Rebekkah, I'm so sorry. I hope you will read some of the posts on this forum, including old ones. You will see that you are most definitely not alone. Your mother was young, but not everyone lives to an old age. Many of us lost parents when we were quite young. I was nine when my mother died. I remember thinking similar thoughts to yours: I wanted to take back some of the things I said to her. I can tell you this, though. Not being about to take back things said in anger made me very cautious about what I said to people after that. After the age of nine, I never said anything in anger that I regretted afterward.

I'm particularly sorry that you had to witness the medical efforts to save her. If these images persist in your mind, please see a therapist, someone experienced in helping those who grieve and particularly those who have experienced trauma at the same time.

Re fairness, try to remember that life is neither fair nor unfair. It just is. When you think about what goes on in the world, it's easier to accept that statement.

This was nothing you could have prevented. It's absolutely not your fault.

Please try to live as your mother would want. She will guide you for the rest of your life. What would Mom want me to do? is a question you should ask yourself often. At some point you should read Motherless Daughters and Letters From Motherless Daughters. Good books.

Finally, keep your heart and mind open to possible signs from your mother. They may or may not come, but if they do you'll want to recognize them. And some night she may come to you in a dream.

Keep us posted, Rebekkah.

Susan

oh I feel your pain, and I understand so well. It is hard for others to feel your pain because unless they go thru it, its so painful.
i felt the same way about food, and what you are going thru, you might be going thru the numb stages, it felt so unreal. like i was going thru a nightmare and i just wanted to wake up now.
i too watched my dad pass, its a hard memory to swallow, it was wrentchful, but in a way i am grateful i was there, because I think my brain would just not accecpt it if I wasnt there to see it, because sometimes still I feel like it is impossible that my dad has passed.
i am so sorry you lost your mom. and at such a young age as well. and your mom is young too, . sometimes i feel cheated that my dad died when i was 34, because I want him here till , well forever. but i got to have those good 34 years with him. i have to remind myself of that.
((((((( pray for your family)))))) it happened so fast. (())

Rebekkah, let me start by saying how very sorry I am. You are so young child, I really feel terrible about your mom. It isn't fair. Nobody can say it is. I lost my mom in January and I am 47. It hurts no matter what, no matter when.

Remember you have your mom in your heart. Faith is a strange animal. I suppose if it was easy it wouldn't be what God intended. I don't understand life anymore. I don't have the same ambition or interests. My dad keeps talking about dying. He is so lonely and although my folks bickered a lot, they were there for each other..and now there is just an emptiness.

Please email me directly if you want to talk. Sometimes talking to someone outside of your inner-circle helps.

I am there if you need to talk to someone.

Duane

Dukerdawg@aol.com

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You are so young, so was your Mom. It is so unfair. I think I know how you feel. I lost my Dad 2 years ago and then my Mom 7 months later. Last year was my first Thanksgiving without her. She was my very best friend in the whole world. Her and Dad were married for 57 years. We knew we were losing Dad a few days before he passed, but Mom's was unexpectedly. I miss her so very much and there is a whole in my life that will NEVER be filled. I feel so cheated and I'm not as young as you! Be glad that you have your Dad and enjoy your time with him. I know he is hurting so much too. You mentioned that you are so thankful for your siblings. I'm so happy for you that you have them. My parent's deaths have torn my family apart. There are walls between us and one sibling is so hurt he refuses to speak to any of us. I hope this can bring you all even closer. That's what family is supposed to be all about. YOU CAN DO THIS. You were loved by a great Mom and I'm sure she would only want the greatest happiness for you.
I'm sending hugs and prayers your way.

Joanie

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in a very similar way. She too was a lifelong smoker. Don't think that the medics tried to lie or deceive you, as sometimes the line between life and death can be thin. My mom took extremely ill, and I too called the medics, fearing she was already gone. They came, revived her, and she was on life support in the hospital for two days. She recovered, but the doctor said that she had advanced emphasema and that, if lucky, she would have 6-7 months left. The first thing she did when she got home from the hospital was buy a pack of smokes down at the corner store. She lived another seven months, and she was able to get her affairs in order, somewhat. It was still a shock to us. She had taken ill quite a few times in her last 2-3 years but she always bounced back. Even after the dr. told us she only had a few months, I always figured she would bounce back as always. Seeing someone die from pulmanary disease is tough. It is as if you are watching them slowly drown, like a fish out of water, for the final months and in some cases years of life. My condolences to you and your family.
--John