Hi Jennifer...I read your post under sandybeaches topic. We, too, have no gravesite as our DIL scattered our son's and granddaughter's ashes without us. I have gotten so many good memory garden ideas from this forum; maybe that would help ease your pain to start such a place. I've found a good spot in our yard and will begin this fall with bulbs. I hope it will turn into a place where we can go and feel close to Dave and Millie. I'm so sorry about your mom; my heart goes out to you.

I know lots of people feel like you do. I don't think we ever get over missing our moms. I have not, though she has only been gone 3 years. I still think, "I wish I could tell mom about that." But we cry less and grow more comfortable with the loss, but it still makes us sad. Glad you shared.

Hello Jennifer. I lost my mother a few years ago very unexpectedly. Like you, I found that after a year or so I cried much less, though I thought of her just as often...almost as if you only have so many tears. I also read your post on the other thread and wanted to share something with you.

Unlike your mother, my mom wanted a traditional cemetery burial. I live 200 miles away from where she is buried (in my hometown) and only get home to visit about 3 times a year. Those visits are usually to celebrate one of my siblings' birthdays or a holiday. One time during the first 6 months since she had died, we decided that since we were all in town, we'd visit mom's grave.

Well, it caught us all by surprise at how much more depressed we became. Standing there, looking down at her name on the granite and the year of her birth and death just seemed so insufficient, so trivial, to be the entire summation of her time on this earth. We had to face the fact that she actually was buried somewhere below where we stood.

Up until then, all of us agreed that we constantly felt our mother's presence in normal everday things that reminded us of her. She loved birds, and every time I hear a bird sing, it reminds me of her. Whenever any of us smell the cologne she used, we think of her. Whenever I hear a baby cry I think of how my mother could pick up any baby, and instantly it would stop crying, like magic. The smell of cinnamon buns or coffee reminds us all of our mother, and the list goes on and on. But once we went to our mother's grave, it kind of made us think of her being only in that one place, instead of everywhere, if you understand what I mean.

In the 3 years since then, not one of us has visited my mother's grave again, it just makes us too sad...we truly hope our mom would understand. I'm certain that even if she had chosen to be cremated, I would only have taken some ashes to scatter, but not kept any, because it would upset me too much to see an urn with her ashes all the time. I know it is a very individual thing, so I'm very sorry for those of you who wish to have a grave to visit, or ashes to keep in memory of a loved one. But I just wanted to share what my siblings and I experienced...and that is the fact that it sometimes leaves you feeling MORE empty when you have an inanimate object such as a gravestone or an urn, than when you have neither, because having neither prompts you to see them everywhere, and simply recall your own memories and smile at everything that reminds you of them. I find comfort in that poem that says "Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not here I do not sleep..."

sudipav...I think that's such a wonderful idea. My husband and I are in the process of buying our very first house. We close Nov. 30th. I think in the Spring I'm going to find a nice spot and start a garden in my mother's memory. I know she would have loved that and I hope it does bring some comfort to me as I miss her very much.

Socks..I'm happy I have someplace like that where I can share my feelings. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

picky....I too feel my mother's presence in everyday life. She loved rabbits (and all animals for that matter). She had a family of wild bunnies who lived in the backyard that she named the Rabiniwitz Family. She loved those darn rabbits. I can still hear her "animal voice" she used when she talked to them. I laugh to myself EVERY time I see a little bunny hopping in the grass. As for the grave, it's not that I wish I had one to visit as I know I wouldn't be able to get there often. It's the fact that I don't know what happened to her remains that bothers me. But like I said in another post, I need to remember that she's still with me in spirit and her body was just a shell.

Question...do certain things make you feel your loved one's losses more.. For me it's music. I hear certain songs and it's all over. I hate this. I never used to be like this. I was happy for the most part. Now happy days are less and less. WHY???

Jenn,

Your story sounds a lot like mine. My mother died at the age of 58, when I was 32 (my sister was 30). That was 6 years ago. I would say things were better 1 year after her death than 1 day after, but I don't think things have improved since then. I stopped dialing her office number when I wanted to tell her something, but for every joyful (or sad) thing that happens, I still think she should be here. My sister feels the same way.

I understand what you are saying about songs. The same thing happens to me, it also happens with her favorite places, foods, flowers, etc. I am lucky that I have my sister to cry with and talk to about it. Our father gets very upset if we cry in front of him. He says she wouldn't want us to be sad, she would want us to "move on". But he cried at my wedding and at other "milestone" events.

Six years is a long time, and I find that I am becoming more and more like her as I get older. I don't know if it is a natural evolution (it would have happened anyway), or if I am making a choice to be more like her (people always said I was like my father). I know there are people (such as my father's girlfriend and her friends/family), that think my sister and I need to "let go", but we have no interest in that. She is our mother and always will be. We love her as much today as we did the day she died, while we held her hands. She was the center of our family and always will be. She is not here in body, but is in spirit. And we believe we will be with her again. I honestly believe that she is always with me.

I went back and read a few of your previous posts. I also had (have?) a lot of guilt. My mother was sick for awhile, but felt like I had to be the strong one (oldest child, father needed me, etc.). There were a lot of things that I didn't talk to her about before she died and wish I did. When we knew she was going to die soon I told were I was taking a leave of absence, but would give them one more week. She died on the last day I was supposed to work. I barely made it there before she died and I didn't get to say goodbye. I feel guilty for every little thing I did wrong during the last several years of her life (paying more attention to my boyfriend, who is now DH, than to her). In my head I feel horrible guilt, but in my heart I know that she forgives me.

I don't know if any of this helped you, or made it worse. I guess I sort of feel like there is nothing wrong with you being different than you were before she died. After all, she became different after you were born. It is just the natural evolution.

Jennifer, This November 2nd will be 10 years my mom will be gone.She was 55 when she died.I miss her just as much today as I did the day she passed on.This year seems to be very bad.Don't know if it's because DD got married and had to listen to everybody say how proud her Grandma would be, and boy that ain't no lie.I'm sure she was beaming from one ear to the other saying yep that's my baby girl.Or I'm not sure if it's the guilt of maybe I could've been a much better daughter,I'm just not really sure.Alot lately I just find myself wanting her back,thinkng how unfair it was she had to go so soon.I'm sorry I turned this into about me,when it is you who is having a hard time.I just want to let you know that yes it does get a little easier as time goes on.And remember that everything you do makes your own little star in heaven shine briter.I don't go to the gravesite as often as I use to,I just find myself talking to her alittle more all the time.Know what else is weird is when you go to say something and you hear your moms voice coming out of your mouth(lol), was talking to DS the other day and swore I heard my moms voice .He and I just looked at each other laughed a little bit than continued the talk. Micki

Dear Jennifer,

When i read your post i was surprized, i felt it is me who wrote it....my mom who happens to be my best friend as well passed away 2 months ago...i am 28 years old...she passed away on her 59th birthday before i had the chance to wish her a happy birthday day...it was morning...i went to her bed slept beside her talked to her ..but she never answer...she was dead...i felt life has stopped and i am stuck in the moment....my whole world collapsed....the pain is severe...and the moment i pass by any of picture i can't stop my tears....i am on Efexor as well i am not sure if it is helping yet...the memories -just like u said- are forcing themselves in my head...i just wanted to tell you i know how u feel...coz simply it is how i feel

Jennifer- and everyone here I just want to thank you for all the things you have said. First off Jennifer and then all the response you got from other members. I was searching the web looking for something -a poem -a message-anything to help me to cope with the loss of my mom. I fell upon this blog. All the responses you received helped me to believe that my pain will never go away but it will get easier.
I lost my mom 7 months ago. She was only 55. I am 32 and an only child. I am a very emotionally strong person just like my mom but everyday I cry. I miss her so much she was the Glue that held my family together. She spent just as much if not more time with my two boys. She was the ONLY babysitter they had ever been to. She never missed anything I did as a kid or that my boys have done she was at every game until she got sick in April. She was so important to all of us. Oh then there is my DAD my mom took care of EVERYTHING my dad had not even seen a check book since they were married in 1974. I now have to run my own house run my dads business and his home and work at my own job 55-60 hours a week. I have to be the strong one and I want to crumble. It is so nice to find others that have made it years with out their mothers because I still haven't figured out how I'm going to do it all on my own. I just want to thank all of you for your encouragement even though it was not for me it gives me hope.

Thanks to everyone for writing here - It has helped me so much - I lost my Mom unexpectedly in November - And the pain is so deep - and the guilt of how I should have spent more time with her - Broke down an emotional wall that kept us from having a closer relationship. I took her places, church, parks, but always wished we had a deeper relationship. Now I don't have the chance to tell her how much I love her. I keep telling myself I owe it to her to be the best person I can be going forward and to learn to break through emotional walls-What was the big deal- I don't know-it seems like no problem now-Why was it before?

Hello to all of you. Thank you for your responses, they have helped me bring myself to make one of my own. I am 20 years old, my mom passed away when I was 19, she was 46. As it has only been roughly 5 months since I lost my mom, the feelings are still fresh and they hit hard and deep. I think about her everyday, and even with time..it is just one hard challenge to face..simply the fact of never seeing her again, never talking to her again...never seeing her smiling face every day. 5 months have passed though, and I already feel like I am a completely different person. My story is very unique, and has its rough times, but I feel that every single experience, every hardship, the pain we all have to endure...it all just makes us stronger. I use my hardships and struggles in life to my advantage, convincing myself that I can overcome anything as I feel I already have accomplished a lot at such an early age in life. Dealing with the loss of a parent can and will change your life. It changed mine, and still does to this day. After 5 months, I don't cry as much, but there are always those days...still to this day, whenever a very exciting event is happening, or something just amazing...I always want to pick up the phone and tell my mom all about it, but I just cant do that anymore...just those simple things are the worst.

Accepting, and living your life to the fullest is the only thing you can aim at. You can't let the negatives run your life. Your mom will always be with you, whether or not on this earth or not, I truly believe my mom is and always will be with my forever. Acceptance, to me, is the hardest challenge in life. I believe that once you learn to accept, you can learn to do anything. I use her and everything she taught me to be the best I can be, and nothing's going to stop me from achieving what I want in life.

Mom died 3 months ago while she was sewing on a dress she was going to wear to our wedding. She was 89 and very excited about the wedding and a huge 90th birhtday party we were having for her the day after the wedding.
We still had the wedding and a reunion about a month later and everyone who came was very glad we did.

I still miss her so much and wish she had been there for our beautiful wedding. It was a Hawaiian theme and she loved Hawaii! We go to her grave sometimes and take a wreath for it but it is just not the same without her here. The world feels so empty sometimes.

I dreamed about her the other day and she was so very happy and healthy. On earth she was in constant pain from arthritis and crippled but in the dream she was walking and very happy. I love her so much and miss her dearly. :(
Carol

Gosh I am 53 and it is so sad to me that these Mom's died so young. Do any of you mind sharing what happened?

Anyway, My Mom was 76. She died of emphezema. It was 4 1/2 years ago..and I do cry less but I still cry. My father lived for her. Mom never spoke about being buried..so when she died Dad got stubborn..and finally he told us that he simply could not bear to put her in the cold ground..he wanted her ashes here at home. She is in a beautiful urn and he cuts her fresh flowers just about every day. Ya know I thought it would creep me out..but having her ashes brings me comfort. I agree that one really NEVER gets over it. We accept it..but the hole in the heart never goes away. I guess that's not really a bad thing..in a way it is a tribute to the love. We honor them by understanding that we are loved by others..maybe our children and we are important and life is for the living. So I am happy but my eyes are blurring up because I still long for her. I was so much luckier than many of you to have had her for so long. Still, the pain is so strong.

Dear Jennifer,
My deep condolense to you. I can feel your pain, i lost my mom one month ago to cancer.
I am still in shock and depression. My mom was my best friend and well wisher. Every thing living or non living which was attached with her at any point of time in life reminded me of her. But, reality is that she will never return to this earth again. Now i wish I could have spend more time with her. Although I was with all the time in her last days, sitting by her side as a helpless man doing nothing to ease her pain and restlessness, but it seems very little. Still after one month I am trying to come to term with the disaster. The thing which hurt me most is her desire to live. She wanted to stay here only 2 years more as me and my bro is still unmarried and it was her only wish to see our wives and our family. But fate was very cruel, she could get only five months. Now i think every thing else in this world is false except death.
Now i started serching "Life After Death" topic on web. As i want to know where a human being go after death.Is there heaven or hell any where or its only a fairy tale.
I cry everyday for her but of no use.One thing is changed in my life now I don't believe in GOD any longer.

Thank you for these messages. I lost my mom on Jan. 14th. She had been sick off & on but started going down hill fast in October. The end diagnosis was multiple myeloma, renal failure and CHF. We had such a wonderful relationship and her joy was found in loving Jesus and her family. I have good days and bad days (more bad). Our family revolved around her. I am looking forward to the day that people speak about "getting easier". I think maybe I am trying to move toward that too fast. Mom was 83 but she had a mind as sharp as a tack & that is what hurt the most in seeing her mind slip & her calling for family members that went on before. I wonder if this pain will really ease. I have 3 brothers who are married with family and 2 sisters either married or with children. My pain is that my youngest brother (44) never married & is on dialysis devoted his life to work & taking care of mom. Now he is on disability & it kills me to see how lonely he is. He is very introverted can someone give me advice? I feel like I'm slowly losing myself or maybe I am lost in the grief of mama and grieving for my brother's loss also

Manley, I am truly sorry about your mom. It doesn't matter how old they are when we lose them. They brought us into this world and we are connected in such a powerful way. I don't know what to say to help, really, and your brother is in a lot of pain, spiritually and with his health condition. Time helps a little, and after 3 years after losing my mama it is somewhat easier, but I still have my days and moments..and I imagine I always will. Just remember love lasts forever! We don't know why God makes us suffer so. I don't believe the apple/snake story...sorry...makes no sense why God would punish the entire human race for something like that. I just can't wrap my brain around that fable. Someday we will know the reason why things are the way they are and then we will be reunited with our loved ones in a world so full of joy and light it is beyond are capabilities to comprehend here on earth. I would be sure when the time is right to share stories with your brother. Get together, remember happy times and funny stories. Laugh together, cry together and know that your mom wouldn't want you both unhappy. She lost her parents and went on because it is what you must do. She still loves you and wants you and your siblings to be happy.

Duane

My daughter and I were watching the original "Star is Born" movie the other night. The main character, Esther's grandmother, after Esther had lost her husband to suicide, had this to say,
"Tragedy is a test of courage. If you can meet it bravely it will leave you larger than it found you. If not, then you will have to live all your life with a coward, because no matter where you run, you can never run away from yourself".
This impacted me so, as I lost my mother January 23 of this year. The pain has been excruciating at times. I too, questioned God about life and death. I wanted to believe that no God could inflict such tragedy on a human being. But then, these words spoke to me. I wanted to run away from the pain. To not feel.
But then, I realized, how thankful I am that I do feel pain. That I have experienced one of life's greatest miracles, Love.
My faith being restored has given me new hope, new meaning. If I didn't feel, if I didn't care, then I would join the ranks of those who are hard hearted and cold. I want to be on the winning side. WITH those who feel because of a seed of beauty that dwells within mortal man.
I am thankful. I am blessed. I am among those who's loves and losses have made them a more beautiful example of all that is good in this world.
Does it mean I am free from grief, not at all, but it means I can APPLY that grief in my life to bring a richness, a fulness if you will, to all that my hand finds to do, and to all that I have the priviledge to meet.
I want to be a better woman for what I've been through. The loss of my parents has created within me an opportunity to do so. A chance to leave the world a little bit of a better place for having had me here.
I hope you all find consolation and hope through the tragedies that you have encountered.
~~Kendra

Hey to all.... My name is Anna, I am 17 years old...
My Mom died when I was 16, she was 34, and on 11-th of this month will be the 1-st year that she si GONE! I try not to think about her, beacuse I just can't... I don'tm even know what to type in here, how to express myself... I just want her back!!! i AM THE ONLY CHILD, SO WEW WERE VERY CLOSE, SHE WAS ALL i HAD, SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING AND NOW THE PART OF ME IS GONE FOREVER... I live my life now, as nothing has happened, like I don;t fill any pain, I pretetnd that it doesn't hurt, I IGNORE my feelings, I NEVER LET THEM OUT, becasue I am scared if I will I can't stop adn I will lose my strengh... I always hold on, even if I am alone and the cry is unavoidable... I don;t know How to deal with my fellings, I can't let them out, caus there are so many problems, that it seems that if I aon't be emotionally strong, I can't deal with other problems.... I don;t know what is the reality, to believe and accept that "fact that she is gone forever"? I don't know... And I can't to talk to anybode around me... I can't show them that I am weak....

Anna,

First off let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I can honostly say I understand your pain. My mom just passed away in January of this year. Each day goes by and I still can't really believe it. She was 50 years old when she died, and I am 22 years old. I feel for you Anna, because to put it bluntly-we go screwed out of having our mom's around for the majority of our lives. You are way to young to go through this, and 34 is too young for your mom to pass away! There are soooooo many more things I wanted to experience with my mom, and now I'm trying to come to grips with the reality that those things will no longer include her.

Life can be cruel, can't it?? I'm sure it's hard for you to look around and see all of these other girls with their mom's, because that is exactly how I feel. But please realize that you are not alone. There are many other girls out there like you and me who are missing our mom's everyday. I know that won't bring them back, and probably doesn't offer you much comfort, but it helps me a little.

I totally know what you mean about shutting off your feelings. I try not to let my emotions get to me because I feel like if I give into them for a second, it will be the worst pain of my life. I still think about my mom every single day, as I'm sure you do, but I try not to spend the majority of my time being sad and longing for the past.

As hard as it is to realize, our mom's will never be on this earth again. But, I firmly believe that my mom is in heaven and I will see her again someday. She died from a horrible disease, and she suffered a lot in the end. I have some comfort in knowing she is finally at rest and her body isn't failing anymore.

Please hold onto the hope that everything happens for a reason. We have no idea why right now, but someday we will. Also, God chose you (and I) to stay behind on this earth for a reason. Make your mom proud everyday, and rest assured that you will be reunited again someday. I know it's hard and seems unfair, but what choice do we have but to deal with this? I try to be happy in my life because I know that my mom would want me to still have a good life.

Someone told me once that in hard times like these, when you find it hard to go on, put yourselves in the other person's shoes for a minute. Meaning, if you had died, and your mom was on this earth without you, would you want her to be sad, depressed, etc.? I'm sure your answer is no! For me, it would break my heart if my mom were unhappy all the time and miserable if I had died first.

Each of us only has a certain number of days on this earth. None of us know how many, but we all know they will be over some day. I'm choosing to live my life to the fullest, honoring my mom and carrying her memory with me each step of the way.

Please take care and remember you are not alone in this, no matter how alone you feel. It's okay to cry. I know I will have days of crying for the rest of my life too. But I want to make the majority of the days I have left-happy ones.

Please also consider talking about your feelings with someone you trust. I don't know how I would get through this without talking to my boyfriend and family. I think talking about it really helps, and also reminds you that your mom will always be a part of you.

God Bless You! Please keep me updated on how you are doing, if you feel like it :)

Lisa

Sorry this is so longI had a lot to say :)

My Mom was the greatest person, mother, wife in earth. She was the most spiritual, humble, compassionate, beautiful person I¡¦ve ever known. She was my rock, my faith, my comfort and my guidance, I feel as if I am lost in limbo without her.

She had such a story, she was the oldest girl of 13 Children, and she raised her brothers and sisters while her parents ran the bar they owned across from Leavenworth Prison. When she wasn¡¦t doing that she was working in the bar. It made her who she was; she never drank, smoked or swore. She gave my Dad 40 years of her life.

She lost her first born child when she was only 23. My brother Todd died of cancer when he was only 2, but yet she had the strength and courage to have 2 more children. I had told her so many times that I did not know how she could overcome that. With him being my only child at the time, I think I would have had to lie down and die beside him.

She went head to head with a few Demons¡Kreal ones¡Kand a couple of my boyfriends, and let me tell you she was not afraid to tell them where to go. º

My heart has been broken ever since January 5, 2005 when she was diagnosed she was given 6 months to 1 year, but she fought like hell for 1 year AND 6 six months. I am so grateful for all of the extra time that we were given.

When she was told of this horrible news, she refused it, would not accept it. As did my Dad, my Sister and I. How could someone so full of life, someone whose eyes sparkled so bright be given this terrible burden? It wasn¡¦t fair, but even then she was teaching us something. She was so brave and never once did she let her faith fall.

I spent every moment I could with her, every lunch hour, anytime Dad needed a break, to cook, didn¡¦t matter what I was there! I just wanted to soak her all in, time was running out.

Mom grew weaker, the pain intensified, and she had so much confusion from all the meds and so came the need for her to have someone by her side 24/7. I basically moved back ¡§home¡¨ for the last month to help Dad.

My sister was called and was also told to come ¡§home¡¨, time was running short. It was not until this time that she actually gave up, ¡§I want you to know that I can¡¦t fight this anymore, I am tired and I have decided to give up. I want you to know that you girls are the light of my life and I love you¡¨. And I told her that we understood, we would be ok and there was a little boy waiting for her and now it is his turn, we had kept her long enough. I thanked her for showing me the kind of person I wanted to grow to be and let her know how much I loved her And a few days later she was gone, I was there with her and holding her hand at that very moment. She was only 59¡Kand I am 29¡KI still need my mom.

She once was the greatest person, Wife and Mother on earth and now she is the most beautiful of all the Angels in heaven.
My Sister will be here for the Thanksgiving holiday and we have decided that it is time to start going through her things. Deciding how we are going to divide her art, and all her possessions that meant so much to her. What to do with her clothes, her shoes, her books.

Call me crazy but I always hope that something from her will show up somewhere, she was the type to tuck little notes away that you would end up finding. I look for her all the time in my dreams; I could sit in pure silence for hours waiting to her voice.

I miss her so much; I thought this was to get easier as time passes? Just when I feel that I am up on my feet, they get knocked out from underneath me. How do I deal? What about this hole I feel in my chest?

I too hate the cemetery, to see her and my brothers granite stones laying side by side just rips me apart, I never go and I do feel guilty about that, but I don¡¦t feel that is where is ¡§she¡¨ is.

June was the month we lost her, to be precise¡KJune 29th, 2006 11:13 am. I hate this month¡Kand I hate that day even worse.

I have been reading all of this...

I am not very close to my mother. She is just a rather distant, unemotional person, and this has never bothered me. Is it wrong that I am almost glad it is this way? I love her, of course, and will miss her and be devastated when she goes, but you all talk about how your mother was so loving and the 'glue' holding your family together and all that, and... I just wonder if it is going to be easier when my mom goes. And then I feel guilty for thinking that way. x.x

I'm very sorry for all of your loses. I do understand the pain because I have experienced the loss of my precious mom who was my best friend, my 19 year old daughter who was as precious a daughter as one could have, my only niece whom I loved dearly, and now, my dad is dying from cancer.
You have to believe that you will see them again when it is your time. It is hard sometimes, but you have to try to have that faith. That is what will keep you going.
I want to start another thread for this. I want all to see it.
Lu

I am sitting here on the eve of my Mom's passing.. tomorrow will mark 7 years, yet it feels like yesterday that I received the call. I live 1100 miles away from home, from where I grew up.. from my home town. My Mom was ill for a while and when we had to move away, I left her at the time in a Nursing Home. She was unable to live at home with my Dad ~ It broke my heart, and every time I went back to visit and had to say good bye when it was time for me to leave, I never knew if it would be a final good bye. In 2004, she took her last breath. We flew home as a family (my husband & our two kids) to say good bye. 'Home' has never been the same and I have only been back once since her passing. She was the 'glue' in our family there.. and when I lost her, I feel like I lost them all. Love you Mom and will miss you forever. xoxoxo

Hello, my Mom died in January very suddenly at only 49 years old. I am only 27. Our dad died when we were all very young...I was only 9...and it's wierd because when our Dad died it was so strong and so deep the pain made it hard to breathe for a long time...but we were so much closer to mom...we went through so many struggles together, years of homelessness and poverty and hunger...and we grew up and made it...and we started families...but we all stayed so close to her...she was our best friend, our original partner, the greatest and wisest...we all compensated for the loss of one parent by increasing our closeness with the other ten fold.

And she's gone now. A massive heart attack. And its such a different type of grief...you know the five stages of grieving?? It was so wierd...most of them didnt happen this time around...it was such a horrible gut punch to loose her...but almost immediately i started...coping...well. I was crying so much that first week, just devastated. Wishing i had taken better care of her. Noticed something was off. But at the same time...all those years of struggling through, with her by my side...she had taught us so much about God, and faith, about enduring thankfulness even in the face of crushing loss. And I am ok. I miss her every day. It isnt fair. But she did her job so well...bless her beautiful heart...that we are cleaving to each other and we're gonna be ok.

Thanks for letting me ramble at everyone. I know alot of these messages are very old, and im not sure if anyone is still reading these, but if you are...God bless and keep you, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mom died in july of throw year. I don't know how to get back from this always lost feeling a kinda numb feeling. I try I have a 2yearbig old that was her everything and more and he and my wife helped me get this far but now I am stuck. I cry all the time when I am alone angixty. Out of control. I feel a big empty feeling.but also a kind of numbing weight in my chest.I am trying.g to find faith again but it s hard I don't know what to beloved but I do keep waiting for a sight that she is ok or knows I love her god knows I did not tell her that enough ever all the guilt regret mixed with the worst pain I've ever felt in my life and not just for me I hope she can still hear me cause when I get to thinking that she'd dead and that's it that's when the pain gets the worst don't know where to go for help fam is only so helpful

Randy, I know how you feel...my mom passed away June 29 of this year, and I want to cry all the time too. She was my everything, and my son's too. He is 20 months old, and misses grandma...I don't know what to say in comfort, as I feel the same, but I do know that I need to be strong, she would want that from me. I come on here to read and post when the feelings try to overwhelm me, and it helps to read and talk to others. I don't go to support groups, because to say it out loud is too hard, but this does help. I have had several signs from my mom since she passed, I know many don't believe in that, but if you are open to it, you do see them. I have had my son's toys playing by themselves, and dishes falling in the kitchen when no one is there. I know she is with me. That doesn't mean I don't want her here physically, I keep thinking of all the things she would have wanted to be doing, things she is not seeing...but then I think, she CAN see us, I just can't see her. She would want you to be strong, for your wife and child especially, give that to her if you can. Cry when you want and need to, but get up and try again. That is all you can do, it is all I can do too. I hope you find this comforting, I hope it helps, when nothing really seems to. Please keep in touch by writing again. God bless.