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My Story- I'm 25 and lost both parents

Posted by cindysweets (My Page) on
Fri, Oct 26, 07 at 12:47

I'm attending biweekly therapy sessions but I haven't found anyone my age to talk to about being an 'orphan.' I don't think I even like that word. Everyone I know that is under the age of 50 still has at least one parent. I do have a great support system through my husband and family and friends, but I don't think they can possibly understand what I'm going through.

Both my parents had been married to other people and had children before they got married and had me. So I have half-siblings but they still have another parent in their life.

I lost my mother when I was six in June of 1988. I was the one that found her. I found out much later in life that she was an alcoholic and died of cirrhosis of the liver. She was 36.

As a result, my Dad and I grew very close. We had almost 19 years together. He was closest with me than all his other children. He was a physician, so I spent a lot of my young life with him, following him around the hospital. When I moved away from college, we still talked every day, and he visited once a month. When I left the state to move here, we talked on the phone every single day and I'd see him 2-3 times a year. The last time I saw him was Dec. 2006 when he came to visit me.

My dad was a very hard working emergency room doctor. He always took care others before himself. I knew he loved his job but it was high stress and I knew he wasn't taking care of himself. I knew he had high blood pressure and was over weight. I'm pursing a career in nutrition and when I last saw him, I told him he needed to take care of himself because I was worried and I didn't want to lose him. And he told me he was going to try.

His death was sudden. He died 9 months ago today, on a Friday, January 26, 2007. I had last talked him on the phone 24 hours before.

To make all of this more tragic. My uncle, his brother, died the same day. Also a hard working physician.

That Friday morning, my dad had worked the night shift and was driving home, he received the call that his brother had collapsed and was unconscious. 15 minutes later he got the confirmation that his brother had died from a heart attack. We think within minutes the news precipitated my dad's heart attack, and my dad's car was found on the side of the highway and he was unconscious. According to their death certificates, they died within 30 minutes of each other. My Dad was 63 and his brother was 61.

It's been 9 months and I still can't believe both of them are gone.

I told my Dad the week before that my then boyfriend and I were going to get married in May. Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life, but the hardest because I was always prepared for my mom not to be there, and I always thought my dad would be.

I know I never dealt with my moms death properly and I knew once this happened that I needed to seek therapy immediately. I have very few memories of my mom but my Dad was a huge presence in my life and even though I didnt see him everyday, he was/is in my head everyday and I feel him in my heart right now. My heart that is so full of love but yet still broken.

And this may be very random, but if anyone watched last nights Greys AnatomyIt was a very hard episode to watch. George was telling a patient that if he could have given his Dad his heart he would have. And Meredith had her moms ashes. I had my Dads ashes for a few weeks before I decided to bury them, but she had spread her moms ashes in the scrubbing sink.and my dad was a surgeon. That opened up the flood gates.

I take it one day at a time and I know it will get better. I feel like there are more good days than bad, but those bad days still just, you know.

Getting through my wedding day was hard, but there is so much more in my life that is yet to come, whenever we have kids they will never truly know their grandparents.

Thank you for letting me share.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: My Story- I'm 25 and lost both parents

You've been through some very difficult stuff, Cindy. I lost my mom suddenly when I was nine. Like you, I became extremely close to my dad. I was very lucky to have him a long time. I didn't expect it to turn out that way.

Do you have siblings, or were your father's children from another marriage? I'm an only child, but I've read that it helps to share grief with brothers and sisters.

The closeness you shared with your father makes his loss all the harder to bear, but you can be grateful for that closeness, which many people never get to experience. And there's some comfort in the fact that you and your dad were not estranged or distant from one another. My guess is that you left nothing unsaid.

I'm glad you've realized that therapy would be a good thing at this point. I encourage you to write down your memories of your dad so that you can share them with your children one day.

Best,
Susan


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RE: My Story- I'm 25 and lost both parents

CINDY BY THE TIME I WAS 33 I HAD LOST BOTH MY PARENTS AND A SISTER AND A BROTHER. I FELT SO ABANDON EVEN THOUGH I HAD SIBLINGS, A WONDERFUL HUSBAND, AND A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER. IT WAS LIKE I WAS ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN. IT IS WEIRD HOW YOUR DAD AND HIS BROTHER BOTH DIED ON THE SAME DAY. I KNOW THEY WAS NOT TWINS BUT DID THEY HAVE A CLOSENESS NEARLY LIKE TWINS? I AM ASKING BECAUSE I HAVE A SISTER THAT IS FOUR YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME AND WE KIND OF
SHARE A TELAPATHIC (SP) LIFE. LOTS OF TIMES WE HAVE DONE THINGS THAT CANT BE EXPLAINED OR FELT EACH OTHERS PAIN.
WE LOOK SO MUCH ALIKE THAT WE ARE OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR ONE ANOTHER.
I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS OF YOUR MOTHER, FATHER, AND UNCLE. PERSONALLY KNOWING THE STAGES OF GRIEF HAS BEEN OF
GREAT HELP TO ME. I WAS HOSPITALIZED FOR POST TRAUMATIC
STRESS AFTER WATCHING MY MOM DIE OVER A THREE YEAR PERIOD.
NOW IT WILL BE 8 YEARS IN APRIL AND I FINALLY CAN PUT UP
HER PICTURES WITHOUT CRASHING. I AM VERY STUBBORN AND I
PLAIN AND SIMPLE WANT GOD TO BRING MY MOM HOME NOW!! BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT IS NOT THE NORM. IT DOES GETS BETTER.
AND YOU WILL NEVER FORGET HIS SMELL, SOUND OF HIS VOICE, AND THE MANY OTHER MEMORIES YOU HAVE. INFACT THEY WILL BECOME EVEN MORE CLEARER. FOR INSTANCE IF MY STEP-DAD WOULD DO SOMETHING WRONG SHE WOULD CALL HIM A GUMBALL. EVERYTIME I SEE A GUMBALL I THINK OF HER...IT MAKES ME LAUGH....
CINDY BEST OF LUCK.......I AM HERE IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK. YOU CAN EMAIL ME PERSONALY @EVE5967@AOL.COM.


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RE: My Story- I'm 25 and lost both parents

Hey Cindy:
Reading your story is very touching. I think we are kindred spirits. I lost my mom when i was only a few months old. My dad and his parents raised me. My grandfather died when i was 6. so my young life was spent with my dad and his mom- my mee mee. Unfortunately, my mee mee died in January 2008. a week after her funeral, my dad was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, multiple myeloma. I was shattered. I spent the last almost three years taking care of my dad, going through the ups and downs of the chemo and bone marrow transplant working and than failing and working than failing, than ultimately finding there was no longer any hope. The last week of October, we found out the cancer had spread and the chemo stopped working. my dad went on hospic and i devoted three weeks of taking care of him nonstop with my stepmom and my older stepsister. November 23rd, 2010, a day before my 26th birthday and 2 before thanksgiving, my daddy passed away. This has been the most horrible time of my life. my dad remarried only when i wasx 19 and i do not have any blood siblings. my moms family hasnt been in my life that much but we are building a relationship presently. my dad has one brother living and his wife who have been consistently in my life since i was born. my uncle has stepchildren but no children of his own. my family is dwindling. my dad and i were EXTREMELY close. he and i finished eachothers sentances, laughed at things only we understood, and spent a lot of time together. in many ways, our lives were connected and one. He was my dad, my best friend, my hero, my protector, my everything. I played umbrella by rihanna for my dad and even made a video on the computer of pictures of he and i to that song during his bout with this cancer. I listen to that song today and it makes me both hurt and smile.

I am just like you, trying to find my place in life, trying to find a way to live in a world without my daddy, without my parents, without a real home. I am too sad that my wonderful daddy will never get to be a part of his future grandchildrens' lives. I hurt for him, hurt for myself, and hurt for the children i will have.

whether its been two weeks or nine months or forever ago that we lose our parents, it feels deep and fresh. its an incredible feeling of despair to be a young adult and an orphan.

please feel free to email me: rachelen@aol.com. I dont know of ANY people who are in my same unique experience and would love to email with you and talk with a kindred spirit.

God bless,
rachel enderwood


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RE: My Story- I'm 25 and lost both parents

Hi everyone,
I am so sorry for everyone's loss. I am fortunate to still have my mom at 67 years old, mom is 92 and in pretty good health right now. This is a hard time of year for those of us who have lost loved ones and we just have to try to be strong or it will take us down. I wish you all a peacefull holiday season and renewed strength for the coming year.

Rachel, my husband too died on November 23rd,2006, two days after my birthday and on Thanksgiving day, so we get a double whammy with Thanksgiving and Christmas/Hanukkah.


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