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alohalani_gw

My brother died unexpectedly at age 48...

alohalani
17 years ago

My big brother, Manuel, died of a massive heart attack on July 3rd. Though he had a bit of high cholest. & some HBsugar, there was no indidcation of how bad his heart was. I have to keep reminding myself what a blessing it was that he went quickly without suffering. I was on vacation with my family when it happened & came home as quickly as possible. He was kept on life support until I got home, so I was able to spend about an hour with him before he passed. (We did not have to make the decision about removing life support, his BP just plumeted & he went on his own.) I have been told that he waited for me.

It has left us all devastated & broken hearted. We thought he would be around forever. He had ALWAYS been there for us. Anything we needed, his whole life. He was a father figure to me & another brother, Richard.

The worse part is seeing how much pain it has brought our mom. The pain is un-bearable at times, tears come everyday. Some days have been better than others.

He was married(12 years)without kids. The marriage had always had difficulties. We are trying to be supportive of our SIL, but most of the time, we keep our anger to ourselves. There were little signs about his health that went un-noticed by her. I think had she been a little more attentive, he could still be with us today. We have met with his MD to ask how something like this could go without notice. He could not give us a definate answer. (My brother had been under regular drs. care.) Why?? Why?? Why??

I know God had other plans for him.

I have gone through all the emotions...denial, grief, anger, guilt. I was probably not the best sister to him & I wish I could turn time backwards to do things differently. I wish I had spent more time with him...wish I told him how much I appreciated everything he did for us. I told him these things the last night at the hospital. I hope he heard me. Someone told me that one of the last senses to go is hearing...has anyone else heard of that?

We have never gone through such a loss. Life can be so unfair. He was such a great guy, always willing to help. Why him?? We miss him SO much.

My own life has been on hold since this happened. (I am married with 2 teenage girls.) Because of the language barrier, I had to help my mom & SIL with ALL the arrangements & with everything else afterwards. (He did not have a will & so dealing with the probate issues have really taken from me mentally & emotionally.) I find myself wondering, "How can a person's life be reduced to a pile of papers??" Life can be so cruel. There has to be more to life than this....

I have been "looking after" my mom since this happened. I am so worried about her health & emotional state of mind. I know the worse pain is loosing a child. I hope she never has to go through anything like this again. She has decided to return to work today. I think it will be good for her to be distracted.

This all feels like a horrible nightmare that I wish we could wake up from. The reality is unbearable right now....

Thanks for listening....

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