Mom died 2 yrs ago and I can't talk to anyone in my family

16 years ago

My mom died in her sleep in another state . She had been in ill health, but this was a shock. I didn't get closure ,no good byes. Now 2yrs later I'm finding out that her scumbbag husband was having a affair and moved her in to thier home weeks after we buried her. I knew something was up by the way he acted at the funeral .He just wanted a short one but my family made him do the whole thing . There room was packed which was a testiment to my mom. He went out and bought a stone without her family which was wrong and I hate it ,It's so small and then he said he had to rush home which is in Florids. Again strange. I was the only one who sensed something was'ent right .But I only have 2 brothers who don't want to deal with this .I know what done is done but he still has my mom things .He says he wants to remember her ,but that lasted long enough for him to move in his new gal. I'totaly torn up over how he detroyed our families and how he has treated my mom's memory. My husband just tells me to let it go .I have such a hard time and so hurt and pray that she didn't know. He was such a louse and she would'nt see it . I miss her so much but I have to suffer alone .I hope someone here can understand or am I just a idiot and they are right and just keep it to myself. Sorry for the rant but I just needed to ask for help........

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Comments (5)

kayjones
16 years ago
http://foru.ms/f236-grief-support.html
alisande
16 years ago
That's a tough thing to deal with. I can fully understand why you would want some of your mom's things, and why his behavior bothers you so badly. Your husband is concerned about its effect on you, and his advice is good. But I can see why it would be hard to put it behind you.
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solstice98
16 years ago
You are not an idiot and any feeling you have, you are entitled to have. However, if the feelings are destructive and there is no solution, then you shouldn't hang on to them any longer than you have to. I know it's hard but try to remember that you can't change your mother's husband or what happened. You can only change how you deal with it and by letting it eat you up, you are giving him a level of power over your emotions and life that he doesn't deserve. Focus instead on your mother's life and your interaction with her. I'm sure she knew you loved her and was proud of you.

Although it's not easy to face, it's not uncommon for spouses of very ill people to develop other relationships, especially if the illness lasted for years. I'm not making excuses for him and his actions since your mother's death are tacky. But you can hope that while she was alive he treated her well and made sure she was cared for properly. You say he was a louse and she didn't see it but you also said you are just now finding out some of the details of his affair. Maybe he wasn't a louse to your mother.

Her things don't matter and his actions don't matter. All that matters are your memories of your mother. Remember what she taught you and how she made you feel. Know that she would want you to be happy and to have a great relationship with your husband. She would want you to feel peace. You'll always miss her, but I don't think any mother would want her daughter to feel such turmoil 2 years after her passing.

You are a good daughter for caring so much. If you can't let it go, then try to figure out how you think it should be resolved. What could he give you of your mothers that would make you feel more closure? What could he say or do? If you can figure it out, then it's worth a try to tell him and explain your issues. If there's nothing he could do to change it then you have to figure out what you need to do to move on.
sculley
Original Author
16 years ago
Thanks for all the comments. I can understand that I need to let go. I miss her so badly and hope to move on.I know it will get easier as the years go by .Thanks again....
buddha77
16 years ago
Dear Sculley,

I lost my father 7 years ago and my mother last year. I think I can share some thoughts/insights.

Sounds like you're hurting, but it's coming out as anger, but it's really deep pain. I feel the pain from such a loss too. It's good to grieve to an extent. I suggest a counselor who is available for you to understand your feelings. A counselor to get into the real private stuff that you may not even know. The counselor will help you deal with any feelings, depression, and coping with the death of your mother. I lost my mother and it really affected me. I lost my direction, life is difficult for those who have lost family members. Before my mother passed she told me to be strong. How truthful those words are to me. She was Japanese, a wonderful lady. I know you love your mother. Surround yourself with people who are helpful and honest. Focus on your family that is still here.

Remember the happiness of your mother. The negative you cannot change. The good, no one can take away...the bad, deal with it or bury it. Anger, bitterness, and trying to change others never ends well.

Live a life of peace...that will please the spirit of our loved ones.

Mom died 2 yrs ago and I can't talk to anyone in my family

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Mom died 2 yrs ago and I can't talk to anyone in my family

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kayjones

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