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Seems to get worse everyday

Posted by Brycesmommy (My Page) on
Thu, Sep 23, 04 at 18:39

I have been coming every now & then to see how everyone is doing. I just haven't had the words to describe how things are going here. But I'll try because I need some advice or hope or something, I don't know what. Things that were once important in my life don't seem to matter to me anymore. I have a wonderful family & husband & a career I love. But I don't care about any of it anymore. The only thing in my life that is really important is my precious son but he's not here anymore. Everything I chose in my life depended on his happiness. Now I feel lost. I feel bad too because I know I shut everyone out, including my husband. I don't mean to but it's just so hard to deal with anything so I say I'm fine. I just wish I knew what to do. Sometimes it seems like I have things under control then I just lose it. It feels like then longer I am without him the harder it becomes. Is this normal?? Please help.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Seems to get worse everyday

yes it is very normal and altho i never once after jamie died thought i would ever smile again i have managed to..because you must go on...maybe if it werent for her son kole and my 23 year old son ricky i wouldnt have been able to ..but as you have to realize they(the children left behind)are also hurting and they need you now more than ever and so does your husband....i know men think they have to be strong for us and if we dont stay connected to each other disaster happens..so check in on him and make sure he can let his grief out too...this is so very normal what you are feelin...it took me over two years to get this far and believe me i still have my suicidal moments ..but how could i put those i love thru another tragedy...i vow to hang in til i see my beautiful daughter again and i know i will.....and you will see your son ..when your time comes...but while you are here make the most of every day..please stay in touch...we care


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RE: Seems to get worse everyday

I agree with what Terri said. I don't remember if you said you're seeing a counselor. If not, it would be worth your while to ask around and find a good one, preferably someone who knows something about grief. Although the therapist I still see occasionally does not specialize in grief counseling, and she was a wonderful help to me.

Can you identify what helps you most in your grief? I needed to talk and cry. In order to do the former, I needed friends who were willing to listen, sometimes to the same things over and over. Fortunately, I had these friends. Sometimes I cried to them, but more often it was done in solitude. Even now, three years later, if I don't periodically have a real cry I feel it building up, sometimes with physical consequences.

At some point I realized with some surprise, I didn't cry today. I probably cried the next day, but that was the start of a very slow coming out of the hole. You'll get there, too.

Susan


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RE: Seems to get worse everyday

It's still soon for being 'fine.' It's never going to be the way it was before, but in time, things get different than they are now. The keen, aching pain slowly gets duller. You may wake one day and realize later that his name was not the first thing you thought of this particular day.

Maybe you need to muster the courage to tell some of your loved ones that you're not really fine. It's all right to say "I'm okay but I'll never really be okay again." None of us will ever be the same. We need the support that only our nearest and dearest can give. We prop each other up.

Nell


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A web site that might be helpful

This web page might be helpful to you. If you find it hard to read all of it and comprehending is difficult, that's another part of the grief process - not being able to concentrate. I bookmarked this when I couldn't take it all in at once, months ago.

Here is a link that might be useful: Psychology of Death


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RE: Seems to get worse everyday

Everything that you mentioned is normal. Losing our children is losing a part of ourselves.
I spoke to a friend the other day who had lost her son four years ago and she told me that she still cries every single day.
Sometimes it helps me to get myself in a certain mindset. I think our conscious attitudes rule our feelings and actions so much. If you are a person of faith, tell yourself that you WILL see Bryce again. Compared to eternity, you will only be separated for a short time. Tell yourself that he is happy and content and does't want his mommy to be sad.
I agree with you that as time goes on, it gets harder. At first, as in my case, it was a total shock and I think I was filled with disbelief/denial or maybe the inability to face reality at the time. As time went on, I missed her more and it got frustrating because she wasn't coming back.
(I guess there was a small part of me that thought that it wasn't real and she would come back)
The word I use now after 6 years is "Surrender". You get so tired of the grief, the wanting them back, the wondering, searching for unanswerable questions, and on and on and on, that you finally surrender to it all. You feel like a whipped, tired, dog. It effects every aspect of your existence, but you survive and things do start getting better.
Try to surround yourself with other mothers who have lost children. Attend Compassionate Friends meetings if there is any in your area. If not, there is a forum that you can write online to other grieving moms. I'll look for the link.
Take care of your husband and other children if you have them and if you love your job, take care of it, too. You don't want to lose anything else that you love. I know that it is hard to focus on other things/people now, but the people and things that you love will help give you strength. Where would we be without them?
I wish I could make your pain go away. I know it is so very hard...... the hardest thing that any parent ever has to deal with.
Please stay with us. Sometimes just writing how you feel helps to dispel bad thoughts and feelings.
Lu

Here is a link that might be useful: Compassionate Friends Site


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RE: Seems to get worse everyday

lu you always know how to put things into such beautiful words.....you have said it all..i cried when i read your post..thank you..i needed that


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RE: Seems to get worse everyday

Dear Friend,

After thinking about your post off and on all day, I really feel you need to reach out in a big way to your husband and/or your family to tell them of your anguish and suffering.

You are experiencing such awful misery, I just don't think it is doing you any good to try to tough this out alone. Any maybe your husband or family will welcome the chance to share their pain also.

As Lulie suggested, definitely, definitely get in touch with Compassionate Friends. Make yourself do it for your husband and the rest of your family.

Take care, and keep us posted on how you are doing. My heart aches for you.

Susan


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RE: Seems to get worse everyday

I couldn't have worded my feelings any better than Lulie did.

My son will be gone 4 years on October 3rd and it still hurts so much. Not like the crushing, take-your-breath-away, knock-your-knees-out-from-under-you kind of hurt, but a deep, resigned sadness.

Someone told me in the very beginning that it wouldn't always hurt so badly and I just couldn't imagine how she could be right. But she was.

Be kind and patient with yourself, it takes a lot of time to even start to feel a little better.


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RE: Seems to get worse everyday

Thanks everyone...& Lu..You really do know how to put things into words. It always makes me feel better when I read your posts. Thanks
M


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RE: Seems to get worse everyday

Whatever you do, don't pretend things are fine with your family. It forces them to pretend as well. It has been sixteen years since the death of my son, as someone said before, there will come a time when he isn't the first thing you think of in the morning or the last thing you think of at night. For the first two years I would have never believed that. I dealt with my grief, I never pretended that things were ok, I went to grief therapy. I announced to my family that I would never make another Lemon Icebox Pie, and I haven't, and they don't ask. That first Thanksgiving and Christmas we sat down with our other son and discussed how to deal with it. We went out to a restaurant for both. We found ways to cope together and we made it through. I miss my son very much. But until we are together again, I'll live life to the fullest.

Betty


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RE: Seems to get worse everyday

You all are so very welcome. It makes me feel so good to know that maybe I said at least one thing to help make someone feel better with their grief. Maybe this is one the good things that is coming from Christin having to leave this earth. Maybe we can all focus on something good and positive that we can do as a direct result of our loved one's leaving.
Lu


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