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New beginnings and great loss

Posted by redbella (My Page) on
Mon, Sep 8, 08 at 0:25

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, I am just feeling like reaching out and this seemed to be a good environment for that. July 3rd I had my first baby, she is wonderful and amazing and perfect. July 11th my family was in an auto accident killing my stepdad and injuring my husband and mother in law. August 5th my husband passed away unexpectedly and I still don't know why. I think it was b/c of the accident.
I am getting to a place where I need to learn how to go on.
I am all of a sudden a single parent, a widow and I was just getting used to the role of motherhood.
I think anything would help at this point.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: New beginnings and great loss

redbella,

No one should have to go through all that you have. The birth of a baby is so wonderful, and then to have the tragic accident so soon after, and then to have your husband die, is unbelievably horrible.

You must be grieving in a thousand different ways. I hope you have someone close to you that can listen to you, help you. It's a good thing you've found this site, folks here are very kind.

I'm so sorry for all your losses,

Kate


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RE: New beginnings and great loss

oh gods - your poor family(s)!

honestly? there's only so much you can do...and one of the smartest, and hardest things? is to let other people help. Mom actually wrote out the whole, overwhelming list of things that needed doing (from daily chores to selling the cars and winterizing the pool) and any time one of my friends (who had all couch-surfed at my folk's place at one time or another) came by asking what they could do - she handed them the bowl, and said 'pick something.

after about 6 months, she was ready to take a more active hand in things...but she could take it one step at a time, we were there holding things together a bit.

there is no comfort, the best we can offer you is company...

cry. kick pillow, break dishes (cheap ugly ones from yard sales, not the set you got as a wedding present, eh?) do whatever helps you mourn...I'm lucky enough to come from a tradtion where mourning starts with a week where you're not expected to feed yourself (or to be trusted around a hot stove or kitchen knives) or look yourself in the face...and the full process takes a solid year for a reason.

why go on? because you can - and you have to be your husband's eyes and hands here, for your daughter.

I can't even say it gets easier...I'm still a little bemused to find myself in tears over stuff that seems to make no sense (to anyone but him and me) maybe it's more accurate to say that we get more comfortable with living with the missing parts.

hang in there...


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RE: New beginnings and great loss

If I wasn't breastfeeding I wouldn't have eaten anything, I can't stop being b/c of my daughter. I have however only cooked three or so times for myself and only once would I consider it a meal. That time when I did first cook I found myself thinking " I wonder if Mike wants any" and I cried. I suspect there will be many moments like that.
My mom left a note on the back of my door giving directions to friends or family that are around since she lives in another state. I think I had to move quicker into doing things b/c of my girl. I'm figuring out how to grieve and remain emotionally available for my daughter. It's not always easy. I did pick up smoking again which I'm on the fence about, I feel like I deserve a vice and I also feel guilty about inhaling toxins. I'm just trying to find my way and create a positive place for my girl to grow all w/out my best friend.
A friend told me that there will come a day when I light up again, I aim for that day. I want my girl to see mommy at her shiniest so she knows she can be shiny too.
I don't think I really know what I'm doing, but I'm trying.
I have to move from here next month, my lease is up. I'm going to move into a place in my grandparents back yard, I'll be near family and the rent's cheap. Parts of me don't want to leave our apartment even though I know he's not here.


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RE: New beginnings and great loss

There is no understanding life's ironies. The joy of your baby girl and your tragic loss of your Mike.

It's hard to enjoy the ups when the downs can put you in the gutter. Right now you are numb and just going through the motions day to day.

Think "what if I didn't have my daughter"? As bad as it is now, she is your greatest comfort. You will see your husband's eyes, nose, mouth in her face-you have a part of him in her.

Smoking will only make it worse for you and your daughter. She needs you healthy and she needs to keep her lungs healthy, too. You are stronger than you think.

Linda


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RE: New beginnings and great loss

My daughter does look like Mike , this perfect little replica of the both of us and she is perfect. If I didn't have her I'm not sure if I'd have the strength to get up, I would have the strength but no reason to express it really.
The only time I feel happiness is when she smiles at me or we're making silly faces at eachother. I do feel blessed to have her.

and then I feel cheated that Mike is gone, he was only 33, we had gone through 3 miscarriages before our daughter. I don't understand why my life has been filled with quite so much loss but then I think why not, I'm not so different from any other person. Does everyone go through this much pain? Why do we have to have pain? I can understand the need for physical pain so we don't hurt ourselves over and over again but what does emotional pain teach us? It doesn't teach me not to love again, what do we learn from it? Why is it necessary?

a note about the smoking, I never ever do it around her or within 20 feet of her and I compulsively wash my hands and it's not more than 4 ciggs a day....and I know this is all meaningless justification so I really should just stop anyways, there's no real way to justify slowly tarring your lungs. It's ridiculous really.


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