I have to agree with Jessy on this, only because of past experience. It's been gnawing at me as I got to know about you and your mother. A personal story - my parents had a cottage in Maine, we went up every summer, I loved it. (My father and grandfather built about a dozen cottages on the lake and sold all but two of them.) I still go to Maine every summer. After I married, my XH and I would go up to the lake (different cottage), and when we had kids, we took them up. My parents were there and we would all do things together, we had wonderful vacations. My kids loved it, especiallly having their grandparents at the lake for swimming and fishing, etc. When my parents got too old to make the drive by themselves, I would drive them up, get them settled, and later come up with my family. At the end of the summer I would bring them home. My sister never went back, she did not like Maine or the cottage - too rustic. Apparently, this bugged my dad. I would talk about how much I loved it up there, and looked forward to having the cottage some day for my family to use. He never really commented about it. Well, when my sister took over the financial management for my parents, she reviewed the will, and found out that my father was leaving the cottage to her, and not to me. He told her that if he gave her the cottage, maybe he could somehow change her mind about coming to Maine. She had a lot of long talks with him, and he finally undestood that his reasoning was wrong, and changed the disposition of the cottage to me. Well.......... then he started worrying about lawsuits (god, I never want to get old!?), and decided to sell the cottage to my cousin, who owns the adjoining property and cottage. He sold the cottage just when I was getting a divorce - I have to say, losing the cottage hurt me more than ending the marriage, I can't afford to replace it, but husbands are a dime a dozen! LOL Your mom my have the same reasoning - my poor son, if I give him money, he'll love me, I can win him back. I've seen this happen to friends - it destroys families.

Well for the past 2 weeks he has acted like a jerk he says we have other problems which are stupid and have been a part of our lives forever, 1 was I finish his sentences, I said just say I know the rest of the sentence thanks, I do not even realize I do this. Prior to this crap he has always treated me well taken good care of me and is a great Dad. His affair was a long time ago and we have moved past that but he knows how I feel about his hometown. Just all this has brought it back to the surface for me. His Dad is 82 and dealt with cancer twice last year so I know he would love to see him and he feels he is killing 2 birds with one stone by going there to do his thinking. I feel he is killing our marriage. I really do love him, have since I was 14 can't even envision my life without him, but may not have a choice. I also am a true believer in once shame on you twice shame on me I will not stick around for that.

PART 2 he has spread lies about me all over town, has people look out for me and call him when they see me like I'm some kind of criminal. I've never been arrested or in trouble with the law. never was dishonest with them. matter of fact my honesty has been anmd still is used agaiunst me. his son is a dope head, has been arrested,for domestic violence, grand theft auto, breaking and entering, drugs, u name it. I still deal with the abuse because I need my adopted mom for a place to stay. I feel like a pile of dung for having to depend on her. its impossible to be independent when your making 10.50 hr. With a growing boy in school and fiance is hashing out problems with SSI as he is unable to work. and because she is brainwashed into thinking she needs him, he has control and messes with me however he can, yet i cant think of a way to kleep him away from me and quit messing with me. He set the pool pump to go on for 5 hours everyday and locked it and did the same with the sprinklers so we cant change it. I pay the water and electric bill. He's got the whole world it seems like convinced I'm on drugs. that infuriates me because no one sees that he's being dishonest and unreasonable. they all know his son is a skrew up and a drug addict and that he's been in all sorts of trouble. and I'm not yet they believe him. I wanna know where did his credibility come from? y are his friend and he's so stupid to believe him and not question his mean nasty things he says in such a mean nasty way about a child (when I was) and when he still talks so bad about me now, and to mainly the same people, now that I'm an adult and doing my own thing y don't they ever question him? I mean come on, it's got to get old at some point, this crazy white hair man running around can't keep my name out his mouth. y he is so hell bent on proving to the world that im a skrew up??

Lovemykids Too, I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are a lot of parents who have been through similar things, so don't feel like you are the only one. We went through some difficult times with one of my kids, so I sympathize with you and I have advice. First, nurture and take care of your marriage. For a lot of couples these kinds of problems take a toll on a marriage. Next, even if your son won't go to counseling, you can go. Particularly if he has anxiety and/or depression you may want to get some tips on how to handle this from a professional. If you haven't been to counseling before then keep in mind you may have to try more than one to find someone you can relate to. My husband and I found a wonderful counselor who had been through a lot of the same things our child had been through, but the first counselor we tried was a useless waste of time. If it were my child, I would consider paying for a cell phone for my son. It would be worth it to me to be able to call him directly if he went back to live at his girlfriend's house. But you don't owe him a cell phone and don't pay for one if you don't want to. In my opinion you are doing the right thing about the car. If the car becomes a major point of contention then I might even sell it or keep it and store it somewhere else. Since I'm not familiar with the situation I am just guessing, but perhaps the situation might partially resolve itself as time goes on? I can't imagine your son's girlfriend's parents like having an unemployed 19 year old man around who can't help pay for food and has no car. Hmmm, sleeping on the couch, sharing a car, burden on girlfriend's family....betcha there's more to that story than he's telling. Maybe girlfriend will lose interest after a few months if he has no more money. I would talk to the counselor about what to do when your son swears at you and says he hates you. Our daughter never did that and I have no idea what to do but I would be very reluctant to allow a grown man (or woman), even my own child, swear at me and say he hates me while he was standing in my own house. I would sit down with my husband and my son and work out a formal agreement between adults who live in the same house. I would go to a neutral location, like a local McDonald's, sit down with a cup of coffee and a notepad and tell him that you respect the fact that he is an adult. Ask him to tell you what he thinks parents should expect from an adult son living in their house and what adult sons should expect from their parents. Hear him out. Stay calm. Although he is sort of an adult, he's a very young adult, so model the behavior you wish he would use. If he starts getting angry or if you start getting angry, you can always stop the session with "I'm glad we sat down and talked together, it has been very helpful to hear what you think, let us think about it and we'll talk again tomorrow". If he is talking without swearing or yelling then be sure to end the session before he gets tired or overwhelmed and the situation deteriorates. Resist the urge to keep pushing through because he's been *good*. At this point you want to start a pattern of reasonable communication more than you want the agreement, although you do want the agreement. Another tool in your toolbox is "convince me". Instead of convincing HIM that you are right, ask him to convince you. I think I would find something that you think you could compromise on and let him convince you before I started on something bigger. Another great phrase is "you are an adult and I know you will figure this out". Also excellent is "what is your plan", a very versatile phrase. Also good is "you are an adult, adults contribute to the household they live in, how do you plan to contribute to this household". Adults living in a household pay their way, either rent, chores, or both. My daughter asked to discuss our issues by email and I was reluctant to do that, but it worked out much better for her and surprisingly also for her dad. We handled some in person but some in email. Work out consequences for infractions, yours and his. Don't agree to consequences that you won't follow through on. Don't tell him he can't live there if he doesn't mow the grass unless you're prepared to make him move out if he doesn't mow the grass. Not all consequences have to be negative. Maybe one of his consequences has to be finding a joke that makes the whole family laugh, maybe he has to figure out how to make ganache for the family or you get to wake him up with a silly song in the morning. Maybe the family has to eat dinner and talk to one another only through sock puppets, or he has to learn to say a phrase of your choice in Italian. Or give him a choice out of 3 things. I picked something that my daughter could not do without laughing and that worked like magic. She couldn't wallow in her role as martyred victim if she was laughing. Stay calm. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. If your son starts swearing, yelling, saying hateful things or if you start getting angry you can always tell him that you are stepping away for now until you can all talk like reasonable adults. Your theme is reasonable, calm, adult. It may take some time to change the dynamic and don't expect overnight change. Since your son has anxiety and depression, it would probably be very helpful if there is some kind of exercise or outdoor activity he would do with your husband, you, or a sibling. Kayaking? Rock climbing or bouldering? Disc golf? Geocaching? That phone Pokemon thing together? I doubt you will accomplish anything positive by criticizing the girlfriend. Just try not to dwell on the girlfriend in your head. I tried very hard to remember that I taught my daughter to do the right thing, and if she wasn't doing it that was on her, not her boyfriend. Your best hope is that you taught your son well and hopefully he will recognize the flaws in his girlfriend over time and they will either both grow up and be better people or he will end that relationship. Having 5K, blowing it all because his girlfriend wanted him to and ending up with no job, no car, and no money to do fun things with that girlfriend is a priceless lesson that could save him untold amounts of grief later in life. Don't be manipulated, it won't help your son. Have confidence in yourself and remember that what you want is a responsible, reasonable, self-supporting son in the long run. My once-difficult daughter is now a kind, thoughtful, responsible, hard-working, delightful adult who is as lovely on the inside as she is on the outside, which is saying a lot because she's very pretty. I could not ask for a better daughter. And her bratty boyfriend is now a wonderful, responsible, hard-working, delightful adult who is a much-loved and wanted member of our family (they married last year). But in the thick of our difficult times all I could do was try to do the right thing, hang on and hope for the best. Best of everything to you and your family and hang in there.