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Looking for someone to talk to

Posted by Brycesmommy (My Page) on
Wed, Aug 18, 04 at 22:54

Hi. I'm new to this site. I'm sure like the rest of you I wish I wasn't here for the reason I am. 2 months ago my little boy passed away just before his 4th birthday. I don't know how I can ever get through this. Sometimes it's a struggle just to get out of bed. The only thing that keeps me going at all is my husband but some days we both can't handle this loss. Other days we are able to balance each other out if that makes sense. I'll be having a bad time and he'll help me through or he's having a moment and I'm there for him. This grief is so unbearable though I wish everyday I wake up and find this was all just a nightmare. But of course I'm let down every morning when I look into his bedroom and he's not there. If anyone here as any advice for us on how you get through this please help. I feel like my life has ended.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Looking for someone to talk to

Bless your heart. I'm so sorry. I understand about the feeling that your life has ended. Life as you knew it before HAS ended, but you will go on and in time it will be a little different than it is right now. There are many of us here who lost children. We do care about you and your husband.

We'd like to hear about Bryce -- about Bryce the baby, Bryce the young man, Bryce who made you laugh and made you proud.
The memory of him is precious. Treasure it and share it.

Nell


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RE: Looking for someone to talk to

I am glad to have found a place where I can share my feelings and thoughts about him. Sometimes I get the impression from people around me that they are awkward about talking about him to me. I want to be able to talk about him. But people don't understand that and think if they mention his name I'm going to get upset. If I get upset and break down it's not because they said something wrong. I'm thinking about him regardless...So to tell you a little bit about our pride and joy...Bryce was a very special boy to anyone who knew him...He was always smiling and loved everyone. HE was already becoming very athletic and played soccer and was looking forward to learning to skate and play hockey in the winter. He also loved and was a very good at swimming. Starting school this year was also something he was looking forward to very much. It makes me cry thinking of how fast my baby was growing up and how i couldn't believe it was going to be his first day of school soon. Now I won't see any of that and the thought devastates me. I will tell more about him and if i can figure this out i will put a picture up of him. If anyone has any advice we really need it...thanks so much


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RE: Looking for someone to talk to

Bryce was certainly special. I know you feel privileged to have had him and shared him with those who knew and loved him. I wish I had some answers and advice for you. There are no pat answers and there is no formula for getting through this. We just support each other and keep going. Have you thought of a support group? Compassionate Friends or a local support group. Frequently support groups are noticed in the newspaper and all are welcome at groups sponsored by hospitals or hospices.

Sometimes it's a while before others check this board and reply. In the meantime, I hope you'll read some of the posts here, especially from Alisande, Lulie, terrizx, cathy11 and merry126. There are others who also have lost children, but those come readily to mind. Tggrsmommy lost her young daughter recently and she has shared some of her feelings here.

Sometimes in the early days, it's all you can do to just get up and get dressed. One task at a time, one step at a time. Do what you can. It's wonderful that you and your husband support one another. I understand about taking turns being the supportive one. Our lives are changed, forever, but we still have each other.

It took me a year to be ready to share my child with others, by making a web site. It was busy work to get me through the first anniversary. If you'd like to look:

Here is a link that might be useful: Monkeyman G


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RE: Looking for someone to talk to

I can't imagine your pain. I will pray for you and your husband. Your son sounds like we was wonderful. May you find peace for your souls.


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RE: Looking for someone to talk to

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your son. I too, have lost a child. Although Christin was 19, she was still my baby, my only daughter, my best friend. I miss her terribly and always will.
Yes, as sad as it is, your life has ended as it was before. You and your husband will feel that each moment to survive is a major feat. I know. I remember.
I literally forgot to eat for months after Christin left. I was in a tunnel with only thoughts of Christin for many, many, months. She was always on the forefront of my mind. Nothing else mattered. After 6 years, I still think of her every single day, but I can finally, after 6 years, say that the pain is tolerable and not as intense.
It is imperative that your husband and you continue to talk together, cry together, laugh together, and share your deepest feelings throughout this grieving process and from now on. Many parents don't, and they end up splitting up if they distance themselves from each other. Especially if there are other problems in the marriage.
If you are a Christian, the most important piece of advice that I can give you is to keep your faith. Hold on to it like a life raft, because that is what it truly is to you now. You will sink into a great big abyss of sadness, depression and hopelessness if you don't embrace your faith.
If you have faith, remember that you will see your precious son again. You will. Our time is nothing compared to eternity. We will see them again in the blink of an eye compared to eternity. We have to continue to live our lives out as planned for us. Make the most of our days and make our children continue to be proud of us as their parents. Their spirits live on in us. We are part of them and they are part of us.
Do what you need to do as far as grief. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it by now, you should get rid of their stuff, this and that is not healthy, whatever. You control your grief. You control your time frame of grief, what you do, and how you do it. Your husband's and yours may be different, but that's okay. Just be respectful of each other's uniqueness.
Please, please email me or write any time on the forum when you need to. Even if you just want to write your feelings and don't expect a response. Writing can be very therapeutic.
Blessings to you. Again, I am so very sorry.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site


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RE: Looking for someone to talk to

Thank you Lulie...Every word you said means alot.

I know I couldn't get through this without my husband...I know everyone has a purpose on earth and we truly believe that Bryce's purpose was not only to allow us to feel unconditional love but to love each other more...We were separated for about a year and a half but were still in each others lives because of our son. Then something happened that made us want to be together again...I think we just gave each other the chance to grow up a bit more since we were so young when he was born and when we got married... We never saw Bryce so happy as he was when his mom and dad were together in the same house. I just wish he could still be here to share this with us. We have definitely got alot closer because no one else around us understands the pain we are feeling so we only have each other for comfort. We also learned within the last month to give each other space. He has started going back to work just to keep his mind occupied...but i'm not ready for work.

We also have developed a closer relationship with God. I have felt many times that Bryce has been here with us so just feeling that in my heart has gave me some comfort knowing i will be with him again one day. But sometimes just not having him with me physically to hold and kiss is unbearable. Just feeling his presence isn't enough.

I haven't even thought of getting rid of his stuff or even rearranging his room or anything...It's exactly the way he left it...it's almost like a shrine for me...I will sit on his bed and just pray or just sit there and cry.

Thank you for the advice..I need anything that will get me through the day.


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RE: Looking for someone to talk to

I still haven't done anything with Christin's room, yet. We still have the trash she threw in her trash basket. How's that for saving stuff?
Lu


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Wow that makes me feel better about not touching anything of his. I think if we ever decided to do anything with his bed and stuff like that I would want to give it away to a needy family with a little boy. I know Bryce would be happy to do that for someone. But we haven't even discussed it..It's the furthest thing from my mind right now..I'm just happy having his things close to me. Thanks for being here to let me spill my thoughts. It's already helped me.


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RE: Looking for someone to talk to

(((Brycesmommy))) THough I've not experienced your kind of loss, I have (or am) going through it with a friend. We talk about Matthew often, and I always hope it helps her that I don't forget him. Sometimes I'll tell her something (It's been 3 1/2 years) that she didn't know and I think it helps her to find those things out. Just Tuesday night I was telling her that when they announced his accident and death at school (He was 15), my son's teacher broke down crying and had to leave the room. Matthew was going through a rebellous time and was a trying student. It made my friend feel good to know a teacher was affected by his life in a way that she would miss him (rather than how many seemed to feel about him at the time).

I'm glad you and your husband have each other to hold onto in this time. What I found with my mom's recent death the answer to "how are you doing", isn't ok, but more that there do become more momemts that are better than they are bad.

Vickey-MN


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Another tip that I can give to you in case you haven't seen my other posts. Before you get rid of anything, take a picture of it first. That way, it is easier to get rid of and you can keep the memory.
Lu


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You also have my prayers. I have not lost a child in death, but I lost my DH of 45 years and my two daughters are not handling it very well, and I lost them, too. Have not been to visit in the 7 mo. I found this site and I think God put Lu here to help. She always seems to say the correct things, and is always there to share. God bless her and her lose and bless you. God will give you the strength you need. I will not say "I know how you feel"l, because I don't, but Lu and others do. So listen to them.
Nan
ASAP
Always
Say
A Prayer


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since the loss of our daughter almost 3 years ago....we get the same reaction from alot of people when we talk about her....people who have not experienced a loss such as all of ours sometimes think that if you dont talk about it it will go away...find someone who will let you share your memories...you are so lucky to have a husband who is willing to share his grief so soon after your sons death...mine is just now starting to share his and our son is turning his feelings so inward that he is on alot of medication...my daughters 6 year old is so outspoken about his mommys death that he sometimes comforts me when i cry....he tells me we will all be together someday and she is watching everything we do we always give her a group hug too....i know that i will talk about her everyday til the day i see her again...it may be helpful to you to check out the posts on memorializing your precious son...like sending him balloons on special days and making a video of pictures or vidoes of him to music...my sister in law deb put two beautiful ones together for us and they are the most loving things anyone has done since jamies death....my husband and her son kole just watched one of them the other nite and it brought out so many emotions that they were feeling but it was so good for all of us.....my son ricky wont watch yet he isnt ready...i agree tha lu was put here by GOD to help all of us...even tho she has experienced 2 losses herself...she is truley an angel.....i do hope you can show us a picture of bryce...he sounds wonderful!!!!open yourself to signs from him because he will show you that he is right by your side....GOD BLESS YOU


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Nan, I was going to email you personally as I did Terri to thank you both for saying what you have about me being sent here from God to help others. I found that you didn't have a visible email address.
That is so sweet of you to say that and I truly hope that that is the case. As I told Terri, I don't believe that God makes bad things happen in our lives, but He does make good things happen from bad. I'm hoping that from Christin's and my mom's death, that I can make something good come from it and if I can help just one person along my journey of grief, which will last my lifetime, then good will transpire from my loss and my existence will have benefitted others.
Anyway, thank you both again for the very kind words for me. It helps to keep me going to know that I am making a difference for the better.
Lu


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RE: Looking for someone to talk to

Hi sweety. I am in the grip of a wave of grief right now for my little brother, but reading your post I just wanted to let you know I am sorry. I already feel immense love for my future son, though I don't plan to bring him into existence for a few more years. I can only imagine your pain, as I have seen it mirrored on my own mother's face, twice. I am praying for you.

May I ask - what happened to Bryce?


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CariJo, I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. I am close to my brothers so it would devastate me as well to lose any of them. I'm sure you would be a great mother when you decide to have children of your own. The bond is incredible.

Bryce was a great swimmer (took after his mom) but tried to go too far at a lake. His little arms weren't strong enough. I wasn't there and that's hard because I have it in my head that if i was maybe i could have saved him. I was lucky though to be able to hold him and say goodbye in the hospital before he died.


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Oh my .. ((( Bryc's Mommy )))

I'm sorry.. how tragic to lose your son to an accident like that. I am so glad you were able to hold him in your arms before he passed. Most people who have loved ones pass don't all get a chance at that last goodbye. I know how devastated you were from reading and emailing you.. I share the grief with you.. and those that are above on this thread.

I keep trying to grieve and find myself telling even strangers about my loss.. only in short version... it's hard not to. I feel like I'm wearing it around my neck like I would my heart. We all want others to know how special they were... I know Bryce was special. Oh, how I know your heart aches. Praying for peace in your heart as I am for everyone and myself.

so heartbreaking.. and to those who can't pull themselves to change their childs rooms or empty them. I understand that too. Don't let anyone make you change things if you are not ready. The photo is good idea. I never thought of that. Maybe some day. maybe never. But, grieve.. it helps...


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RE: Looking for someone to talk to

Dear Bryce's Mommy, and you will ALWAYS be briyce's Mommy and Daddy. My heart goes out to you...I'll say my prayers, yet know thay do not change a thing.

I'm so very happy you and your hubby are getting through this together. It is rare and to be cherished.

Your friends do not know what to say and are uncomforable.
It is hard to find people who understand. they will come from the oddest places.

Don't make big decisions. Don't do anything stupid.
Be careful when you drive.

I am the child that came after the child that drown.
My parents were never "the same" (like they were suposed to be ...HA)
My life was affected by his life. This is a reality, and nothing to be ashamed or mad about. (I do wish they had spoken more about him, let him enter our lives more.)

Opps, have to go...AM


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