My children are older now, not babies or children, but I had the same ideas as you when they were little - limited tv, limits on sugary snacks and sweet drinks, breast feeding, etc. And, like you, my mom laughed or ignored some of them. Fast forward 20 years later, my mom appreciates the way I raised my children and she understands now why I made the choices I did. I am very, very glad I had the rules I did when my kids were young - I was right and I'm glad I held my ground. None of your choices sound extreme to me - limiting sugary snacks, limiting t.v., wanting a schedule and more time just the 3 of you, no trip to the beach at 4 months old - those are all reasonable choices. Cheri is right, your parenting ideas will change as your daughter grows. And she is right, your parents have things to contribute as grandparents. But that doesn't mean that you have to raise your children according to your parents' priorities and wishes. However, keep in mind a few things - whenever you talk about the way you want to raise your kids differently - many grandparents would see that as a criticism of how they raised you, their own child. Before you phrase things, think about how they might come across to your parents as implying that their methods were lacking. Also, be sure and make it a point to mention to your parents what they did right. My mom and I have different ideas about television, putting coke in baby bottles, etc., but my mom is also the person who taught me that when things look hopeless you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as you can to change things. That is a gift she gave me infinitely more precious than riches or even education. Be sure and tell your parents what things they taught you that you will pass on to your children. Another suggestion that worked for us is that I told my mom that my husband wanted those rules. My mom simply ignored my rules if they were my rules, but she thinks my husband hung the moon and should have whatever he wants, so she (sometimes) listened if she thought it was my husband's wish. She did whatever she dang well pleased if it was just something I wanted. If my mom was particularly stubborn, my husband told her himself that he wanted it that way. Another thing that works well (with grandparents and babies) is to redirect. If your mom wants to take the baby somewhere, tell her no, now is not a good time, but this weekend would be great, how about then. Or if she wants to give the baby icing, tell her no, but baby loves sweet potatoes, why don't you give her that. Grandparents love to see "firsts" - first bite of chocolate, first time at the beach. Tell your parents, no, you can't take her to the beach this year, but when she's 2 you can take her and be there for her first time. You are being more than reasonable to limit tv, unhealthy snacks, limit visits to less frequently than daily or every other day, and set the expectation of higher education for your children early. Your mother is right, your daughter will express preferences of her own one day in education, food, hobbies, etc. That is still no reason not to set your standards high. If you are raising your daughter significantly different than the way you were raised, it will take years for your parents to change their minds. But when they see your daughter as a teenager, healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, doing well in school, winning awards and doing whatever extracurriculars (sports, violin, girl scouts, dance, whatever rings her bell), trust me, your parents will tell you you did your job well. I want to address something else cheri mentioned - her daughter's desire to use organic food, use cloth diapers, read to her children daily (I heartily endorse the part about reading to your children daily, by the way). The drive to be the best mom she could possibly be was strong in cheri's daughter, and even if her daughter changed her ways, she still probably has a strong drive to do her best. That drive should be honored, respected, and as much as reasonable should be indulged by grandparents. The realities of life will knock some practicality into the heads of young parents - let them have their dreams and give it their best shot. When my oldest was a baby my mother-in-law told me this, "In every young mother's life there comes a time when she has to look at her mother and say, 'Mother, you raised your kids the way you wanted, now it's my turn to raise my kids the way I want'." Be loving, be kind, include and affirm the grandparents, and let the grandparents have their way when it isn't important to you. But stand your ground with kindness on the things that matter. Everything you're asking for is reasonable and healthy for your child.

Coping With Grief “All his [Jacob’s] sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. ‘No,’ he said, ‘in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son.’ So his father wept for him.”�"GENESIS 37:35, The Holy Bible�"New International Version. THE patriarch Jacob grieved deeply over the loss of his son. He expected to grieve until the day he died. Like Jacob, you may feel that the pain of losing a loved one is so deep that it will never go away. Does such intense grief necessarily indicate a lack of faith in God? Definitely not! The Bible portrays Jacob as a man of faith. Along with his grandfather Abraham and his father, Isaac, Jacob is commended for his outstanding faith. (Hebrews 11:8, 9, 13) Why, on one occasion, he even wrestled all night with an angel to get a blessing from God! (Genesis 32:24-30) Evidently, Jacob was a deeply spiritual man. What, then, can we learn from Jacob’s grief? Deep feelings of grief and sorrow when a loved one dies are not incompatible with strong faith in God. Grief is the normal and natural response to the loss of someone we love. What Is Grief? Grief can affect us in various ways, but for many the overriding feeling is one of intense emotional pain. Consider the experience of Leonardo, who was 14 years old when his father suddenly died from cardiorespiratory problems. Leonardo will never forget the day his aunt broke the news to him. At first, he refused to believe that it was true. He saw his father’s body at the funeral, but it all seemed strangely unreal. For about six months, Leonardo was unable to cry. Often, he found himself waiting for his father to come home from work. It took about a year before the full impact of the loss sank in. When it did, he felt terribly alone. Ordinary things�"such as coming home to an empty house�"reminded him of his father’s absence. At such times, he often broke down and cried. How he missed his father! As Leonardo’s experience well illustrates, grief can be intense. The good news is that recovery is possible. However, it may take some time. Just as a severe physical wound takes time to heal, so it is with bereavement. Recovering from grief may take months, a few years, or even longer. But the acute pain you feel in the beginning will lessen in time, and life will gradually seem less bleak and meaningless. In the meantime, grief is said to be a necessary part of the healing process and of learning to adapt to the new situation. There is an empty space where before there was a living human. We need to adjust to life without that person. Grief may provide a necessary emotional release. Of course, not everyone grieves in exactly the same way. One thing, though, seems to hold true: Repressing your grief can be harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically. How, then, can you express your grief in healthy ways? The Bible contains some practical advice. Coping With Grief Talking about your feelings can bring a measure of relief Many bereaved ones have found that talking can be a helpful release. Notice, for example, the words of the Bible character Job, who suffered the loss of all ten of his children and endured other tragedies. He said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Notice that Job needed to “give vent” to his concerns. How would he do so? “I will speak,” he explained. Paulo, who lost his mother, says: “One of the things that has helped me is to talk about my mother.” So talking about your feelings to a trusted friend can bring a measure of relief. (Proverbs 17:17) After losing her mother, Yone asked her Christian brothers to visit her more often. “Talking helped to ease the pain,” she recalls. You too may find that putting your feelings into words and sharing them with a sympathetic listener will make it easier to deal with them. Writing can be helpful in expressing grief Writing can also be a helpful release. Some who find it difficult to talk about their feelings may find it easier to express themselves in writing. Following the death of Saul and Jonathan, the faithful man David wrote a deeply mournful song in which he poured out his sorrow. This emotional dirge eventually became part of the Bible book of Second Samuel.�"2 Samuel 1:17-27. Reading about the resurrection hope can be a real source of comfort Crying may also serve as an emotional release. “For everything there is an appointed time, even . . . a time to weep,” says the Bible. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4) To be sure, the death of someone we love is “a time to weep.” Tears of grief are nothing to be embarrassed about. The Bible contains many examples of faithful men and women who openly expressed their grief by weeping. (Genesis 23:2; 2 Samuel 1:11, 12) Jesus Christ “gave way to tears” when he neared the tomb of his dear friend Lazarus, who had recently died.�"John 11:33, 35. Working through grief takes patience, for you may feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster. Remember that you do not have to be ashamed of your tears. Many faithful individuals have found that shedding tears of grief is a normal and necessary part of the healing process. Draw Close to God The Bible tells us: “Draw close to God, and he will draw close to you.” (James 4:8) One of the principal ways to draw close to God is through prayer. Do not underestimate its value! The Bible makes this comforting promise: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) It also assures us: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22) Think about this. As we noted earlier, many have found it helpful to talk about their feelings with a trusted friend. Would it not be even more helpful to pour out your feelings to the God who promises to comfort our hearts?�"2 Thessalonians 2:16, 17. Paulo, who was mentioned earlier, commented: “When I just couldn’t endure the pain anymore and felt that I could not cope, I would get down on my knees and pray to God. I begged him to help me.” Paulo is convinced that his prayers made a difference. You too may find that in response to your persistent prayers, “the God of all comfort” will give you the courage and the strength to cope.�"2 Corinthians 1:3, 4; Romans 12:12. Here is a link that might be useful: Watchtower: Coping with Grief

While I was at my daughter's I did alot of reflecting on our marriage and wrote a lot of memories in my journal. The hardest part about being at my daughter's was sitting at the table with an empty chair staring me in the face that Ed should have been sitting in and also when we went to Estes Park walking around the shops I wanted to hold his hand like the other couples but his hand wasn't there for me to take and it never will be again. I also asked myself in our marriage who needed the other person more? I leaned on Ed for companionship and security. When we were in crowds I'd only feel comfortable if I was with Ed. Carrying on a converstaion with others was hard for me, but Ed could talk to anyone about anything and if I was with him I felt part of the conversation without saying a word. I may have made the everyday decisions but we talked about big decisions together until we agreed. At which point Ed thought out how to make it happen. There were usually compromises made on one of our parts, who compromised the most I don't know. But when it came to large purchases for the house I wanted Ed to enjoy it too & I didn't think it was that important to force my view or it was easier for me to give in than to decide what I really wanted. Also in our marriage I was the one who took charge, I planned and made lists and I'd give Ed a list of things he needed to do so whatever was planned would be accomplished. Whether it was one of the many times we moved, a holiday or just company coming for dinner. In reality I think he didn't care because then he didn't have to make a decision. The only time he didn't like things planned out was on vacation or day trips and we still had great times. I used to think this was a weakness but realized it was because he valued and trusted my opinion and judgement more than I realized. I tried to make a list of things I liked, but all I could think of was things Ed liked because it seems that is what we usually ended up doing or we compromised and thinking back than neither of us really got what we wanted. My biggest question was concerning my lack of being able to show emotions, as I may have mentioned because of my crying my children are now seeing a side of their mother they never knew existed. My mother used to say of all of her children I was the only one who didn't want to be cuddled. Ed was the compassionate one. I wonder can an emotionless person drain the emotions out of another person so that person could no longer show the other person emotion? Another thing I realized was that we had been in a mostly contented phase of our marriage until I started a new job in Oct of 2008. At which time I became very discontented and frustrated and I thought that is was because of Ed, when actually it was the responsibilities of the job. I wasn't used to the pressurers of that type of job and I took it out on him. Why is it we don't see our circumstances this clearly until it's too late? I hate the struggle between my heart, that wants to remember only the wonderful loving person he was a long time ago and my head that keeps reminding me of how miserable we both had been these past years. Which do I listen to? I realized I had to listen to both and continue with this conflict until I can make the two into the truth. I have to remind myself it's only been seven weeks. Again, thank you for letting me give a voice to my grief. Karen Anniebear I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope you continue gardening and don't give up on wanting to be a Master Gardener it is very rewarding. I also hope you will complete your project, keep us all up to date on its progress. Most important wish your husband a Happy Birthday from all of us. I was writing some information on my calendar this evening and turned to December and saw the Anniversary sticker I had placed on the date of what would have been our 35th Anniversary and I bawled because he won't be there to celebrate it with me ever again.

I lost my dear hubby in 1985. Sept. 13 & this is the 1st year "I forgot" the day. It's been a long haul as we had a great marriage & he was only 48, I was 42 with our 2 teens to raise. Every year we were married was better than year before, we didn't argue like most people so we were very close. It does get better but it is not all uphill, you go through bad days & not quite so bad days. If you want to crawl under the covers it's OK for 1 day but don't let that get to be a habit. Holidays will be hard this year but do something different with grandkids, go to movie with them or make cookies,make popcorn & play checkers, something you haven't done before, will be less painful for you. I didn't go to a support group as I was afraid it might end up being a "pity party" ( me telling everyone about my pain or everyone telling me-I couldn't deal with that) I had so many things go wrong that when something good happened that was when I cried. I forgot how to spell 4-5 letter words like when, where ,there etc. Can't look up in dictionary as brain couldn't figure out whhhh or thhh sound. Felt so stupid, washing machine would be going & I would see what I was washing & it would be just water, hadn't added clothes. I locked myself out of car a number of times(finally got smart & put an extra set of car keys in my wallet.- ran out of gas & had to walk 2 blocks & ask attendant if I could borrow gas can $10 deposit-DD was dying of embarrassment & got on floor in backseat-15 yr olds don't deal well with running out of gas) solution-fill up when you see you have 1/4 tank of gas left. Lock yourself out of house or in garage & can't get back in house(great when you are in your nightgown), hid a key in a very secure place so you don't have to call a locksmith. My hubby wanted me to go on & remarry, I told him I didn't think I would, so we had talked about it. I never wanted to be with anyone else. I've got medical problem, can't handle AC get headaches & if weather changes or fire in hills, I'm down sick for 2-3 days. But for most people I think it is good to find someone to live out rest of your life with. Think about how your hubby would feel if he could see you -would he want you sad & falling apart? or would he tell you to take it day at a time & start looking for happiness. Take a class in Tole painting or gardening or something you are interested in, or volunteer at a soup kitchen or hospital gift shop or something. Makes you realize you are better off than so many others. Hope some of these ideas can help you out! Don't stop mentioning your hubby, he was part of your life for a long time! I only got 22 yrs with my love! But he filled me up(I was a lonely kid) & I'm not lonely now! I do look at older couple holding hands & wish for a second it was me. But I'm happy I have grandkids & DD nearby & parents & DS calls & visits yearly. So many have lost jobs & wonder where next meal is coming from. Count your blessings & I'm sure you will find they are many. Hugs& prayers that you find peace & comfort in the days ahead.