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Grief, Loss of my mother

15 years ago

My mother died on August 27th. I am the only daughter and the oldest of 3 living children. I am completely numb most days and find it difficult to control my emotions. One of my brothers acts as if my feelings are beyond the norm. From all of the resources I have read through I am fine. I hate to use the word normal. There is never going to be a "normal" again. I am 45 years old and my children are grown. I love my family and we are extremely close and yet I feel so alone.

Comments (3)

mariend
15 years ago
I am sorry about your mom, but realize it will take a full year to asorb the loss etc. Also it is important to find a good grief course in your area. Being with others will answer some of your quesions. Look in the paper, social services at the hospital etc. Start a memory book and work on it each day, if you feel like it. Pictures, thoughts, letters etc.
loagiehoagie
15 years ago
I don't know about the one year business. I think it is different for everybody. Some people are closer to their parents than others. My mom passed almost 3 years ago and I still break down and cry almost every few days. We were very close and I miss her so very much. The one year time frame is beyond my comprehension. Perhaps for some that would be okay, but I certainly would not use that as a basis for every person and their time for appropriate grief.

Duane
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David, I am so sorry for your lost. I, too, lost my mom when she was 81, which was 5 years ago, so I do know that grief. An even more difficult loss was losing my daughter 2 years ago. I thought I would literally die when she did, but God's timing was not mine. As a Southern Baptist pastor, you've consoled many others over the years, but it's just not the same. You must now grieve yourself. No one will questions your beliefs because, if you remember, Jesus even cried over Lazarus. I know our Father grieves when we grieve. After my daughter died, at some point, I just couldn't feel God's presence with me. A friend of mine suggested that I ask God for a scripture, somehing I had never asked for before. When I did that that night in bed, He told me to get up and read I Corinthians 1:9. I told Him I didn't know what the verse said, so he told me once again, "Get up and read it." When I did, the last three words are "God is faithful." Those were the exact words I needed to hear. I now realize that my daughter and mother are both in the Lord's presence, which give me great comfort. God was right there with me through all of what happened. Please don't misunderstand. I still have moments when I want to scream at the top of my lungs because I miss them so much. What once seemed a cliche to me, "You'll see her again," now is my hope. You loved your mom. Why would you not grieve her and be lost without her? My doctor told me it would take me two full years to feel like I was in the world again, and he was right. I've found that i can now sympathize with others who have had losses, too. One thing you need to remember is that no two losses are the same because no two relationships are the same. You will find your way, David, because you do have God to lean upon. His ways are simply not our ways, but He is our Lord. I also find it easier to deal with their deaths if I start praising God when I feel so lost here on this earth. When I do that, I can see both my mom and my daughter, arm-in-arm, surrounded by light, broadly smiling in God's presence. May God Bless and Keep you. BTW, I, too, am Sothern Baptist. Your sister in Christ, Pat
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Thanks for the supportive words and suggestions. I've been giving him time and letting him have time to himself in the evenings. He had a very loving relationship with his mother and father but now both of his parents are deceased - it is a shock. He kinda hides out in our bedroom reading newspapers, trade magazines, and watching sports and news after the kids go to bed. He eats breakfast by himself with the newspaper and news on TV. As soon as the kids and I come down for breakfast, he goes upstairs to get dressed by himself. He's managed to schedule a lot of his time to be by himself. On the weekend, he sleeps a lot. Other times he gets charged up by rough housing with the kids. Last weekend, one of my daughters needed help finding something my DH put away. I asked her why Daddy couldn't help her find it if he put it away, and she said, "Is it because Daddy lays around and sleeps a lot?" They say the darndest things. Don't worry, I've never stressed out over housework. I'm more concerned about DHs angry outbursts and extreme withdrawal. Yes, I'm picking up the slack of trying to take care of all the busy needs the kids have in the morning, evening, and weekends but that's not as concerning as the other issues. Our house has already been "let go" as far as cleaning. I'm just trying to do the basics to keep us clean, clothed, fed, and delivered to work and school! I'm sure this will all take time. Holidays will be here soon and that will be tough. Thanks again, I'll just watch and wait it out. Karen
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Having just lost my mother, I can totally feel for her. Thanksgiving is hard for me anyway, with no family around. I purposely went on a fast this year right before so I didn't have to participate. T'day without my mom would be unbearable.
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Zyperiris
15 years ago
I lost my Mom 4 years ago. I still cry a few times every month. Several years ago I asked her if she still thought about her Mother, My Grandma..she said "oh honey, I think about her everyday". I remember thinking how extraordinary that was. Now I get it.

I have to share this poignant moment I had. I had returned home from my Mom's funeral in another state. My hubby and I took care of his mother, who was wheelchair bound. She had her sister and cousin over. I was sharing what it was like to lose my Mother. Aunt Wanda, who was 80 started crying. I felt so bad that I made this old woman cry. Then she said "I was crying, because I was remembering MY MOTHER crying at Christmas time, because she missed HER MOTHER". I said "Let me get this straight, you are crying over your mother who was crying over her mother"? LOL. Ya know how you laugh and cry at the same time? I never had a moment in life like that..We women stared at each other. The bond women share, mothers..love..life..it is so special. I now know how very important I am to MY DAUGHTER and only child. The memories I make with her will comfort her when I am gone. Still, I cry. She is expecting her first and most likely only child a boy. I am so sad my Mom didn't get to see him. But life goes on..and as bad as I miss Mom, a new grandchild is coming and a new chapter in my life.

Do you honestly think your brother gets how you feel? NO..most guys don't. So honey, you just grieve for your Mom as long as you need to. It is a testimony to the love you had for her. It will subside..but the deep longing for her will not go away. At least mine hasn't. But life is still full of joy. Take Care..

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