Lost my partner now what do I do? Sounds like a cute song but it has become our lives and I really need to know what to do. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

First, I am at a loss for words after reading some of these postings. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

We lost my 44 yr. husband to pancreatic cancer on July 19, 2006. His diagnosis from Nov 2005 until Feb 2006 was pneumonia, then they said he had pulmonary embolism (PE). Never, until the day he died did they even say the word cancer.

He never knew what he really had because he had become mentally unstable in late June (they were never sure why) - 5th hospital visit since Feb 14th, always hooking him up to blood thinners for the 'clot' that after autopsy they found was actually a piece of tumor that had traveled. He had vivid delusions of people and places from his past. People he worked with, people he served in the Air Force with but he knew us, just had no idea where he was or why he was there or even the year. This was just about all of his last month.

He aspirated stomach contents into his lungs 1 week before he died and was on a respirator for that last week completely unconscious.

So, it has been 2 months since he passed and I still do not feel like I am dealing at all with the loss.

I went back to work 2 weeks after the funeral (had to or no pay) but when I am there I avoid everybody that I can and cannot, under any circumstances, talk about my husband without becoming a weeping mess.

I absolutely can not talk about my husband being gone to anyone other than his sister and my father, and that isn't even really 'talking' - they make a comment and I say 'I know, I know' but in reality, I block out a lot of what they are saying - I just don't want to think about him being gone.

I know I am avoiding his death. Even to type these words feels so wrong. I've put his stuff away in his closet, haven't dealt with Social Security for our children (and we could definitely use the money). I just dont want to think about it.

I gave his car to our nephew because it pained all of us so much to come home and see it in the driveway and I just couldnÂt drive it because it was his car - even though my car is on its last legs and a lot older. Giving it away makes no sense; I should have traded it in with my car and gotten a more reliable vehicle. I see now why people say 'Don't make any big decisions for the first year'.

It is almost like I feel that if I don't THINK about it it won't hurt but I realize that I am just avoiding it at all costs. This can't be healthy can it? Is it normal? Have any of you just been like ostriches with your head in the sand - "I can't see you being gone so you must not be"

Do we need grief counseling? And by the way, what is grief counseling? How does it differ from 'regular' counseling? What do they do there? Since everybody grieves differently, would family sessions really help? I just don't know what the Âright thing to do is. Not to mention, IÂve never been a fan of therapy in any sense.

I am just at a loss of what to do. I keep reliving every medical detail, wondering why I didn't know there was something more wrong, wondering why we put all of our trust in these doctors who failed us horribly, wondering what I could have said or done that could have made the last months of his life so much better. I swear, my head is so full of 'What ifs' that I feel like I am going to explode or drown in them.

Ok, at this point I am totally babbling and I apologize. Some days I feel like the raving lunatic I sound like - today is one of those days. And when I say days I actually mean seconds because it hasnÂt been about having a good day here or there, it has been about having a good second, of which there have been few and far between.

I have to figure out what I am doing and how to deal with this, not so much for myself but for my kids. I need to stop living in this little Âignore it and it will go away world IÂve been in but I donÂt know how to start.

Please, any suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated.