Hello Andy,I am the 52yr old mother of a 30year old son who is losing his battle with cancer. The only thing I can suggest to you is to focus on your parents grief. Let them know that you are so sorry that they are suffering like this and that you know how much your brother means to them. Just hug them and hold them if that is something you are comfortable with. I know that there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to make it any better but I know I grab onto any positive comments people make about my Glenn. I have a need to talk about him and I imagine it would be awful if people felt they could not talk about him when he is gone. You may be able to say, I wish we had been closer but we are two very different people who love you both very much and I am so sorry that his life is ending so soon. It is better to say nothing than to say anything negative about your brother. (I have 5 brothers and sisters and get on very well with 2, distant with 2 and little to do with the fifth, so I can understand having nothing in common with siblings although wishing them no ill.) You cannot be responsible for what others say - if they are your parent's friends they probably know a lot of family history and hopefully they will know how to act. Is there any possibility of returning to the US for a visit while your brother is still here or would that be too difficult? Have you thought of writing a letter to your brother - not out of guilt because you have no need for that - but just to express your thoughts. I know my son doesn't want people fussing over him but he has really appreciated notes from some people and I in turn appreciate that these people have made the effort. Maybe a letter to your parents as well, again not apologising for your relationship with your brother but expressing your sympathy and love for them. Best wishes to you, Elspeth

Great thread! I am thankful that I still have both of my parents, and the are for the most part, in decent health. Yes, DF has suffered some cardiac problems as he has aged which have slowed a man who lived to coach softball. First with co-workers and until the most recent problem, a senior softball league. He now goes occasionally to watch, but despite the cardiologist leaving it up to him as to whether to participate, he has chosen not to play. He has his routine that starts at 4 a.m. Works out at home each morning after he has breakfast and reads his newspaper. Very good from a mental standpoint, loves to talk current events, history, politics, etc. He also opens and closes the pool each summer and tends a rather significant amount of tomato plants. DF still does his own lawn and home maintenance as he always has. My DM is in seemingly very good health for her age. With the exception of problematic arthritis and sciatica which have caused her to lessen her spring/fall "housecleaning" regimen. I always thought that whole exercise to be nuts, personally, but that's how things were done in her family for generations. A total tear apart every room twice a year for a "deep" cleaning. While she still attempts to do it, I usually will set aside a couple of days each spring and fall to give her a hand with things that she cannot physically do. lol DM still gets together with her high school girlfriends once a month either for lunch or dinner. When I compare her to her friends, only one other of her friends is in as good of shape as DM. The others aren't concerned with keeping themselves up to date with regard to their attire or hair. My DM would die before she would put on a pair of elastic wasted polyester pants. No offense to anyone here who may enjoy those. DM just doesn't. She hasn't ever been one to drive on major highways, so the fact that she continues not to do so, is nothing new. I make a point of getting her out for clothes and holiday shopping when I am able to tolerate a trip to the mall. DM and I go to the same hair salon. I am sure her highlights and reverse color hide the small amount of grey that she has. Together with keeping up with current short hair styles she looks much younger than her actual age. DM dresses everyday, Pal your mentioning your mom and her shoes - just in case, definitely made me smile. My parents keep a theatre package, attending 6 or so shows per season. Go out for dinner at least once a week. Also, they cook and eat well. They love to take advantage of the senior bus trips available to them in our area. One thing that I've noticed is that my DF seems more hesitant about long distance driving, thus enjoying the bus trips. It is hard for me to pinpoint an age at which I see them. Perhaps it is because I see them so often, at least twice a week. I pop in to take a new dish I've tried or drop off some fresh produce from the farmstand. Really, I don't need much of a reason to visit, I just enjoy doing so, and it allows me to keep an eye on them. Have to say that I have enjoyed reading everyone's stories about their parents. Also, this particular thread has accentuated my good fortune in still having my parents as they are in their early 80's. So, if I had to put an age that I visualize them, I guess I would have to put it at between 55-60. Funny because I am now 50!

Thanks to all for a clearer view. Kathlene, No, I am not the same person as mom of 4. I am fairly new here. I found this forum at my witts end with my SS and my previous posts pertain mostly to him. Background with this child, and my ex.. we married young for all the wrong reasons. As teenagers we were responsible a lot for his 2 year old sister. As a result we honed in our views on parenting before our child ever came along. 15 years later I think of him as a brother, we talk on the phone frequently. He has always been involved in our daughters school, sports, daily life. Although from time to time we disagree with each others life choices we almost always agree on her, what we want for her, and how to guide her. It is in no way a situation where he is unfit, uses poor juggement, or can't afford to keep her...he's a good Dad. Because he's always been a good Dad I don't feel a transfer or more equal share in residence would translate to "throwing her away". When parents are equal in love and capability for a child who says "the moms is a better home?" I can see when she was younger she needed me more. Now, I'm not so sure. kkny, I am a bit unsure what you mean by "people attribute difference to better parenting not externalities" could you please explain?

In a way, yes, in other ways, about the same. Financially, about the same. I have a happy marriage with a great DH and we've had quite a few fun adventures together. My parents had a very happy marriage, albeit with less adventure, just way too short. They never had a mortgage on their home and always bough cars with cash. Dad was what I would call a "gentleman farmer" in the sense that he ran the farm and other ancillary operations from an office and Mom, with a fine college education, was a stay at home Mom until Dad died far too young, at 52, leaving Mom a widow at 44. While Mom would have preferred graduate school, instead she stepped in and ran the farm and excelled. She was the first woman on a number of agriculturally related boards and not just local small time ones either. While she enjoyed the challenge, especially in a male dominated world, and loved our small farming town, I also think she was trapped by the circumstances. Her plan was for my brother to take over the farm completely after 8-10 years at which time she planned on going back to graduate school, but my brother never got around to taking over the operations (I don't know any other way to put it, he's smart and knows the land well and will work hard on something that interests him, but he never developed the stick-to-it day to day work ethic). While this was going on, I went to law school and then got my LLM. Mom ran the farm until her seventies, but by that time we rented out all our land. Unfortunately about 8 years ago the farm started going down hill financially, most income was going to debt service, and at the same time Mom was developing AMD. Our banker and accountant realized that that something needed to be done to save the farm and came to me and suggested that we move to professional management. Mom saw that this was the right move, but my brother was resistant although eventually went along with it without a family fallout. That was a tense time, but he liked the bank management/manager and was not cut out of some control especially with marketing the crops, which is his forte,and now agrees that it was a good decision, actually I think it was a relief. We also sold off about 30% of the land, which was enough to retire all debt and pay the capital gains (basis was from the 1930s, so ridiculously low), with a bit to spare. The farm, though smaller, is doing very well, throwing off nice income to the three of us, while retaining a contingency fund, so all is well, and it's still a nice legacy even after selling a bit of the land, it is now a bit over 5000 acres total, cropland and timber. DH and I are both professionals and have had fairly successful careers. I am a lawyer, a partner in a great law firm, and DH is a dentist, who sold his practice when we recently moved. We are both scaling back. I am staying with my firm, working remotely, with regular trips back to the office for a couple of weeks every few months as the need arises. DH lucked into a two day a week job as an independent contractor with a good dental practice in our new location. We will probably continue to work along these lines for another 2-4 years. We have a wonderful, responsible daughter and son-in-law and a precious grandson. I think we will be better off than Mom in our later years, not so much financially because she is in great shape (she also had some money of her own and was a good investor), but because we planned ahead. She had planned to stay in her large house in the small town for the rest of her life. However that became impossible for her to manage. She moved to independent living in the city where I worked last year and now she moved to Colorado with us, living at a wonderful independent living center less than 5 minutes from us and I can go see her everyday. She seems content and loves having me so nearby, but it is hard to move to a new state and town at 86. We built our retirement house, actually a duplex, at 62 with (for) our DD and SIL, near all essential services and making it easy to maintain. As we age it will be easy for our DD to check on us as necessary, just pop over for five minutes and then go back to her regularly scheduled life. But, for now, DD also has a built in babysitter much of the time. If at anytime as we age we need more help than I am willing to ask from our DD, we can easily hire a caregiver for far less than Mom's place costs on a monthly basis and still stay at home (at least if our health is as good as Mom's is right now).