I say this to myself A LOT.. Worry never robs tomorrow of it's sorrow but steals today of it's joy. Don't worry yourself with what happens when she is 13 14 15 worry about here and now and what you can control. 1. You can control how you react to SD when she behaves in a way that you feel is inappropriate 2. You can control how you deal and react to BM 3. You cannot control what happens at BMs home (bugs, misbehavior, no bedroom for SD, druggies coming and going) 4. You cannot control the judge -- you can only provide the facts and evidence you have and trust in your attorney 5. You CAN control how SD behaves while with you even when BM is around (ok I know you can't 'control' her but you can punish her for misbehavior at your home and you MUST follow through with your threats of punishment or SD will not believe your warnings of consequences. 6. You can not worry about SD wanting to live with BM now or ever. Key word 'wanting'. To most children, the grass is always greener on the other side, until they find out it isn't. When I was 10/11, I wanted to live With my biodad. I made my mom and stepdad miserable!!! I remember being a pain so that they would WANT me to go also.. I finally was allowed to go when I was 12 and my mom made me stay for 2 school years. I hated it!! Grass was no longer green. It wasn't because my dad and his third wife were mean or anything, it was because they were negligent and I ended up having to grow up way before my time. I had to fix my own dinner if I wanted to eat. I had to find my own ride to school (7th grade) can you imagine not knowing how you would get to school each day? I had to save all my money from birthdays and gifts to buy my own clothes. I ended up having to call My mom for everything and of course, she would be there for me but in a way, she made me suffer through it because it was MY choice to move. I turned out OK. I turned out better than ok actually. I moved back home as soon as my mom would allow it and I walked the finest line ever!! I was respectful and committed to being a part of my family (mom and stepdad) because I realized what I didn't want to be a part of. My mom later told Me that it was necessary to make me stick to my decision to move in with dad to get me to see that there are consequences to our choices. Sometimes we make bad choices but we have to stick with them until the road changes. You can't make decisions that effect everyone around you and then expect to be bailed out with a phone call. I really do appreciate that from my mom and mostly live my life saying 'well I tried, I failed, I'll make the best of it and I'll get myself out of it because I got myself in to it' That's not always the case but I wanted to share because I think it's important you know-- it will not be the end of the world when she wants to move to mom's but it's so far away, don't worry with it today. Mom still has time to change and she might. Everyone can change. My sister has been an awful mom for the last 13 yrs and honestly I think she just needed time to grow into being a mom because in the last year I have seen her finally put her son first and is finally stepping up. The unfortunate thing for her is he has never had a stepmom or stepdad like you (no dad either) to stand up for him and try to be a good role model but what does matter is that she is NOW seeing what is important and she CAN salvage their relationship and she can earn mother of the year award because she has accepted the mistakes she has made and she is making the necessary changes, no matter how long it took. Just take it one day at a time. You are doing the right thing -- just keep doing it. Also, I know you are worried about overnights. I feel your pain. My daughter started overnights with her father a few months ago. And there is a lot is crap In that situation... I lost a lot of sleep the first few weekends but I have since gotten used to it and DD is doing ok. I live for his cancellations though. It seems the novelty has worn off as it might with SDs mom... And she may not have her as much as she could. Let us know how court goes.

Sunny, One of the things that my husband agreed to early on in our marriage, is that if one of our kids wants/needs the step parent to do things for them (because the parent can't), then the child has to ask the step parent, not the parent. When my son wanted a co-signer on a car, I couldn't help him because I had just started my own business. I talked to my husband and he agreed to help but I felt that my son should ask him, not me. My son did ask him and got the car with my husband's help. My husband does the same with his daughter. If she wants something from me, she has to ask me. She still asks him all the time and he tells her, 'you have to ask SM'. My sons got angry a while back because they don't like when my husband has an opinion about anything. They think he should stay out of 'our life' but then I remind him that he's my husband and he is a part of 'our life' and I remind him of the things my husband contributes and that they don't mind when he does something where they benefit. They don't like it but they know it's true. What your husband should have told his daughter is that she would need to ask you to cook the food because he doesn't know how or can't do it all by himself. It really is up to the parent to expect their children (even adult ones) to respect their spouse enough to ask for themselves instead of going through the parent. It's much easier for kids to let themselves believe that their parent is doing everything for them and they don't need the step parent if all they have to do is ask the parent who then asks the step parent. Then they don't really appreciate the step parent because they can tell themself that their parent is the one doing everything for them. It's funny that my son will ask me for something and when I say, you need to ask stepdad yourself... he'll decide 'I don't really need it.' He has been giving my husband a hard time and would rather go without than ask my husband, well, that's HIS problem, not mine.

Nivea, Like you, I am pretty afraid of confrontation with Dad/SM because it hasn't tended to go too well for me (and you have even more reason to avoid it, because they actually hurt you physically)... So what I'm about to say you probably won't do (just as I wouldn't), but wouldn't it be great if we could? That would be to call her bluff with this "Mom" thing and start TREATING HER AS ONE WOULD A MOM. That means everything from calling her up numerous times and insisting she go to a doctor because you're so worried about such-and-such health issue of hers; calling her up and telling her all your man/work/money/kid problems; asking her to help you decorate your place (and helping her decorate HER place!!!); frequently giving her a bunch of cute pix of you from when you were a little girl (and when she was such a b----h to you) and reminiscing with her about when you lost your first tooth and had your period; etc. etc. etc. (because, after all, a MOM loves nothing more than reminders of her dearest child); being honest with her if her hairstyle is wrong for her; all the way up to and including having a Very Serious Discussion with her about what happens when she dies and whether she (as 'Mom') will name you (as 'Daughter') an heir and executor in her will and when she will be giving you Durable Power of Attorney to manage her affairs. That ought to shut her up. If only you or I (or those with similar damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situations) could get up the nerve.

Hey Russ - yes, I like not only the outcome of the turface, but the simplicity! I can order a 50 pound bag and it will be enough for a couple years I think. I do filter using a mesh strainer - I know some folks get really technical and use bonsai sifters, but I haven't felt the need thus far. I separate coarse material for relatively mature plants and the fines are used for cuttings. Some cuttings, I use unsifted turface, such as jades: I figured they need the fines to start rooting, but need more drainage than the average cutting. I haven't lost a single jade cutting using this approach. I have some azalea cuttings, euonymous, and bougainvillea that are all doing well in turface fines, simply sitting on my front porch (no extra cover for humidity, getting dappled morning sun). My Fernwood (or japonica) sans put out a lot of new growth including a flower when I switched to turface from Gritty Mix, but I haven't tried my trifasciata or cylindrical in turface yet. Al (Tapla) talks about gritty mix on other threads; I'm going to try to paraphrase, and hope I don't misinterpret anything. Bark is the organic that holds a lot of water, but is slow to abosrb, which is why we often soak bark before using it: otherwise all the water runs right over it and out the bottom. I believe one of his stated reasons for granite, beyond drainage without holding water for longer periods, is that it does hold drops of water on it's exterior after watering which can be absorbed more slowly by bark. AKA, it helps bark absorb/retain water. However, when I've repotted plants in gritty mix, I've found the top to be dry and sometimes more moisture (not humidity) in the lower parts of the pot, presumably because of water sitting on granite. Conversely with turface, it gets absorbed quickly, it doesn't sit in drops or pools, and it gets released slowly/consistently as humidity, which is what roots want: a combination of H20 and O2. That being said, Al is many fold more knowledgeable than me - these are just my musings as I spend way too much time watching my plants ;) Regarding "improve other aspects of care," I think your right, people have more access to ideas and information, this thread being a great example. I look back on the way I approached my plants a few years ago while I was just starting to absorb information from this site and other sources, and I've made great improvements (with a long way to go still). So while I learned here that no amount of perlite will fix miracle grow (at some point, the plants simply fall out of the pot because the perlite is so light!), I also learned a lot of other things, so it is hard to compare the results I had with soil to the results I'm getting with turface.