more going on than some of the 35 year olds! When people tell me he is in a better place now I just smile and say I know he is but I'm not. He kind of liked the place he was in before, you know? Anyway, people mean well and in the awkwardness of the situation they may say things that rub you the wrong way. Let yourself cry and realize your loss; I think that's the only way to move forward and be emotionally healthy. The memory book gives you something to do that feels productive and, if you are like me, it feels like you are doing something for her. It will be a treasure for you to keep. If you absolutely must take meds to deal with this then by all means do it. But remember when you do stop using the meds you still will have to face your loss and deal with your feelings. Do you have a good support system within your family or with friends? If you do please utilize them. I have a close friend who didn't have a good childhood and she grieves for that and she grieves for the fact that she feels she didn't give her kids a good childhood. We do the best we can do at the time. Sometimes it isn't good enough and sometimes other people think it isn't the best we have but they just don't really know. If you can get into counseling you might try that; I think it has helped me at times. I'll remember you in my prayers.
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Hi Leogirl. I have been lurking around this forum for the 14 months since my husband died. I am so sorry that everyone here has to have a death of a loved one being the common thread that we share. There are no words that I can offer to you that will help other than to share what I have gone through. That, it seems, is opposite of your reaction in that I immediately threw myself into doing what needed to be done (in my mind)and not letting myself fully feel the loss. I have gone overboard in showing my "strength" by redoing almost everything I can think of physically with my home and what was "ours" rather than take time to let reality sink in. After 14 months I still find myself thinking, "Okay, the joke's over....you can come back now". I can't even comfortably look at a picture of him....at least the healthy him. His cancer was only diagnosed 2 months before he died and the "sick" him that died was almost easy to let go of since he was suffering at the end. It's the "healthy" husband that seems to have just gone on a trip or a visit and is out there somewhere......... I guess what I wanted to say to you is that no matter how we choose, not that we have a choice of how our emotions play out, to carry on, that brick wall of reality will have to be faced at some point. You are wise in seeking help from a therapist while some of us, certainly me, continue to hide behind a mask of strength. I am waiting for and somewhat fearing the day that I let my reality in...... I see on your page that you are also from Tennessee.....anywhere near East Tennessee? May you find each day a little easier to cope and love that blessed grandchild! Mine are surely the best reasons I can think of to see the brightness of the future.
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lulie___wayne
19 years ago
I'm sorry. I meant that Sue sent the Message of Hope.
Leogirl, you need to do just what you feel like doing and nothing more or less. You have to continue being this way from now on. We all grieve differently and what someone else may suggest to you may not be something that you can handle. One day you may feel like doing a particular thing and the next, you don't. After six years of losing my daughter and 6 months now, from losing my mom, I still don't like to make plans way ahead of time. I just don't know how I am going to feel when the time comes. I play a lot "by ear". Don't expect too much of yourself. If you don't want to decorate at all, that's fine too! Others just have to understand!
Lu
Leogirl
19 years ago
Nell, Sue, and Lu - Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I've always been the calm, cool, and in control person and I don't even know me anymore. I guess this is how the new me is formed? Sue, just this morning I saw the Memorial you posted and it was beautiful.I guess the Message of Hope and my posting had me too teary to notice it yesterday. I know it must have been a tough day for you. I'm sure your Mom really appreciated the beautiful poem and flowers and, mostly, you being there for her. My Dad died from complications of Alzheimer's Disease in September of 96. My husband died September 4th and his birthday was September 16th. Needless to say, when October rolled around I was so glad to get out of September! And, Lu, I think playing it by ear seems like a good idea. I did that at first - simply refused to make a plan if it wasn't for the next hour - but I guess I thought I should try to do as before and just see what happened. They say the only way to know your limits is to push them. My problem with Christmas is that one day I don't want to decorate at all and the next I want to go all out with decorations everywhere. Christmas was always such a big deal in our home. And I want my children to have at least some Christmas around them when they come to see me - even though they are grown! My son is 27 and daughter is 25 and I still worry about them and how they are dealing with losing the only dad they've really ever known. He was their step dad but after they finished their teenage rebellions they became really close to him. Nell, I will check into some of the programs here and see how that goes. Thanks for the suggestion. I know all of you have suffered losses and I'm sorry for the pain you've been through and are still going through. They say what doesn't kill us will make us stronger. Guess we'll all be pretty strong by the time it is done. I know the difference in the type of pain between losing a close parent and losing my husband; I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that would come from losing a child. I'm sending a prayer up for the three of you right now that today brings you sunshine and smiles and lightens your hearts. Thanks again.

For Leogirl

Comments (4)

jacksmum

lulie___wayne

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