skip to main content

My daughter passed away June 9th

10 years ago

Hi Everyone,

My beautiful daughter, Lauren, age 27 passed away June 9th. I am searching for others who have lost children and can tell me how you managed to get through the pain. It hurts so much. God bless all of you and thanks for your help.

Love,
-Pam

Comments (16)

summerblue
10 years ago
Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I just wanted you to know I read your post. I know it is hard. Please try and take care of yourself. Try to sleep, and to eat. Take one day at a time. I hope you have someone you can talk with. Sending my thoughts and prayers to you.
cate52
10 years ago
While I can't imagine what you are truely going through, plase know that there are people out there to help. Ask at your church, your local mental health association... And know that people do care about your loss.
Related Discussions
My dad passed away suddenly
Q
Comments (29)
I'm so sorry. I won't say i know your pain, because i don't, but i have also lost my father suddenly. two weeks ago today i found him in his truck. The medical examiner said it was a massive heart attack. I never and i don't think he knew either that anything was wrong. I love my dad so much! He was the greatest dad ever. He taught me how to fish, hunt, play golf, and anything else i wanted to learn. When i grew up (i'm 34), he was still my favority fishing buddy and golf partner. I can't tell you all the good my dad did for our community. I was so proud of who my dad was, and would brag about him to my friends all the time. he was a great man. Now i can't even think of fishing again, or playing golf. I know he would tell me to go and have fun, but i don't want to. I just want my dad back. I feel cheated. I should have been there, my dad should have never been alone when he went. It probably wouldn't have mattered, but at least ... i maybe could have comforted him in some way. I hope that he wasn't scared or hurting badly. God, why? the weekend before he left us, we were suppose to go fishing, but it poured down the rain. my question is if God knew he was going to take my dad, why couldn't i have that last trip. i know that's selfish, but that's how i feel. I miss him so much. I still need him. Just the other day i said to myself, "dad would know what to do here" and started to call his cell phone, only to realize that it was on the table beside of me. I love you dad, just want you to come home.
...See More
My Dad passed away
Q
Comments (14)
I don't get to go on the internet too very ofter but am glad I found this sight. I have been trying to remember the good things without waking up the pain. It has been very difficult but I think it has worked a few times. I feel very guilty about not having been there his very last breath and see him there waiting to die. My Dad had an abdominal aortic aneurism. Last August he had a GI bleed. The doctors told him it was a small one but the next one was going to kill him and he didn't have long to live. My Dad wanted to go home and get his affairs ready and I hired someone to come in and help him as he had numerous medications to take and he was getting weaker because of the blood he lost. My Dad and I lived in separate cities and I have 3 smal kids at home. This one particular night I called him and asked him what he was doing and he said, "I just had Mr.? over from the funeral home and I picked out my coffin and arranged the music and the legionaire tribute and so on." I was mortified. My Dad was a strong man, he just wanted to die at home and when that happened he didn't want anything to fall in my hands to arrange. For the next few months I watched him die as he got more and more weak. He hated taking the pills so we decided if he just wanted to take his pain pills just to keep him comfortable that was all he had to take. The first of November I had to go to Toronto on business, I was in a meeting when my phone rang it was my Dad. He told me that he called the ambulance because he was vomiting blood andhe figured his time was up so he said he called to tell me he loved me and that I was his favorite and that he was very proud of me. I told him I was on the next flight out and he said he would try and hold on to see me one more time. I made it home to find him back home and drinking his cup of tea in his favorite chair. You see they did not have a bed for him and sent him home. Dad was on a waiting list to get into Paliative Care at the hospital. Dad was a veteran so it didn't take long once Dad had come to the conclusion that he would get better care there. From mid November to December when he passed away I had rec'd 9 calls that this was it and I better get to the hospital. Each time I would get there he would be sitting up talking or sleeping. The last week I was there Saturday night and we had spent time with Dad in the TV room and he said that my little brother was going to bring in Dad's dog the next day. We had a good visit. Sunday my little brother sat with Dad. Monday my Mom and my sister (no longer married to him and my sister was not his) went to see him and they said he had ate some fried chicken and had a great day up talking and making fun. Monday night I spoke to him on the phone and he said he had a good day and he loved me very much. I wasn't able to go down on Monday as my husband's grandmother had died over the weekend and we went to her funeral. Tuesday morning I got the call, I rushed down to see my Dad looking like death was on it's way. My step Mom had passed away in 2002 and she had the same look before she passed away. When I got to the hospital my 2 brothers had already got there. They said he had been out of it and was not responding to anything. I went in and sat down beside him and cried like a baby while I was holding his hand. He squeezed my hand a a couple tears rolled down his cheek, he knew I was there. I stayed all week in his room until Saturday, it was my daughter's birthday I had to go home I hadn't seen my kids all week. At 2:00am on Sunday I called and asked if my Dad was OK and they said he was the same and I told her to tell him I would be there first thing in the morning and to tell him I loved him. At 5:15am I got the call that my Dad had took his last breath. I hate to hear the phone ring in the middle of the night. I honestly think he waited until I was gone to die because he didn't want me seeing him like that. I now have a very big guilt that I was not there for him but am trying to put that feeling away I was there when he needed me most. He did not die alone though one of the nurses there was the daughter of a real good friend of my Dad's and she was there when he passed away. I went to my Dad's house after the funeral with my brothers and we packed up a lot of my Dad's things. I brought home his PJ's and his robe. After the funeral I felt so helpless, no more travelling to see Dad no more long distance phone calls, no more Dad. I was having a hard time sleeping, each night at 2am I would wake up and could not go back to sleep I was having a hard time breathing when I layed down so I had to get up. 2:00 was the time my Dad's funeral was. I was having anxiety attacks. Christmas Eve I was still having a hard time sleeping it was nearly 2 weeks since he passed away. I was up again at 2 so I got up and went down stairs and cried non stop. The kids got up at 8am it seemed like forever. My girls are so great and if it were not for them I think I would have probably curled up and died. The was a gift underneath the tree from my Dad, he had given it to me in November and I had forgotten all about it. When my youngest daughter found it with my name on it she passed it to me ever so gently as if it were a rare diamond. I always looked forward to opening my Dad's gifts because they were always so off the wall. This year it was a father and daughter figurine, it made me cry and my girls hugged me so hard. Over the years my Dad got me a meat slicer, a vacuum sealer, a set of wind chimes that were so loud that I remember one night going downstairs outside and throwing them on the ground. I loved his gifts because they were gifts that you would never go out and buy yourself. I would give anything to see his old hen scratching on a gift or card. The year I turned 40 and I didn't receive any flowers from my Dad the first in I don't know how many years. Anyways Christmas night I landed in the hospital the doctors gave me all the usual tests and couldn't find a reason for my shortness of breath and my chest pains. She asked me if I had a family history of heart problems and that is when I broke down in tears and could not stop crying she didn't know what to think until I told her about my Dad. She said that grief can do a lot of weird things to your body and mind. She told me nothing was physically wrong with me and gave me some anti depressants. I did not take them when I found out there was nothing physically wrong with me. That night I slept past 2am I awoke at 4:30am I was so excited that I broke the pattern. I suppose I have said enough tonight, thanksd for all your words of wisdom and thanks for letting me ramble. Take care to all and God bless.
...See More
My Mother passed away recently. The pain is worse than I expected
Q
Comments (13)
I haven't lost either of my parents yet, but the time is coming and seems to be advancing faster and faster. My father has had several close calls with death since November of last year and my mother's health is going downhill rapidly. Both have different health issues but the one thing they have in common is that we lost my sister to cancer this February at the age of 47, and then lost my son suddenly July 18 at the age of 30. My son lived with them and helped me take care of them. I have been their cook, errand runner, doctor visit taker, medicine getter, everything for years. I do not live in the house with them but saw them twice a day everyday until my son passed. I have been trying to heal myself so I can begin taking care of them again. Since my son's death both have been in the hospital for at least a few days each. We've had high points and low points in our lives and relationships but now we are closer than we have ever been. I know it's inevitable that they are going to pass, the question is when and will I be able to handle it? Having gone through the death of my sister who suffered horribly for several months before her death and then when I felt like I was beginning to process her death, my son choked to death. That threw me into a tailspin and I am learning to get through each day, one day at a time. I have learned that everybody grieves differently and at a different pace. If I feel the need to cry, I cry. If I feel that I can't get up and go, I don't. I do try to get some exercise everyday, walking the dogs is a good excuse for me to do it. I find that when I don't excercise I feel worse. Even stretches and yoga are enough to release endorphines to make you feel better. I want my son's pictures and things around me. I wear his sunglasses and have his pillow so I can smell him. My parents have my sister's ashes in their living room and Daddy puts his glasses on the box they are in every night. I do believe that when my parents pass, I will have the tools I need to cope. I will miss them more than anything but it won't be a new experience for me, other than it will be my parents passing instead of my sister and son. I spoke with my doctor and she gave me anti-anxiety meds to try for a month to see if I can get through the day without a breakdown, they seem to help but if they stop working I will consider antidepressants to help me cope. My thoughts are with you all who have lost your parents and I know I will be in your shoes way too soon. I just know that as bad as I will miss them, they are not happy being unable to care for themselves and be independent like they were their entire lives. It has to be hard for them to turn to their children to do all the things they used to do for us, even though we try to give them all the dignity we can. I will soothe myself by knowing they were not happy or healthy in their last few years and they will no longer be in pain or struggling to breathe.
...See More
remember my friend from work who passed away in Jun
Q
Comments (5)
thanks everyone. I'm getting a card to send to her today. I think George (Marg's partner) became close to Marg's family because he wasn't close to his own , except when they wanted money. I'm sure he was closer to Rach since she was always with Marg so I'm sure he's feeling he has lost it all. I remember Marg saying that they had a cake and party for him for his 60th birthday and he cried because no one had ever done such a nice thing for him. I also think he's drinking a lot again and he may have been drunk when he texted Rach. It's all just so sad. Thanks again Diane
...See More
yayagal
10 years ago
Pamela, I wish I was near you and could give you a hug. I understand the pain you're going through and I wonder if you try and focus on what your beautiful daughter would want for you. She only wanted you to enjoy life and be happy but you're grieving now so you can't do that. In time you can. Trust me, it gets better. What I did was take one hour a day and look at photos and hurt and wail at the same time knowing that I would stop after an hour and try to do something constructive like my Pamm would have wanted. Know that your daughter is still with you but in another dimension so continue to dialogue with her in your head. Have a laugh with her now and then. Don't think for a moment that you could have done something so this didn't happen. You couldn't. We all have a journey and some seem shorter than others but that's because we're judging by our shallow human standards. When our time comes, we'll know better. She's safe and that's what matters. You know what I mean. God bless you and lift your burden so that you can clearly see we're all on loan here on earth. Make each day a masterpiece in honoring your daughter. Sending love.
carol_in_california
10 years ago
I am so sorry for your loss.
My youngest son was killed by a falling tree when he was 7.....it has been many years ago but I still remember the intense pain in my soul at the time.
You just have to take each moment as they come......cry when you need to and don't feel guilty if you should happen to smile during this time.
Just know that no matter what people say to try to help you with your loss, just know they are doing the best they can. I can remember a woman telling me she knew exactly how I felt because her kitten died. She had no idea.... but was sharing the only way she knew how.
Don't let anyone rush you with your grief.
I hope you can find friends who will let you talk all you want about your daughter.....and just listen.
I saw a psychologist for a while and it really helped me.
I started a support group for our local Hospice and it helped a lot to be able to hear others and how they dealt with their grief.
One day you will notice the happy memories are coming more often that the sad ones. I know that doesn't help heal up the huge hole in your heart and soul right now but it will happen.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
sandiefl
10 years ago
Pamela, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can only imagine the pain and the loss that you are feeling.I pray that you can find a great support group.Sending healing prayers for you.
mary3444
10 years ago
Pamela, I am very sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter who was 45 in Dec 2011.
All I can say to you is time does heal. Try to think of the good times you had with her. If you need to cry-do it. I hope you have close family that can help you but you yourself have to heal & no one else can do that for you.
It is a hard road as we never think we will outlive our children.
I don't know if you are religious but for us we said she is in a better place & will no longer have to suffer.
socks
10 years ago
Dear Pam, Please accept my heartfelt condolences on this terrible loss. May you find peace and strength from the responses you receive here. You face a difficult time ahead; please seek help everywhere it is offered. My heart aches for you.

Susan
petaloid
10 years ago
I am so sorry to hear this. My stepsister passed suddenly, at a young age.

Even though it was a terrible shock to all of us, we got through it.

You will too, believe me.

My prayers for strength go out to you.
kayjones
10 years ago
Oh, Pamela - I am so sorry for your terrible loss. If you need to talk, we are here to listen.
mamatoad
10 years ago
I'm so sorry for your tragic loss! It will take time to heal and you have to do it in whatever way is right for you. Just know that eventually it will become easier, altho' memories of her will never go away, nor would you want them to! Today is my granddaughter's 32nd birthday and my thoughts have been of her all day. I remember the good times and I can smile at those memories now. She was killed in a car accident when she was eighteen. I will remember you in my prayers as you continue your journey toward healing. (((Pamela)))
drewsmaga
10 years ago
HUGS! And may you find peace soon. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. I have 4 adult children, and I buried 3 little boys who died in infancy. It's been 30-40 years and I still feel the ache in my heart. But I came to place of peace with those losses. Hold on to the wonderful times you had with Lauren and thank God you had her for 27 years. You've been blessed for having her in your life. Celebrate that.
susanjf_gw
10 years ago
27 years seems so short, but lost 2 w/miscarriage and still after 40+ years always wonder...but the joy you had of seeing her from baby to adult can NEVER be taken away...don't close out friends family...ask them if they need to talk..so often everyone says nothing for fear of hurting you...take care...
wanda_va
10 years ago
Pam, my heart goes out to you in the loss of your daughter. I know the pain of losing a child, as I lost my only "child" in May 2006. He was 40 years old. I thank God every day that he left me two terrific grandsons.

I would like to echo yayagal's advice. Set aside some time each day to spend with Lauren--and let the tears flow. Then, spend the rest of the day taking care of yourself to honor her memory and the love you had for each other.

My real salvation was my faith. God carried me through the roughest times. And knowing that I will someday be reunited with my baby keeps me going.

I am here if you need a shoulder. Hugs!
alisande
10 years ago
Pam, I lost my 25-year-old daughter in 2001, and came to GardenWeb and this forum a year-and-a-half later. One of the frequent poster's had lost her daughter six years earlier. I remember being amazed that she had lived without her daughter for six years. For some reason that seemed almost impossible to me. Now here I am, having lived without my Gillian for 12.

The advice you received in this thread is all good. People have different ways of grieving; if someone tells you what you "should" be doing, ignore it. I needed to talk and cry and talk and cry. I was lucky to have friends who were willing to listen. I also saw a therapist friend. A grief counselor is often a good idea.

I didn't join Compassionate Friends, but it might be a good move for you. A friend told me it really helped him get through the worst of it.

I'm not at all religious, but I believe without a doubt that we survive after death in another form. I have been beyond lucky that my daughter has sent many signs to me and others. I hope you will be open to this possibility. And I hope your daughter will visit you in a dream. It is the most comforting of experiences.

One night--I don't know when--you'll get ready for bed and realize you didn't cry that day. You might cry the next day, but it'll gradually happen less often. I still give myself a nudge once in awhile to have a good (wholehearted) cry. It's healthy, and observed that sometimes it relieves physical pain.

It helped me to know that others--many others--have gone through this. It helped to realize that life is neither fair nor unfair; it just is. And it helped to not ask "Why me?" or "What if......?"

As was mentioned above, try to focus on what Lauren would want for you. And then follow it.

Keep us posted.
katlan
10 years ago
Pam, I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope it's o.k. for me to reply to you. I have not lost any children, and I thank God everyday for that.

There is nothing anyone can say or do to take your pain away. Only time will ease your pain. Only time. If it helps you to talk about her day and night on this board, do it. Tell us everything about her if you want to. Cry as long and as hard as you need to. It is a release. And don't let anyone tell you when or how to grieve.

Please, just hang on anyway you can. The pain never stops, but it will ease with time.

I pray you can find peace. God bless Lauren's soul.

This post was edited by katlan on Fri, Aug 2, 13 at 16:23
loveisintheair
10 years ago
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. One of my best friends went through the same thing. My heart goes out to you and your family and we will keep you in our prayers.

After seeing my friend go through the same loss, I tried to do as much research on grieving and what I could do to help her. Eventually, I found a Grief Coach that lost a child as well and now helps other people who are going through the same thing. I will say, that I see a difference in my friend now. It might be something to consider if you are interested.

http://www.Ouch-Its-Grief.com

Here is a link that might be useful: Grief Support

Sign Up to Comment

Related Stories

MONTHLY HOME CHECKLISTS To-Dos: Your June Home Checklist

By Laura Gaskill

Make summer easy by getting your home and outdoor gear in shape now

REGIONAL GARDEN GUIDES Delight in Summer’s Garden Glories — Here’s What to Do in June

By Annie Thornton

Wherever you live in the United States, these guides can help you make the most of your summer garden

MOVING Making a Home Away From Home

By Laura Gaskill

Feeling like a stranger in a strange land? These tips can help ease the transition after a big move

DECORATING GUIDES An Expat’s Guide to Making a Home Away From Home

By Mariana Pickering (Emu Building Science)

How do you stay balanced when each foot is in a different culture? You take a stand where you hang your hat

LIFE How Your Landscaping Can Keep Burglars Away

Prevent home break-ins with strategic landscaping and good practices instead of menacing — and maybe less effective — measures

DECORATING GUIDES Step Away From the Wallpaper: Why Decorating Risks Are Overrated

By Laura Gaskill

Want to find your signature style? Try staying inside your comfort zone

MOST POPULAR Houzz TV: Fred MacMurray’s Enduring Farmhouse Retreat

By Mary Jo Bowling

One of the most beloved actors of the 20th century traded fame for farm implements on this California ranch. His daughter shows us around

TRADITIONAL ARCHITECTURE Houzz Tour: New Warmth for a 17th-Century Scottish Castle

By Cathy Rebecca

A tasteful restoration project introduces modern comforts into a formerly chilly castle without compromising its character

MOST POPULAR So You Say: 30 Design Mistakes You Should Never Make

By Mitchell Parker

Drop the paint can, step away from the brick and read this remodeling advice from people who’ve been there

FEEL-GOOD HOME 9 Smells You Actually Want in Your Home

By Design With Science

Boost memory, enhance sleep, lower anxiety ... these scents do way more than just smell good

Sponsored

EK Interior Design

5 Reviews

TIMELESS INTERIOR DESIGN FOR ENDLESS MEMORIES