I miss my brother too!

16 years ago

I lost my brother on 10th july 07, it has been two months today plus one day as it is now the early hours of the 11th. The nights are hard, I tend to grieve alone too, I find it hard to talk to people too, I am pushing my partner away and I snap at my son. I have been busy recently so I have avoided thinking about it but then it comes into my head and I just want to shake it out. Then I feel bad for not thinking about it.

My brother was murdered in Belfast, he lived a somewhat troubled life but he still always had a smile on his face. I kept promising to go and see him but I put it off, for one reason or other, although money ws tight. He liked a drink but was I feel at the beginning of his journey to kill his demon. It was my birthday on the 5th july and he always called this year he didnt and it took me finding ou that he was dead to realise he hadnt called of I had thought about it on the day he may still be alive. My brother had been attacked on July 2nd in the city centre, he was admittted to hospital and we were never contacted. He was awake but I have since found out from people who visited him that he was behaving strangly and he did not recognise them.

He had touched a nurse innapropiatly and was subsequently arrested and moved to a police station then called back later because there had been problems with his x-rays.

The people that went to see him on 6th July said that he was laying in a wet bed on a seperate ward under police guard. ( this was for a failed court appearance for some trouble he had been in nearly a year previously- that the police have now told us that charges would have been dropped. The guard was not supposed to let my brothers visitors to see him but they said that the guard had seemed concerned. The people said the staff at the hospital were very uncooperative.

I think that my brother may have been drunk when he entered the hospital and after his behaviour with the nurse - they didnt bother with him. As one of my brothers closest friends has said to me if he had been a man in a suit he would probably still be alive!!!!

So there are lots of complications surrounding my brothers death in amoungst all of this I have to grieve and I am scared.

My partner just came to see if I was ok and I hid this from him, its almost like its becoming my secret and I am not sure what to do.

Someone else has written about their sons sending messages on baloons and recently at my partners friends memorial his parents did the same. I want to hold a memorial for my brother at our local park, so children can come too, as my brother loved kids, but I dont think im ready to organise it yet.

I think writing may be quite comforting.

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Comments (5)

hamc36
16 years ago
I am sorry for your loss. I think its normal to distance
yourself emotionally from your partner and son. I did the same thing when my brother died. I think its your subconscience's way of protecting you from further loss.

A memorial is a good idea, but its okay if you are not up to organizing it right now. It doesn't even have to be a formal planned event. On the first anniversary of my brother's death, I walked to a park (we enjoyed going for walks together) smoked a cigarette (another thing we did together) and wrote him a letter, while gazing at one of the
few pictures I have of him.

Also, like you, I am finding my grief to be a deeply personal part of my life. It's nice to come here to hear words of encouagement from others who have experienced a loss, but I don't talk about my visits to the grief forum with my husband or anyone else. My husband knows how sad my brother's death makes me feel, but I don't think he knows that I still cry almost daily.

I work in healthcare and I think its terrible that your brother received substandard care because he touched a nurse inappropiately.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. I hope in time, you will be able to focus less on the horrible way he died, and more on his life and the good memories you have of him.
bumble
Original Author
16 years ago
hi ham 36, thanks for the reply. I am curious as to whan your brother died, if you dont mind telling me?

I feel abit better today, I think I am going to weed my garden and keep myself busy.

As I wrtote my post late last night I forgot to mention that my brothers innapropriate behavoiur towards the nurse was totally out of character, he had the upmost respect for both women and elderly people, he was the type of person who would stand up if a women would enter the room!!!!

By diong a google search a remembering a drama that I watched on TV, this behaviour is significant to brain damage, im no doctor and it took me five minutes to find out. If the hospital had given both my brother and my family the basic human rights of letting us know! we could have told the hospital this!!!

I think angers is my emotion for the day. Grief really is something of a rollercoaster!!

There were three Lithuanian guys involved in the incident with my brother and two have been caught, one remains in custody awaiting trial for murder and the other has been released and charged with affray.
I dont think they will ever get the third man. The main thing is they caught the one who layed the what has turned out to be fatal blow.

I am angry at the guy that did this to my brother, but I know that he never set out to kill him, so I actually hold more anger towwards the hospital and their inhumane behaviour, I just hope that we can stop this from happenning to anyone else in the future.

The police have been really supportive to us, which is a godsend.

Thankyou for your support, I would like to offer mine in return. It helps to know that no matter which way we grieve its seems to be quite normal behaviour, i think the only way is to just go with it.

Thankyou bumble
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jimboe23
16 years ago
Hi Bumble,

I read your messages and I think about how hard it is for you, and I wish I could hold your hand and tell you what I have learned, which is that things will get better. One day at a time is a cliche, but with good reason.
My brother died six months ago, although it was under different circumstances, but it doesn't matter, it was very very sad and for so long all I did was hurt to the point where I cried every morning before work, had a few days I did not go to work because I was a wreck.

I organized a memorial to my brother. It was three months after he died (funeral had already occurred back in the town we were born in, this was a local thing for people who knew him in Calgary). At first I was tense about all the stuff I had to do, then I thought about how I had people around me who would help, and that there were no expectations that had to be met. The people that attended were obviously the people that loved my brother and should have been there, so all my worries disappeared.

Maybe my message is not much help to you, but I encourage you to hold a memorial, whatever it is will be wonderful. Our's was held in a very simple place, and it was very much in keeping with my memories of my beautiful, very nice brother.

I really do feel qualified in saying that things get better, use every resource you can find, friends, books, everything, and just get through the days. Make each day a testament to your brother. Yes, just go with it, but do it with your loved ones and trust and love yourself.

bye
hamc36
16 years ago
Hi Bumble

I'm glad you are having a better day. My brother died over a year ago, May 12, 06. It turns out he had a genetic heart
condition. The muscle in his left ventricle turned into fat and couldn't pump blood to his lungs. He probally died in his sleep, just after watching his favorite tv show on DVD.

Your last sentence reminded me of something I read in one of my grief books. "Abnormal behavior in an abnormal situation is normal"

May I ask how old your brother was?
dan_aust
16 years ago
lost my brother no august 2002 in a car accident .It was hard as he was my realy only family , my mother and i have such a strained relationship ,and i didnt know dad realy well till i was 22 but after gavin died we got realy close . but that was short lived as i was finaly comming to terms with gavin , dad died 12 of april 2007 from a massive heart attack at the age of 56 and he was very health as far as we all knew .For the first time i truly feel alone , im the last one of my family . i dont know what to say , but sometimes i just hard for people to understand . just guess i need to get somethings of my chest ,its now 6 yrs scince gavin died and i think of him every day , as i do dad. but i rember the good times , and try to think of happy times it helps with all the other fellings . all the best people , guess need that said for myself , but all the best and my thoughts are with all those who have lost the most dear to them

all the best dan

I miss my brother too!

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hamc36

bumble
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I miss my brother too!

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hamc36

bumbleOriginal Author

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bumble
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