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My sister committed suicide

Posted by sophieliza (My Page) on
Wed, Jul 18, 07 at 22:03

I just stumbled into this forum after searching for information related to grief therapy. My 26 year old sister took her life 5 months ago. I know grief is hard to figure out, but I am a mess and I cry all the time. I was doing fine (as fine as one can after losing a loved one, i guess) the first few months, but I feel like I was just hit on the head with a ton of bricks. I miss her so much. I think I'm finally figuring out that she's gone and that there is nothing I can do to bring her back. I know these feelings are normal but it doesn't make it any easier to function. I would be interested in hearing from anyone that is trying to heal from a loved one's suicide. I have a lot of supportive friends and a wonderful husband but I don't want to bring them down into my sadness. I think they would be surprised to find out that I'm having a hard time months later. I'm pretty good at putting on an act of normalcy but I know that I will never be the same person I was. I just want it to get easier.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: My sister committed suicide

Oh Sophie - please accept my deepest sympathies on the loss of your sister. My wife took her own life in April after struggling with depression for 15 years so I have some idea of how you feel.

It's good that you have your husband and friends to help you through this. But, as you are finding, everyone grieves differently and there is no real timetable for you to follow. I haven't been depressesd yet and I haven't felt like the elephant is kneeling on my chest but I have a deep fear it could happen at any time.

I have buried myself in raising my two pre-teen sons and learning all that I don't know regarding clothes shopping, cleaning, and trying to replace all that mom used to do.

I haven't found my grief groups to be very helpful other than to have a source of sympathtic folks. Not to say that isn't important. But, I think a suicide survivor grieves differently than other grievers in some ways so, if you can, find a group specifically oriented to suicides. There isn't one in my area right now. Maybe I should start one if I had the time.

Post here as often as you can. There are some great folks here and I think I can speak for all when I say we'll do all we can to help you out.

My best wishes and prayers are with you.

Doc.


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RE: My sister committed suicide

Sophie,
I lost my husband exactly a month ago. He was deeply depressed for a child abuse that haunted him for almost 50 years. It was a terribly tragedy because I was there when it happened and I couldn't do more. Doc's words helped me a lot as I hope they will help you. I am in therapy and last night I had my first meeting with a suicide survivor's group. They listened to me, like I guess any other new member. They shared their stories that were as sad as mine. Some members have been attending the meetings for years and it is still hard for them to speak about their loved ones. It impressed me to know how a father is still dealing with the death of his 15 year-old daughter who hung herself in her room and how, seven years later, he still lives in the same home with his other children and wife. Last night I understood that I cannot rush; that I will not get better tomorrow and that it will take my whole life to recover. I was afraid I was not going to be able to smile anymore, or to concern about simple things anymore. I am struggling to get back to reality, to concentrate in my readings and to start my writing for my job. I feel guilty of arguing with my husband that morning. I feel guilty for not showing him enough love. But I also understand that his problem preceded me; he came to me with problems that were too old that there wasn't much I could do. Seven years of treatment could not temper his anger or control his depression. There are many things he took with him that I will never fully understand, such as his 13 months in Vietnam in 1967 or 1969. Where did all his anger and impulsive behavior came from? I will never know that. I am conscious that the road to recovery will not be easy. I was embarrased to mention the word suicide at my work, but last weekend I sent an email to my colleagues where I thanked their support and briefly explained that my husband took his life and that I was going through a lot of pain. I am not afraid to say this. I don't want to talk about it, bu I feel my colleagues need to know what I am going through, so when they see me next week they will not overwhelm me with questions.
Please take care of yourself and share with someone you trust your feelings. I look forward to read the posting in this forum. Good luck to you. And Thanks Foc for being so supportive.


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RE: My sister committed suicide

Pucky - I'm so sorry to hear of your loss also. Hopefully, going back to work may not be as hard as you think. I found my workmates to be very helpful and understanding with my situation. I work with a large group of women (only) - I don't think guys would have known quite what to do with me. There may be one of two uncaring folks who talk to you and are only prying for unnessesary information. I tell them flat out - "that was a thoughtless question" or something like that and go no further. In other cases, I've said "she was deathly ill for many years and finally the disease overwhelmed her."
You'll have to say what fits for you but this is what I did/do.

Please try not to feel guilty about any action you did or didn't do for your husband. It wouldn't have made any difference and would have had no effect on him taking his life. The day my wife died, the county coroner spent a long time with me and explained that I had nothing to do with Tam leaving us in this manner. He said she would have done it in some manner, at some time, no matter what any of us did.

It's odd really - my wife was a mental health therapist and we talked avout depression and other disorders for many years. I thought I was some sort of expert after listening to her and living through her suffering all this time. After her death I have a completely different understanding of chronic depression.

All of us will have what I call "pop up moments" where we are feeling pretty good and a smell, or sound, or glimpse of someone will bring us crashing down and we'll get weepy all over again. I've resigned myself to the fact that this will happen the rest of my life although less and less frequently.

My sons' therapist tells me the biggest problem for my boys is they sometimes feel bad about feeling good and laughing again. They are getting better about this - us adults should too.

Due to my poor wife's brain chemistry, she couldn't see any good in the world, her life, or the people around us. But she was as wrong as wrong could be. As proof; my youngest son found his mom down in our bedroom, she had shot herself. He started screaming which brought me into the house and I got him out of the house as fast as possible. I called the EMT squad and stayed with her until they got to our house. When I went outside I found my two boys kneeling in the front yard overcome with grief and distraught. Two women that we don't even know had stopped their cars and run to the boys and were holding them trying to comfort them. I'm sure they didn't know what had happened inside the house but they saw someone in need and tried to help them.

Others will do that for us too.

Doc


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I just found this forum also. My friend commited suicide tuesday and I am just mad at her...I am too having a hard time dealing with this...sTacy


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RE: My sister committed suicide

Thank you Doc and Pucky for sharing your stories with me and please accept my heartfelt condolences. It really does make me feel better to know that I'm not the only one out there feeling this way. My sister suffered her entire life, too, with depression. She struggled every single day with the most basic of tasks. She turned to drugs and alcohol at an early age and fought her addictions up to her very last breath. It is still hard to reconcile the fact that she took her life though. If I knew she was unhappy, why didn't I do more to help her? I know there's no use for this guilty type of thinking, but it's there anyway.

It's natural for survivor's to think this way, and Doc I appreciate reading your thoughts- you help to reinforce the fact that there isn't much anyone else could have done. I know that's true- but I can't get myself to beleive it yet. In time.

Pucky, I think you did the right thing by telling your coworkers that your husband took his life. People seem to be so afraid to talk about suicide- but we, the survivors are left with a loss that is treated so differently than other types of deaths. Good for you for being honest. There are many caring people out there who will understand that you are going through a difficult tragedy.

Stacy, I'm very sorry about your friend. I'm sure you are still in shock about it. Make sure you let your family and friends know how much you are hurting about this- it's important to have support.

Thank you everyone for this opportunity. Writing about it and connecting with all of you makes this a lot more managable.

sophie


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RE: My sister committed suicide

Stacy - I am so very sorry to hear about your friend. You have my deepest sympathies. Please check back in now and again and let us know how you are doing.

As Sophie mentioned, it may help to tell others (us) about your experience - it sure has helped me alot to talk to my friends in real life and to tell my new acquaintances here about it all, especially those that have similar experiences.

Best wishes, Doc


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RE: My sister committed suicide

Hi Richard,

I'm so sorry about your friend. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you to find him the next morning. I know that it's hard to accept the fact that you really couldn't have done anything to prevent Andy from taking his life. It seems so easy when we go over it in our minds, "if only i had done this, or said this, or been this", but a person that doesn't want to live anymore will find a way.

It's ok to miss him as much as you do. It's also ok to be sad and to cry about it. My sister has been gone since February and I still cry for her. Some days I'll be going along not even thinking about her and then it will hit me. Your grief is so fresh right now that it's important to let yourself mourn your friend in the way you need to.

I read a book called No Time to Say Goodbye by Carla Fine right after my sister died. It's a small comfort to hear how other people handle the loss of a loved one when they commit suicide.

Again, I'm very sorry and I also send you best wishes to get through this.

sophie


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Sophie,
My sister also committed suicide in '07. She was 26, as well. I can relate to every single word that you've written...I've struggled with the same in these past 3 1/2 yrs. It would be great to talk about this with someone that understood. Please email me.

luciahoutas@hotmail.com

Best Regards to you and your family,
Lucia


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sophia, Doc, Richard and all how have lost loved ones to su.cide, In 1988 after 23 yrs of marriage (25 altogether) my husband took his own life. I certainly can ralate to all the feelings that you have all expressed. Even though I met and fell in love with another great man 4 years after my Dh's death,I still grieve for him. I go from being so sad and lonely for him to being so mad aty him for leaving me and the kids like he did . It is still extremely hard ehen things are going on with the kids, for example when my Ds who is in the militarty wass deployed to the middle east several times to the marriage, (Did I say divorces) and births of grandkids. When his sister and her husband celebrated their 50th anniversary, I couldn't6 help but feel that he cheated me out of that. I have struggled with the what ifs/ the whys and what could I have done to have stopped it? My mind tells me there was nothing that I could have done differently, but my heart still questiones. Life goes on and the pain doesn't go away but you learn to cope with it. His Dr. told me that he once had a patient on sucide watch in the mental hospital that found a way to comitt this. More later, I have a comittmeeeent I have to go to. Hugs, Janet


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To continue, sorry that I had to finish the post so abruptly, but I had promised my daughter to go somewwhere with her and she got here to pick me up sooner than I had expected. I wish I could be there in person to give you all a hug and share a little of your grief.I truly can empathize with each one of you. I really don't know of any advise, everyone grieves differently. Just be gentle with yourself, and for the people who can ask hurtful things or make insensitive remarks just realize that they are coming from a place that is totally unknown territory to them. I had a very religious fellow insinuate to me that my husband couldn't go to heaven because of sucide. This man had just had a gallbladder surgery and I ask him if he thought gallblader surgery would keep him out of heaven. Of course he said no way! I said "Well the brain is an organ just like the gallbladder and if a sick brain can keep you out of heaven it stands to reason that a sick gallbladder could too. The insensitivity of some people just apalls me; but there are still a lot of good, kind caring people out there who can and will give you the support that you need.I think the one thing that helped me more than anything else, my friend from church got me involved with Hospice as a volunteer. Reaching out to other people who are hurting helps to take the focus off your own pain and you realize that you are not the only person in the world going thrugh rough times. Also the social workers, clergy and grief thurapists with hospice took me under their wing and the help and support I got from them was unparrialed. It is so easy to isolate yourself when you are grieving, but you really need the support of loving, caring people. I think with sucide, it is harder to deal with. Cancer, heart attacks, Stroke, Accidents all have a recoginizable cause, but No one ever really knows why a person decides to end his life. I hope that just knowing that someone recogonizes your pain and cares about what you are going through helps each of you. I will keep you all in my prayers. Hugs, Janet


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My sister committed suicide, it will be 5 years in June, I thought I was over it, but I guess I'm not. She was 13 months younger then I, she was 43. She was suffering from depression but much worse she was suffering from spousal abuse. We had been abused as children, it was something she grew up with, didn't want, but ultimately expected. I mourn her loss everday, but what I mourn more is the childhood we should have had, the laughter, the love, and tenderness we should have shared, and never experienced. Jodi, I hope you are experiencing those great things now and we can share them together soon.


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Hello to all,
It will be a year tomorrow since my sister committed suicide and I am roaming the internet and seeing what resources I can find. I have been looking for help for a year -- as I know that I need to find comfort somewhere. But I have not found much. I am grateful for the book suggestion above; I will go look for it tomorrow. I just want to make connections, and to find other people who are hurting like me. Surviving the death of a loved one is very different than surviving the suicide of a loved one. My Mom died when I was 22, and this was devastating, bun not in the same way. My sister struggled with depression too for many years, and was with a boyfriend who kind of kept her away. There were lifestyle choices there also that were not healthy. I am a mom, I have a family. I tried everything I could but there came a time where I needed her to get professional help, and she would not. There are many "I wish" moments in a day for me. I wish I had been tougher, or stronger, or more forceful. But she was 33. She was an adult. And I could not force her. Anyway, I am grateful to find these words tonight. I will go to bed feeling less haunted and less alone knowing there are people who understand how I feel. Thank you.


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Hello Sophie,
My sister committed suicide almost two years ago. She left four boys ages 18, 15, 11 & 7. She suffered from depression due to the things her husband was doing for the twenty years of her marriage. The husband had a double life, gambling, stealing etc. I am angry and sad since my nephews are left without a mother so I try to keep in touch with them as much as I could but I know I could not ever replace their mother. My heart aches all the time but there has to be a reason this has happened. I believe this is a lesson that will remain in our hearts as a scar but we pray to God to give us comfort so we can go on with this journey. Life is hard when you think of this things happening. My sister and I were very close and she was my only sister. I had suffered many depressions throughout my life but I recovered. This things are all a part of life, we go through ups and downs as long as we are here. I try to think positive thoughts thinking my sister is in a better place and that is what makes me go on. I miss her a lot and so as my brothers especially my mom. Actually, my mom is very depressed right now due to my sister's death but we have to help her by just trying to support as much as we can. All of this is really tough but we have to accept because this is a part of life. Believe me, it is not easy to just forget but we have to go on and look after ourselves and the rest of our love ones. Just think of the happy memories, your sister would not want you to be so sad. Email me if you like, take care & God Bless...


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Hello,
My sister committed suicide today. She was 25, and suffered with depression, drug addiction and many other issues. She had two children, 7 and 9, that she left behind and that makes me angry at her. She wasn't there for them because she was on heroin and drunk all the time, so their father was raising them and they told my mom all they wanted for Christmas was their mommy.. She shot herself in the mouth twice. The girl had hepatitis, 5 felonies, couldnt have anymore children and I guess this was just too much for her to bare anymore. I feel very guilty, as i had stopped talking to her as I am a new mother and I have been very busy. My parents tried many bouts of counseling, rehabs, clinics, therapy...we participated in it...nothing seemed to work. As a teenager, she got pregnant at 15 and was on drugs and our father was physically and verbally abusive to us. We had not talked for months and I feel very guilty about what happened. She had almost killed herself a couple times before with alcohol and heroin. So, it's not like this was the first attempt. But, after awhile, you keep helping someone and it seems hopeless and I just hoped she would get better someday, for herself and her kids. And now she is gone and I have no sibling. I am 29 myself and I just needed to talk to someone who has been through this before. It is sad because I will never know what happened. Thanks for listening.


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RE: My sister committed suicide

omg sarah I'm so sorry you had to lose your sister in such a horrible way. I wish this forum had more interaction. It's been two weeks since you last wrote your post and I see no one has responded. I have to admit this is not a forum I ever check but now that i'm going through a rough patch it's the place you want to go. How are you doing? I hope you have been able to get in touch with a counselor to help you throught this difficult time. I don't know if you're still checking to see if anyone has responded to your post but I'll reply anyway.

I haven't had a relative commit suicide but a close friend's sister experienced it when her husband killed himself. The way he did it was so hurtful to her, he didn't chose a clean method that would at least spare the family. No, he blew his brains out at home while sitting at his desk. They were having money problems and this was where he would take care of the bills. I remember her sister telling us how her grief was mixed with anger because she had to clean his brains off the wall. He left her with all the problems to manage on her own. She will have emotional scars for the rest of her life because he thought only of himself. This is the turmoil that suicide brings to families, especially when they leave behind children who have to grow up wondering why Daddy or Mommy didn't love them enough to want to stay alive for their sake, to see them grow up? That's the ultimate rejection. No matter how bad things are you're supposed to protect the children, that is top priority. But some people put themselves first and when they can't cope they stop thinking about those who love them. No matter what the problems are they are only temporary and can be fixed. Yet when you're in the throws of it it's hard to see past that. Do you have other siblings? What about your parents? The entire family is affected so you have each other, better than dealing with it alone.


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RE: My sister committed suicide

Coping with a loss of a loved one who has committed suicide is very traumatic and no two people grieve the same way. Losing your loved one by suicide is very different, as someone already said, to losing someone in death. Some shed tears openly and others do not mourn immediately, they may feel frozen or numb. Coming to terms will undoubtedly take time and that is understandable. But try the following things to help you cope with your grief:

Keep a list of comforting Bible passages, and refer to them at least once each day.-"When my disquieting thoughts became many inside of me, your own consolations began to fondle my soul." (Psalm 94:19)

Reach out to a compassionate confidant. Talking things out may well lighten your load.-"A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress."(Proverbs 17:17)

Meditate on the Bible's promise of a resurrection.-"Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out."-(John 5:28, 29)

No one knows the reasons why a person commits suicide, they may be suffering from an illness as someone also said before but we are assured that "God is greater than our hearts and knows all things."(1 John 3:20) He knows better than any human the facts and circumstances that may have contributed to your sibling's distressed state. He also knows YOU-better than yourself. (Psalm 139:1-3) Thus you can be confident that he understands what you are going through. When your grief seems overwhelming, recall the words of Psalm 55:22, "Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you."

I hope these Scriptures have been of help to you.

Kind Regards,

Ada


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I have coped with loss through suicide on several occassions - one of them being my first love, a high school boyfriend that committed suicide right before I was getting married. There's no easy way to understand or to justify. I think with suicide they are in such a dark place and for them, that's the only way out. You never realize the devastation that you leave behind. It's up to those left behind to find a way to forgive. I'm so sorry for your loss!


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My sister aslo committed suicide a little over a year ago.
so much of the stories I have read I can relate to. Not wanting to talk to friends about how I felt or my boyfriend. With her death a part of my very soul died too. My grandmother who I was very close to died just the month befor and even being close to her, her death was justified. she was older, she prepaired me for the day at a young age, but my sister was only 24 with so much in front of her. I still feel guilty cause a year befor she did it I was talking with a friend and told her I had a horible feeling that my little sister was going to die. She asked me what I was feeling, she thought it was because my sister was in the army and over seas and I was worried but I told her no I feel she is going to die of a single gun shot. She remarked with how with one shot, but befor she could finish I answered her question with to the head. Time went on and my sister came home for a visit and then came back to the states for good. I pushed the feelings away. Then one day I had the strongest feeling to call ashley call ashley must call ashley all day. I was having a bad day at work that day and didnt want to call my little sister to vent. The next morning my boyfriend came into the room to wake me up, but he didnt get the chance to I could hear my mom crying through the phone. My sister killed her self one shot to the head. She left me a letter telling me about how she wanted to be in a relationship and she didnt have that how lucky i was to have found that. In the letter she told my mother to help us get married. I still wonder if i had called her that day if i would of told her what i had felt in my soul would it of changed anything. Well I'm now getting married in three weeks and I want to be happy some days I am others I wonder if my new found love felt like a knife to her. I know its not my fault I didnt pull the trigger. She knew she could call me but you always wonder if i just would of....


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I would like to share my story- I'm on the other side of this thread. I have been very depressed and kept thinking that when I found a boyfriend I would snap out of it. Well I didn't- I had lost my job and when I found a new job - a better job than the last - I would snap out of it. I didn't.

My point is theres something wrong with me and I need help but I don't want to get help. It sounds crazy and it IS crazy!!! I'm in a dark tunnel and I can't find the light- this is depression at its finest...I was very abused as a child by my evil stepfather ( now dead )and I know this plays into the mix. My feelings about child abuse is you can't undo what it does to your mental state. Its like mixing a cake batter - adding eggs,milk,flour,sugar ....mixing it all up and then trying to take the eggs out...its already mixed - U can't. I've had years of therapy...meds so on- selfhelp books...but to avail. Most people would never suspect my depression- I hide it well and I look great - I'm a Christie Brinkley look alike and people think I have the world....depression is an ugly place..very ugly. What I'm trying to say is- nothing can stop someone if they can't go on anymore-not words from loved ones...not meds...not books..not DRs. Its not anyones fault.

This is a very very hard letter to write but I felt the need to help the loved ones left behind.

Nancy


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Hi Nancy Jean,

thanks for finding the energy to reach out of the black hole to try alleviate the evasive answer to "why". It is a remarkable generosity to abandon the "black dogs" for a moment to try to help others. Remember, your only job is to wake up every morning.

thinking of you.


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My sister just committed suicide about a week ago ...
She is in the hospital the dr say she has at most 10 days left.


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My husband committed suicide last year. Most people do not know this, and I have only shared to the people I trust. He was seriously ill, with heart problems, a huge hernia, bowel problems; and then, on top of it all, lung cancer. He starved himself to death, taking only water for several months.

Could I have done more? There was no forcing the man to do anything. He had declared all doctors evil, and would not go to another. There was no fixing all of his medical conditions, and he knew it.

I am comfortable with all I did, and grieve the man I fell in love with and married (we were together for 25+ years) but not the bitter, misogynistic, racist, vulgar old man he became.

He even told me, the night before he died, "this will all be over tonight or tomorrow." A slow and agonizing death, but he chose it. And I have to honor that.

Not surprisingly, I find it difficult to "properly" grieve.
The financial mess he left was difficult to resolve, and I'm still not sure where some of the money went. Not sure I really want to know. It's gone anyway.

I only hope he's at peace..there are, I'm sure, some issues from his childhood that were never addressed and bothered him lifelong.

Sorry to hijack this thread..please continue as you were.


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How do i get over my sisters suicide? It has been one year and 4 months. Tthere is one support group in my area. That has about 30 people in it once a month, it is not helpful at all. My sister/best friend was everything to me. We talked about everything. She was sick for several months . She took care of my sister that had downs., for about 15 years. My sister with downs need 24 hour care. And my other sister could not handle her anymore. My sister was on lorazepam which causes suicide thoughts. and other meds and anti depression. My sister told e she was going to kill herself. She lived in texas i live in illinois. I didnt believe her. Why? I should of known she was crying for help and i did nothing.i am still strugling to this day. I cant afford to get a grief counselor. If it wasnt for hurting my grandkids and my neice (it was her mom) i think about doing it. But i wont because i cant break my neices heart again. Im just looking for someone that knows how i feel. Someone that has lost a sister/bestfriend. .


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Almost a month ago my 14 year old little sister committed suicide. It has been so rough especially since she was the most beautiful, smart, happy child. She gave no indication that she was suffering to her family or loved ones. It was only once we uncovered her phone that we saw texts to her friends that demonstrated how down she was feeling and that there was cutting involved. As her older sister this all comes as a massive blow to me. I can't help but feel that I should've known what was going on in her life. I'm a 20 year old junior in college and I live about 4 and a half hours away but I spent this entire summer with her and she seemed to be nothing but happy:( Its hard to deal with I struggle at school and with the decision of whether to stay at home or go back to school I'm miserable in both places. Not to mention I am worried about my parents and younger sister that is 9. I feel incredibly guilty about going back to school even though there is a part of me knows that its better for me to be busy and surrounded by friends:( I really hope this gets easier
Amanda


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RE: My sister committed suicide

I'm so sorry.

The sad truth is that we don't have Superman's xray vision & we don't have God's all-knowingness.

We never know what goes on in someone else's living room, let alone someone else's heart.

If your sisters had been in car accidents & had broken legs or if they had gotten pneumonia & had fluid in their lungs, some doctor somewhere would have told you & you'd have zoomed in to help, but none of us can see into the heart of another person.

Take care of yourselves, be patient with yourselves, & let people help you;
if you can bear to confide in someone, a friend, or a pastor if you can't afford to pay a counsellor or don't want to go to one, do that.

Even if you can't yet bear to talk to another person about the raw feelings & the pain, you can do things that make you get out of yourself & into contact with other people.

Taking responsibility for helping somebody else, knowing that someone is depending on you, is powerful medicine.


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RE: My sister committed suicide

I didn't lose someone within the family, but a friend of my little sister. It's weird because I think I only met the girl once, and I don't think I talked to her then, but ever since I learned that she killed herself (she did it over a year ago), I feel almost as if she had been MY friend. I've been so sad ever since I heard of it (which wasn't until half a year after, or so) and I don't know if it's normal or not. I mean, I didn't know her but I could've. I just wish I had known, that ANYONE had known, how she was feeling and that we would've been able to help her out of the hell that is depression before she killed herself. I can't stop thinking about her and her family and I keep checking their facebook-updates to see if they write anything about her. I know it just makes me even more sad but I can't stop and I can't stop thinking about her. It's always gnawing in the back of my mind and I've caught myself thinking that, if I didn't even know her and I still feel this immense sense of grief, then her family must be feeling something a 100 times worse. I'm guessing this hit pretty close to home, what with this girl being friends with my sister (and in my brother's class) and all, and that's why it makes me so sad, but... I just don't know. I just want for it to be some kind of way for us to get her back again so that we could help her and that she wouldn't feel that kind of pain again or that everything's just been a cruel, prolonged joke or some kind of nightmare. I just want it to be a nightmare because I can't stand the thought of her, A 12-YEAR OLD GIRL, lying in the cold hard ground while her family's doing the best they can to celebrate Christmas without it bringing up painful memories, to think that her brothers (one older and three younger) will never see her or have a sibling fight with her again, that her parents won't be able to hold her in their arms telling her that it's all gonna be okay or her friends, who'll think about if she gave off any "signs" the last day they met her. I can't stand the thought of her being gone and there being nothing to do about it. I can't deal with it and I don't know what to do. I've visited her grave and as soon as I read the name carved into the stone, I just immediately burst out crying. She was only 12 years old and she decided to kill herself. I just can't believe it. I have no words to express the disbelief with. I don't want to think about what she might've been thinking during the procedure (she hung herself); if she regretted it but she was too far gone to stop it, that she was in that forest with houses and cars and people roaming about without having a clue about what was going on just a few feet away from them. Oh how I wish one of those people had spotted her and cut her down from there and brought her to a hospital where she would have lots recovering to do but she would be ALIVE and there'd still be a chance for her to recover. This might not make much sense, I myself don't really understand why I'm having these intense feelings for someone I barely knew, but I need to try to put these feelings out somewhere. I need reassurance from someone who sorta knows what it's like, because I think I'll go insane otherwise. I just want that little girl to be alive and not feel that pain anymore but there's nothing I can do and I just hate the helplessness so much. I'm sorry, this just became a rant.


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RE: My sister committed suicide

I'm sorry.

Know that she doesn't feel the pain any more, it's all over & she's at peace.

& then let yourself be at peace.

Go outside & walk fast or chop wood or something;
get the oxygenated blood flowing to your brain to make your thought processes easier, & stay away from reminders, like the facebook pages.

Replace your worry with something else;
put a rubber band around your wrist, & when you find yourself worrying about her, snap the rubber band & make yourself focus on something entirely different.

I wish you the best.


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