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Grieving on my own...

Posted by alohalani (My Page) on
Tue, Aug 15, 06 at 20:31

It has been about 6 weeks since my brother passed away. At first, my support system was outstanding. Cards, calls, meals, etc. from my friends.

My husband was very understanding for the first month. A couple weeks ago, as he was trying to get me "cheered up" he made a comment that really hurt. He told me "not to forget about my brother," but I really needed to get on with my life.
I thought about how insensitive he was being & then remembered that he has NOT lost anyone close to him, so there was no way he could ever know what I was really going through.

Since then, he really hasn't commented much nor has he asked how I've feeling. No hugs to let me know he understands...He has gone on with life, but I have not. I have litterally cried every day.

Not only am I broken hearted, but I have been worried about my mom & trying to spend a lot of time with her. Since he passed without a will, I am the one tending to his legal affairs. I have so much on my plate.

I know it will take a very long time.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Grieving on my own...

Sorry you are going thru this. Look in the paper, phone book, ask at medical center, YMCA, etc for a grieve support group that meets weekly/monthly. Sorry to say, people have a tendency to forget fast and want to get on with their lives and expect another person to do the same. That is why a group is so good.

RE: Grieving on my own...

You must miss your brother terribly. You are kind to try to spend more time with your mother. I'm sure she appreciates it as she is hurting also.

I understand how your husband hurt you, and he probably has no idea of how much his remarks hurt. He also has no idea of what a crushing loss this has been for you. So, it may be helpful to find a group such as Mariend suggested or talk with friends, and your mom too. Seek comfort in your sorrow in places other than your husband. Talking and sharing feelings is good.

I am sorry for your loss.

RE: Grieving on my own...

Thanks for the advice. I did contact our local Hospice & they did have counseling services available. Including sessions for people who has lost someone to a sudden & unexpected death.

This is one of the most difficult & heart breaking events of my life. I know dying is a fact of life, but thought it would be a long while before I had to go through this.

I am only 41 years old & it has made me open my eyes about how short life can be. It can be cruel & unfair. I feel like I have aged 10 years this month. Both emotionally & physically.

We have to make sure we appreciate everyone we love.

I wish I had been closer to my brother. We always had a mutual understanding that we knew we loved each other & he was there for ANYTHING we ever needed. I took him for granted. There were times when I didn't make time for him because I was too busy & that really kills me.

I have finally gotten to know some of his best friends & find comfort in hearing of all the great times he had with them, & it makes me miss him so much.

I know people grieve in different ways, odd as it may sound, I feel better when I visit him at his gravesite. I can go & really talk to him there.


RE: Grieving on my own...

Oh Mary, I feel your pain. My little sister (11mos younger) died at the age of 38, suddenly,in her sleep. She will be gone now 2 years next week (25th of Aug) I too am now 41. She was my only sibling. The shock, grief, anger, guilt, and depression are all part of the package. 2 years later and I still feel all those things at times. I too had to grieve on my own. (and still do) My husband is the same way, although he has never said it, Im sure he feels I should be over it by now. The hardest part is my Mom. Knowing my mother is heartbroken tears me apart. I too had to plan my sisters funeral, obituary, plot, etc. No picnic. I still cant stand my sisters husband but I have to be nice because he now has my neices. All of this can make you sick if you dont take care of yourself. I read alot of books on grief and alcoholism. (She died of alcoholic ketoacidosis) its a metabolic disorder in an alcoholic that bindges. You will learn to let go of the so called friends that were there in the begining but vanish because you want to talk about your brother all the time. Its part of the healing process. Dont get me wrong, you will never forget your brother and "heal" as they say, you will just learn to live with your life being different. Its not odd that you feel better visiting his grave. In the first year I was at my sisters grave almost every day. I make it look pretty on all the holidays, and all the seasons. She is still my little sister and I still want to take care of her. Nothing you do or say is odd. He is your brother. Unless they have been through it, people might not understand. I talk to my sister all the time. I promise you, whether sooner or later, the day will come when he is not the very first thing you think of in the morning. You will start to remember all the great things about you and your brother, stupid fights, goofy things you did as kids, goofy things you did as adults. Its still fresh and new. Someday you will laugh again, smile again and see the earth as being a good place to be again. Some days are better than others. Please remember this, although it may not seem so now because I felt and sometimes still feel I could have been a better sister for the same reasons as you. YOU ARE A GOOD SISTER OR YOU WOULD NOT FEEL THE WAY YOU DO!!! If you would like to email me and talk please feel free to do so, it really helps to talk to someone that understands. My email address is Much love and sorry this was so long. Veronica

RE: Grieving on my own...

Thank you Veronica for sharing about your sister. I will email you soon.

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