Dear Friends, Bless you all for your kind and loving words and prayers. We are just doing o.k....trying to take it one day at a time. Sunday was a hard day...one week...and yesterday was a really bad day for me. We got together at my nieces house...like we do every year...we all missed Mom so much. Dad is trying but he is so sad and at times the tears flow. I try to be with him and then try to let him have his time....he told me that being by himself is something he has to do and the Lord will see him thur. We are going this week to look at a headstone....we have gotten so many beautiful cards from friends and family...my boss at the florist shop gave me a beautiful small handpainted trunk to put cards and memories from Mom's funeral in....my daughter will try to help me put Mom's picture on here for you all to see...she was a beautiful lady. At times I have such a hard time going down those stairs....I want my Mom to be there!!! I know many of you understand. Again bless you all for being here for me....keep my sweet Dad in your prayers. Love, Nora

That first year is a real landmark. During the first year, everything is a "first." First time to go in store you and Mom liked, first holidays without her, your first birthday without her, etc. It's a year of healing, transition, and change. From now on there are no more firsts. There is a sadness about it because we are distancing ourselves further and further from our memories of our mothers when they were with us. You have wonderful memories of your mom, and your new DH is very sweet to join in, even though he didn't know her. I often wish I could tell my mother all that is going on, all that she has missed, all the gossip. She has been gone 3 years now. Mary Ellen--what a beautiful name. Take care. Happy Mothers' Day, Mom!

Hi Deb_PA, i am guessing it is just Deb but I am unfamiliar with the protocol for responding to a post. Thank you for sharing your story, though I am sorry you have a story to share. I think this space/place, whatever, is a place to exhale; where its okay to talk about the loved one that has passed, without feeling as though people are thinking "she is still talking about it; its been x number of months/years". I relate to your letter/words/emotions about your daughter-in-law, and can imagine how completely blindsided you were given that the cancer re-appeared so aggressively and without restraint. As you were describing the talents/skills you shared with and imparted to her, I couldn't help but smile at the "tried to teach her to sew", as it seemed that whether the effort was met with success or failure, it was a shared experience that had residual endearing memories as a consolation prize. In so far as how we all cope with losing mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children and at what age everyone was when it happens, I think there is no rhyme or reason to grieving. I lost my own father when I was 8 and was bewildered, I resumed the day to day activities of school, sports, friends and life. It was when I was growing up that I desperately ached to know him more, to have his guidance, to know what he would think of me, and at different life points, (usually low moments) that I would find myself feeling as lost as the 8 year old without a father. I say this because your teenage grandchildren are all dealing with it in their own way, which may run the gammet from over-engagement with their friends vs. the remaining parent to not wanting to talk about the parent they have lost. One thing that maybe helpful while the memories are still so fresh is writing down memories about what your daughter-in-law Michelle was like - her values, hopes, dreams, experiences - things that she may not have shared with her children, but that they will very much appreciate at sometime later in their life. I feel badly for you as I can sort of understand how strange it must be for you, people not asking how you are, as though they didn't understand she was as dear as a daughter to you. My mum is having a hard time as well but for different reasons. In an effort to comfort my sister-in-laws parents and the children, I don't think he understands the depth of our own mum's sorrow for her daughter-in-law. For me, it has now been three months and I still want to talk about my friend/sister-in-law to people, not unlike the way I might talk about another sibling that lives out of state and doesn't get home often, but people look at me like "oh she's still not over it". I think that is why I am so grateful that you wrote, as I know that someone else "listened" to how wonderful she is and is in a similar place. It is a comforting thing to identify with someone else going through a similar situation, but again am really sorry you have to go through it at all.

You are not an idiot and any feeling you have, you are entitled to have. However, if the feelings are destructive and there is no solution, then you shouldn't hang on to them any longer than you have to. I know it's hard but try to remember that you can't change your mother's husband or what happened. You can only change how you deal with it and by letting it eat you up, you are giving him a level of power over your emotions and life that he doesn't deserve. Focus instead on your mother's life and your interaction with her. I'm sure she knew you loved her and was proud of you. Although it's not easy to face, it's not uncommon for spouses of very ill people to develop other relationships, especially if the illness lasted for years. I'm not making excuses for him and his actions since your mother's death are tacky. But you can hope that while she was alive he treated her well and made sure she was cared for properly. You say he was a louse and she didn't see it but you also said you are just now finding out some of the details of his affair. Maybe he wasn't a louse to your mother. Her things don't matter and his actions don't matter. All that matters are your memories of your mother. Remember what she taught you and how she made you feel. Know that she would want you to be happy and to have a great relationship with your husband. She would want you to feel peace. You'll always miss her, but I don't think any mother would want her daughter to feel such turmoil 2 years after her passing. You are a good daughter for caring so much. If you can't let it go, then try to figure out how you think it should be resolved. What could he give you of your mothers that would make you feel more closure? What could he say or do? If you can figure it out, then it's worth a try to tell him and explain your issues. If there's nothing he could do to change it then you have to figure out what you need to do to move on.