Dear Joanie, I know how you feel. Hang in there... I lost my brother suddenly & unexpectedly just this past July. He was only 48. It has been such a shock. We are still trying to deal with him being gone. I never thought he would be the first to go. This is the first time I have lost someone whom I loved so much. The hardest part is watching our mom grieve. She is having such a hard time even though she is a very strong person. Thank God she is still in good health. There has not been a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I miss him so much. We were on vacation when he had the masssive heart attack. He was on life support for a couple days & held on until I was able to get home...he passed on his own about 2 hours after I got to the hospital, so I was able to talk to him & reassure him I would help take care of things. Just thinking about the sequence of events, the initial phone call & just reliving the sinking feeling when I first got the news, then when I got to the hospital & talking to him. I kept asking him to wake up, but it was not to be. (he had been brain dead since the afternoon he had the heart attack--the EMT's tried reviving him for 20 min. & then got him to the hospital.) I keep thinking of whether he was hurting or what he was thinking those final moments. Thinking of all the events, the funeral, everything. I wonder sometimes if he can see everything going on since he's been gone. Like you, I function best TRYING not thinking about this. I try to block it out, but I wonder if it's a "healthy" thing to do. I wonder if thinking it through, talking about it, & crying it out, will get the pain out of my system. There are times when I sit & start thinking & I have to stop myself...it's just too painful. I miss him terribly & can't imagine what it's going to be like without him anymore. We used to be regulars at our Sunday Masses, now, because of time constraints & having to help take care of mom, I am lucky when I can get myself to church. When I am there, the emotions let loose. I know he must be in Heaven watching over us. (I had the previledge of baptising him before he passed.) I know it's only been about 6 months, people keep saying it will take time. Everyone was great at the beginning. I had a great support system. Now, everyone has gone on with their lives. I am alone in my grieving. Even my husband has commented that it's time to move on. He commented that even though my brother is gone, our daughters & he are still here & living. I know he's been very patient, but he has not been emotionally support at all. I've been told, "Men are wired differently." I can deal with that...I know now, that no one understands what it feels like, unless they've experience a loss themselves. I have been to a couple different grief counselors...it always turns out to be a crying fest for me, so I have not gone in a couple months. I hesitate to call any of my "friends" to talk about things, I don't want them dreading our conversations, so I just don't call them. To add insult to injury, we are going through a messy & emotional probate with his wife. (Another long story, but in a nutshell, she thinks we are trying to scam her out of things & is totally paranoid, when all I have done is help her since my brother passed away. We are doing everything by law & trying to follow what his wishes were. Unfortunatly, the draft of a living trust he had can't be used because it was never finalized.The marriage had its share of problems & my brother thought they might be divorcing a couple years ago.) It has been a slap in the face that she is thinking this way, she has not once said Thanks for your help & support. Her behavior shows great disrespect for my brother. Going through the holidays was very rough for me...I am glad they are over. Thank you for listening...I don't know what the answer is to lessen the pain. I wish I knew & I could pass it on to everyone who has ever lost a loved one. For me, I hope that once the probate process is over, we can start grieving properly....take care & I send you a great big hug.... Mary

Among those I've known, it helped some finish their grieving period. take on new perspectives, and get moving again. Really was a useful departure point for them. Sorry to say for a few others it seemed to give them permission to continue wallowing in self-sorrow and a support group to reinforce it. I have no idea if those very different outcomes were caused by the grief counseling or group or if that's just the kind of people they were in the first place. Did notice the ones who moved on got busy.....got involved in various things and became enthusiastic again. The ones who stayed down became uninteresting slugs....sort of a permanent depression kind of thing. They also became tedious and boring to be around. If you've been dealing with this for this long, you might have a session or two and see what you think. Might get a few new ideas that would help out. Just don't make a new home out of it.

She spent two years in counseling and I stopped when we lost our insurance... she had been snowballing the therapist. She would tell him how wonderful things are between me and her when she was, in reality, ignoring me and treating me like I am non existent. I've been concerned because her mom lies pathologically. She went into my husband's work one day and ran past his window. He called her to ask why she didn't stop to drop off her daughter's backpack like they had discussed and she claimed she was home, three hours away. He told her he saw her run and jump into her truck and drive away with her boyfriend in the rental vehicle (my husband works at the dealership that fixed her truck) and she told him that it wasn't her, it was her 70+ year old mother that is almost a foot shorter than her. Three other people saw her and she still denies it was her. Whatever! No reason to lie about it.. who cares if it was her or not, but why lie? Last month, they went to court to get an order so BM's mom can pick up SD from school instead of BM. Later that day, DH gets a call from BM's mother telling him that it's a good thing the court gave her permission because it will save her a lot of money as she filed a case against him in her county and he was going to be served that very night but she went ahead and called off the process server. Well, an online check of the county court case index shows there are no cases filed against DH in her county, our county or BM's county. In the day and age of computers and online databases, her lie is so easy to prove. Again, why lie? Why even call DH to tell him he isn't going to be served on a case that doesn't exist? If he isn't going to be served, who cares? What difference does it make if a case was filed or not? But they seem to NEED to lie... I guess if nothing else, it gave her a reason to call DH. I just don't get it. When I first read the post saying that a lying disorder is hereditary, I laughed and didn't think so. But, reflecting on BM's mom lying over stupid things, nothing really... and BM lying over things that don't matter, maybe it's true. maybe SD can't help it because it's in her genes. If so, then what good is a counselor going to do? She's at least a 3rd generation liar and my understanding of therapy.. you can only help someone that WANTS to be helped. She apparently wants to be like her mom and grandma. I still don't think it hurts to have her write out why she thinks she did it and what she can do to make it better (amends), even if it isn't logical. I am not going to send the letter to anyone and there really isn't any discipline or consequence that could be imposed, I agree she probably doesn't understand why she does it and it probably is either a compulsion or modeled behavior that she doesn't know why she does it. But, I really don't think it will hurt her (and it's not a punishment) to self reflect and try to grasp onto some sore of thought as to why she...

Annette, My sincere condolences. I am also a nurse tho not actively practicing. My husband died Nov. 24, last year w/LC. He was 59 and I was 66. He was an "old soul" and I loved him. The age difference never made any difference to either of us. We were together almost 30 years. He had severe COPD w/lung capacity of 18% when we found the tumor, took 2 chemo tx and 6 weeks later succumbed. I had to put down our Rottweiler while he was in ICU, and we couldn't even cry together because he couldn't breathe if he did. I felt bereft because I also had to be the nurse, not the wife those last days. He died at home and wanted no one else to give his care. I treasure that, but it was extremely exhausting and it took me several months just to regain my own strength. My children do not live in the same state, but helped w/ phone calls and long weekends when they could. My sister came and stayed with us often at the end, for which I will be forever grateful. I guess I am trying to say that even though I thought I would just not make it myself, I have. I miss him immeasureably. I go on with living the best I can. I have returned to church and am active in volunteering. Sometimes too busy, I think. But it makes my alone-time feel good so to speak. Give yourself as much time as you need. You know to keep healthy and good sleep is important. Share your grief with those who cared for your dear one. You have given so much of yourself with your work, let others give back to you too. I didn't know what to do when I didn't have anyone to take care of. So, had to take care of myself! Please remember to do that too. Peace to all, Jan