I have known and loved Matt for nearly five years. He was from England, and was able to come to the States to be with me in 2006, against all odds.
When we met in 2005, we recognised a very deep, very powerful soul connection that Matt defined as a twinflame soulmate union. We were like mirrors of one another--our souls seemed to be made out of the same spark of life. We had so many similarities..eerie similarities.....down to little details like the fact that at age five, we both discovered and fell in love with the song "Bright Eyes" from the animated film Watership Down.....We had the same artwork on our walls...We read all the same books......We were like twins, true soul twins..... I loved him with the fullness of my heart and the depths of my soul.
Not that we did not have our problems, because we did. We were both very intense people, and also had a lot of past wounds that were not fully healed when we came together. We had some rocky moments together, but no matter what, after all was said and done, we never could bear to be apart from one another.
This is why the events surrounding his death were so tragic, and I am now consumed with so much guilt and regret--it is destroying me and I don't know what to do.
Four months before Matt died, we had decided to take some time apart, to allow healing for our relationship, and to reflect. As usual, in a few weeks, I wanted to talk to Matt and see how he was doing. I tried to go over to his house to speak with him, but he didn't answer the door or return my phone calls. I was deeply hurt and confused--it was very unlike him not to speak with me.
I decided I would respect his decisions, but I still wrote to tell him I loved him and I was sorry for my part in the conflicts in our connection. He did eventually write back, to my relief. But then we once again lapsed into no contact. A month-and-a-half went by. I wrote again after I saw him walking down the street one day. He did write back to me, a more emotionally open e-mail, but I thnk I read the tone of it wrong, and felt scared, and so wrote back a more reserved email. He never responded to that email.
I waited. I was in a lot of pain being separated from him, but I wanted to respect his path. I knew that I might have to live my life apart from him if that was what was happening. But I still yearned and ached to talk with him, to hold his hands, to tell him what was in my heart. I forced myself to drive by his place, just a block away from mine, and not stop.....I was trying to train myself to "move on" if that was what I had to do. A week before he died, I saw him walking down the street, and my heart beat wildly and in agony...I wanted to stop and run to him, but I didn't...Why didn't I? I was consumed with love and fear...I was afraid I would find out he had met another woman, and I let that influence my every action.....
There is so much more to this story--joy and heartache, but in the first week of November, I was telling myself that if I heard from Matt on my birthday, November 12, then that would be my sign...Then I would know I could go over and talk to him. He had never missed my birthday in all our years together.....
On November 12, I waited anxiously--the hours went by. I kept checking the porch to see if there were any flowers there--he always sent flowers. As evening rolled around, and no word from Matt, my heart felt heavier and heavier. I reluctunatly went out to dinner with two of my friends.
And then...I got a phone call from one of Matt's friends. He said he was very worried because Matt had failed to show up for a meeting they had arranged for November 7th. I felt a rush of fear, and left the restaurant immediately and drove straight to Matt's place after calling to police. That night, the officers told me that Matt was likely in a rebound relationship, and had just gone on some trip with his new love interest. But his car was still there--his cat was inside, meowing urgently through the window. I wanted the police to make a forced entry, but they told me they had no evidence that anything was wrong. But my gut told me otherwise. I tried to convince myself it was all ok--
The next day.........I woke up and walked urgently to Matt's house to see if he was perhance home....I saw the door to his place wide open....I saw the police.....I saw the way they looked at me.....and then I knew........He was dead.....dead..........a heart aneurysm........dead.....
Since that moment, I have been drowing in raging fires and choking waters of the most immense grief and guilt and regret and longing I have ever known.....How could I have stayed away so long, allowing my fears to control me? Matt had to die alone, had to sit slumped over in his bed for a week before his body was discovered--as if no one cared about his existence.....How could I have driven past his place day after day, worried so much about him, but never once stopping to knock on that door again? How could I have failed him, left him alone, left him to die without my arms around him?
How can he not be here? Where did he go? I wanted desperately to see him, to hold him, but I was not allowed to see his body.......I was able to receive a lock of his hair and a ring he was wearing.......All that is left are imprints of the soul that was.......
Sometimes I feel like my grief is so vast, so powerful, that it will stop my heart. I wake up gasping, choking, panicked and sick to my stomach. I beg Matt to show me a sign, to tell me that he is ok, that he is still alive somewhere, but everything is so silent. So silent.....I can't feel him anywhere.......
He was my soulmate, my twin flame, my life....He wrote hundreds of poems for me, he spoke of love and beauty, he touched thousands of people's hearts with a spiritual website he began......he lived in the way that was true to his soul and heart.......And he never gave up on love, despite all the pain..........
When I read Matt's words, it was like reading my own words...When I saw Matt, it was like looking into the depths of my own soul.......I have all his gifts, his books, his trinkets, his clothing.....I have the bedsheets he died on......I have everything here, except for Matt....dear Matt.......precious Matt.........
People tell me in time I will heal---How can my heart heal when half of it is gone? When I think of the years that stretch before me, I feel terror and desperation.....All these years that will go by, one by one, without Matt....I must always live in awareness that he is gone...I will never see him in this life again......
People try to soothe me, explaining that I will meet him in the afterlife...He will be there with me, waiting with open arms. Will he be there? I remember the way he looked at me, and opened his arms to me, when I first saw him after he had gotten of the plane in 2005.......I rested in his arms.....But these arms are now distengrated into ashes...his lips, eyes, hands.....ashes......
I am sorry this is so long....I am in so much pain.......
brit5467
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