My husband died November 12th

12 years ago

My husband died unexpectedly 46 days ago. I am overcome with such sadness and pain that I feel stuck. I don't want to leave the house and the holidays have been difficult. I have many friends who mean well, but all I want to do is be alone. This grieving process is devastating to me. I lost my devoted husband and my very best friend. I am lost without him. Anyone have similar experiences? I'd really like to know what helped you get through all of this.

Comments (10)

Burtsmomforever
12 years ago
Marilyn,
I didn't lose my husband but I lost my son just a bit over 5 months ago. My world has been turned upside down and I still am unable to do certain things. 46 days is not a long time, so don't beat yourself up for not being able to do anything. Just yesterday and the day before I did not want to talk to anybody and spent more time in bed than I did out of bed. Even when I wasn't in bed I didn't care to speak to anyone...including my husband. Christmas Day was hard, but the two days after were horrible. Today I am trying to pull myself together so I can work. I don't know that I can but will try and if I don't make it I will try again tomorrow.
I realized after Thanksgiving that the actual holiday is hard, but the days after I get backlash. And that's harder.
Just give yourself some time to grieve, you didn't say how long you'd been married but I don't think that really matters. What matters is that you lost the one you loved and he is no longer there to share things with.
I have found that writing to my son and telling him things helps me some. I still cry everyday and will probably cry everyday until I am no longer on this Earth.
The doctor has prescribed several different anti-anxiety meds that have all made me sick and he has now prescribed Prozac and I don't want to take it. I am waiting for the other meds to get out of my system before I give it a try. If it doesn't work I will go at this without anything if I have to. Talk to your doctor about something for the anxiety you are experiencing. I tried exercise when my son first died and it helped some but no longer helps at all.
People grieve in different ways. So do what you have to do in order to find peace within yourself, but cut yourself some slack. Find a grief counseling group when you are ready.
Good luck, I am thinking about you...
marilyn0777
Original Author
12 years ago
Thank you for your post. We were together for 29 years. I lost my dad in 2003 and my little brother in 2004, but nothing compares to this. You are right. The days after the holidays are worst. I am not looking forward to the new year. My first year without Malcolm.

It's fear that has me stuck. Fear of a lifetime without him. I am only 56 years old...
Related Discussions
Im so lost without my husband.
Q
Comments (8)
U cant worry about what others think ... there is no rule set in stone saying something like: 1 month for each year (sounds ridiculous doesn't it ... I think so) I say u will know when u are ready until then just go out with friends and have fun with life. Your husband would not want u suffering any more than u already have. If a date comes out of it that would be great. Just my two cents. Another piece of advice that u may know already but I will say it anyway :) Some peoples advice may just be given to you at the wrong time in your life. So I like to say take it or leave it but it is given with the best of intentions.
...See More
my husband
Q
Comments (5)
Hi baggytrews, I cannot even begin to imagine the depth of your grief. I understand your feelings though. I lost my Momma last August and the world has not been the same for me since. I feel lost and sad alot of the time now. It is getting better for me but I will tell you it is only a little at a time. The first month was horrible, I could not stop crying if I had wanted to but now.....I have my moments, about two weeks out of the month, that I am horribly depressed and sad and I cry my heart out. There really is nothing I can write/say that will make you feel any better but I do know from reading the posts here that there are other women that have walked in your shoes and have felt or are feeling your pain. Remember, love is more than a feeling and forever is more than a word. The love you share with your husband will never die. Everyday you are here you are one more day closer to "being" with him again. Bless you, may you find some measure of peace to begin enjoying the time you have left. I believe I must get up and face the day to make my Momma proud. I try to keep the following in my mind - And for my sake and in my name, live on and do all the things same Feed not on your lonliness on empty days but fill each waking hour in useful ways. This is what I believe my Momma would ask of me and I try....boy, do I try. Blessings to you and we are here if you need to "talk". Lisa
...See More
Lost my common-law husband
Q
Comments (8)
Carriboo, I too lost my husband through a traumatic and unexpected death. I am 39, and like you I know I have a lot of my life to live, but I am completely devastated by my husband's death. I too feel lost, empty and lonely. He is dead fifteen months now , and I can really identify with where you are presently at. I too felt noone could help me. All my friends and family seemed completely inadequate when it came to dealing with my emotions. If I was overwhelmed, they would want to quiten me with cups of tea or medication. I needed to express all the turmoil, but noone was capable of hearing me. I would cry alone night after night, and listen to Katie Melua. She became my best friend. How sad is that? I wailed as she sang "I cried for you", and all my tears just echoed back at me. After three months, I realised that my deep agony had to be heard and witnessed. My friends and family were not up to coping with my extreme pain, so I found myself a therapist. I had to try a few different forms of therapy before I eventually found the right person. He continues to hear and witness my extreme emotions. It is vital that you too find someone with whom you can openly express yourself. Carriboo, you cling to his friend for as long as you need to. He will let you know if he has had enough of you. I cling to my husband's brother. He clings to me. His friend is hurting too. Cling to him. Don't do all this alone. You have to let it out, or you will become obliterated by all of this. Just last night, my husband's football club called me to ask if I wanted to present a trophy in his memory. It felt like I was just told that he had died. My body went into extreme shock and I was screaming. I called my mum and wailed down the phone. I called a friend and she came to stay with me. I am now at the stage that if I have to let out my extreme agony, I refuse to do it alone. People, despite their discomfort, are just going to have to deal with me. I hope you get to this point too. My therapist told me that if I always curl up, and cry alone, then I am keeping my agony inward. Carriboo, we have to be seen and heard when we are at our worst. Friends and family just have to look at us in the depth of our agony. They cannot take the pain away, but at least they can sense our hell, and that is better than crying alone and receiving absolutely no response. Love from one broken soul to another.
...See More
My husband's cactus is dying
Q
Comments (77)
Personally I think your cactus has made some very good progress though out the summer. Although I would have removed the clear plastic pot covering and would have PIG'd buried in apx 1/3 of a good part of what leaning thinner lanky pads it has. Which with the lack of zone mentioned it might not be to late for you to bury in those parts that are less eye appealing I would hold off on re-potting any secondary plant parts of it or as a whole for a later date but would favor removing the better looking rounder pads for fresh new plant rooting potential in respectable sized pots of your choice. A smaller scale example with explication of plans Although very dry and burnt knowing it is in real rough shape my plan is to bury the wrinkled bottom segment deep in a pot ( plastic, TC or what ever type I happen to have on hand that's deep enough). Some time between October early Nov. I'll be also burring in the deeper pot any of the existing root. soak it to it's drowning death then find a warmer than frost basement dim lighting corner until apx mother day of 2016 at which time it'll be forced outside for for an hour of sun and be moved for more hours of full sun after a couple weeks as the sun increases to total of five hours by early June After June it's on it's on there after for at times what is a good 12 hours of fullest hard direct sun When repotting I suggest you use a very good draining soil, gravel sifted for size and other good draining materials such as pumice or perlite with some light organics that can be found in a standard potting soil for feeding. The mentioned potting soil may require sifting and would preference you to use a harder wall pot over the thinner flimsy plastic pots.
...See More
JoAnn_Fla
12 years ago
Hi Marilyn,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my DH Sept 4th, just 4 months ago. It's still very hard and I still can't believe it. I go to a griefshare group, which helps some, I read books about widowhood. You can email me if you want to talk. ktflgal@aol.com
Everyone says it will get easier, time will tell.

here is another place to get aquainted with other widows.

Here is a link that might be useful: widowed village
Burtsmomforever
12 years ago
Marilyn,
I understand. Just when I feel like I have started to move forward, I feel like I take 3 steps backwards.
I've had people say things that were hurtful out of their own grief. One person who lost their mother said that a person who loses a child can have another child, and a person who loses a spouse can get another spouse, but they could never get another mother. Grief can make a person say and do really odd things. I had one person say that I felt relief because I no longer had to care for my son who had special needs. That could not have been more untrue, I would give anything to take him to work, I would gladly sit for a day at the doctor's office instead of going to the cemetery.
Do what you feel is best for you. Give yourself time. A friend of mine who lost her husband and son in a horrible crash and had another son whose back was broken in the crash, tells me that I am on a grief journey and that it is very long. I am a little bit further into my grief journey than you are and we will surely take different paths, but we have both lost someone we loved dearly. I am 53 and cannot have anymore children, not that another child could ever take the place of my son.
I hope for you that the fear will pass, and that you will begin to feel better, but please do not be so hard on yourself. You have endured something no one should have to and you need time to heal. Accept your friends' offers of food or even a shoulder to cry on. I had a few who were there for me even when my siblings were not.
I say all this as I sit here trying to work up the courage to do some work today...
alanna1
12 years ago
Good evening Marilyn- I became a widow on August 23th when my husband of 41 yrs. died of cancer. I'm having a tough time,too! I don't want to go anywhere, eating alot of junk food, jammies somedays are my favorite clothes. Things I used to love to do, I hate. I'm so lonely ,especially at nite. My kids are trying to go on with their own lifes and I feel some days like a bother to them. I'm 63 yrs. old and I feel some days like 100. i've gone to grieve classes, but I think hopefully time will help some. Take care-I care! Alanna
InTheGreen
12 years ago
Marilyn,

I lost my mom... She was my best friend and biggest fan. So many things you never realized about the one you lost until they are gone.

I have so many mixed emotions over losing her. I never felt the pain and grief when my father died as I am feeling with the loss of my mom.

I am sorry for your loss and I hope someday you will find some kind of happiness to help relive the pain of your loss.

InTheGreen
lovingmemory
11 years ago
I have learned so much about the grieving process and there is no easy around it. It simply takes time and the amount of time is different for everyone. You're going to feel anger, heartache, depression and a myriad of other emotions that have no rhyme or reason. Give yourself some time. Not days, not weeks, there is no time limit and you are never the same as you were before. You will be happy again and you will find comfort in the memories. I am so very sorry for your loss!
millburn_nj_po_mom
11 years ago
Marily:

I understand what you are going through. I lost my husband suddenly on November 6, 2008 (just a little over a month before our 32nd wedding anniversary. The 1st year was the hardest (I don't even remember much about that year). All the 1st events (birthday, holiday, etc.). I was on cymbalata for 1 1/2 years and I did talk to a counselor. Both these things helped me. I am not on any meds now nor do I talk with a counselor. It has gotten a little easier and I am now at the point where I feel like I am willing to try and date again.

I have one son who is married with 3 children. The grandchildren helped me keep me somewhat sane in the 1st year.

What helps with me also is that he is not in the awful pain that he was in anymore. He had Ankylosing spondylitis. He went in the hospital on a Tuesday thinking he had a urinary tract infection and was gone by Thursday (his liver and kidneys shut down).

Sheryl
lovingmemory
11 years ago
I think all of you women are so strong. My husband's 43rd birthday is tomorrow and I honestly cannot imagine life without him. The strength and wisdom you share with us is received with open arms and I hope that you all continue to find what makes you feel complete.
miteymo
11 years ago
My prayers are with all who suffered a loss, especially of a husband. I've been married 39 years and he is the love of my life.

Marilyn - I did a double take on your profile - my BD is December 30 too. Thinking of you, praying for you. luv.meo

My husband died November 12th

Comments (10)

Burtsmomforever

marilyn0777
Original Author

Related Discussions

JoAnn_Fla

Burtsmomforever

alanna1

InTheGreen

lovingmemory

millburn_nj_po_mom

lovingmemory

miteymo

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

My husband died November 12th

Comments (10)

marilyn0777Original Author

Related Discussions

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

marilyn0777
Original Author